Hilarious Quotes

Merlin seeks assistance from Pigwiggen, the only one of Arthur's knights who is also a fairy, and they unite their enchantments to move the British Court to Turkestan. Lively end to Act One.

Davies Robertson

But you have so much in common. You're both from strange little backwater planets. You both have odd powers. You're male and she's female. What more do you need? Believe me, buddy, if I were you, I'd go right up there and ask her if she wants to ride on my rancor.

Dave Wolverton

Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like," she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak.

Kim Harrison

I'm the master of distractions. A couple of hand gestures and BAM! I'll pull the underwear clean off your butt.

Si Robertson

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson"Oh, that's just a suggestion.

Si Robertson

What are these? They look like scars." Meryn glanced down and realized he was talking about her stretch marks. Had he never seen stretch marks before?”“Those are called stretch marks.""Stretch marks? How did you get them?" "Human females get them when we grow. If we grow too fast our skin rips apart and heals. It's a very painful process." Meryn lied through her teeth. There was no way she was going to discuss stretch marks after the most mind blowing sex of her life. Nope. Wasn't going to happen. Aiden's expression became reverent."Human females are amazing creatures, you endure so much pain yet are so fragile." He kissed each shiny line.I'm going to hell.

Alanea Alder

There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then.

Ari Gold

And then, on the final day, it was time for the faux Underground Railroad. This is the part that no one believes. "No adult would ever do that," they say. "You can't be remembering that right." I am, in fact, remembering it perfectly. The counselors "shackled" us together with jump ropes so we were "like slave families" and then released us into the woods. We were given a map with a route to "freedom" in "the North", which must have been only three or four hundred feet but felt like much more. Then a counselor on horseback followed ten minutes later, acting as a bounty hunter. Hearing hooves, I crouched being a rock with Jason Baujelais and Sari Brooker, begging them to be quiet so we weren't caught and "whipped." I was too young, self-involved, and dissociated to wonder what kind of impact this had on my black classmates. All I knew was that I was miserable. We heard the sound of hooves growing closer and Max Kitnick's light asthma wheezes from beind an oak tree. "Shut up," Jason hissed, and I knew we were cooked. When the counselor appeared, Sari started to cry.

Lena Dunham

But what really won me over was his butt. What finally made it impossible for me not to like the man was how right out there on the Adventist basepaths, right in front of eighty or ninety of the kind of pious adult spectators who spent their every Sabbath if not their entire lives trying to forget the existence of things like butts, Beal's buns were trying to light a fire by friction inside his jeans; they were gyrating like a washing machine with its load off balance; they were thrashing against his pants like two big halibut against the bottom of a boat. And the wonderful thing, the amazing thing, was how once his older audience got over the shock of it, they began to look amused at, then fascinated by, and finally downright grateful toward his writhing reminder that yes, buns did exist, and yes, every one of us owned not one but two of the things, and yes, like the God who created them in His Image, they did indeed move in mysterious ways.

David James Duncan

The only good thing was that by midnight, even most of the bums had gone home to sleep it off. That was lucky for them, because Ray was the worst damn driver I’d ever seen. And that was after I jerked his head out of the duffel and parked it on the dashboard.“Gah! That makes it worse!” he told me, as I tried to get the eyes facing forward.“How can it possibly be worse?”“Because I got double vision now! Get it off! Get it off!”He batted at his own head and succeeded in sending it tumbling into Christine’s lap. She immediately went into hysterics and slapped it away. The head fell out of the car; Ray hit the brakes and we came to a screeching halt.“What are you doing?” I screeched, as he hopped out. “There are people firing at us!”“Tough!” came from somewhere under the car.

Karen Chance

Everything ok here ?"Ryan grunted urging her with a hand on her lower back."He thinks you should mind your own business,"Makenna told the Beta,translating the grunt.Dominic cocked his head."You understand his grunts?"She lifted her chin."I thought it was crystal clear."Dominic turned to Ryan."Marry her."Ryan grunted again before heading for the door."What did he say?"Dominic asked her."Fuck off,"she translated.

Suzanne Wright

Where will we go?""I hear hell is particularly nice at this time of year.

