Funny Quotes - Page 7

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.
Chris Rock
The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it's too late to save her. "I've noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear." She's been sensitized, turned gooey in the middle. I saw it happening and I didn't do anything to stop it. From now on, she'll be writing diaries and sometimes including little poems and she'll buy gifts for her favourite teachers and she'll admire the scenery and she'll watch the news and she'll buy soup for homeless people and she'll never burn my leg hair again.
Joe Dunthorne
Mom let go of us and leaned back so she could look us both in the eye. “No more spending the night in the tree fort, you two.
Danielle Lee Zwissler
These eggs are broken. Cracked.""Yes, ma'am. That happens sometimes.""Does it?""Yes, it's the unfortunate part of being an egg.
Peter Hedges
Yes, life is full of awkward moments! For example, that time you keep dazing off while staring at the same person you found yourself staring at five minutes ago. *gulp* So glad staring is still not illegal. Or, at least I'm glad for my own benefit.
Mary Kate
How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It’s like scientists aren’t even trying!
Tanya Masse
it’s funny how I’m encouraged to go to school so much, but I’ve learned more valuable things on google then from school.
James Jean-Pierre
Whatever you may say, genuine emotions are aroused by people. The first smile of a newborn, love confession, hang-loose chatting with friends, weekly meetings with dears, and a lot more other things initiated by two or several individuals trigger the feeling of happiness. There are more specific emotions native to females and males. Whereas the first ones are pleased at hearing sweet words. We live and work in the tradition of love and not hatred. As for us, it is the unconditional acceptance of all people, the scale of our love for them. Let's treat every person as a person in his uniqueness at eye level.Love is one of the strongest feelings one can ever have. It comes over you all of a sudden and totally absorbs before you manage to realize the fact. Emotions which arise with the feeling require some way of expression. Furtive glances, sweet words, touching, and romantic dates are a usual manifestation of affection. Still, there is a more inventive way to expose oneself – dedicating a special beautiful love quote to your beloved.
Auliq-Ice
Zane raised his brow. “Didn’t I say that yesterday?” he asked, forcinghimself to be patient. Somehow.“You say that like you think I listen to you,” Ty responded instantly, asmile pulling at his lips.
Abigail Roux
Eat your heart out. Oh, wait. You can’t. It’s not organic.
Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Before my mom decided she was a lesbian, I thought lesbians were all these really nice, earthy, crunchy, let's smother you with our twenty extra pounds of lady love and fight the power people.
Alison Umminger
Artemis grit her teeth. "I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood." "Sure Sis!" then he raised his hands in a "stop everything" gesture. "I feel a haiku comIng on." The Hunters all groaned. Apparently they'd met Apollo before. He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically. "Green grass breaks through snow.Artemis pleads for my help. I am so awesome.
Rick Riordan
Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross his eyes to see it properly. It was a large, ugly face. "Holy mother!" he yelped. The face backed away and came into focus. Staring down at him was a beard man in grimy blue coveralls. His face was lumpy and covered with welts, as if he'd been stung by a million bees, or dragged across gravel. Possibly both. "Humph." the man said. "Holy father, boy. I should think ou know the difference by now.
Rick Riordan
Oh, my dear! I’m afraid you’ve mistakenme for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you’re so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s.
Rick Riordan
The driver got out smiling. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and for a second, I had the uneasy feeling it was Luke, my old enemy. This guy had the same sandy hair and outdoorsy good looks. But it wasn't Luke. His smile was brighter and more playful. (Luke didn't do much more than scowl and sneer these days.) The Maserati driver wore jeans and loafers and a sleeveless T-shirt."Wow" Thalia muttered. Apollo Is hot.""He's the sun god," I said."That's not what I meant.
Rick Riordan
Yeah, you bet Romani.' Percy bared his forearm and showed them the brand he'd got at Camp Jupiter- the SPQR mark, with the trident of Neptune. 'You mix Greek and Roman, and you know what you get? You get BAM!' He stomped his foot, and the empousai scrambled back. One fell off the boulder where she'd been perched.
Rick Riordan
So, you invite a wild rabbit living in Italy to a party on the island of Crete. What’s it supposed to do, swim there? Its little tux would get wet.
Rick Riordan
Like your zodiac sign? Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.'No, stupid,' Leo said. I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.
Rick Riordan
Like your zodiac sign?' Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.''No, stupid,' Leo said. 'I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.
Rick Riordan
Python opened his eyes. "What do you want?""To sing you songs about my awesomeness!""Oh, please. Just kill me now.""Okay!" Apollo drew his bow and shot the snake between the eyes. Then he sang a song about his awesomeness.
