Humor Quotes - Page 118

One of Renee's friends asked her, "Does your boyfriend wear glasses?" She said, "No, he wears a Walkman.

Close your eyes, and think of someone you physically admire, and let me kiss you.

Morrissey

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out - Thank you, drop dead!

Morrissey

America: It's like Britain, only with buttons.

I think there’s no greater joy than completing a song out of thin air. It’s like inventing something, but it’s invisible, you know? It’s weird. It amazes me. You can send it out in the world, and that’s the joy. It’s like giving birth to all these songs and letting them go like they’re your kids.

There's a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating.

I see the world, it makes me puke,But then I look at you and know,that somewhere there's a someone who can soothe me.

Morrissey

The alarm in the morning? Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra in a perfectly transcendent version in Shubert's seventh symphony. And I've rigged it up so that at exactly 7:30 every morning it falls from the ceiling onto my face.

My love, wherever you are - whatever you are - don't lose faith. I know it's gonna happen someday to you.

Morrissey

It's so shameful of me: I like you.

Morrissey

I'm tired again, I've tried again, and now my heart is full.And I just can't explain...so I won't even try to.

Morrissey

And make no mistake, my friend, your pointless life will end; but before you go, can you look at the truth?

Morrissey

The heart has a heart of its own.

Morrissey

I am hated for loving.I am haunted for wanting.

Morrissey

Can you squeeze me into an empty page of your diary and psychologically save me?

Morrissey

The more you ignore me, the closer I get; you're wasting your time.

Morrissey

I was wasting my life, always thinking about myself.

Morrissey

Oh, I can't help quoting you, because everything that you said rings true.

Morrissey

I'd love to...but only with you.

Morrissey

In our world, I rank music somewhere between hair ribbons and rainbows in terms of usefulness.

Suzanne Collins

How can anybody say they know how I feel? The only one around here who is me, is ME.

Morrissey

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believethat if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well inmy life.

Vann Chow

Where in the self-help section of Barnes and Noble does one find a guide on dealing with a supernatural stalker?

Willpower is misunderstood. The very word suggests that wanting something badly enough bequeaths that necessary strength to achieve or overcome something. If that were the case, I'd be Michael Fassbender's missus by now.

Annmarie O'Connor

You know the old adage: give a woman a bag and she'll fill it for a day. Teach a woman to pack and she'll fill every damn bag she owns (or something of that ilk).

Annmarie O'Connor

Excuses – the great enabler. Without them, we'd have no reason to shop when we shouldn't and every reason to feel guilty for doing so. Nothing like the aul 'dog ate my knickers' chestnut to manifest a new handbag at will (in which to deposit much-needed new knickers, of course).

Annmarie O'Connor

I was sweating like Christy Moore at a Feis Ceol, so badly, in fact, I looked like I was sporting a finger moustache as I attempted to rescue suicidal perspiration drops from my upper lip. Classy.

Annmarie O'Connor

Be kind to your future self, and your future will be kind to you.

Look. The world is full of liars, and it’s time someone admitted it, shed a light on it, and lightened up about it.

Lauren Handel Zander

Our mind has a mind of its own.

Lauren Handel Zander

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Jock Camp

In my life, I have given a fuck about many people and many things. I have also not given a fuck about many people and many things. And like the road not taken, it was the fucks not given that made all the difference.

A lot of men tend to want "models"I tell men, unless they look like a model themselves, they can't expect to land one.

There ARE people who won't customarily eat an entire row of cookies, or hear food calling their name from other rooms, or who don't grind up food in the garbage disposal for fear of eating it, or get it back out of the garbage so they could eat it. Of course, my binge eating was just a cover-up for the larger issue: Trying to fill the emptiness

S.A.R.K.

I married my first husband for love, my second husband for adventure, and my third husband for laffs.

Carolyn V. Hamilton

Do you ever get a panicky feeling that nobody cares if you live or die? (A husband will often care decisively, one way or another.)

My dear husband Thomas has informed me that I can't walk without natural hip action. The more I slow to adjust my walk, the more my hips determine to swing of their own accord.

