Humor Quotes - Page 12

Life is better when you're drunk. I ought to become an alcoholic.

She was thinking of doing a little Cuervo therapy.

Free drinks have no carbs.

I'm going out for a bottle of champagne. We're going to get bombed.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

And in my mind, this settles the issue. I would never drink cologne, and am therefore not an alcoholic.

Augusten Burroughs

I will never, ever drink whiskey again. From now on, it's strictly sherry.

Glasses are for people that sips instead of drinks.

Kai Starr

the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Are you that afraid of being wrong? One would assume you’d be accustomed to it by now.”He grunted. “Be careful, girl. You wouldn’t want to accidentally insult a man.”“The last thing I’d want to do is accidentally insult you, Vathah,” Shallan said. “To think that Icouldn’t manage it on purpose if I wanted!

Brandon Sanderson

If we choose to behave differently, we are considered 'Mad' or 'immature

It's funny when people say something is "unreal" about something that is, in reality, real. I'm so guilty of it, it's real!

It took Caine a few beats to get it. “No. Go kill yourself. Eat your own gun. No. No no no.”“You’re happy here counting fish and nagging kids to work?” Edilio asked.“He’s not,” Virtue said, beating Toto to the punch and earning an annoyed glance from Caine.“He’s only done it for two days since the battle, and he’s already bored.

The more you say goodbye, the stupider you’ll feel when we’re blitzed as bats at the victory party.

Those were great big angry men with sharp swords actually wanting to cut pieces off me. It’s not until you’ve seen a red gaping wound and all the complex little bits inside a man all broken up and sliced open, and known that they weren’t ever getting back together again, and vomited your last two meals over the rocks . . . it’s not until then that you understand the business of swords properly and, if you’re a sensible man you vow to have nothing to do with it ever again.

Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive."SMASH!"Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin.

I thought you were dead." Magnus smiled crookedly. "What, from that scratch?" He glanced down at the reddening jacket in Alec's hand. "Okay, a deep scratch. Like, from a really, really big cat.

Cassandra Clare

My many years of living have not made the actions of teenage boys any less enigmatic.

James had been acting a little weird. After waking up yesterday, he'd been a little bit distant. It might just be the stress of the trip. It was probably hard on James to be in charge of the little group. He was responsible for the welfare of his lover, a nun, and a talking horse. That couldn't be easy.

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.""Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

I smiled, reached into my pockets and pulled out a pair of ultrapowerful earplugs, the kind that are standard issue for skyway construction workers, artillery soldiers, and roadies for the thirty-five most popular teen boy bands.

I focused the power from my armor into my leg and kicked the door in. The metal and plastic fibers splintered and the hinges ripped free from the wall.“By the way, boss,” HARV said. “I believe that the door was unlocked.

You bastard, stop that whistling and fight me like a man!

Great Gates almighty,” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

As a matter of fact, Ona spent more credits on the window shades alone than you will make in your entire lifetime and that’s if you live to be 185.”“And that’s meant to make me feel better?” I said.“No, that is meant to inform you. I am your computer not your nanny.

Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people.”“Yes, but the press don't count as normal.”“She’s got you there,” HARV added.

I can tell you that she's not breathing,” he said. “She has no heartbeat and all organ function and brain activity have stopped. Also her body temperature is now at seventy-three degrees.”“So you’re saying that she’s dead,” I said.“Well, I can't prove it, but, yes, I am leaning that way.

W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course, not moving at all, at least not to the naked eye, because his strides could only be measured in micrometers. His creaky legs made barely the tiniest of forward steps, so he’d taken four strides before I noticed any lateral movement at all.“I'll be right back.”“Geologically speaking, of course,” HARV said.

Forget it,” I said. “Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

I told you it was easy,” HARV said.“True, but you say that about everything.”“That's because everything is easy for me.”“Everything but humility.”“No, that's easy, too. I just choose not to practice it.

Don't worry, boss,” HARV said. “I get the feeling that this is only the tip of the iceberg of complications.”“HARV, you’re a machine. You don’t get feelings.”“Would it make you feel better if I said I've done a numerical analysis on the probabilities and the results are skewed toward you having more problems with this case?

How bad is it?”“The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way,” HARV said. “The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan.

Prices of semicolons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty points off the TomJones Index.

Stupid Ape: I had to quantify this with the word “stupid” so as not to offend the ape community. Large of limb, impotent of intellect, he was the kind of guy who lettered in leg-breaking at thug school but flunked the written exam because he didn't know which end of the e-pencil to use.

No thanks,” I answered, “I never take rides from strangers, thugs who've tried to kill me or people with poor personal hygiene. Congratulations, by the way, for being the first person to qualify in all three categories.

From her own life experience Keldaren knew that loveable hunks were in short supply anywhere in the galaxy, loveable hunks who knew her were an extinct species, and that more marketing companies than friends had her phone number.

