Humor Quotes - Page 16

I'm Crusty," he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.

Headache!" Zeus bellowed. "Bad. bad headache!"As if to prove his point, the lord of the universe slammed his face into his pancakes, which demolished the pancakes and the plate and put a crack in the table, but did nothing for his headache."Aspirin?" Apollo suggested. (he was the god of healing)"Nice cup og tea?" Hestia suggested"I could split your skull open," offered Hephaestus, the blacksmith god"Hephaestus!" Hera cried. "Don't talk to your father that way!""What?" Hephaestus demanded "Clearly he's got a problem in there. I could open up the hood and take a look. Might relieve the pressure. Besides, he's immortal. It won't kill him

Rick Riordan

Don't destroy Half-Blood while we're gone," was Chiron's parting instruction. Argus pointed two fingers at his eyes and then at us. This took a few minutes since he has one hundred eyes, but we got the message - be good, or else.

Rick Riordan

We went about our usual routines - combat practice, volleyball practice, archery practice, strawberry-picking practice (don't ask), lava-wall-climbing practice ... You'll find we practice a lot here.

Rick Riordan

First thing I'd do is make sure the poor newbie demigods don't have to suffer through the orientation film."All conversation stopped. "What orientation film?" Will Solace asked.Nico looked puzzled. "You know ..." He glanced side to side, clearly uncomfortable with everybody watching him. Finally he cleared his throat and sang in a warbly voice to the tune of "The Hokey Cokey": "It lets the demigods in! It shuts the monsters out! It keeps the half-bloods safe, but turns mortals all about! It's Misty, and it's magic, and it makes me want to shout: the border is all about!" He punctuated the last line of the song with some half-hearted claps.We stared at him in stunned silence."Nico." Will patted his boyfriend's arm. "You're scaring the other campers.""More than usual," Julia Feingold muttered under her b

Rick Riordan

He turned to Harley, the oddly muscular eight-year-old son of Hephaestus. "Want to come with? I might need help with the projector.""A projectile! Yes!" Harley pumped his

Rick Riordan

Uh-oh," Will muttered. "This is going to be ... interes

Rick Riordan

Nosoi?” Percy planted his feet in a fighting stance. “You know, I keep thinking, I have now killed every single thing in Greek mythology. But the list never seems to end.”“You haven’t killed me yet,” I noted.“Don’t tempt me.

Rick Riordan

You’re gonna be like Aquaman?” she asked. “Get the fish to fight for you?”“Thanks,” Percy said. “I haven’t heard enough Aquaman jokes for one lifetime.

Rick Riordan

You do understand that I must find a way to return to Olympus,” I said. “This will probably involve many harrowing trials with a high chance of death. Can you turn down such glory?”“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I can. Sorry.”I pursed my lips. It always disappointed me when mortals put themselves first and failed to see the big picture—the importance of putting me first—but I had to remind myself that this young man had helped me out on many previous occasions

Rick Riordan

The only strange thing about Jackson was the tattoo on the inside of his forearm - a trident as dark as seared wood, with a single line underneath and the letters

Rick Riordan

I know what you're gonna think, what you're gonna ask. Percy Jackson, why are you hanging from a Times Square billboard without your pants on, about to fall to your death?

Rick Riordan

Percy!’ Annabeth scolded. ‘You just opened another Monster Doughnut shop somewhere!

Rick Riordan

Street performances?""A little singing. A little martial arts. Some interpretive dance.""Wow.""I know! The Portuguese have taste.

Nico and Gleeson Hedge

We heard the army before we saw it.The noise was like a cannon barrage combined with a football stadium crowd- like every Patriots fan in New England was charging us with bazookas.

Rick Riordan

Seriously, who curses you with their dying breath and says, I hope your eye twitches!

Rick Riordan

Tyson was still staring at Chiron in amazement. He whimpered like he wanted to pat Chiron's flank but was afraid to come closer. "Pony?

