Hilarious Quotes - Page 7

You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.
Jayne Higgins
If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should stare into its arsehole.
Jussi Adler-Olsen
Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!
Taeko Watanabe
You Sure this is it?" I said. "It looks empty.""Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there," worm replied
Ransom Riggs
It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.
Eloisa James
Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?' 'Neythen, my lord.''Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis.
Eloisa James
I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?'She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her.Oh dear God!He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded.'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.
Julie Anne Long
Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.
Debi Gliori
Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
How are we going to get out of here?""Oh, escape is easy once you have the right
Derek Landy
Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--
David Nicholls
I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been. —Enid Healy
Seanan McGuire
Have they built cities on the moon?" another boy asked hopefully."We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.
Ransom Riggs
It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.
Wes Locher
She's in the Catskill," Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. "
Michael Scott
I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.
L.J. Smith
Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.
Chuck Palahniuk
June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.
Rick Riordan
Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?
Holly Black
Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!
Rick Riordan
Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.
L.H. Cosway
Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked..."Go ahead," Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.
James Dashner
I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.
Lady Gaga
Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.
Ilona Andrews
Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…
Tom Magliozzi
She looks me dead in the face and says, “The safe word is going to be ‘immigration,’ because you know I’ll stop it.
Kayti McGee
because daytime leaves vampires less than, well, conscious, I told him, “Take your muffins to Boston and shut it, Terrance.” And then I hung up on him.
Molly Harper
Taken from the dedication in my debut novel Exactly 23 days. To honour all women on International Women's day. For women everywhere: When you know you are finally mended, spread the word, hold out your hand, share some love from your heart and some laughter from your soul and be there for a new member of the sisterhood who needs your help. Let's all help our sisters worldwide to stand tall and know, they can and they will recover, survive and thrive, to live the life they deserve. To all the sisters who reached out and held my hand in whatever way you could, who cried my tears with me, and laughter my laughter too, I thank every one of you. I survived.
Jayne Higgins
You see that girl, she looks so happy right? But inside she's dying. She's hurt and tired. Tired of all the drama, tired of not being good enough, tired of life. But she doesn't want to look dramatic, weak or attention seeking so she keeps it all inside. Act's like everything's perfect but she cries at night, boy does she cry at night, so that everybody thinks she is the happiest person they know, that she has no problems and her life is perfect. Little do they know.
Jayne Higgins
If you want to know what the camel stole from your kitchen yesterday, then you shouldn;t slit open its stomach. You should stare into its arsehole.
Jussi Adler-Olsen
Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!
Taeko Watanabe
You Sure this is it?" I said. "It looks empty.""Empty? No way, there's loads of shit in there," worm replied
Ransom Riggs
It is still cheating, even if nobody comes.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Neythen looked perplexed. 'My mum always said I'm named after a saint, not an illness.''Which one?''Well he had his head chopped off, see? And then he picked it up and carried it down the road a time. All the way back home, I think.''Messy,' Piers said. 'Not to mention unlikely, though one has to think of chickens and their post-mortal abilities. Did she think that you would inherit the same gift?'Neythen blinked. 'No, my lord.''Perhaps she was just hopeful. It behooves mothers to look ahead to this sort of possibility, after all. I'm tempted to behead you just to see if she was right.Sometimes the most unlikely superstitions turn out to have a basis in fact.
Eloisa James
Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?' 'Neythen, my lord.''Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis.
Eloisa James
I don't know,' he said irritably. 'Is it meant to improve you?'She swiveled toward him, eyes wide with shock.'Because nothing could,' he added. Her mouth dropped in astonishment. Blotchy scarlet rushed her complexion. One would have thought he'd shot her.Oh dear God!He realized belatedly how wrong it had sounded.'No! God... that is to say.. nothing is necessary to improve you. Nothing could possibly make you better... than you already are.
Julie Anne Long
Bombs Away!" he yelled, swooping low over StregaSchloss. He saw little figures on the ground fleeing from the large green projectile that was speeding their way. "And a direct hit, if I'm not mistaken," he observed to himself. With a tremendous slapping sound, Ffup's digestive overload landed on a human target. There was a scream, a ghastly choking sound, and then silence.
Debi Gliori
Looking but not seeing is the hearing but not understanding of the eye.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
How are we going to get out of here?""Oh, escape is easy once you have the right
Derek Landy
Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--
David Nicholls
I really don’t think you should put your hand inside the manticore, dear. You don’t know where it’s been. —Enid Healy
Seanan McGuire
Have they built cities on the moon?" another boy asked hopefully."We left some garbage and a flag there in the sixties, but thats about it.
Ransom Riggs
It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.
Wes Locher
She's in the Catskill," Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. "
Michael Scott
I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind.
L.J. Smith
Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.
Chuck Palahniuk
June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them.
Rick Riordan
Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase."I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk."They're for you.""You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?
Holly Black
Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!
Rick Riordan
Dearest Annie, Roses are red. Violets are blue. I’m using my hand But I’m thinking of you. - Ronan P.S. Just to clarify, I’m using my hand to write this note…get your mind out of the gutter.
L.H. Cosway
Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked..."Go ahead," Newt replied.Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,' he said dryly. 'Don't die.'Thomas would have laughed if he could, but he was too scared for it to come out.'Great. We're all bloody inspired,' Newt answered.
James Dashner
I'm a little bit naked, but that's okay.
Lady Gaga
Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else.
Ilona Andrews
I’m twenty-four, a first grade teacher, have a Yorkie named Pedro, a goldfish named Fish, have never had sex, or a serious boyfriend, and I’m the town lesbian who pukes when she sees a pussy. Nothing really to be jealous of at all.
H.J. Bellus
One of the most common and most dangerous misbeliefs is that it is impossible for someone to be stupid just because they are a doctor or a lawyer.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
What were you thinking?" I demanded once we were moving to the music. I was trying to ignore his hands. "Do you know how much trouble you may have gotten me in?"Adrian grinned. "Nah. They all feel bad for you. You'll achieve martyrdom after dancing with a mean, wicked vampire. Job security with the Alchemists.
Richelle Mead

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