Funny Quotes - Page 7

It's alright" said a dreamy voice from beside Harry as Ron vanished into the coach's dark interior. "You're not going mad or anything. I can see them too.""Can you?" said Harry desperately, turning to Luna. He could see the bat-winged horses reflected in her wide, silvery eyes."Oh yes," said Luna, "I've been able to see them since my first year here. They've always pulled the carriages. Don't worry. You're just as sane as I am."Smiling faintly, she climbed into the musty interior of the carriage after Ron. Not altogether reassured, Harry followed her.

Afore me! It is so very late,That we may call it early by and by.

William Shakespeare

This was so unfunny, Steve had to laugh.

I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit--Marshall’s always been an ass--but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb that needs sweeping. - Shella

Are you wearing space pants?" Miranda asked him."What?"How did it end? oh, right. "Because your butt is fine."He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. "I think-" he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, "I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world.""Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

I'm sitting in the bleachers, watching longingly as all the boys and umbumped girls in my Personal Health and Fitness class play Muggle Quidditch. I don't even like the game very much, I think it's silly, but I so miss physical activity that I'd be thrilled if I could run around the gymnasium with a broom between my legs, chasing after the human snitch wearing a gold pinny.

Megan McCafferty

Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.

Megan McCafferty

Leave your incidental Dick.

Vladimir Nabokov

She tried to smile sympathetically, but with her face it wasn't quite possible.

Anthony Horowitz

Don't get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had conveniently placed a Greyhound bus station just yards from the statehouse where Austria's finest was sworn in as governor of the great state of California.

J. Maarten Troost

Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway.'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully.'Huh?' said Lester.

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be."Foolhardy?" Kelsier asked with a laugh. "that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. "By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few years""We'll fix that" Kelsier promised.

Brandon Sanderson

Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella

Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles

To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.

Jennifer Ziegler

There is no real bravery in getting paid to save someone's life. However, there is a large amount of bravery in a nurse break dancing at the hospital's Christmas party.

Shannon L. Alder

And I wanted to put my fist through your pretty, pampered face." Galen"As I recall, you did. And then you kicked me in the ass and sent me sprawling, pampered face first, into a pile of horseshit." Styxx"And you said not a word about it to anyone. You got up, took your training sword, and faced me as if you landed in a bed of poppies. All the while, shit dripping down you."Galen

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Advice to explorers everywhere: if you would like to recieve due credit for your discoveries, keep a detailed account of your journeys as Columbus did. On Septemeber 28, 1492, after four weeks at sea, he writes: Dear diary...I means journal. Yes, dear journal. That's what I meant to say. Whew. Anyway, we have yet to discover America, and the crew has become increasingly rebellious. I have decided to turn back if we have not spotted it by Columbus Day. Will write again later if not killed by crew. P.S. Last night's buffet was fabulous, the ice sculptures magnificent.

Good dog! Nice fetch!""He wasn't fetching.""Bring her here, boy. Good job!"The dog looked from Zack to me."I've been training him," Zack said. "Up till now he's brought home only dead rabbits, but I guess he's finally getting the hang of it.

Elizabeth Chandler

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

Well," Mr. Cheeseman interjected. "Perhaps there's an easy solution to this. Maybe Captain Fabulous has an alter ego.""What's an alter ego?" asked Gerard."It's a superhero's true but secret identity," said Chip. "You know, the way that Superman is really Clark Kent." "Superman is really Clark Kent?""It's pretty obvious," said Penny. "To everyone but you and Lois Lane.""Okay," Gerard conceded. "Captain Fabulous's alter ego will be...Teddy Roosevelt.

You’re starting to look like you did before, and that’s not good because what you looked like was complete shit, so get up and go to bed so I can stop acting like your mother. I can already feel my balls starting to recede. And hey, does it look like I’m growing breasts? - Kye

HAMLET I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)

William Shakespeare

When we met, you couldn't stop staring at my breasts."His face went pale, as if he seriously thought he was so subtle no one would notice. "Make sure you get an equally satisfactory look a my backside as you leave.

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!

Ellen DeGeneres

The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. "I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick.

Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.

He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.

I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.

There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.

Actually, I came because I have a last-minute invitation. My friend Erika Gill is having a big party tomorrow night, one of those all-out birthday bashes that girls like. Want to go?"----------------------------------------"No. Sorry.""Since it's a catered thing, at a restaurant, I'll pick you up at- what did you say?""I'm sorry. I can't do it."----------------------------------------"You're busy?""I just can't do it," I said.

Elizabeth Chandler

don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male

Keisha Keenleyside

It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.

The Rusty Ruins were the remains of an old city, a hulking reminder of back when there'd been way too many people, and everyone was incredibly stupid. And ugly.

Scott Westerfeld

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling...awkward when it comes to you.""'Awkward' is the word du jour," I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?""Not quite nervous," he said. "Just unsettled."I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better.

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood--""That's very comforting, thank you.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets

Radical Edwards's profile? He's a seven-foot tall ex-basketball pro hindu guru drag-queen alien.-Jet Black, from the Cowboy Bebop anime script

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Bauvard

It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Jackson asked, "Where'd the water come from in your house?""A pipe." Then he explained to Jackson, "Water travels in pipes.

[The American President] has to take all sorts of abuse from liars and demagogues.… The people can never understand why the President does not use his supposedly great power to make ’em behave. Well, all the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway.

Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt.Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt’s collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I’dmet them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on topof it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted.“Hindenburg,” I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. “Walt, why in the world—?”“Sorry!” he yelled. “Wrong amulet!”The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn’t much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawedat the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas.I moved to Walt’s side and tried to get my bearings.

Henry narrowed his eyes at me. "You going somewhere?""Lacrosse field trip," I said. "I enjoy whacking the hell out of people with mallets.

Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.

Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerablyless flat than the floor."Owww!" he yelled.Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it."If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

Christy Leigh Stewart

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.

Sorry, Bex," Jason said "You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here...well, just look at her." "Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight," I pointed out. "Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface.

Meg Cabot

I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!

I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.'He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.''What kind of dogs?' I asked.He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.''Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.''Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.'I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to.

Laurell K. Hamilton

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock.

Well, remember, active Grims can't have children. Fertility is adversley affected by the proximity to the ether, to Elixir, and all sorts of other components-- plus, the Grimsphere is no place to raise a family, even if woman conceive here."Lex snuck a glance at Driggs, but Uncle Mort caught her."That doesn't mean you get a free pass to ride the baloney pony when ever you want to. Got it?

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