Humor Quotes - Page 124

She trailed after him, admiring the line of his back. He began climbing the stairs, and she sighed with pleasure. Every bit of him was gorgeous. “Do you mind if I objectify you?”“Please do,” he said over his shoulder. “Particularly my knees, as they are oft-neglected.”“Maybe if you ever got your pants off, they wouldn’t be.”“It hardly matters, sweet; once they’ve come off, the attention isn’t likely to center on my absurdly handsome knees.
Meljean Brook
Finally someone takes me seriously enough to ask for my word of honor, and it’s a villain.
Sherwood Smith
Her sculptured face was as perfect as a painting.
Christopher Paolini
Wow Kelsey!" Kishan whistled. "I'm going to have to beat the other guys of with a stick!
Colleen Houck
She is a peacock in everything but beauty!
Oscar Wilde
There is this common notion that young conservatives are the few, that most people had liberal worldviews when they were young. If this is true, then it is with great irony that a number of old liberals must never had progressed into conservatives as they grew older.
Criss Jami
Hap sighed. If he could change one thing about Umber-besides his constant need for the thrill of exploration-it would be his obsession with secrets and surprises.
P.W. Catanese
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
Robert C. Gallagher
The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.
Christopher Moore
Most sexually adventurous women want a man who regards cunnilingus as a basic woman right.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing.
Kate Atkinson
If you want to impress a lady, respect her, because respect is an impressive act itself
Nitin Yaduvanshi
Who? Mr. Dalton has his hand firmly on Grace's elbow, as though she can't manoeuvre herself through the blockade of tables and chairs.She could fly right through you, thinks Jack.
Helen Humphreys
I was amazed at how strong women were when they were angry.
Robin Hobb
I would describe her more as a knitter than a doer.
William Goldman
Becoming a woman felt a bit like becoming famous. For, from being benevolently generally ignored – the base-line existence of most children – a teenage girl is suddenly fascinating to others, and gets bombarded with questions: What size are you? Have you done it yet? Will you have sex with me? Have you got ID? Do you want to try a puff of this? Are you seeing anyone? Have you got protection? What’s your signature style? Can you walk in heels? Who are your heroes? Are you getting a Brazilian? What porn do you like? Do you want to get married? When are you going to have kids? Are you a feminist? Were you just flirting with that man? What do you want to do? WHO ARE YOU?All ridiculous questions to ask of a 13-year-old simply because she now needs a bra. They might as well have been asking my dog. I had absolutely no idea.
Caitlin Moran
Everyone is allowed a weakness, even women of the twentieth century.
Laurie R. King
Females are very simple, with them, yes means yes, & no means yes, & no means no, & no means maybe, but maybe means yes, & maybe means no!
Eyden I.
Dr. Edward Clarke, a Harvard professor, said it was possible for a girl to study hard and do well in everything, but it would damage her health for the rest of her life, and her children would be shriveled.
Jacky Fleming
At best, us ladies are just a bunch of Mirandas with a slightly better wardrobe and at worst, we're a bunch of Magdas, aka Miranda's housekeeper, which means we're a bunch of nosy bitches who rifle through people's belongings and let them know they masterbate too much.
Phoebe Robinson
Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass.
M.F. Moonzajer
Walking through life, we spend most of our energy choosing the right shoes.
Ljupka Cvetanova
Women are always expected to be the gracious hostess, quick with an anecdote and a sprinkling of laughter at others' stories. We are always the ones who have to smooth over all the awkward moments in life with soul-crushing pleasantries. We are basically unpaid geishas. But when we do not fulfill this expectation ( because we are introverted ) people asume we must be either depressed or a cunt".
Amy Schumer
Men weigh love with hands.
Ljupka Cvetanova
He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.
Ljupka Cvetanova
The women in the kitchen took turns making a fuss over the baby, acting like it was their job to keep her entertained until the Magi arrived. But the baby wasn't entertained. Her blue eyes were glazed over. She was staring into the middle distance, tired of everything. All this rush to make sandwiches and take in presents for a girl who was not year a year old.
Ann Patchett
Morganith snorted and didn’t lower her weapon. “One girl can cause alotta trouble, Hari. You and I are proofa that.
Ash Gray
I decided that being called “crazy” by a man was not an insult but a challenge. It gives the woman an opportunity to say, “Crazy? Oh, I’ll show you fucking crazy.
Alana Massey
A bumper sticker from the 1970s read, “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Steven Pinker
There's something infinitely fascinating or fatal about a woman behind the wheel.
Ahmed Mostafa
She did, she really told her. She was pretty scary, actually," "The best women always are, love; you don't get to my age without realizing that.
