Humor Quotes

He's named you heir apparent to the Apocalypse. Congratulations.

Rachel Caine

Everyone should be comfy during the apocalypse.

J. Cornell Michel

It's an alien apocalypse! Quick, grab the beer!

Rick Yancey

Wasn’t allowed to have pets. I killed my pet cockroach when it crawled into my ear.

Katherine McIntyre

Thank God for imminent doomsday.

Jim Butcher

Will the last person on the planet please turn off the lights?

John Joseph Adams

A peaceful refuge in which to rediscover each other, we thought,, not realizing that, while golf and fishing are Scotland's most popular outdoor sports, gossip is the most popular indoor sport.

Diana Gabaldon

Count Olaf sounds like an awful person. I hope he is torn apart by wild animals someday. Wouldn't that be satisfying?

Lemony Snicket

Maybe taming my tongue will be good for me in the end. But it's pretty hard when you've got a world filled with idiots from Drunkopolis.

A.J. Jacobs

That woman could spread gossip faster than the flu in a whorehouse.

Jean Oram

Persons of quality had devoted yester evening and much of the night to liquidating their holdings in the South Sea Company and gathering in clubs and coffeehouses to misinform one another.

Neal Stephenson

… I wonder why she hasn't spread the tale.""The only reason she would not is if she is ill or the story would somehow reflect badly on herself," replied Lady Badgery. "Otherwise, Portia Troutbridge has never been known to keep a scandal to herself.""Oh, I do hope she is ill!" exclaimed Truthful. "I mean, only just ill enough to keep the news quiet for a little longer. Is that too dreadful of me?""Not at all," announced Lady Badgery. "It is a very reasonable desire. In the case of Portia Troutbridge I myself would wish for something much more severe. Scarlet fever, perhaps. Or the plague.

Garth Nix

It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

Brian P. Cleary

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

Gail Carriger

The Book Highlights and Attacks areas of Inefficiency and Hypocrisy in Government Offices. It injects the much-need Enema into its Highly Constipated System.

Mahesh Ubhayakar

A Book for the Service Minded as well as the Government Bashers, on How to Be and How Not to Be.

Mahesh Ubhayakar

But I was eventually okay. And you will be okay too. Here's why. I had already made a decision early on that I would be a plain girl with tons of personality, and accepting it made everything a lot easier. If you are lucky, there is a moment in your life when you have some say as to what your currency is going to be. I decided early on it was not going to be my looks.

Amy Poehler

Fake boobs are weird ya'll" read by Patrick Stewart.

Amy Poehler

I do not think my life would make a very interesting book,' I say. 'I feel I can speak with a certain amount of authority here.

Paul Murray

We had a teacher called Fanny Menlove, and I remember once when she was out of the room Nancy went up to the blackboard and wrote it backward - Menlove Fanny - and we all fell around laughing. She got into big trouble, but she didn't seem to mind. She had no fear.

Peter FitzSimons

Vanity was the beginning and the end of Sir Walter Elliot's character; vanity of person and of situation. He had been remarkably handsome in his youth; and, at fifty-four, was still a very fine man. Few women could think more of their personal appearance than he did; nor could the valet of any new-made lord be more delighted with the place he held in society. He considered the blessing of beauty as inferior only to the blessing of a baronetcy; and the Sir Walter Elliot, who united these gifts, was the constant object of his warmest respect and devotion.

Jane Austen

What a situation!' cried Miss Squeers; '...What is the reason that men fall in love with me, whether I like it or not, and desert their chosen intendeds for my sake?' 'Because they can't help it, miss,' replied the girl; 'the reason's plain.' (If Miss Squeers were the reason, it was very plain.)

Charles Dickens

I hope the artist who illustrates this work will take care to do justice to his portrait. Mr. Clive himself, let that painter be assured, will not be too well pleased if his countenance and figure do not receive proper attention.

William Makepeace Thackeray

Now I feel like James Bond. Suave and intelligent, breaking all the codes while looking fabulous.

Jim Butcher

I'm brilliant as well as skilled," he said modestly. "It's a great burden, all of that on top of my angelic good looks. But I try to soldier on as best I can.

Jim Butcher

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon.

J.R. Ward

I had never thought much of genealogy. A lot of wasted time collecting the names of the dead. Then stringing those names, like skulls upon a wire, into an entirely private and thus irrelevant narrative, lacking any historical significance. The narcissistic pastime of nostalgic bores.

Joshua Ferris

He had no idea about the 'loving deeply' part. Scarlet was the one love he'd had. They'd married the weekend after they'd discovered they both like sangria. He'd thought they were waltzing through life and it turned out she was line dancing.

Jodi Thomas

I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!

Jillianne Hamilton

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren't two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what we want to do about it. Fundamentally, there is one kind of thing we do: live our lives. And we can reflect on this activity more or less abstractly.

Eric Kaplan

... Paris was a city of love for unimaginative folks.

Lauren Morrill

I’ve always had a thing for men with large hadron colliders.

Cole McCade

If you were in paris your food might as well glitter.

