Hilarious Quotes

Now that he knew there was the possibility of gay porn in his future he was a happy hamster.

Ava,"Since shewas right, Daddy Shane has been calling her ourwalking, talking Magic 8 Ball, although we’re notallowed to shake her when we want answers.

Stephani Hecht North's Complications

How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens.

Cora Carmack

God help him if any of them ever came true. Why, he'd be a two-headed, three-toed, monkey-nosed, blind son of a cesspit-licking lackey is she had her way.

Kinley MacGregor

Merlin seeks assistance from Pigwiggen, the only one of Arthur's knights who is also a fairy, and they unite their enchantments to move the British Court to Turkestan. Lively end to Act One.

Davies Robertson

Thankyou,"Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. "That is kind of you my lord. But i will never dance with you." Which, ofcourse, made it the goal of leo's life.

Lisa Kleypas

How did I know? Paul, I've known since you were eight and I caught you masturbating in front of the TV to Bo and Luke Duke.

Heidi Cullinan

Son of a motherfucking, ass-reaming, shit-eating, hell-dodging soulless bitch!

Rachel Vincent

His father had always said, Son, the most important thing in life is to make a contribution. Who would have thought Kittridge’s contribution would be video-blogging from the front lines of the apocalypse?

Justin Cronin

And after his unparsable response, including a passage where he said he was 'blurring the boundaries between a thing and thought,' she said, 'Thank you, I get lost sometimes,' while laying two fingers on his folded arm.

Steve Martin

Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.

A.P.

Huh," said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman.

Rick Riordan

The alien in my uncle hand obviously taken full control. Soon, it would claw its way out of his stomach and tap dance across my bed

Jennifer L. Armentrout

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth

Tara Sivec

How could I not fall in love with him," she asked. And on the tail end of her words, her bedroom door flew open and closed just as fast.Jen bent over, panting heavily as she looked up at Sally."Hey Sally girl. Who we falling in love with?" Jen asked breathlessly."Jen, what's wrong?" Sally paused and then decided on a better question. "What have you done now?"Jen stood up and took two deep breaths. Seeming to have regained her wind, she spoke quickly."First off, I've changed my mind. I don't want you to name your first born after me."Sally interrupted. "Thank goodness for that," she muttered."I want you to name your entire freaking litter after me," Jen growled. "Do you know what I've been through?" Jen's arms were flinging around as she glared at Sally. "I did that little strip tease to try and keep things from escalating with the rest of the pack and Decebel was beyond pissed. I had to sneak out of the gathering room and make a run for it. I've been running through the freaking forest trying to throw him off by changing back and forth so that I could place my clothes that I carried in my freaking muzzle. CARRIED IN MY MUZZLE SALLY! I put them in different places to throw off him off my scent." Jen went over to Sally's window and was trying to judge the danger of using it as an exit.

Quinn Loftis

It was a nasty look. It made me feel as if I were something the dog had brought in and intended to bury later on, when he had time.

P.G. Wodehouse

And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.

P.G. Wodehouse

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

David Wong

Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin.

Rachel Caine

But you have so much in common. You're both from strange little backwater planets. You both have odd powers. You're male and she's female. What more do you need? Believe me, buddy, if I were you, I'd go right up there and ask her if she wants to ride on my rancor.

Dave Wolverton

It's brain," I said; "pure brain! What do you do to get like that, Jeeves? I believe you must eat a lot of fish, or something. Do you eat a lot of fish, Jeeves?""No, sir.""Oh, well, then, it's just a gift, I take it; and if you aren't born that way there's no use worrying.

P.G. Wodehouse

If you've ever been there, you've never forgotten. The feeling is as haunting and familiar as the smell of a junior high school locker room.

Frank E. Peretti

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like," she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak.

Kim Harrison

I think I kind of like the idea of you all cold and wet.""Oh right, I'll be at my best; no visible balls, and a dick that looks like a Chiclet...""I can fix that," laughed Connor.

Z.A. Maxfield

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid.""What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner."Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship?

L.A. Gilbert

Shane waved a hand. “Please, we know that all ittakes to get into your pants is a Hot Pocket and aNetFlix rental.

