Humor Quotes - Page 135

She shocks the hell out of me when she asks, "Did you get engaged, Jade? She looks at me seriously. It's really hard for me not to just laugh hysterically in her face, but I refrain from doing so because I'm a good friend, and I realize that she's in distress. But her next question very nearly blows me away.

Jillian Dodd

I’m gonna take a nap, Heaven,” he said, wanting away from her to clear his head. He didn’t like feeling uncomfortable in his house.“Haven,” she corrected him as he started to walk away.“I know,” he said. “I kinda like Heaven though.”She turned to him, and their eyes met for the first time since he’d walked into the room. “Me, too.

J.M. Darhower

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

Mindy Kaling

Wayne: You wanna know why I really came to find you?Waxilliam: Why?Wayne: I thought of you happy in a comfy bed, resting and relaxing, spending the rest of your life sipping tea and reading papers while people bring you food and maids rub your toes and stuff.Waxilliam: And?Wayne: And I just couldn't leave you to a fate like that...I'm too good a friend to let a mate of mine die in such a terrible situation.Waxilliam: Comfortable?Wayne: No. Boring.

Brandon Sanderson

I'm not that bad,” he said. “I'm rich, popular. I have a sense of humor. I'm good looking, and not to mention I have a really big—

J.M. Darhower

I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

Chelsea Handler

The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, 'What? You too? I thought I was the only one!

C.S. Lewis

It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.

Shelly Crane

Comamandering is not a word.It has letters, doesn't it? Sounds like a word to me.

Tahereh Mafi

Great pals we've always been. In fact there was a time when I had an idea I was in love with Cynthia. However, it blew over. A dashed pretty and lively and attractive girl, mind you, but full of ideals and all that. I may be wronging her, but I have an idea that she's the sort of girl who would want a fellow to carve out a career and what not. I know I've heard her speak favourably of Napoleon. So what with one thing and another the jolly old frenzy sort of petered out, and now we're just pals. I think she's a topper, and she thinks me next door to a looney, so everything's nice and matey.

P.G. Wodehouse

With the world's fate resting on your shoulder - you're gonna need someone on your side.You can't do it by yourself any longer - you're gonna need someone on your side.

Morrissey

How about "diamonds are a girl's best friends"? Nope. It should be switched around and pointed out, instead, that your best friends are diamonds.

Gina Barreca

I am officially turning him over to you. He's your problem now. You'll have to watch out for him and that won't be easy. He's naive, gullible, immature, horribly unsophisticated, ignorant about anything worth knowing, and idealistic to a fault." He paused to make a show of thinking harder. "He's also indecisive, pathetically honest, a horrible liar, and too virtuous for words. He gets up twice each night to relieve himself, wads his clothes rather than folds them, chews with his mouth open, and talks with his mouth full. He has a nasty habit of cracking his knuckles every morning at breakfast, and, of course, he snores. To remedy that, just put a rock under his blanket.

Michael J. Sullivan

Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her.Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr," I said.Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow--I don't know if it was something in his body language or what--I became aware that he was telling me to sit down and shut up or he'd come over and make me.I sat down. Something in me really didn't like that idea, but when I looked around, I saw that everyone else had done it too, and that made me feel better.Mouse said, again in what sounded like perfectly clear English, "Funny. Now restore them."Lea turned to look at the big dog and said, "Do you dare to give me commands, hound?"Not your hound," Mouse said. I didn't know how he was doing it. His mouth wasn't moving or anything. "Restore them before I rip your ass off. Literally rip it off."The Leanansidhe tilted her head back and let out a low laugh. "You are far from your sources of power here, my dear demon."I live with a wizard. I cheat." He took a step toward her and his lips peeled up from his fangs in unmistakable hostility. "You want to restore them? Or do I kill you and get them back that way?"Lea narrowed her eyes. Then she said, "You're bluffing."One of the big dog's huge, clawed paws dug at the ground, as if bracing him for a leap, and his growl seemed to . . . I looked down and checked. It didn't seem to shake the ground. The ground was actually shaking for several feet in every direction of the dog. Motes of blue light began to fall from his jaws, thickly enough that it looked quite a bit like he was foaming at the mouth. "Try me."The Leanansidhe shook her head slowly. Then she said, "How did Dresden ever win you?"He didn't," Mouse said. "I won him.

Jim Butcher

You and me-we've whored together. We've fought together.And I still dunna understand how ye always seems to know where the money is hidden and the liquor is stored and the scandals are richest.'It's a gift.

Christina Dodd

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Mark Twain

I opened my eyes to find a fuzzy face staring into mine. I laughed and scratched Boomer’s head. “Your dog is a pervert, he watched the whole thing.

