Funny Quotes - Page 30

Realism is criminal.

I'm like a circus standing on two legs.

I'm a Baroque person. More than Baroque, I'm a Rococo person. I don't draw straight lines.

For me, every week is a fashion week.

My childhood was a drag show!

France, stop throwing awards at me! I have so many already, give them to people who need them.

Most of the other visitors were chained to their audio guides, looking only at what their little headsets told them was worth seeing.

Dara Horn

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are asleep, who can subject you to total surveillance around the clock every waking and sleeping minute of your life, before you're born and, even worse and where the real fun begins, after you're dead. A celestial North Korea. Who wants this to be true? Who but a slave desires such a ghastly fate? I've been to North Korea. It has a dead man as its president, Kim Jong-Il is only head of the party and head of the army. He's not head of the state. That office belongs to his deceased father, Kim Il-Sung. It's a necrocracy, a thanatocracy. It's one short of a trinity I might add. The son is the reincarnation of the father. It is the most revolting and utter and absolute and heartless tyranny the human species has ever evolved. But at least you can fucking die and leave North Korea!

Christopher Hitchens

Growing up I sometimes imagined that for Christ's return perhaps He would appear as 'Black Jesus' to white people and 'White Jesus' to black people just to screw with the racists.

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.

Friedrich Nietzsche

She's beauty and she's the beast, rolled into one.

We like to romanticize the wild, raw, majestic beauty of nature. But when you take a closer look, nature is really just a giant fuckfest. That beautiful bird chirping? It's a mating call. That pretty little bird is trying to get laid. And why does the peacock have such beautiful feathers? To attract females. Because he's trying to get laid.

You might not get the apology you deserve. You might not get answers to explain the actions of others. You might not get truth that makes sense to you. You might not get people to understand what you went through because of them. You might not get communication. You might not get maturity. You might not get mercy or even common decency. You might not get respect or the chance to explain your side of the story. However, you do get to choose how people treat you. God loves you enough to bring people into your life who won't hurt you, abuse you, betray you, lie and gossip about you, psycho analyse you, break your heart or make you an option or choice. He will bring people into your life that will love you, respect you, fight for you, show gratitude for your love and want to be a part of your life mission. The best part of this is you don't have to convince them of your worth. They want to be there. They know your value. They know your struggles. They are in touch with their own faults and understand you struggle just like everyone else. They won't hold you to a greater standard then they do themselves. They care about you and don't want to see you cry, feel discouraged or give up on this life. When you know the power of who you are and what you have to accomplish you will scratch your head in disbelief that you allowed other people to dictate who you are based on little knowledge of what God knows about you and your life purpose. Letting go isn't about accepting defeat or acknowledging you were wrong. Sometimes letting go is realizing that God has something better in store for you.

Shannon L. Alder

There is this common notion that young conservatives are the few, that most people had liberal worldviews when they were young. If this is true, then it is with great irony that a number of old liberals must never had progressed into conservatives as they grew older.

Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

He closes the door with a determined click, and I hear him call to a flight attendant, and I sink down onto the toilet seat, resting my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands as I listen to him through the

Christina Lauren

When guys try to get a good job and make a lot of money, it's so that they can find a good mate, because they know women like guys with money. Big tits are to men, what big wallets are to women. A sexy woman can have almost any man she wants. And a rich guy can have almost any woman he wants.

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

Women are like shower faucets, you must treat them carefully, because if you do not, it will either burn your balls or freeze your ass.

Walking through life, we spend most of our energy choosing the right shoes.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Men weigh love with hands.

