Funny Quotes - Page 27

If you are reading this then you have wasted another day of your life day dreaming, rather than planning the life God intended you to live.

Shannon L. Alder

Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh.

Rebecca McNutt

In Paris, choosing a dress is a monumental decision. In Milan, it’s a kick.

Chris Dee

After each of his books, the writer, for a while, feels once again that he can now die happy.

Criss Jami

Ah bet she’s a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y’see that "butter wouldnae melt" expression she’s goat goin on? That’s jist a smokescreen – ah guarantee she goes like a train.’ Jimmy belched, considerately turning his head away to exhale.

Jamie Holoran

I glance down his body. He's still wearing his shorts and his shirt, and I still have my T-shirt on. Jeez-- talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am.

E.L. James

Elise hid her face in his shoulder, embarassed, "Kane! What will they think?" She whispered against his neck."That we're newly bonded and I can't keep my hands off of my lovely mate." And sure enough, the good natured calls that accompanied them across the yard left her in no doubt that the others were thinking exactly that.

Nicky Charles

I'll drink your champagne. I'll drink every drop of it, I don't care if it kills me.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you know how for the rest of my life.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Ben hid a wince behind his hand, trying very hard not to think of seventy-year-old Ellie Verstgard rolling around with Mr. Wenner. Despite his best resistance, the image scrolled across his brain and took some of his love for the world with it.

Victoria Dahl

When I was done raking and bagging, I banged on the door and demanded entry /...let me in by the hair on your chinny, chin-chin/ (a fairytale moment there) Dick opened it and in his posthest voice, said that before he could possibly consider letting me re-cross the threshold he needed to ask me whether I was a good f*cking fairy or a bad f*cking fairy? Grinning, I told him that I was very wicked fairy and if he had a wand about his person that I could have lend of, I would prove it. He said that was the right answer and promptly yanked me inside where he located and presented me with his wand, breathily ordering the sorcerer's apprentice to perform magic with it. Judging by the look on his face afterwards, I knew I'd impressed him with my oral sorcery and I was more than happy with the short-lifting sorcery Shane performed on me as the same time.

Gillibran Brown

Has something happened to upset you today?”“Yeah, I had an argument with a vacuum cleaner hose, it wanted me to it a blowjob, but I refused so it took offence. It claimed I blew everyone else's attachment and it wasn't fair.

Gillibran Brown

Something in me didnt believe that. I read it again, trying to make sense of the old-fashioned language. Mason watched me curiously, looking like he very much wanted to help."Maybe they were hooking up," he sugg

Richelle Mead

You know, sex at seventy-six is getting very dangerous for my health ... since I live at seventy-nine!

Kensington Gore

He kept one eye on Matt as he talked. He could tell Matt was close to orgasm by the way he title his head to the side and bit his lower lip. "And what about your partner, Mr. Tucker?" Troy asked. Chris raised his eyebrows in surprise and Mr. Waters gave him a greasy, unpleasant smile. "Does your partner cook?"Chris grinned as Matt came all over the red leather seat. "Actually, he makes a delicious white sauce.

Ally Blue

Well, I've seen porn!" Evan defends and Dan just looks at him. "Okay, captain Pornie, walk me through it," Dan challenges. "I'll be the pizza guy, and Jeff can be the plumber. You can be... hey, why don't you be the high-powered young executive?" Evan grins at him with a glint in his eye. "Okay, fine." He laces his fingers together and flexes them in front of him as if he's warming up. He sits back in chair and his eyes focus on the eaves of Jeff's roof then begins. "The young executive come home after a hard day...[five pages of detailed porn]"...and all fall asleep together on the executives huge bed. The End." Evan is pretty clearly proud of himself, and Dan really blame him. After an appreciative silence, Dan says, "Okay, yeah, so maybe there's some merit to the whole threesome thing.

Kate Sherwood

He swallowed, and his voice was a bit rough, but he was "You know, I think moving is key to this whole fucking thing.""This does t feel good?" Gavin kissed under Jamie's ear while rubbing circles around his nipples with a hard palm. "What is this, Fucking For Slackers?

K.A. Mitchell

..., and sometimes there's just no point in arguing with him. "Yeah, okay 'me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree...'"Chris claps his hands triumphantly. "That's right, baby!" Than a more serious expression comes across his face. "But, in a tree? Really? I mean, im a not an expert on the gay sex thing, but I think the first time at least you should be on the ground..." And then the evening continues on as expected.

Kate Sherwood

Evan nuzzled his chin into the crook of Dan's neck, finding the spot that always made Dan squirm and laugh. "I love you, Danny.""You gets so fucking sappy after I let you top," Dan responded, but he didn't move away. "We should stick a spigot in you, drain it out, and boil up some maple syrup." "You stick your spigot in me, I wouldn't be the one topping anymore.""Nice. You freak." "You're the one who wanted to make maple syrup out of my sappiness," Evan protested...

