Funny Quotes - Page 28

The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with.

Jack, be nimble, Jack, be quickJill's a little whore and her alibis are dirty tricks

Jesus was a bachelor and never lived with a woman. Surely living with a woman is one of the most difficult things a man has to do, and he never did it.

James Joyce

Welhewan is charming us,' Sasha says in an unsure voice. 'It is trying to soothe us with its lullaby. Do not let yourself . . . Oh, a butterfly. Look how beautiful it is! No, don't look. The forest is making us happy, and we cannot let it.

Sarah Dalton

Phones are only good for ordering pizza and telling someone you're running late

Amy Reed

It's not over till the fat lady eats!

Ljupka Cvetanova

Some people stride toward a better future. Others have chauffeurs.

Ljupka Cvetanova

Unless you're in an early seventies-era Eagles cover band, a founding member of a religious cult, or sleeping under a bridge in Seattle, lose the beard and get a haircut. Power doesn't have time for any form of hirsute hipster self expression.

Ari Gold

What the famous big blue Boy Scout told to a green Kryptonite? What?? YOU rock!

Ana Claudia Antunes

Seeing his daughter slowly die, coupled with his infinite sadness and misery, the clockmaker becomes a recluse to the tower of the castle and begins to build something behind closed doors, not even his daughter knows what he’s up to. For five years, she only sees him briefly at meal-times before locking himself up in the tower once again...""...Did he have a bathroom in the tower?""Yes, Jack. A big one! En-suite! Power-shower and spa! Where was I!?

Jonathan Dunne

It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing

Josh Stern

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down

Josh Stern

The mind likes a strange idea as little as the body likes a strange protein and resists it with similar energy. It would not perhaps be too fanciful to say that a new idea is the most quickly acting antigen known to science. If we watch ourselves honestly we shall often find that we have begun to argue against a new idea even before it has been completely stated.

Wilfred Trotter

Philosophers, Poets and Fools have similar Consciousness

Amit Gupta

To claim that one can never live a positive life with a negative mind is a very negative claim to make!

Criss Jami

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

Criss Jami

I think therefore I am not sure.

Ljupka Cvetanova

A question that always makes me hazy is it me or are the others crazy'Albert Einstein

Victoria Ward

Marathon tidying produces a heap of garbage. At this stage, the one disaster that can wreak more havoc than an earthquake is the entrance of that recycling expert who goes by the alias of "mother.

Marie Kondō

(When asked “Was the model for Midori (a character in Norwegian Wood) modeled after your wife?”)I showed your message to my wife. She got mad and yelled: “What would make them think I was the model for Midori?!” She told me to fix the misunderstanding immediately, so that’s why I’m writing this reply now. Please stop causing problems in my household. Thank you.

Haruki Murakami

A family is a group of people who keep confusing you with someone you were as a kid.

Robert Brault

Scientist say that music can change the speed of a heartbeat. They failed to add: so can a text message.

Holly Smale

Because that's the truth about people with obsessively organised plans: we're not trying to control everything in our lives. We're trying to block everything we can't.

Holly Smale

Far be it from me to slow down two badass supermodels on a mission, but we have a problem," a male voice said wryly.I could see Christian out of the corner of my eye as we turned, his stance and movements almost synchronized to my own. We shared a look, our expressions almost identically similar, with arched brows and half-smiles."What's the problem?" I called out, scanning the faces to see who had spoken."You're a badass supermodel," Christian muttered under his breath at the same time, taking the mature approach, as usual.

Rebecca K. Lilley

The greater the pain, the greater the fun.

Leinad Eibam

Are you kidding me? The last time I saw a face like yours, I fed it a banana.

TheFlamingPopsicle

You are only Half Happy unless you love them both equally: Friday & Monday!

Mohith Agadi

Staying relaxed was helping him cope with the drug induced juddering vision that could be best described as being like a Hitchcockian visual effect operated by a hyperactive squirrel that shook the whole universe closer and farther away. If you went with it, it was quite pleasant, as long as you didn't introduce any lateral movement like turning your head or the car. This caused the universe to try and slide away from underneath you. The other side effect was the constant feeling you ought to try to twist your head off, in a good way.