Gil McNeil
A soldier: "I know where heaven is and it's Lithuania ... The women are beautiful, pagan, with a practical view towards sex. Who says communism was bad? You're working three levels of advantages: you're a foreign male, you're a rich, exotic American, and their men are a bunch of drunken, criminal slobs.
Robert D. Kaplan
America is now wholly given over to a damned mob of scribbling women, and I should have no chance of success while the public taste is occupied with their trash--and should be ashamed of myself if I did succeed. What is the mystery of these innumberable editions of The Lamplighter (by Maria Susanna Cummins), and other books neither better nor worse? Worse they could not be, and better they need not be, when they sell by the hundred thousand.
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Teachers were not allowed to beat children as they did in the past, although, Mma Ramotswe reflected, there were some boys-and indeed some young men-who might have been greatly improved by moderate physical correction. The apprentices, for example: would it help if Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni resorted to physical chastisement-nothing severe, of course-but just an occasional kick in the seat of the pants while they were bending over to change a tyre or something like that? The thought made her smile. She would even offer to administer the kick herself, which she imagined might be oddly satisfying, as one of the apprentices, the one who still kept on about girls, had a largeish bottom which she thought would be quite comfortable to kick. How enjoyable it would be to creep up behind him and kick him when he was least expecting it, and then to say: Let that be a lesson! That was all one would have to say, but it would be a blow for women everywhere.
Alexander McCall Smith
Ida was a natural historian who knew how to throw in enough fiction to keep up dramtic tension. And she was replete with details, like a big fat colorful nineteenth-century historical novel, inching forward slowly....Ida's narrative line, like her waistline, was ample.
Marissa Piesman
LADY BRACKNELLThirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.
Oscar Wilde
She looked like a character from a video game. One of those improbably busty, impossibly well-armed superchicks who could do acrobatics and hit the kill zone even while firing guns from both hands during a cartwheel. "You look fucking ridiculous," she told herself.
Jonathan Maberry
Billy Pilgrim had a theory about diaries.Women were more likely than men to think that their lives had sufficient meaning to require recording on a daily basis. It was not for the most part a God-is-leading-me-on-a-wondrous-journey kind of meaning, but more an I've-gotta-be-me-but-nobody-cares sentimentalism that passed for meaning, and they usually stopped keeping a diary by the time they hit thirty, because by then they didn't want to ponder the meaning of life anymore because it scared the crap out of them.
Dean Koontz
It's a fine, warm day,” Henry replied. “I thought a spot of fishing?”“Just the thing!” said Felix. “Will you join us, Lucy?” Lucy felt Kitty and Sophia staring at her. Well-bred ladies, evidently, did not fish. “Oh, no! I assure you, Mr. Crowley-Cumberbatch, I have given up those hoyden pursuits of my youth.” She turned to Toby. “I haven't been fishing in ages. I can't remember the last time.”“Really, Luce?” Toby sounded incredulous. “Henry—is it true?”Henry sawed away at a slice of ham. “If you count six days as ages, then I suppose it's true. But if you can't remember six days back, Lucy, and you've forgotten Felix's Christian name, I'm concerned for you. Perhaps you've been spending too much time with Aunt Matilda.
Tessa Dare
You’re a fool,” Quinhelm accused. “Any man who would allow himself to be bewitched by a woman needs a good dunking in a cold barrel of water.” (Quinhelm, the wizard, from BRIGGEN)
Ann B. Keller
Girls can do anything boys can do in high heels!
Brooke Sachau
He turned to Miss Minerva. "I'm relying on you, at any rate. You've got a good mind. Anybody can see that.""Thank you," she said."As good as a man's," he added."Oh, now you've spoiled it!
Earl Derr Biggers
I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.
Jerry Seinfeld
Nurse Duckett found Yossarian wonderful and was already trying to change him.
Joseph Heller
His heart cracked, and he fell in love. He wondered if she would marry him. “Tu sei pazzo,” she told him with a pleasant laugh. “Why am I crazy?” he asked. “Perché non posso sposare.” “Why can’t you get married?” “Because I am not a virgin,” she answered. “What has that got to do with it?” “Who will marry me? No one wants a girl who is not a virgin.” “I will. I’ll marry you.” “Ma non posso sposarti.” “Why can’t you marry me?” “Perché sei pazzo.” “Why am I crazy?” “Perché vuoi sposarmi.” Yossarian wrinkled his forehead with quizzical amusement. “You won’t marry me because I’m crazy, and you say I’m crazy because I want to marry you? Is that right?” “Si.” “Tu sei pazz’!” he told her loudly. “Perché?” she shouted back at him indignantly, her unavoidable round breasts rising and falling in a saucy huff beneath the pink chemise as she sat up in bed indignantly. “Why am I crazy?” “Because you won’t marry me.” “Stupido!” she shouted back at him, and smacked him loudly and flamboyantly on the chest with the back of her hand. “Non posso sposarti! Non capisci? Non posso sposarti.” “Oh, sure, I understand. And why can’t you marry me?” “Perché sei pazzo!” “And why am I crazy?” “Perché vuoi sposarmi.” “Because I want to marry you. Carina, ti amo,” he explained, and he drew her gently back down to the pillow. “Ti amo molto.” “Tu sei pazzo,” she murmured in reply, flattered. “Perché?” “Because you say you love me. How can you love a girl who is not a virgin?” “Because I can’t marry you.” She bolted right up again in a threatening rage. “Why can’t you marry me?” she demanded, ready to clout him again if he gave an uncomplimentary reply. “Just because I am not a virgin?” “No, no, darling. Because you’re crazy.