Kate Sherwood

I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him yourself.”She sat up enough to look him in the eye. “I am not talking toyour…your…”“Mighty throbbing manhood?”“Briec.”“That which brings you much delirious pleasure?”“Briec.”“That which makes you whole?”“Stop it, dragon. You’re making me physically ill.” ...“Ow!”“Be nice, woman. I’m not used to this.”She rubbed her ass and glared at him. “Do that again and you’lllose that which you believe makes me whole.

G.A. Aiken

Military Wives—Sacrificing Months of Sex for the Country.

Aditi Mathur Kumar

Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you'll go blind.

Seanan McGuire

I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

A man's love for a woman is not defined by his availability in bed, but by every ingredient he adds to improve the taste of the relationship.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Seriously, it's like watching mild porn, watching you two eye fuck each other every two seconds.

Jessica Sorensen

A man grows weary of having no lovers but his fingers.

George R.R. Martin

I had a dream about you last night. I was writing a ‘Sex for dummies-Christians That Secretly What to be Porn Stars- 1st edition.’ And you helped me with the illustrations.

Crystal Woods

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope.

Nenia Campbell

It gets worse. Josh tell her that he loves her. She says it back. He touches her. She touches him back. And then they're losing their virginity on the floor of her bedroom beside her pet rabbit, Isis. A rabbit.Josh literally lost his virginity in front of a metaphor for sex.

Stephanie Perkins

My only relationship policy is, don’t bring your dirty laundry to work, no sex on company furniture and don’t let it affect your work.

Paula Graves

Nice guys finish last but that's what makes them good in bed.

Nicholas M. Bugden

Sex before love is like a bandage before a wound.

M.F. Moonzajer

Congress should make it so that all sex scenes in all films should be provided with a screaming baby sound track. That should help take away all the fun and may show a major decrease in unwanted pregnancies without having to provide birth control to anyone.

Heather Chapple

There’s a saying, isn’t there, that when you’ve had a near death experience, all you want to do is have sex?

Kirsty Greenwood

I got it! I got it!” Heeb declared triumphantly. Evan stopped in the middle of his kitchenette to hear Heeb’s idea. “Sex in the Title.”“Yeah, that’s what you’ve been saying I need.”“No, that’s the title: ‘Sex in the Title.’”“You want me to call my novel ‘Sex in the Title?’”“Yeah. Isn’t it great?

Zack Love

Fuck, Christina.”“Yes, fuck Christina. I think she'd like that.

Nenia Campbell

You can't make a woman love you. Not even with duct tape.

J. Richard Singleton

What bug crawled up your ass?" I demanded."If you mean, why I am upset? I should think that would be obvious!"It took me a second, but I got it. "Oh, come on. You're not still pissed about–you did the same damn thing to me!"He had the utter gall to look offended. "I did nothing of the sort–"I stared at him. "And just how do you figure that? You stripped me butt naked, diddled me over a desk and stole my duffel bag. And my clothes!"Somebody made a choking sound. I glanced up to find the door to the study open, and the old vamp looking scandalized. "Diddled?" Anthony asked, apparently delighted. Mircea closed his eyes.

Karen Chance

We have to stop anyway. I don't want you to regret this later. And I don't want your head to explode.""Really? You're so good that my head would explode?"It took him a moment. His expression changed from intense to speculative. "It's a possibility. I'm not a doctor, but Doolittle says it could happen.""That's a lot of expectation to live up to.""I exceed expectations."So modest, too.

Ilona Andrews

I do not understand this man," [Tempi] said. "Is he attempting to buy sex with me? Or does he wish to fight?

Patrick Rothfuss

I'm not sure who faked their orgasm first, but thankfully it was over rather quickly.

Donald Jans

Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of "I think I'm a loser," try "I definitely am a loser." Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?

Ellen DeGeneres

Life is like butter - when things cool down it can be reshaped

Alan Sheinwald

It was all fine until the girls started drinking. (Everything is always fine up until that point.)

John duover

We were not actually famous, I have to add. People were just drunk.

John duover

The moment was surreal. A sometimes-autistic young man with two identities lecturing a room full of zombies on feelings and realities.

Jonathan Friesen

Its funny when people recently change their attitude to gain entrance into your heart, which may only ignite your passion to close the door.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Josh Stern

I was never afraid of anything in the world except the dentist.

Taylor Caldwell

Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired.

John Green

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?

K.A. Mitchell

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.''Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses.

Mindee Arnett

You know that passage in the Bible that says, “And the meek shall inherit the Earth”? Always wondered if that was mistranslated. Perhaps it actually says, “And the geek shall inherit the Earth.

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Who would have ever thought going to a library would be so scary?

Brandy Nacole

Pause while reading a book only in case of two things:1. To kiss2. To sip coffeeToo bad both are a luxury.

Saleem Sharma

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote,you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Jakub Marian

Never give up hope! If you do, you be dead already.

Rose in The Inspired Caregiver

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.

Dr. Seuss

Part of my soul goes into each quote I write. A book of my quotes can be yours for just $19.99.

Ryan Lilly

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

Ryan Lilly

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Funny Quotes - Page 27

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