Humor Quotes

Maybe taming my tongue will be good for me in the end. But it's pretty hard when you've got a world filled with idiots from Drunkopolis.

A.J. Jacobs

… I wonder why she hasn't spread the tale.""The only reason she would not is if she is ill or the story would somehow reflect badly on herself," replied Lady Badgery. "Otherwise, Portia Troutbridge has never been known to keep a scandal to herself.""Oh, I do hope she is ill!" exclaimed Truthful. "I mean, only just ill enough to keep the news quiet for a little longer. Is that too dreadful of me?""Not at all," announced Lady Badgery. "It is a very reasonable desire. In the case of Portia Troutbridge I myself would wish for something much more severe. Scarlet fever, perhaps. Or the plague.

Garth Nix

I'm a terrible person. I should have stayed in college. I should have gone skydiving while I had the chance. I should have gone swimming with dolphins. I should have seen The Spice Girls perform on their reunion tour!

Jillianne Hamilton

I used to ask myself, ‘Sergei, would you rather spend your money on drink or women?’ and thanks to the club, I spend it on both and am called a patron of the arts.

Melika Dannese Lux

You'll like it less when you hear what they've been building. It's a big raised platform at the end of the square about two metres above the ground, with steps running up to it.''Like a stage?' Erak suggested. 'Maybe they're going to put on a play.''Or an execution,' Horace said.

John Flanagan

He joined Jude in the kitchen and began making a salad, and JB slumped to the dining-room table and started flipping through a novel Jude had left there. "I read this," he called over to him. "Do you want to know what happens in the end?" "No, JB," said Jude. "I'm only halfway through.""The minister character dies after all.""JB!"After that, JB's mood seemed to improve.

Hanya Yanagihara

Isn’t Hollywood a dump — in the human sense of the word. A hideous town, pointed up by the insulting gardens of its rich, full of the human spirit at a new low of debasement.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

The boy she'd once loved was gone, and she'd accept it. But even if she didn't want Eric back, he'd hurt her. He was the enemy, and the Universal Girl Code stipulated friends should band together in hating the ****** till death.

Melissa Landers

I put the bra in brand, and I top it!

Natalya Vorobyova

We are entrusting thousands of strangers with our innermost thoughts and feelings, and then we're expecting them to be careful with those feelings. As much as we want it to be, the Internet is not a safe space. It is not a place where we can lay our burdens down and heal. Why? Because there are too many people there who do not give an ounce of a shit about our well-being. They do not deserve our rawness, and they will not treat it with care.

Luvvie Ajayi

[Will Turner] "You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement."[Captain Jack Sparrow] "...that's not much incentive for me to fight fair then is it?

Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio

Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.

Terry Pratchett

A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn’t see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald.

Jon Ronson

This bastard was in a self-help program? For what? Square-jawed, cleft-chin sufferers? Handsome Bastards Anonymous?

Susan Juby

And by the way, I know my title said “10 Reasons” and I only listed “6”. I didn’t learn to count in college.

James Altucher

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?” I asked with a growl of my own.His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. “How did you know about that?” “Tabby-Chan told me.”“Freaking Meko-Chan,” Kuroi uttered, “I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?”“She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her.” I realized what I said. “Oops.” ~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1

L. Benitez

I am always happy, because whenever I am sad I just know that somewhere, somehow, there is a person who is PUSHING a door that says PULL.

Auliq-Ice

I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day!

Walt Disney Company

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward.”“Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don’t throw flowers.

Andrew Barger

Mia,' she whispered. I turned around. 'What?' I whispered back.She smiled at me a little. 'LEEERRROOOY JEEENNKKIINNNSS!' she shouted, then spun around and ran toward the Z's in the lighting section.

John Green

Mindless violence against the undead?” said Zzzap. “Count me in.

Peter Clines

What Hamlet suffers from is a lack of zombies. Let us say Rosencrantz and Guildenstern show up—Ho-HO! Now you’ve got something that stirs the, um, something that stirs things that are stirrable. BOOM! A pack of ravenous flesh-eaters breaks open their heads and sucks out their eyeballs. No need for iambic pentameter because they are grunting, groaning annihilators of humanity with no time for meter. You’re not asleep in the back of English class anymore, are you? This is what I’m talking about. Zombies. Learn it, live it, love it.

Libba Bray

Hereos. Idols. They're never who you think they are. Shorter. Nastier. Smellier. And when you finally meet them, there's something that makes you want to choke the shit out of them.

Paul Beatty

Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for

Josh Stern

It's been a while since I've had sex. I figured it was just like riding a bike, the only difference is that after a while, the bike doesn't turn you over and ride you.

