Humor Quotes - Page 112

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree......unless that tree's growing on top of a hill.

Her family had of late been exceedingly fluctuating. For many years of her life she had had two sons; but the crime and annihilation of Edward a few weeks ago, had robbed her of one; the similar annihilation of Robert had left her for a fortnight without any; and now, by the resurrection of Edward, she had one again.

Jane Austen

Wherever the family was, these two dogs, both six-year-old shepherd mixes, took up their posts at the central coming-and-going point. Gil called them concierge dogs. And it's true, they were inquisitive and accommodating. But they were not fawning or overly playful. They were watchful and thoughtful. Irene thought they had gravitas. Weighty demeanors. She thought of them as diplomats. She had noticed that when Gil was about to lose his temper one of the dogs always appeared and did something to divert his attention. Sometimes they acted like fools, but it was brilliant acting. Once, when he was furious about a bill for the late fees for a lost video, one of the dogs had walked right up to Gil and lifted his leg over his shoe. Gil was shouting at Florian when the piss splattered down, and she'd felt a sudden jolt of pride in the dog.

Louise Erdrich

Prospero the Enchanter's immediate reaction upon meeting his daughter is a simple declaration of: "Well, fuck.

Erin Morgenstern

To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one's own relations.

Oscar Wilde

They seem nice, though, your sisters, really,' Porcelain remarked.'Ha!' I said. 'Shows what little you know! I hate them!''Hate them? I should have thought you'd love them.''Of course I love them,' I said.... 'That's why I'm so good at hating them.

Alan Bradley

Trolls have a longstanding animosity for goats--"Who's that trip-tapping across my bridge!?"--and this led me to think that perhaps trolls are related to goats, since it seems a lot more plausible to me that your relatives would make you insane than some random hooved mammal, however ecologically destructive it might be. What if trolls evolved from goats? Or, no, better yet, what if goats evolved from trolls? Or were domesticated from trolls by human shepherds? And the trolls despise their domesticated cousins as a disgrace to the once-proud troll race, (much as I assume wolves would despise Chihuahuas if they ever gave them much thought) and eat them at every opportunity.

Ursula Vernon

Accept the fact that girls squeal when they're happy or confused or excited or scared or because they just saw a certain boy in line.

Harry H. Harrison Jr.

You can't force folks to have good sense, even if they're family. Maybe especially then.

Patricia C. Wrede

While you've been gadding about the countryside, we've held a meeting, and we've all of us decided that you must go.'In short, we've voted you out of the family,' Daffy said. 'It was unanimous.

Alan Bradley

And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry figured out how to get them into the bodies of people who didn't really want to eat 700 more calories a day.

Barbara Kingsolver

Sometimes, though, you have to do things for family, even if you'd rather not.

Patricia C. Wrede

Yes, she was a scandal.Her brother simply didn’t know it.“I fell in the Serpentine today.”“Yes, well, that doesn’t usually happen to women in London. But it’s not so much of a scandal as it is a challenge.

Sarah MacLean

If you don't understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.

Linda Sunshine

Growing up in my family meant ambushes on your birthday, crossbows for Christmas, and games of dodge ball where the balls were occasionally rigged to explode. It also meant learning how to work your way out of a wide variety of death traps. Failure to get loose on your own could lead to missing dinner, or worse, being forced to admit that you missed dinner because your baby sister had tied you to the couch. Again.

Seanan McGuire

In the future if my mother tries to shame me with her disapproval, I will let her know in no uncertain terms that I reject her and all of her codependent baggage. I am Codependent No More.

Susan Juby

Family. Couldn't live with them, couldn't run a stake through them.

Chloe Neill

Donit kill her now, just when we've gone to all that trouble to rescue her," said Jeffrey.

Jeanne Birdsall

I love hearing my relations abused. It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all. Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live nor the smallest instinct about when to die.