Stephani Hecht North's Complications

With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor hurtling through green clouds, a human prickles.

Flann O'Brien

Come on," he said. "Bring the poker."I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.

P.G. Wodehouse

Are they Russian by way of the Ozarks?

Alexa Land

I would like to point out, though, Lady Georgiana," he continued, "that you have decided to stay in a household with five single gentlemen, three of them adults.""Four," Andrew broke in, coloring. "I'm seventeen. That's older than Romeo was when he married Juliet.""And it's younger than I am, which is what counts," Tristan countered, sending his brother a stern look.

Suzanne Enoch

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

Si Robertson

Elizabeth smiled warmly. "For you I will allow it, Mr. Trask. How is your wife, sir? Still putting up with you, or has she finally come to her senses and run away?" Trask laughed, slapping his knee. "I see married life has not tamed that wit of yours, Miss Elizabeth! Well done! Your poor hus- band, to be saddled with such a wench!" Lizzy assumed a mournful face. "Yes, it is a tragic affair. It is merely a matter of time ere a cell at Bedlam will be his home.

Sharon Lathan

Why are you staring at my boobs? My face is up here,” Trudy exclaims.Jack, the hotel employees, and I jump back like we’ve been electrocuted while the seniors don’t skip a beat. No. She. Didn’t. These geriatric devils are so bad.

Stephanie Hale

From the Diary of the Duchess of RoxburgheI vow, I cannot seem to walk past a window without seeing my great-nephew carrying Miss Balfour somewhere. All great romantic poems have such scenes where the hero, in a fit of passion, sweeps the heroine off her feet. Sadly, it appears that Sin’s technique is questionable.I’m surprised that, with all of his supposed experience with the gentler sex, he doesn’t realize that women do not like to be carried in a way that musses their hair and leaves them with unattractively red faces. Sadly, yet another conversation I shall have to have with that boy.

Karen Hawkins

somewhere between hello and I want this job, he'd lost all business sense and hired the pretty lady just because she wanted the job. Was it because she turned him into a seventeen-year-old with raging hormones?

Dolores Wilson

Daniel?”I raise an eyebrow to match his expression. “Holder?”“What are you up to?”“I do not know what you are talking about,” I reply innocently.“You do know what I am talking about because when you are lying, you do not use contractions when you spe

Colleen Hoover

No' seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.

FayJay

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win,’ and drove off.

Kyle Adams

... I have just experienced the most passionate kiss I've ever received from a guy, and it was on the freaking forehead!

Colleen Hoover

What the—who the—what the fucking fuck?

L.A. Gilbert

Roy Mustang looks dead sexy...in a miniskirt!

Vic Mignona

Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That's just .... wrong. On so many levels.

Emma Chase

We found Trent and pulled him off the leggy girl. “Trent, it’s time to get home before your parents realize we snuck out.” I said. “What?” he asked confusedly. “Plus the bouncer found out we were sixteen and he does not look happy.” Logan added. The girl froze, “You’re sixteen? What the hell. You little perv, you’re going to pay for this.” Trent sputtered, “What? No.” Logan looked at her all doe eyed innocence and said “Sorry Ma’am, we have to get home now because it’s past our curfew.” Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays. So many death glares, so little time.

Amanda Kelly

Oh, poor baby,” she said, mimicking his drawl.“Whew. You’re back. There was this other Susie here a minute ago, and she was really nice to me. She scared the shit out of me.”She laughed. “They locked her back up in the loony bin.”“Good, because there’s only one Susie for me—the one who calls me on my crap and doesn’t let me get away with jack shit. That’s the Susie I need. That’s the Susie I’ve missed coming home to over the last year.” He kissed her. “And that’s the Susie who’s going to leave a gaping hole in my heart and my life if she doesn’t give me another chance.

Marie Force

I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get, though admittedly a chump of the premier class.

P.G. Wodehouse

You’d throw yourself in front of a bus for me.”She would and he knew it.He knew it and she knew that he felt that knowledge burrow deep and he liked it.Elle felt tears stinging the backs of her eyes, her body melted into his,her arms tightened around him and she whispered back, “Yes,Pren,though I hope I never get the chance.