Beatrice Stark Girl Detective

...She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

The leading lady had a large and saving sense of humor. But there is nothing that blunts the sense of humor more quickly than a few months of one-night stands. Even O. Henry could have seen nothing funny about that room.

Edna Ferber

Alecto… what do you think would happen if people found out about you? Your abilities, your life, Mearth’s super 8 films, those powers of yours… how would they react?”“I don’t know,” said Alecto, “but ordinary people like a show, especially when it’s a disturbing one. They enjoy seeing misery… probably because it allows them to pretend that they themselves are not so miserable, too. Also, they would probably find out about you, how you know about Personifications, how you saw the films… they would put us in cages and throw peanuts at us, I guess.”“All joking aside, Alecto.…”“Who is joking, Mandy Valems?

Rebecca McNutt

New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it.

Bill Maher

Glasses are for people that sips instead of drinks.

Kai Starr

The princess turns to him, serious. 'You are the one my great-grandfather spoke of: a denizen of Earth wearing a dirty apron who falls down a shaft and lands in sticky goo to lead the Brundeedle race out of Woe Time.':

Eric Laster

He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he would have pointed out that this was a reasonable assumption.

Eloisa James

... I should wish to add, as a tribute to the great merits of your lordship's cellar, that, although I was obliged to drink a somewhat large quantity both of the Cockburn '68 and the 1800 Napoleon I feel no headache or other ill effects this morning. Trusting that your lordship is deriving real benefit from the country air, and that the little information I have been able to obtain will prove satisfactory, I remain, With respectful duty to all the family, their ladyships, Obediently yours, MERVYN BUNTER. 　"Y'know," said Lord Peter thoughtfully to himself, "I sometimes think Mervyn Bunter's pullin' my leg.

Dorothy L. Sayers

It's in a can. It's good forever.

Renata Suerth

Look what pressure(cooker) does to Rice. It makes the hard and tough rice go soft.

gaurav rao

This was a few weeks ago," Annabeth said. "Percy told me a crazy story about meeting a boy our near Moriches Bay. Apparently this kid used hieroglyphs to cast spells. He helped Percy battle a crocodile mons

Rick Riordan

I'm Crusty," he said, with a tartar-yellow smile.I resisted the urge to say, Yes, you are.

Rick Riordan

Hypocrisy/hi pakrise/ noun1. The moment you tell someone it is not important to be right, in order to look right to everyone else.

Shannon L. Alder

For somewhere," said Poirot to himself, indulging in an absolute riot of mixed metaphors, "there is in the hay a needle, and among the sleeping dogs there is one on whom I shall put my foot, and by shooting the arrows into the air, one will come down and hit a glass house!

Agatha Christie

You know you're about as forthcoming as a mime.

Shirley Jump

[Hades] returned his attention to the playlist while I eased the car back on the road. His fingers flipped deftly over the screen. 'Orpheus...Dusk...Orpheus...Dusk...do you have anything on here that doesn't make people want to jump off a cliff?' ... 'I'm driving. When you learn to drive something more modern than a horse and buggy, we can listen to your music.''I can drive!''Did they even have cars the last time you can to the surface?' I teased.'Yes.''Not counting the minute and a half you spent rescuing me last year?'Hades fell silent, and I laughed. 'I didn't think so.

Kaitlin Bevis

everything is negotiable. everything.

Kay M. Rutherford

And then the other guy will look really sheepish, and mumble that, okay, maybe he tried to make a run for it, and maybe he took a drunken swing at the arresting officer, and maybe he made a couple of off-color remarks about law-enforcement professionals, and maybe he’s been hiding from the cops ever since an incident a few years back involving a bleeding hooker, nine pounds of cocaine, and a soiled image of Tipper Gore.

Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Stephen Colbert

Along with voting, jury duty, and paying taxes, goofing off is one of the central obligations of American citizenship. So when my friends Joel and Stephen and I play hooky from our jobs in the middle of the afternoon to play Pop-A-Shot in a room full of children, I like to think we are not procrastinators; we are patriots pursuing happiness.

Sarah Vowell

No one I met at this time -- doctors, nurses, practicantes, or fellow-patients-- failed to assure me that a man who is hit through the neck and survives it is the luckiest creature alive. I could not help thinking that it would be even luckier not to be hit at all.

George Orwell

Although i hate having to admit this, but the one good thing those annoying communists did right was to treat religion like a type of addiction and completely banned all practicies of it-Tanya Degurechaff (Youjo Senki)

Carlos Zen

Not just in America. When I left my primary school, my father said, 'Son, you are now a man,' then he gave me a scented candle and told me how babies are made." Vik fought to keep his lips from twitching.