Heather Day Gilbert

You’ll be angry, but I’m going to ask anyway. Will you marry me?' The unsupported voice, the one that happened when he couldn’t breathe, but had to speak.I nudged his hands apart to see his face, and found it faintly overcast by tension. 'No,' I said gently,He blinked again and asked, his voice unaltered, 'May I ask you once a year, every seventh of December, in case the answer changes?''Yes. I don’t think it will.''Oh. I only ask because I hate the thought of not having breakfast with you for the rest of my life.''My dear,' I said. 'Jamie. That’s a different question.''Oh. Will you have breakfast with me for the rest of my life?''Probably.

I must say, Graystone, you are surviving married life very nicely." Peter helped himself to claret from the decanter that had been set out in the library."Thank you, Sheldrake. I flatter myself that not every man could survive being married to Augusta.

Are you kidding me? How can you even ask me that? I'm stuck in a world I have no hope of surviving, I'm forced to depend on a guy who thinks I can't be trusted, I'm being pushed into marrying a man who believes I can't talk, and I've lost everyone I've ever cared about! Why wouldn't I feel uneasy?

Well, no, not married as such, but yes, there is a specific girl that I'm not married to.

In some cases, it is the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that has left her man for another.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I was wrong.Now that I think about it, if I had said those words to a now-ex back in my twenties, I would probably be married right now.

Most of a husband’s life is spent in doing research on his wife.

In many cases, it was the woman’s stomach—not her heart—that fell for her man.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

In his business, he observed human nature and came to certain conclusions about it. The conclusions lacked wisdom and originality; in fact, they were tiresome. But they were important to McGarrity because he had figured them out for himself. In the first years of their marriage, he had tried to tell Mae about these conclusions, but all she said was, "I can imagine." Sometimes she varied by saying, "I can just imagine." Gradually then, because he could not share his inner self with her, he lost the power of being a husband to her, and she was unfaithful to him.

Lorenzo: In such a night stood Dido with a willow in her hand upon the wild sea-banks, and waft her love to come again to Carthage Jessica: In such a night Medea gathered the enchanted herbs that did renew old Aeson. Lorenzo: In such a night did Jessica steal from the wealthy Jew, and with an unthrift love did run from Venice, as far as Belmont. Jessica: In such a night did young Lorenzo swear he lov'd her well, stealing her soul with many vows of faith, and ne'er a true one. Lorenzo: In such a night did pretty Jessica (like a little shrow) slander her love, and he forgave it her. Jessica: I would out-night you, did nobody come; but hark, I hear the footing of a man.

William Shakespeare

His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea.

Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage.

George R.R. Martin

All lies, freckled vows, crying-weeping on your toesExpected jelly beans gusto, got yourself a life imperfectoToo good a gal, too arrogant a galToo independent, too in need of ChanelTook a careless ride, leaped for a perilous dive Now look who thrived, who gave you a vibe. - Chicken In Chicken Out

Heenashree Khandelwal

For five years I didn't think it was possible to be this happy.But then he forgot all those promises he made. He forgot why he loved me. He simply stopped loving me.And this is how he did it:He stopped talking to me unless I spoke to him.He stopped holding my hand.He stopped kissing me good night.He stopped kissing me good morning.He stopped kissing me.He stopped smiling at me.He stopped laughing.He stopped bathing and showering with me.He stopped wanting me.He started swearing at me.He started lying to me.He started cheating on me.He hurt me.And then he told me he was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce.Oh, I forgot. He said he was sorry.I wanted to blow his fucking brains out.

For her, marriage was a sweetened version of murder.

Daniel Saldaña París

There is a perfect marriage. Any marriage counselor can tell you that.

Ljupka Cvetanova

She said yes. If only she didn't talk so much!

Ljupka Cvetanova

Just married! A bright past is ahead of them!

Ljupka Cvetanova

Opposities are married.

Ljupka Cvetanova

The amount of women you hear say, "If Donald—or Arthur—or whatever his name was—had only lived." And I sometimes think but if he had, he'd have been a stout, unromantic, short-tempered, middle-aged husband as likely as not.

Agatha Christie

Should I get married? Should I be good?

Nothing makes sense, not that much of the world ever did." Quote from the book: "UnHoly Pursuit: The Devil on My Trail.

A. White

I'd go to the end of the world for my husband. Of course, if he'd just stop and ask directions, I wouldn't have to.

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