Rick Riordan
Percy!’ Annabeth scolded. ‘You just opened another Monster Doughnut shop somewhere!
Rick Riordan
I ask again, and I want a better answer, WHAT are you!” He demanded.“I told you before, a human rises with the sun, but I rise with the moon. I am a mere immortal soul that feasts on your fears and flesh.”“Why won’t you answer my question correctly!
Miranda Leek
The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other "official spokesmen" for the team-owners who provide the free booze ... and: 2) A Roget's Thesaurus, in order to avoid using the same verbs and adjectives twice in the same paragraph.Even a sports editor, for instance, might notice something wrong with a lead that said: "The precision-jack-hammer attack of the Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the Washington Redskins today by stomping and hammering with one precise jack-thrust after another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint-precision passes into the flat and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends....
Hunter S. Thompson
She was convinced the country was about to succumb to revolutionary socialism. Her own circumstances encouraged this belief: just on the edge of the really rich country set, she shared their views and opinions but lacked the financial and architechtural insulation from real or imagined political troubles. She found crushed larger cans and cigarette packets in her front garden and interpreted these as menacing signals from the Perthshire proletariat. Every flicker and dim of electric light was a portent of class war.
James Robertson
I never knew anyone actually buy cakes when they were hot ...
Ruth Rendell
The whole universe is like some big FedEx box.
Haruki Murakami
I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee.
Brandon Sanderson
When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I cannot really trust it and I am not taking the risk of circulating my naked photos around.
M.F. Moonzajer
Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.
Fakeer Ishavardas
Hasn’t stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we’d be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I’d still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool.” -Janco
Maria V. Snyder
People who talk too much are tiresome, especially those who are not informative, thought-provoking, or funny.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Just another part of that Spartan killer instinct. I can slay the ladies just as well as I can reapers.
Jennifer Estep
A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship
Scott Westerfeld
I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?
Rick Riordan
My two greatest loves were, of course, Daphne and Hyacinthus, but when you're a god as popular as
Rick Riordan
If a problem is clearly stated, it has no further interest to the physicist.
Peter Debye
The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.
Carol Petrie
You’re nasty and you’re loud,you’re mean enough for two,If I could be a cloud,I’d rain all day on you.
Jack Prelutsky
Daddy,” said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, “you are a poo-poo head!”Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. “John,” he said, “no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head.
Christopher Andersen
Can I brush your hair?” she asked as she led the way, her disposition doing a 180 on a dime. Kids. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t eat ’em for lunch.
Darynda Jones
Little tape recorders, that's what kids are, Cat thought. If you want to find out what your husband is saying behind your back, play Barbie with your daughter.
Jan Strnad
I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.
Eoin Colfer
everything is negotiable. everything.
Kay M. Rutherford
Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.
Barbara Ehrenreich
Their faces were clay-coloured and featureless, yet not stupid; they might have been shrewd turnips.
Rebecca West
I was doing my little stand up shtick, the one I did for pretty girls, so they'd like me quickly and wouldn't try too hard to actually get to know me beyond my role as wisecracking Cameron, the orphan. Maybe it was a little like flirting, but also a kind of protection: Don't get too close; I'm just jokes with substance.
Emily M. Danforth
Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen
Olivia Cunning
The pimple is perfect.
Buffy Andrews
I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.
Buffy Andrews
I’ll pray for good semen. And I’ll get all of my friends to pray for good semen.
Buffy Andrews
You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.
Buffy Andrews
Why wasn't I already kissing this woman? Why wasn't I naked, eating violets, and playing music underneath the open sky?Looking around the room again, everything seemed terribly ridiculous. These people sitting on their benches wearing layers on layers of clothing, eating with knives and forks. It all struck me as so pointless and contrived. It was incredibly funny. It was like they were playing a game and didn't even realize it. It was like a joke I'd never understood before.
Patrick Rothfuss
I forgot for a second that he was my ancestral enemy, and felt bad for him; then i consoled myself that bird poop brings good luck
Rob Reger
I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.
Dark Jar Tin Zoo
I almost forgot to tell you - you have the right to remain silent, but if you do, my boys at the station will process your bones to help you confess.
Rohinton Mistry
By the power of the Tri-Force, I command you to "-------
Prashna Bari
Werewolves and silver bullets!” Shakespeare coughed a quick laugh and shook his head. “Lord, what fools these mortals be!
Michael Scott
We're clear," she said. "You're kind of a psycho. I get that
Rachel Caine
There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.
James Patterson
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
Josh Stern

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