Dylan Perry

On the corner of Cathedral Road a raven sat in a tree watching him. He knew it was Dorkus for two reasons. Firstly, he'd told Dorkus to stay there to keep an eye on Michael. Secondly, he was wearing a top hat, carrying a cane, and if Corvid's eyes were right, he now had spats over his feet."Cacaw," Dorkus said."Really?" Corvid replied, "we're back to cawing?""I thought it would be less suspicious in public.""You do know you just said that carrying a cane and wearing a top hat and a pair of spats?

Dylan Perry

These werewolves and the gwrgi are not like the American breed of werewolf. They are not part timers. They do not spend the one, full moon, night in every twenty eight as a wolf or wolf-man beast. They do not spend twenty eight days and twenty seven nights wandering round high school hallways and shopping malls filled with teenage angst about falling in love with the 'one'. They do not go to cool parties where everyone is half naked and waxed.When werewolves change that's it, seven years as a wolf. Gwrgi are stuck the way they are permanently and aren't so much a wolf with a large dollop of teenage heart throb mixed in, but more a wolf with a little too much stinky tramp mixed in.One folk legend is true. You can kill both werewolves and gwrgi by either shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet or by chopping their head off. But then, pretty much any animal can be killed by shooting them through the heart with a silver bullet or by chopping their head off. And if you're on a budget, the bullet probably doesn't even need to be silver.

Dylan Perry

Curious about these new entities, the elementals asked why the gods were in the shape they were."We are bipedal," Erebus said. "We wish to be distinguished from the animals.""What are animals?" an elemental asked."We're not sure yet, but they will have more than two legs. Unless we give them less than two... or maybe not. Anyway, it's just a concept we're playing with at the moment.

Dylan Perry

Ready?" Aeron called over.Michael span to see him giving a thumbs up to the booth. His eye was drawn down to the huge war hammer hanging from his other hand."How about we start with a chase? Try to touch the far wall and get back here before I cripple you." He smiled as if he'd said 'tag you', not 'cripple you'.

Dylan Perry

Corvid looked up at her. "Oh, hello Doris.""Gertie, dear," she said. "They call me Gertie.""You used to be Doris," Corvid said as a matter of fact."Who?" She seemed unsure of what she was being told."Doris, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys?" Corvid carried on when he saw her blank expression. "You must remember Nereus? Your husband?"Nothing."You gave birth to fifty sea nymphs. I guess sea nymphs come out slippy and hydrodynamic, but even so, fifty of them? That must stick in the memory as the day before you felt really sore for a month or so?"Doris thought about it for a moment. "It does ring a bell. Sorry, who are you?

Dylan Perry

I've done this sort of thing before. Not prophecies so much, but you'd be surprised how many people want to realign their ancestral lines to seem nobler, or rewrite their family history to remove more morally questionable episodes." He paused to recall a recent rewrite. "One lord wanted the murderers removed from his family line. His family was so corrupt, he ended up with three virgin births, two generations removed entirely and a lady who gave birth at the age of two. Still, no one questions it as there is evidence in the archives." Bubo smugly tapped a book. "There is one thing though, faking a prophecy in the past is easy, you already know the result. How will you make this come true in the future?""I have someone in mind for it, but I'm not sure he'll go for it. But then prophecy is all optional anyway." Corvid looked up as if a thought had occurred to him. "I'd best go check on my man, I've not met him yet.

Dylan Perry

I hate goblins.

Seth Tucker

His eyes go wide while a gasp of wonder passes his lips. He turns his body fully toward us. His lips moving like a fish out of water, gasping for breath. He gives his head a shake and stutters out, “Mer—mermaids. There are fish with women’s bodies or—women with fish bodies sitting upon the rocks. I—I never knew...

A.R. Von

So these are the fresh meat, eh?” Zuko smirked. I cringed when he said fresh meat. How demeaning. “Well, I don’t know how well all of you can fight. So I’ll find out the quickest and simplest way.” He raised a scarred arm and pointed it at all of us, “ATTACK THE FRESH MEAT!