Rick Riordan

Question (from a reader) : Will the Wise Goddess Athena overthrow Zeus and become the ruler of Olympus?Athena's answer : What an interesting idea . . . No, just kidding, Dad. Put away the lightning bolt.

Rick Riordan

Hermes smiled. "I knew a boy once ... oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, re

Rick Riordan

Perhaps they are singing songs to you,' he said, 'and I just think they’re asking me questions.' He paused again. Sometimes he would pause for days, just to see what it was like.

Douglas Adams

All right gentlemen, we have a job to do. At approximately 01:30 tonight, three children made an escape. Our job is to find them and bring them back. Every minute the factory is down, I lose two thousand, seven hundred and thirty-eight dollars and forty-seven cents. Therefore, we must find them and find them fast. They were last seen heading south by southwest in three makeshift kites. We'll head in that direction, fanning out and using our heat sensors to track them. Any questions?" Tubaface raised his hand. "Yes?""Where do babies come from?""That question is wholly innapropriate to our present situation. Someone slap him.

Seán Cullen

People who say, 'Let the chips fall where they may,' usually figure they will not be hit by a chip.

Bernard Williams

I don't like that guy. He calls the cops for everything.

Jōji Tsubota

And I may not omit here a special work of God's providence. There was a proud and very profane young man [aboard the Mayflower], one of the seamen, of a lusty, able body, which made him the more haughty; he would always be contemning the poor people in their [sea]sickness, and cursing them daily with grievous execrations, and did not let to tell them, that he hoped to help cast half of them overboard before they came to their journey's end, and to make merry with what they had; and if he were by any gently reproved, he would curse and swear most bitterly.But it pleased God before they came half seas over, to smite this young man with a grievous disease, of which he died in a desperate manner, and so was himself the first that was thrown overboard. Thus his curses light on his own head; and it was an astonishment to all his fellows, for they noted it to be the just hand of God upon him.

William Bradford

Hypocrisy/hi pakrise/ noun1. The moment you tell someone it is not important to be right, in order to look right to everyone else.

Shannon L. Alder

Disappointments are often my greatest motivation.

Katie Kiesler

So this was where lust was satisfied. If I'd been an old-time miner I'd have asked for my gold nugget back.

Ava Gardner

Waking up, for many people, is apparently a positive experience. There are twittering birds and the smell of fresh coffee fills the air.These people do not live at my house.

Amy Petrie Shaw

My feelings for you run very deep." - LoorNot deep enought, I guess." - Bobby (The Rivers of Zadaa)

D.J. MacHale

What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing

Willem Lange

Enjoy life, even in the most chaotic, hectic moments. Take time to breathe. Take time to consider what is important versus what is rubbish. Those are the times where slowing down is healthiest. Those are the times where it really counts. And, if you come across an impossible situation, crying will not help. Open your mouth, but instead of sobs and wails, give out a little chuckle. It’ll make all the difference in your attitude and therefore, in your situation.

Leigh Hershkovich

Why do I seem to have this effect on women? They're around me and they cry.

Tracy Guzeman

He placed his hand on Willem's arm. 'Willem, don't cry.''I'm not going to,' he said. 'I can do other things in life besides cry, you know,' although he was no longer sure that was even true.

Hanya Yanagihara

He snuffles. Oh, no.He's not going to cry, is he? Because even though it's sweet when guys cry, I am so not prepared for this.Girl scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys.

Stephanie Perkins

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily stayed out of their way.

Stephenie Meyer

Discouraged?As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-baseline, I asked one of the boys what the score was."We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile.“Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.”“Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.

Jack Canfield

New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin, has a population of one hundred thousand. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets--who next year need to just shut the hell up and play.Now, me personally, I haven't watched a Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out during halftime. and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned by eyes and offended me as a Christian. But I get it--who doesn't love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving one another brain damage on a giant flatscreen TV with a picture so real it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room, grabbing your s

Bill Maher

I don't let birdies and pars get in the way of having a good time

Angelo Spagnolo

At least watching dirty movies can be kind of fascinating if they aren't too horribly strange. And even the horribly strange ones are still more interesting than televised sports.