Oscar Wilde

Talaith leaned forward, studied her youngest daughter. “You think you’re evil?”“Pure evil,” Izzy clarified, which got her a rather vicious glare from Rhi. An expression Dagmar had never thought the young,perpetually smiling or sobbing girl was capable of.“Why would you think you’re evil?”“It’s a feeling I have.”“No. Someone told her.”Rhi glowered at her sister. “I never said that.”“You didn’t have to,” Izzy shot back. “I know you.”“Well, who told her that?” Talaith demanded.And, as one, they all turned and looked at Gwenvael.He blinked, sat up straight. “I would never say such a thing to my dear sweet niece!”“You said it to me,” Talwyn snapped.“That’s because you’re not my dear sweet niece. You’re the rude little cow who threw a knife at my head.”“I wasn’t aiming for you. I was aiming for Mum.”“She’s right,” Annwyl admitted. “I just ducked behind you.” She shrugged. “Sorry.

G.A. Aiken

Hermes gazed up at the stars. "My dear young cousin, if there's one thing I've learned over the eons, it's that you can't give up on your family, no matter how tempting they make it. It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the Internet-""You invented the Inte

Rick Riordan

Abe held my gaze a bit longer and then broke into an easy smile. ʺOf course, of course. This is a family gathering. A celebration. And look: hereʹs our newest member.ʺ Dimitri had joined us and wore black and white like my mother and me. He stood beside me, conspicuously not touching. ʺMr. Mazur,ʺ he said formally, nodding a greeting to both of them. ʺGuardian Hathaway.ʺ Dimitri was seven years older than me, but right then, facing my parents, he looked like he was sixteen and about to pick me up for a date. ʺAh, Belikov,ʺ said Abe, shaking Dimitriʹs hand. ʺIʹd been hoping weʹd run into each other. Iʹd really like to get to know you better. Maybe we can set aside some time to talk, learn more about life, love, et cetera. Do you like to hunt? You seem like a hunting man. Thatʹs what we should do sometime. I know a great spot in the woods. Far, far away. We could make a day of it. Iʹve certainly got a lot of questions Iʹd like to ask you. A lot of things Iʹd like to tell you too.ʺ I shot a panicked look at my mother, silently begging her to stop this. Abe had spent a good deal of time talking to Adrian when we dated, explaining in vivid and gruesome detail exactly how Abe expected his daughter to be treated. I did not want Abe taking Dimitri off alone into the wilderness, especially if firearms were involved. ʺActually,ʺ said my mom casually. ʺIʹd like to come along. I also have a number of questions—especially about when you two were back at St. Vladimirʹs.ʺ ʺDonʹt you guys have somewhere to be?ʺ I asked hastily. ʺWeʹre about to start.ʺ That, at least, was true. Nearly everyone was in formation, and the crowd was quieting. ʺOf course,ʺ said Abe. To my astonishment, he brushed a kiss over my forehead before stepping away. ʺIʹm glad youʹre back.ʺ Then, with a wink, he said to Dimitri: ʺLooking forward to our chat.ʺ ʺRun,ʺ I said when they were gone. ʺIf you slip out now, maybe they wonʹt notice. Go back to Sib

Richelle Mead

Something tells me that you sneak bars up to your room a lot. In fact, you probably have a whole little shoebox dedicated to them.”“Wrong.”“I don’t think I am. Tell the truth, Emery. Do you hoard chocolate bars?”“Eww! Hoarding makes it sound gross. It’s not like I collect them or anything. I just keep a few on hand when the craving hits.”“And how often is that?”He’s pushing me. It’s evident by the grin on his face, but there’s something about the way his eyes are lighting up, the first time they’ve done it since he got here today, that makes me wanna answer him just to keep it going. I like the way he is right now. It’s much better than the tense and angry way he was before. “Every single day.” I admit and along with the smile comes a thick rumble of laughter. “So, you admit you have a problem. That’s the first step. Now that you’ve admitted it, I can properly treat you.”“And how do you plan on doing that?”“You solemnly swear never to take home and hide another chocolate bar, and I’ll make sure that every day, you have your daily dose of it.

Melyssa Winchester

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

Leinad Eibam

I'll try to turn the other cheek....But I've only got two and they're both stinging.