S.J. Kincaid

The notion that inspired play (even when audacious, offensive, or obscene) enhances rather than diminishes intellectual vigor and spiritual fulfillment, the notion that in the eyes of the gods the tight-lipped hero and the wet-cheeked victim are frequently inferior to the red-nosed clown, such notions are destined to be a hard sell to those who have E.M. Forster on their bedside table and a clump of dried narcissus up their ass.Not to worry. As long as words and ideas exist, there will be a few misfits who will cavort with them in a spirit of *approfondement*–if I may borrow that marvelous French word that translates roughly as ‘playing easily in the deep’–and in so doing they will occasionally bring to realization Kafka’s belief that ‘a novel should be an ax for the frozen seas around us’.

Tom Robbins

The professor pointed out how he could drop a keel and a propeller into the water, in case he came down at sea, and after cutting the gas bag loose he'd have a seaworthy boat. He had everything on board for survival at sea, including fancy fishing gear, flares and weather balloons for distress signals, and both shortwave radio equipment and a low-frequency system for round-the-world communications."Boy! This is somethin' right out of Jules Verne...only better, maybe," said Homer.You are right, Mr. Snodgrass," said the professor. "It is ze only way to travel. You don't go so fast, but it beats swimming! Yes? And we have everysing for safety and comfort at sea, if we have to come down. Ze only thing we have to worry about is piranhas. Oh, zey are terrible! Zey will eat everysing in sight!""Piranhas?" Homer gasped. "I thought they were only found in South American Rivers?""Oh?" said the professor. "Do ze piranhas know zat, Mr. Snodgrass?

Bertrand R. Brinley

Your eyes having a nervous breakdown? Do you not know what to do? Well-guess what!” He stomps to the left of the recruit, pushing the recruit’s head into his until their cheeks meld together. He points out in front of them both. “I don’t care if some monkey is rippin’ your eyeballs out with rusty nails! YOU STARE UP FRONT AT ATTENTION! RIGHT THERE! IS THAT CLEAR!

J.K. Brown

Facebook has been spreading across the continents faster than a highly contagious Asian bird flu!

Gemini Adams

Nobody taught me to be like this. I was born this way. Since I opened my eyes to the world, I have never slept with a man. Never. Just imagine what purity. I have nothing to be ashamed of.[2000]

Chavela Vargas

Mae's first impulse was to die of shame, but she realized after a hot, stomach-clenching moment that this was probably impractical.

Sarah Rees Brennan

I’m tired. Dead tired. So tired I can barely stay awake to write this. After helping Mr Bircher search for his head all night, I’m a little annoyed too. Dad doesn’t help. He doesn’t know what it's like for a girl my age, trying to fit in at school as much as possible, and trying to fit in all the dead people. It’s not easy being a soul helper.

L.P. Donnelli

Do billboard salesmen record their sales on charts? If so, who's at the top of the billboard charts for billboard sales?

Ryan Lilly

Do you see those dull stars?" She outlined the formation with her finger."A pentagram," whispered Scott."Yes, but not just any pentagram. Take a look through the telescope."Scott approached the eyepiece."They're not stars!" "What do they look like?" asked Jenn.Scott studied each of the figures."It can't be," he stuttered. "Planets?" "Exactly what I thought." "But how? They're completely off their orbits.""The earth's off its axis." "Mount Etna erupted." "Greece had a earthquake.""The whole universe has gone mad!" Scott exclaimed. "And my friends have supernatural powers," said Jenn.

Katie Mattie

The big kid hasn't said anything yet. 'I do like hearing myself talk,' I say, 'only because I have a lot of neat things to say, but eventually the conversation will run out in, like, four or five years, and then where will we be?' Wonder of all wonders, he cracks a little smile. I don't blame him. I am pretty funny.

T.J. Klune

Have you ever kissed anybody?" he asked and took a sip.I smirked. "There aren't a whole lot of opportunitiesin the digital world. I did practice on my hand once. It didn't do anything for me".Justin coughed on the water he was swallowing and I slapped my hand over my mouth."Did I just say that aloud?" I mumbled.He was half coughing, half laughing. "Yes, you did", he managed to say.

Katie Macvinsky

Sopping, and with no sign of stopping, either- then a breather. Warm again, storm again- what is the norm, again? It's fine, it's not, it's suddenly hot: Boom, crash, lightning flash!

Old Farmer's Almanac

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