Ljupka Cvetanova

He is not an ideal husband. I am his wife.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Halt glared at his friend as the whistling continued.'I had hoped that your new sense of responsibly would put an end to that painful shrieking noise you make between your lips' he said.Crowley smiled. It was a beautiful day and he was feeling at peace with the world. And that meant he was more than ready to tease Halt 'It's a jaunty song''What's jaunty about it?' Halt asked, grim faced. Crowley made an uncertain gesture as he sought for an answer to that question.'I suppose it's the subject matter' he said eventually. 'It's a very cheerful song. Would you like me to sing it for you?''N-' Halt began but he was too late, as Crowley began to sing. He had a pleasant tenor voice, in fact, and his rendering of the song was quite good. But to Halt it was as attractive as a rusty barn door squeaking.'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady-o''Whoa! Whoa!' Halt said 'He met a lovely lady-o?' Halt repeated sarcastically 'What in the name of all that's holy is a lady-o?''It's a lady' Crowley told him patiently.'Then why not sing 'he met a lovely lady'?' Halt wanted to know.Crowley frowned as if the answer was blatantly obvious."Because he's from Palladio, as the song says. It's a city on the continent, in the southern part of Toscana.''And people there have lady-o's, instead of ladies?' Asked Halt'No. They have ladies, like everyone else. But 'lady' doesn't rhyme with Palladio, does it? I could hardly sing, 'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met his lovely lady', could I?''It would make more sense if you did' Halt insisted 'But it wouldn't rhyme' Crowley told him.'Would that be so bad?''Yes! A song has to rhyme or it isn't a proper song. It has to be lady-o. It's called poetic license.''It's poetic license to make up a word that doesn't exist and which, by the way, sound extremely silly?' Halt asked.Crowley shook his head 'No. It's poetic license to make sure that the two lines rhyme with each other'Halt thought for a few seconds, his eyes knitted close together. Then inspiration struck him.'Well then couldn't you sing 'A blacksmith from Palladio, he met a lovely lady, so...'?''So what?' Crowley challengedHalt made and uncertain gesture with his hands as he sought more inspiration. Then he replied. 'He met a lovely lady, so...he asked her for her hand and gave her a leg of lamb.''A leg of lamb? Why would she want a leg of lamb?' Crowley demanded Halt shrugged 'Maybe she was hungry

His rapier was at his belt, glittering as he swung. He reached down, ripped the sword clear. I jumped over a slashing frond of plasm, spun round with the water bottle in my hand. I hurled it across to Lockwood. George threw his rapier to me.Watch this now. Sword and bottle, sailing through the air, twin trajectories, arching beautifully through the mass of swirling tendrils towards Lockwood and me. Lockwood held out his hand. I held out mine.Remember I said there was that moment of sweet precision when we gelled perfectly as a team?Yeah, well. This wasn't it.The rapier shot past, missing me by miles. It skidded halfway across the floor. The bottle struck Lockwood plumb in the centre of his forehead, knocking him through the window.There was a moment's pause.'Is he dead?' the skulls voice said 'Yay! Oh. No, he's hanging onto the shutters. Shame. Still, this is defiantly the funniest thing I've ever seen. You three really are incompetence on a stick

Jonathan Stroud

The real purpose of the opposition is to minimize the amount of money the ruling party will have stolen from the people at the end of its term.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A deep breath is a technique with which we minimize the number of instances where we say what we do not mean … or what we really think.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out.

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Stolen oranges also have Vitamin C. Likewise, a stolen salmon, too, has omega-3 fatty acids.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Lipstick?" He arched a brow."I'm on the hunt for my perfect shade," I respond, de

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

If typos are God's way of keeping a writer humble, plot holes certainly keeps one on their knees.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice!

priyavrat gupta

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks.

Let me put it more artistically, with greater sophistication:They left us in the toilet. In the deepest pile of shit. And we're coated in the crappy residue of their desicions. But that does not mean we are the one who pooped, Moritz. And neither are we the poop.Never think that. We're not the poop.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

Ana Claudia Antunes

Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover."Are we going to read to each other?""Just flip it open to the back."Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?""Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face.""My face has character. Besides - oh!""An excellent read, isn't it?""Who knew I had a taste for literature?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Many a woman would not be in a relationship with or married to her man, if he earned half of what he earns; and many a man would not be in a relationship with or married to his woman, if he earned twice as much as he earns.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you redden your cheeks and blacken your eyes?Why do you remove the hair on your legsand draw them into your brows?Why do you hold your breathlest your stomach showand hold your fartlest they knowthat you’re a human? O woman, father says natural is beautifulso why do you straighten your hairto curl it nextand pretend to orgasm so they think you enjoyed the sex?Why do you dumb yourself downand push your breasts up?Why do you smile when you’re told toand love when you don’t want to?When? When will you stop, woman? Father says natural is beautifulbut that is doubtfulfor what does father knowhe’s only a fellow.

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

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