Joseph Heller
Bless the bright eyes of your sex! They never see, whether for good or bad, more than one side of any question; and that is always, the one which first presents itself to them.
Charles Dickens
It often struck Nina that women who seemed capable of only limited mental tasks in most situations could retain information regarding other peoples weight for years, sometimes decades. Unlike genuine idiots savants, they couldn't tell you that December 13, 1972 had fallen on a Wednesday. But they could often tell you, within a pound or two, how much you'd weighed that week.
Marissa Piesman
Colin: "1 dinna understand why we canna just go to bed and have sex." He looked truly puzzled.
Nina Bangs
As Atwood concludes after a random and informal sampling, men and women differ markedly in the 'scope of their threatenability': 'Why do men feel threatened by woman?' I asked a male friend of mine....'[M]en are bigger, most of the time...and they have on the average a lot more money and power.' 'They're afraid women will laugh at them,' he said. 'Undercut their world view.' Then I asked some women students in a quickie poetry seminar I was giving, 'Why do women feel threatened by men?' 'They're afraid of being killed,' they said'.
Shuli Barzilai
Leave it to women to be cryptic rather than straightforward
Kaye Dacus
I have no will of my own. Never did. Limp and lily-livered, I always obey - is it possible that's attractive to women?
Anton Chekhov
Ellen's life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman's lot. It was a man's world, and she accepted it as such. The man owned the property, and the woman managed it. The man took credit for the management, and the woman praised his cleverness. The man roared like a bull when a splinter was in his finger, and the woman muffled the moans of childbirth, lest she disturb him. Men were rough of speech and often drunk. Women ignored the lapses of speech and put the drunkards to bed without bitter words. Men were rude and outspoken, women were always kind, gracious and forgiving.
Margaret Mitchell
The last words he said to me when I bade him good-night were:Tell Amy it's no good coming after me. Anyhow, I shall change my hotel, so she wouldn't be able to find me.'My own impression is that she's well rid of you,' I said.My dear fellow, I only hope you'll be able to make her see it. But women are very unintelligent.
W Somerset Maugham
Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.
Oscar Wilde
People who start a sentence with personally (and they're always women) ought to be thrown to the lions. It's a repulsive habit.
Georgette Heyer
It simply isn’t a woman’s nature to be silent for prolonged periods of time.
Maya Banks
I discovered that seventeen-year-old girls have such huge verbal energy that their brain drives them to expend it every twenty seconds. On the third day I decided I had to find her a boyfriend -- if possible, a deaf one.
Carlos Ruiz Zafón
He found Luciana sitting alone at a table in the Allied officers' night club, where the drunken Anzac major who had brought her there had been stupid enough to desert her for the ribald company of some singing comrades at the bar."All right, I'll dance with you," she said, before Yossarian could even speak. "But I won't let you sleep with me.""Who asked you?" Yossarian asked her."You don't want to sleep with me?" she exclaimed with surprise."I don't want to dance with you.
Joseph Heller
When I was extremely young and shockingly stupid, I thought you weren't supposed to ever get angry at anybody you cared about (lest you suspect I'm exaggerating the "shockingly stupid" part, I also thought Mount Rushmore was a natural phenomenon). I honestly believed that people who were truly in love would never dream of having a good, old-fashioned, knock-down, drag-out fight. I guess when you're the type of girl who walks around thinking that the wind just sort of sculpted Teddy Roosevelt into the side of a mountain, the concept of a fairy-tale relationship makes total sense.
Lisa Kogan
Now that I think about it, maybe he is a werewolf. I can picture him lunging over the moors in hot pursuit of his prey, and I'm certain that he wouldn't think twice about eating an innocent bystander. I'll watch him closely at the next full moon. He's asked me to go dancing tomorrow--perhaps I should wear a high collar. Oh, that's vampires, isn't it? I think I am a little giddy. (After meeting Mr. Markham V. Reynolds, Jr.)
Mary Ann Shaffer

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