Sarah J Maas

Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.

Derek Landy

Ear demons are totally real," Cody said. "They're what make microphones like these ones work. They're also what tell you to eat the last slice of pie when you know Tia wanted it.

Brandon Sanderson

What a cool name. Where'd you get it?""I've always had it.

Marie Landry

Oh, god…” I whimper. “I haven’t done anything yet, baby,” Colton growls. “I know,” I pant. “I was just saying your name.

Jasinda Wilder

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

Sol Luckman

Tex's head snapped in my direction.Fuckin' A, woman, you've never had a s'more? he boomedI shook my head.Christ, everyone's gotta have a s'more before they die. Fuck that shit, I'll build a fire in my backyard tonight and I'll stop by Kumar's on the way home to get the stuff. Everyone can come by-

Kristen Ashley

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open."And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees.

Brandon Sanderson

Thats what happens to Snow in Texas, lady. It freaking MELTS!!" Leo Valdez- The Lost Hero

Rick Riordan

Moments later, Sona Kilroy, heading for the open doorway, stepped over the sergeant’s body. With an old auto-rifle in his left hand and his favorite sword in the other, and the sharp melodic din of bolts and bullets ringing in his ears, ‘the Hammer’ grinned an evil grin to himself, well pleased. He wished he could’ve seen the look on the face of Indomitable’s captain when he realized the tables had just been turned on him! The thought amused him. It was bloody hilarious. He cackled, reveling in this complete reversal of fortune. Then he stalked onward with conviction, a grim smile on his lips – intent on taking the ship for himself. * * *

Christina Engela

-I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

Non know

Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?

John Kennedy Toole

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

Rebecca McNutt

The fantasy of life;When I was a child, I said ‘I can’t wait to grow up’.When I was adult, I said ‘I miss childhood adventures’.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Seeing his daughter slowly die, coupled with his infinite sadness and misery, the clockmaker becomes a recluse to the tower of the castle and begins to build something behind closed doors, not even his daughter knows what he’s up to. For five years, she only sees him briefly at meal-times before locking himself up in the tower once again...""...Did he have a bathroom in the tower?""Yes, Jack. A big one! En-suite! Power-shower and spa! Where was I!?

Jonathan Dunne

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

Leinad Eibam

What is it that Australians celebrate on 26 January? Significantly, many of them are not quite sure what event they are commemorating. Their state of mind fascinated Egon Kisch, an inquisitive Czech who was in Sydney at the end of January 1935. Kisch has a place in our history as the victim, or hero, of a ludicrous chapter in the history of our immigration laws. He had been invited to Melbourne for a Congress against War and Fascism, and was forbidden to land by order of the attorney-general, R. G. Menzies. He had jumped overboard, broken his leg, gone to hospital, failed a dictation test in Gaelic and been sentenced to imprisonment and deportation. When the High Court declared Gaelic not a language, Kisch was free to hobble on our soil...

K.S. Inglis

I wouldn't do that," Silk advised. "Thinking about it isn't going to help, and it's only going to make you nervous.""Nervouser," Garion corrected. "I'm already nervous.""Is there such a word as "'nervouser'?" Silk asked Belgarath curiously. "There is now," Belgarath replied. "Garion just invented it.""I wish I could invent a word," Silk said admiringly to Garion.

David Eddings

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The only real reason that some relationships and marriages have not yet been ended is because in each case one of the partners has not yet found their ideal partner or someone they love or at least like.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some men’s chests are more buttlike than some women’s butts.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people would not have remained with their partners, if the unfortunate things that have happened to them had happened to their partners, or if the fortunate things that have happened to their partners had happened to them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people would rather eat inside a windowless room in which they have just defecated than eat inside one in which someone else has just farted, even if the room does not have a toilet.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Finding out that you are not your lover’s only lover hurts, but not as much as discovering that you are the side chick … or the side dick.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people who are would each not be in love with their partner, if they did not have the kind of genitals they have.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When you are suffering from sexual starvation, a spank or even a hug seems like a porn scene.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

There would be fewer absent fathers, if straight men were turned on only by women with whom they would not mind having children.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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