L. Benitez

Rachel opened her mouth to respond, but the head cut her off.

Brandon Mull

Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so. Dear DiaryWent out shopping today. Picked up half a dozen sheep, two pigs, and a princess. The sheep are rather depressingly thin, the pigs and princess only slightly less so.

Tad Williams

The Decision...I wiped my hands on my pinaforenow sullied and stainednot crisp or pressedas it had been before...

Muse

I am ewe to your ram. How can I call myself a man anymore?""The penis is a dead giveaway.

Jill Knowles

- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?"There was another pause. Then the spokesman said, in the quiet tones of someone who has had enough and who is going to quit after this and raise chickens somewhere, "Yes, I suppose we must. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it's running and without anyone noticing. It weighs about a thousand tons and is forty feet high. So they'll be quite strong terrorists. Perhaps you'd like to ring them up, sir, and ask them questions in that supercilious, accusatory way of yours."-- The BBC interviews a nuclear spokesperson (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens)

Terry Pratchett

Most of the time romance isn't even about love, anyway. It's about escape. Fantasy. Salvation from the mundane. Save me from boredom, from exhaustion, from my undersexed body, from microwave dinners and reality TV, from going to bed alone with a vibrator or a cat. Save me from my desperately ordinary life.

Leah Raeder

Err on the side of awesome.

Brandon Sanderson

What’s not to love? I made friends with a pretty girl and now we get to plan a castle break in. This beats the day to day kill, eat and survive.

Emilyann Girdner

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

Leah Broadby

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

Leah Broadby

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

Leah Broadby

In the void, there is no distinction of east and west."Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean.

Jim Butcher

The combined odors of Cass's subtle aftershave and the disgusting reek of Nic are overpowering. I wonder if Cass will keel over and I'll have to perform CPR. This speculation should not feel so much like a fantasy.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

My own brother calling me a brickhead. Sneering faeries insulting me. Women punching me in the face. How much more am I to swallow in one bloody day?

Nora Roberts

Chiron looked surprised. “I thought that would be obvious enough. The entrance to the Underworld is in Los Angeles.

Rick Riordan

What did you do?" Kate asked."Nothing. We're inside the wards." Simon laughed and drank the elixir.She looked around with surprise. "How can you tell? At night? In the snow?""That tree." He indicated an ash tree standing amidst other ash trees."It looks like a thousand other trees.""No, it looks like you." Simon took a shallow, pained breath, but smiled. "It's my marker."Both Kate and Malcolm stared at the tree. Kate cocked her hip. "It looks like me? A tree? That's flattering.""Yes. See how the curves--" Simon worked his hands in an hourglass shape. "It looks like you.

Clay Griffith

Charlotte." Kate attempted to distract the child from her endless questions and held up the glass tube. "This is wulfsyl. I can't be sure it's correct."The girl looked at Kate with excitement, then asked hopefully, "Will it stop me from eating someone?"Kate looked uncomfortable. "We believe that if you take it now, you will n ever have to eat someone.""But what if I do?""Eat Malcolm," Simon suggested.

Clay Griffith

Kate grasped her small handbag and pulled a small blue vial and threw it into the grinding mass. It shattered harmlessly, causing two creatures to pause with a look of confusion."What is that potion?" Simon asked.Kate stared as the two undead things began to shuffle forward again. She glanced into her purse. "Damn it! That was my perfume.

Clay Griffith

Do you mean that Zane is some kind of bird magnet?

C.J. Milbrandt

Are you educated in the art of medicine?” Yeah, the art of Walgreens and Urgent Care. “A bit,” I hedged.

Lisa Tawn Bergren

Normally, she would never wish a head injury on anyone, but it might make her days in Archival Studies a bit easier.

Jaleigh Johnson

It would seem very silly to start a conversation with a common hedgehog. They are not at all like cats, who surely understand the human language.

Erin Forbes

Someday my prince will come,” she lamented softly, “too fast.

Melinda DuChamp

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Funny Quotes - Page 28

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