Yeah, but will it hurt?”’ I asked.“This is science, Zach,” Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. “Of course it will hurt.

ESPE: So, in both conversations, Lama Sangyay steers you away from thinking directly about Epifanio or your relationship (or lack thereof) and right into the nature of your mind. So masterful.CLARA: Isn't he? I hate those instructions. I do not want to do those contemplations. I want Epifanio!ESPE [laughing]: Of course you do. How does it feel to want?CLARA: "Et tu, Brute?"ESPE: Oh, sí, Señora. ¡Yo también!

The cybernetic operation?""No, the sex change."The doctor's smile faltered."I'm joking.

The princess turns to him, serious. 'You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron who falls down a shaft and lands in sticky goo to lead the Brundeedle race out of Woe Time.':

Man is an endangered species.

Shouting didn't help. Kathy keyed her landing skids down and strangled the thruster grips onto full. A flagman on the ground dove sideways. The fighter whizzed past the man's prostrate body, her skids unfolding only feet above his head. She nearly beheaded three others as she scrambled to decrease power to her belly thrusters and fight spinning into a sideways slide. Suddenly a group of people came into view at the edge of the tarmac. “Oh shit!” She killed her belly thrusters completely.The skids hit the cement like a Boeing 747 with no tires. She slammed back into the seat. Metal screeched against cement. Everything shook like a jackhammer. The big Shimeron slued sideways then slammed her into her harness as it lurched to a halt. Every part of her including her hands shook. She took a deep breath and tried to calm her tremors enough to power down.“You did it, O’Donnell,” she said as the gyros whined down in a groan of sympathy. She removed her helmet and pushed back her flight suit hood only to have a pile of sopping wet sparkling hair flop out over her face. She swiped it away and released the canopy. A blast of cool ocean air filled the cockpit. Carefully, she peered over the side of the cockpit.Bodies lay strewn about on the ground. A few prostrate forms moved. Kathy sank down into the seat with a grimace. Great, you just killed your welcoming committee, you twit.

Deep down, we all have our dark thoughts, Kathy. Mine are no different than any others. My life was planned for me, like my body was engineered to be what it is, a Prime Elite. But underneath it all I am still a man. Though I did not want this bonding at the beginning, it is now a part of me . . . and a part of you. We will work things out, my wife and we will do it together, that is what I accept. Also,” he adjusted his arm around her, feeling her discomfort. “I know that without you there is an emptiness that I cannot put into words. It is an emptiness that I will not live with. Thus, I do not wish to be free of you . . . ever.

Mars is not Earth. It doesn't have a thick atmosphere to bend light and carry particles that reflect light around corners. It's damn near a vacuum here. Once the sun isn't visible, I'm in the dark. Phobos gives me some moonlight, but not enough to work with. Deimos is a little piece of crap that's no good to anyone.

Andy Weir

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.

The Law of Chaos: Any activity or event that seems to lie beyond the boundaries of possibility will usually be the first thing to occur.

Tammaru’s office looked like NASA’s control room designed by Donald Trump.

Please stop sniffing the robot boy, Noemi tells herself, jerking out of the trance.

Yes,” Lisa said with the usual blank honestly. She frowned. “Was that a sincere question? Or a scolding rhetorical question akin to Harilotecca’s speech patterns?

Ash Gray

It’s you,” she murmured, staring at his eyes, a fine, dove gray.He smiled. “Of course, it’s me. Let’s get you back to your boat.

Cheryl Sterling

Dave had been fun when they’d first dated. Then impending fatherhood had sobered him at the same time Mickle and Company had crooked its finger, turning him from Mr. Right to Mr. Wrong.

Cheryl Sterling

How, exactly, did I kill him? He died on the golf course.” One minute he’d been practicing his swing, and in the next—phzzt—a freak lightning bolt had hit him right in the nine iron. His shoes were still smoking when she reached him.

Cheryl Sterling

Darrow: "Does he really believe believe in magic?" I ask.Daxo Au Telemanus: "He says gnomes steals ear wax from him at night. Mother thinks he's been hit too many times in the head." Daxo backs away following his father. But he can't hide the his clever smile as he pops a jellybean into his mouth. And I see where the ones in my pocket came from. "I say he just lives in a more entertaining world than we do.

I've got a thing about heights."Nate glanced at her. "I thought you had a thing about bugs?""I've got more than one thing, it's allowed.""You were okay up in the loft, said Debbie."Because the loft is a nice big space with guard rails," Veek said. "A ladder's a flag pole with delusions of grandeur.

This is the last time Abel lets the humans make the plans.

Abel. I can’t let you…sell your body.”“The transaction is closer to a rental.

Three lights should be fine." - Zachary"Aye, well if it wis me, I'd want a bloody lighthoose beacon comin' oot o' my arse." - True MacDonald

We lifted up and then bobbed."Back! Pull it back!" (Christopher)"It's hard." (Kitty)"The ground is harder!" (Christopher)

Gini Koch

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