Heather Blanton

I'm a Buddhist. You might have a Christian obligation to catch pneumonia while you sit for two and a half hours listening to some twerp in a dress drone on about the virtue of wedded life but, dear as you are to me, I don't.

Natasha Pulley

Southern hospitality and Amish cooking - Ya'll Come Back, Danki.

Karen Harper

She just asked me to pick her up some tampons and a Yoo-Hoo." ~Alex Sinclair

Jenny B. Jones

You cannot function in an unction you don't take action on.

Ifeanyi Enoch Onuoha

Transform yourself from desperate doormat to outspoken doormat-wielding proctologist.

Marla Buchanan

We often wait for that knock of opportunity, though I've found it's better to just grab a chainsaw and cut open your own fucking door.

Don Roff

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Patrick L.O. Lumumba

The more we dig this world, the more prisoners we become

El Ca'Sophia M

Sometimes, how others look at it must not be how you should see it! Sometimes, how it means to others must not be how it should mean to you! Sometimes in life, things must have a different meaning to you, but positively; then you may be able to understand people and the mission, and accomplish the vision, with a good sense humor, seriousness and understanding, insight and wit, tenacity and distinctiveness, to the very end of your true strength!

Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Dear, he do have a problem.

Taylor Ann Bunker

Even though I was fairly certain God wasn't Ted Bundy, I kept an open mind, since this phone call was getting a bit confusing.

Scott Buckel

Please take note that any and all dragon petting will be at your own peril. We are not liable for any injuries sustained while petting.

Love The Stacks Bookstore

Jamal stared at the dog in his arms. "Why I am I holding a dog full of angels?

Diana Wynne Jones

One of his followers murmured agreement, but another quietly slipped away. Now there was Norton and four others. Maybe that wasn't so bad. Christ Himself could only find twelve.

Stephen King

Now that your speech impediment has been rectified, perhaps you might say something. It would be best if it were humorous. I enjoy a good jest.' 'You are dreadfully rude,' I said to him. He sighed. 'That wasn't the slightest bit funny.

Danielle L. Jensen

Hmmm,' the King said, making a face. 'I'm not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.' If I hadn't been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

Danielle L. Jensen

Pointed teeth would give one an appearance of ferocity," he said, tapping a straight white tooth. "Although that might require one to follow through with biting someone from time to time, and the thought is enough to make one feel ill. I don't even like my meat cooked rare.

Danielle L. Jensen

He can talk!""Yes, I can speak any language you want, fly, and breath fire." Air Raid said proudly."Can you do anything else?" the boy asked.Air Raid thought for a moment then said, "I can sing.""No, he can't. And please don't ask him to prove it," Ally quickly said looking at the fawn haired girl pleadingly."I'll believe you this time," the fawn hair girl said. After being proven wrong several times already she didn't want to take any more chances.

Jennifer Priester

Star, pillows don't attack dogs," Sam said."Or anything else," Turtle added.

Jennifer Priester

Vincent knew he was dying. A horrendous fever overwhelmed him with intolerable pain throughout many sleepless hours. It came as a result of a malaria epidemic that erupted in his hometown during early nineteenth century Europe. The disease spread so fast, physicians had to ration their stocks of quinine only to use it on patients who weren’t declared “hopeless”. Vincent was one of the unlucky ones. Speculating his time on Earth may be short, he requested spiritual guidance, even if he wasn’t a faithful man, nor did he believe in forgiveness. He appealed to the Church as a “just in case” like many other petrified atheists.

Don Luis Zavala

Love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.

William Goldman

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer and farther away. If you went with it, it was quite pleasant, as long as you didn't introduce any lateral movement like turning your head or the car. This caused the universe to try and slide away from underneath you. The other side effect was the constant feeling you ought to try to twist your head off, in a good way.

Dylan Perry

It was one of those decisions that shouldn't have been so easy to get so wrong. Go on your own or take the half wasted waif. She was wearing denim hotpants with a pink vest top, and was hanging off his arm, more for stability than closeness, so he propped her up against the wall next to the counter and reached inside his coat pocket for his badge. It was definitely his badge, he clearly remembered stealing it two years before whilst in California.