E.M. Denning

If you blame gravity for falling in love, even God has the right to laugh at you.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Diamonds are a girl's best friend until love introduces her to her soulmate.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Men like to borrow kisses because they know they will have to pay them back.

Matshona Dhliwayo

A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are the best thieves you will ever meet; they steal your heart and your last name, but never get to spend the night in jail.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Be calm on your wedding day; she won’t kill you in front of a hundred people, no matter what you've done.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Love is a hook; the moment a man swallows it, a woman knows she has him forever.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.

Matshona Dhliwayo

If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.

Matshona Dhliwayo

There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Love came, it saw, and it conquered me.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Your wife is smarter than you; know this, and you will live happily ever after.

Matshona Dhliwayo

2. A heart broken by a girl can be repaired by another girl only.

Toffee

I need someone who knows to enjoy life. Someone who'll get high with me at the Pere - Lechaise cemetery. Someone who'll lose their breath running trough the Louvre. Someone who'll go to coffee with a good book ( Fyodor Dostoyevsky, L. Tolstoy, Voltaire, A. Camus, Oscar Wilde, Gustave Flaubert ). During the weekends to the cafe de Flore, and after that lunch at Ritz. Someone who'll get lost in Paris in the middle of the night. Someone who'll lay beside Seine, drink wine and listen to Florence and Machine, Banks, Borns, Hurts, Bjork, Tom Odelle... Someone who can sit in front of S.Dali's paintings for hours and not talk. Someone who wants to live. Someone who wants to travel and see the world. Someone who'll look at the stars for hours, talk about life, someone who is not afraid of death.

Perhaps the most hillarious yet true advice I ever gave on marriage is this one. Don't marry because of Love, marry because of food Love fades, beauty wanes but hungry doesn't

Seun Ajibade

Ryker smiled at me. “You learn quick—”I cut him off. “If you call me grasshopper, I’m going to slug you.” “Padawan.” I shoved him. It was more like shoving a tree. He didn’t even flinch. “You’re such a nerd.”“Geek, Millie. I’m a geek.” His lips twitched and it made me want to raise myself up on my tiptoes and kiss him. I shot him a grin instead. “Only a nerd would know the difference.

E.M. Denning

An inch to a man’s heart is a mile to his wallet.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Get high on love, not drugs.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Laughing at your pettiness probably works better than scolding yourself for it.

Sharon Salzberg

Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once?" Casey contemplated Alexa's warning, recognizing it for what it was.

Donna McDonald

When did you first fall in love?""I think, I first fell in lovewhen I was in fifth gradewith this boy who kept his glass ruler in the sunlight and made rainbows on my desk with it.

Saiber

The middle class were invented to give the poor hope; the poor, to make the rich feel special; the rich, to humble the middle class.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Like alcohol and poverty, a heartbreak has the power to make a man do something he wouldn’t normally do and to make a woman do someone she wouldn’t normally do.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To evade arrogance, remind yourself (from time to time) that your talent or success could have been better. To be thankful, remind yourself (every now and then) that your illness or failure could have been worse.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.

Justin Alcala

Champions never sleep, the eternal spirit keep them alert and awake.

Amit Ray

It is not over. Champions extend their limits and make things happen.

Amit Ray

Just because you have baggage doesn't mean you have to lug it around.

Richie Norton

We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Consistency in your interest is the actual reason behind every success, and inconsistency is the major cause of failure

Syed Shan Asif

The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not

Charles Barkley

You see, at young age I had known how bitter taste like and it all started with a cup of brewed coffee.

Ymatruz

Rats! It's rainy outside,And to be a good fellaInvite a smile so wideNobody needs umbrella!

Ana Claudia Antunes

Have Fun Storming the Castle!

Michael O'Brien

If your arteries are good, eat more ice cream. If they are bad, drink more red wine. Proceed thusly.

Sandra Byrd

I know this goes without saying, but Stonehenge really was the most incredible accomplishment. It took five hundred men just to pull each sarsen, plus a hundred more to dash around positioning the rollers. Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine trying to talk six hundred people into helping you drag a fifty-ton stone eighteen miles across the countryside and muscle it into an upright position, and then saying, 'Right, lads! Another twenty like that, plus some lintels and maybe a couple of dozen nice bluestones from Wales, and we can party!' Whoever was the person behind Stonehenge was one dickens of a motivator, I'll tell you that.

Bill Bryson

Some people are still alive only because they find being dead more boring than being alive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Christians sometimes make themselves into elephants afraid of mice. You have the Creator of the universe on your side; not to mention, you've been given eternal life. 'Whom or what shall you fear?' To be afraid of anything other than God himself is like an insult to God.

Criss Jami

Wealth seldom fails to breed the fear of poverty.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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Humor Quotes - Page 135

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