Merrill Markoe

I don't get it. Basketball is so supremely boring. I can't understand the point of watching ten giants running from one end of the field--court--to the other throwing an orange ball through a hoop in the air. I guess it's better than golf, but so is watching paint dry.

Carter Quinn

The guys who play it [soccer] are kinda dumb. Why don't they just kick the crap out of the guy in front of the net? Then they could score all they want.

Tite Kubo

Wisdom of the Ages "Assault and Battery" Weather forecast for the St. Louis Rams next Sunday in Seattle.

Matthew D. Heines

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.

H.G.Wells

'Why are you yelling at the television when you know they cannot hear you?' 'You wouldn't understand,' said Asher, his gaze locked on the screen. 'It's a human thing.'

Rowan McBride

He who thinks he's the best is not the best... And the one who thinks "he who thinks he's the best is not the best" is also not the best.

Suky Achchille

He cried like a jockey who'd just lost the Kentucky Derby by a few nostril hairs.

Walter Witty

Sure, there is an undeniable pleasure in rooting for a winning team and in being able to look down on opposing fans with equal measures of superiority and disdain. But that's also the Ruthian drawback in rooting for the Yankees (along with high ticket prices, overpriced concessions and crude neighbors). The true pleasure in sports comes not from simply winning but from watching a team overcome adversity to win in the end. The joy of sports is never the final destination, it's the journey. It's experiencing the highs and lows, and appreciating those highs all the more because of the awful lows.

Jim Caple

A baseball club for girls?

Emily J. Proctor

There's something about sports. You can be setting fire to cats and burying them in your backyard, but as long as you're playing team sports, people think you're okay.

Polly Horvath

Like all the other arrivals to the tournament, Hank had erected a banner in front. It was a long, tapering pennant with a blue and red circular design in the center and the words GO CUBS! on both sides. Interesting," said Hugo. "What does it mean?"It was a gift from Sam," Hank explained as they entered the tent. "He said it used to represent Triumph over Adversity, but now better represents Impossible Quests and Lost Causes."I think I preferred not knowing that," said Hugo.Hank grinned. "You're a Sox fan too, hey?

James A. Owen

If you have not seen it, FOOTBALL is a game in which men shove one another back and forth for no reason. They do not choose how, when, or whom they shove. All that has been decided for them in advance. All they need to do is follow the orders given to them before the game, showing them where to run and how to violently deploy the meat of their bodies against the meat that is running at them. They are doing this in order to please one angry old man on the sidelines. This old man is called the "coach" or "yelling surrogate dad who will never be happy.

John Hodgman

I've never questioned the integrity of an umpire. Their eyesight, yes.

Leo Durocher

I've fallen in love with baseball.

Nick Jonas

wouldn't you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?'As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs to little ones, and mandatory LASIK surgery for NFL refs.

Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Outcasts may grow up to be novelists and filmmakers and computer tycoons, but they will never be the athletic ruling class.

Chuck Klosterman

I read that Monica Seles got stabbed. And although I have nothing against Monica Seles, I'm glad somebody in sports got stabbed. I like the idea of it; it's good entertainment. If we're lucky, it'll spread through sports. And show business, too! Wouldn't you like to see a guy jump up on stage and stab some famous singer? Especially a real shitty pop singer? Maybe they'll even start stabbing comedians. Fuck it, I'm ready! I never perform without my can of mace. I have a switchblade knife, too. I'll cut your eye out and go right on telling jokes.

George Carlin

Sports fans eat shit.

George Carlin

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.

Dave Barry

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.

Hank Aaron

I have been studying the principles of socialism deeply of late, and I came to the conclusion that I must join the cause. It looked good to me. You work for the equal distribution of property and start in by swiping all you can and sitting on it. Ah, noble scheme! Me for it!

P.G. Wodehouse

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Humor Quotes - Page 16

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