Dylan Perry

On the corner of Cathedral Road a raven sat in a tree watching him. He knew it was Dorkus for two reasons. Firstly, he'd told Dorkus to stay there to keep an eye on Michael. Secondly, he was wearing a top hat, carrying a cane, and if Corvid's eyes were right, he now had spats over his feet."Cacaw," Dorkus said."Really?" Corvid replied, "we're back to cawing?""I thought it would be less suspicious in public.""You do know you just said that carrying a cane and wearing a top hat and a pair of spats?

Dylan Perry

These werewolves and the gwrgi are not like the American breed of werewolf. They are not part timers. They do not spend the one, full moon, night in every twenty eight as a wolf or wolf-man beast. They do not spend twenty eight days and twenty seven nights wandering round high school hallways and shopping malls filled with teenage angst about falling in love with the 'one'. They do not go to cool parties where everyone is half naked and waxed.When werewolves change that's it, seven years as a wolf. Gwrgi are stuck the way they are permanently and aren't so much a wolf with a large dollop of teenage heart throb mixed in, but more a wolf with a little too much stinky tramp mixed in.One folk legend is true. You can kill both werewolves and gwrgi by either shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet or by chopping their head off. But then, pretty much any animal can be killed by shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet or by chopping their head off. And if you're on a budget, the bullet probably doesn't even need to be silver.

Dylan Perry

The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do not know anything at all.

Neil Gaiman

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were."We are bipedal," Erebus said. "We wish to be distinguished from the animals.""What are animals?" an elemental asked."We're not sure yet, but they will have more than two legs. Unless we give them less than two... or maybe not. Anyway, it's just a concept we're playing with at the moment.

Dylan Perry

Ready?" Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand."How about we start with a chase? Try to touch the far wall and get back here before I cripple you." He smiled as if he'd said 'tag you', not 'cripple you'.

Dylan Perry

Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris.""Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie.""You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact."Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told."Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?"Nothing."You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?"Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you?

Dylan Perry

I've done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you'd be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more morally questionable episodes." He paused to recall a recent rewrite. "One lord wanted the murderers removed from his family line. His family was so corrupt, he ended up with three virgin births, two generations removed entirely and a lady who gave birth at the age of two. Still, no one questions it as there is evidence in the archives." Bubo smugly tapped a book. "There is one thing though, faking a prophecy in the past is easy, you already know the result. How will you make this come true in the future?""I have someone in mind for it, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. But then prophecy is all optional anyway." Corvid looked up as if a thought had occurred to him. "I'd best go check on my man, I've not met him yet.

Dylan Perry

I don't understand humans." Caradoc shook his head. "It takes their brightest minds decades to plan an unmanned voyage to the nearest planet, which can take a year to travel each way. Yet they expect there to be aliens travelling distances it takes light decades to reach us, just for a weekend of bum fun with a total stranger without asking their permission, before dropping them off where they found them. They're just dying to believe the weirdest, least plausible things possible.

Dylan Perry

Azerowut, I must tend to an urgently urgent business and a business that is urgent most urgently. Watch over my tent with extreme care and care that is caring in the extreme, and do not, under any circumstantial circumstances, allow anyone and his brother to be within an uncomfortably uncomfortable distance of her door. --Master Kwadile

Michael Joseph Murano

Erasing is exercise for the hands

Elizabeth Rawls

His eyes go wide while a gasp of wonder passes his lips. He turns his body fully toward us. His lips moving like a fish out of water, gasping for breath. He gives his head a shake and stutters out, “Mer—mermaids. There are fish with women’s bodies or—women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I—I never knew...

A.R. Von

In fact the Gods were as puzzled by all this as the wizards were, but they were powerless to do anything and in any case were engaged in an eons-old battle with the Ice Giants, who had refused to return the lawnmower.

Terry Pratchett

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Humor Quotes - Page 112

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