Kristen Ashley

Gilly Gilleshpee

Victoria Laurie

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Ziad K. Abdelnour

I have to go. Boss hasthis weird idea that I should actually work while he’s payingme.

Laurie Halse Anderson

Pamela pulled off her cloak and Alexei gasped."You have on breeches!" He stared in disbelief. "Breeches!""I've never worn them before, and they are extremely comfortable. I quite like them." She smoothed the fabric over her hip. "Besides, you don't expect me to duel in a dress, do you?""I do not expect you to duel at all!"Pamela ignored him. "That would be most unfair, dueling in a dress, unless, of course, you would be willing to wear a dress as well?""Don't be absurd." He snorted in disdain. "I have no intention of ever wearing women's clothing again.""Again?" She raised a brow."It was an unavoidable disguise," he muttered.

Victoria Alexander

[Ella] “Again, I ask, whose side are you on?”[Lola] “The side that has the least Dorito-flavored vomit on the floor after the party.

Dakota Cassidy

Who grins in official circumstances?

Vladimir Nabokov

tiny doesn't just sing these words - he belts them. it's like a parade coing out of his mouth. i have no doubt the words travel over lake michigan to most of canada and on to the north pole. the farmers of saskatchewan are crying. santa is turning to mrs. claus and saying 'what the fuck is that? - will grayson

David Levithan

I couldn't make it in a chicken world, sir, so I hit the road in search of something better.

John A. Heldt

Ah, Robert?”“Shhhh, not while I’m praying,” he said, momentarily losing his place before he started again, “thank you for letting us survive that trip from hell. Thank you for ignoring my prayers for a quick death when I didn’t think that I’d be able to survive another day of starvation,” he said, making her roll her eyes in annoyance.“You were given three full meals a day just like everyone else,” she pointed out, not bothering to mention the fact that, on most days, he’d received second helpings. She sat down on a bench near their luggage, wondering just how much longer he was going to keep this up.“I’m sorry for all the cursing that my wife forced me to do while I was on that boat,” he continued, ignoring her even as he amused her. “As you know, she’s been such a bad influence on me. Thank you for pulling me from near death and somehow giving me the strength to survive.”“Near death?” she asked, frowning. “When were you near death?”“When was I near death?” he asked in stunned disbelief as he opened his eyes so that he could glare at her. “How could you forget all those times that I could barely move? When I struggled to find the will to live so that I wouldn’t leave you a young widow? Did my struggle for survival mean nothing to you?” he demanded in outrage, terrifying the people that were forced to walk past him to get to the docks and making her wrack her brain as she struggled to figure out what he was talking about.“Do you mean those few times when you had a touch of seasickness?” she asked, unable to think of anything else that he could be talking about since he’d been the picture of health during the majority of the trip.“A touch?” he repeated in disbelief. “I nearly died!

R.L. Mathewson

Honey, are you being safe?''I wear my seat belt, yes.''Does this Rob Lovely wear a seat belt too?'Matty sighed. 'Mother, seat belts should be worn at all times when in a moving vehicle. Didn't you teach me that?''So long as we're both talking about condoms here, then I'll leave it.''Consider it left.

Leta Blake

(Matty) 'I'm going to a corn maze.'(Elliot) 'Oh, bitch. You've lost your ever-loving mind.

Leta Blake

Give it up, mister! No sex for you!" I yelled at the wall as my girls cackled maniacally."Tons of sex for me, sister. None for you!" he yelled all too clearly through the wall.

Alice Clayton

A mistake? The most passionate night of his life was a mistake? Her first time and that’s what she thought. That grated on him in the worst way. “Is that what you think, Beth?”“Don’t call me that.”“Why, Beth?”“You know I hate that name.”“Oh, so sorry, Beth. I do apologize, Beth.” He was being petty and he knew it, but he didn’t give a damn. She’d always brought out the very worst in him.She reached up and twisted his ear. “Ow!”“Out of my way, Robert Lemonade,” she said casually, pissing him off in the worst way.

R.L. Mathewson

I dare you to call Ask-A-Nurse and tell them you feel a presence in your womb region.

Rainbow Rowell

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