Michelle Gable

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

Melika Dannese Lux

The people of the United States will do anything for Latin America, except read about it.

James Barrett Reston

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

Steven Wright

Homeowners' Association: the means whereby people who own homes are able to transfer their rights to the neighborhood control freaks.

Ron Brackin

Follow the ideal doing,grind the beans just before brewing.Use spring water,for softened water,makes a horror.A parley perfect,between the coffee,and the milk,with some,tbrown sugar thick.” (Poem: An apology of a coffee lunatic, Book: Ginger and Honey)

Jasleen Kaur Gumber

I don’t know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I’m telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it.

P.G. Wodehouse

How hard can writing be? After all, most of the words are going to be 'and,' 'the,' and 'I,' and 'it,' and so on, and there's a huge number to choose from, so a lot of the work has been done for you.

Terry Pratchett

Words are the bones. Writing is the lungs. Reading is like breathing.

T.L. Crain

Slaying dragons, melting witches, and banishing demons is all fun and games until someone loses a sidekick—then it’s personal. The bad guy isn’t just the “bad guy” anymore, he’s the BAD GUY!

Michael J. Sullivan

You'll like it less when you hear what they've been building. It's a big raised platform at the end of the square about two metres above the ground, with steps running up to it.''Like a stage?' Erak suggested. 'Maybe they're going to put on a play.''Or an execution,' Horace said.

John Flanagan

Give up trying to convince people who you are, instead confuse them. It is a lot more fun!

Shannon L. Alder

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame

Josh Stern

Pumpkin, stop rubbing your ass against me. We gotta go! I don’t have time to do you now. Prioritize, woman.

Kylie Scott

Kelley. Your name is Kelley, isn't it?" He didn't wait for her confirmation. "Yes. Well. Tell me...that bit just now...was that from Dante's Inferno?"Uh...no," Kelley stammered. Her face felt hot.Really?"I'm in for it.Are you sure?" he continued. "Because it most certainly wasn't from this play. And it bloody well sounded like hell.

Lesley Livingston

I thought that one was going to hit me,” I said, watching the disappointed girl stalk off into the crowd. “Being your girlfriend is dangerous.” “What can I say? I’m a magnificent specimen of manhood. Of course they all want me. But I do appreciate you protecting my honor.

Kylie Scott

That drew a laugh from Jessamy, but he said, after a moment: “You had better flay me. It was my fault—all my fault!”“I was wondering how long it would be before you contrived to convince yourself that you were to blame,” said Alverstoke caustically. “I haven’t the slightest wish to know how you arrived at such an addlebrained conclusion, so don’t put yourself to the trouble of telling me!

Georgette Heyer

Being a pumpkinhead is great.""Your HEAD is a PUMPKIN.

Justin Robinson

Life would be perfect if monster would stop farting.

David Chuka

She's in the club. The hopelessly-outnumbered-and-surrounded-by-monsters club.

M.R. Carey

You’d better tell me what you know, toad,” said Tiffany. “Miss Tick isn’t here. I am.”“Another world is colliding with this one,” said the toad. “There. Happy now? That’s what Miss Tick thinks. But it’s happening faster than she expected. All the monsters are coming back.”“Why?”“There’s no one to stop them.”There was silence for a moment.“There’s me,” said Tiffany.

Terry Pratchett

Religious ceremonies are of paramount importance in Bali ( an island, don't forget, with seven unpredictable volcanoes on it-you would pray, too).

Elizabeth Gilbert

Actually, [Wax] said, we came here because we needed someplace safe to think for a few hours."Ranette: "Your mansion isn't safe?"Wax: "My butler failed to poison me, then tried to shoot me, then set off an explosive in my study"Ranette: "Huh.... You need to screen these people better, Wax.

Brandon Sanderson

There will come a time in life, when you have to take decisions from your own. Choose wisely.As whatever you choose, will require your “complete time” & “attention”.So you must need to trust yourself,whenever you have to make a life’s decision.

Ayushi Jain

The itchy reality of these places is that they are no place at all, they are nowhere. There’s a sleeping monster in nowhere, and it is older and bigger than you, it is island-sized, and it has never known happiness. If you’re ever nowhere at all, and you do think about it, and you can hardly think about anything else, and you can hardly breathe, and oh, God, it is awake, it is that grand realisation which nobody can speak. Don’t speak it! What would you say?But all is not lost, because in our language we have this phrase. We never have to be nowhere at all, we only ever have to be in the middle of nowhere, which is a softer, funnier place to be. Do you see? The phrase makes nowhere a place, with boundaries and a centre, and if there are boundaries then you can leave this place, you can travel in any direction and “nowhere” will cease to be, and this whole experience will be something you can laugh about.

Quintin Smith

A sense of humor helps us to get through the dull times, cope with the difficult times, enjoy the good times and manage the scary times.

Steve Goodier

Life is sweet absurdity, Sir Wizard. Laugh your way through it.

Lita Burke

I'm a laugh tart. I make no secret of that fact.

Hugh Grant

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