Funny Quotes - Page 25

Hard-ons don't make you think less. They make you think stupid.

So...Now that we got that over with, let's get back to love at first sight, Evan said. Not infatuation at first sight...Love. With a capital L, he clarified.Love? Heeb asked, playfully pretending not to know the concept.Yeah. The real thing. The conviction that if you had this one woman, all other women would become irrelevant. You'd never again be unhappy And you'd give up anything to have her and keep her.You've experienced that?Only once. And I haven't stopped thinking about it ever since.Tell me more.Sometimes I think that I still chase women just to forget about her. Because I know I can never have her. But I can't seem to forget about her, no matter what girl I'm chasing...No one can possibly compare....Who is she?Delilah, Evan said wistfully.Delilah?, asked Heeb, intriguedDelilah Nakova, Evan replied, with a hint of awe and reverence in his voice.

Zack Love

I had a dream that boys would act like men for once…then I woke up.

At twenty years old, Michael had vague plans to make changes in his life, but turning blue whilst stood in a walk-in bath in an old people's home wasn't one of them. Usually boys of his age might consider changes along the lines of smoking less grass at home, at college or at work, to be a good idea. Or maybe spending less time on that solitary pursuit common to men of his age across the globe. Enjoyable though he found it, he was going to cut back on the procrastination, but that was going to have to wait.

What’s a TH?”“A Traffic Hazard,” Heeb clarified.“Oh you mean because the woman is so hot she’ll take your eyes off the road?” Narc confirmed.“Exactly.

Zack Love

What’s SQ?” asked Evan.“Sexual Quotient.”“What’s that?”“Basically, it’s your odds of getting laid. Everyone has an SQ. just like everyone has an IQ.”“I’ve never heard that term before.”“That’s because I made it up.”“That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

Zack Love

Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?”She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her face.“What’s it like?”“Hard,” she replied.

Zack Love

But despite these and many other differences, Evan and Heeb had become close friends – an improbability that could have been produced only by the even greater improbabilities that brought them together.

Zack Love

There's no way that you're real,” she murmured to his crotch.

Men were weird. Especially men made of tempered steel and fire and perpetual darkness. Or men with penises. Either way

Well,” Lynx said once the man was dead. “That was…uneventful.”“You’re as fickle as an old woman,” Zeus told Lynx. “One minute too much carnage, the next not enough.

Oh, you dear good father!" cried Mary, putting her hands round her father´s neck, while he bent his head placidly, willing to be caressed. "I wonder if any other girl thinks her father the best man in the world.""Nonsense, child; you´ll think your husband better.""Impossible," said Mary, relapsing into her usual tone, "husbands are an inferior class of men, who require keeping in order.

Alas! Charles made the promise glibly, and forgot all about it.

Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?

E.A. Bucchianeri

It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know.

Meg Cabot

Don’t be too nice to him,” I teased. “He’ll never leave.

Juliet Blackwell

My mother raised her eyebrow, and murmured, “And to think I was always worried that you didn’t have any friends. I suppose I should have been counting my blessings.

Patricia Briggs

Go to the cops then!” I shout. “But mind if I ask what you plan on telling them? Because saying two dead teenagers came to you in the middle of the night and told you something or someone is going to kill you is only going to get you locked in a cozy, padded cell.”“Well, it has to be better than spending another second with you.”“Make sure they put that on your headstone, will you? Right below ‘Here lies Benedict Bartholomew Ford. He had no friends and a really stupid name’.

You’ve kidnapped my friend. Sucked her brain out! Not that she had much to begin with, but—”“Bite me.” The laughter didn’t hurt, now. I didn’t even feel weird saying it. Bite me.Pretty funny, for a part-vampire.“Ha. You wish. Lesbo vamp girl.”“Lesbo?”“You love me.”“We’d never work, Nat. You’re too high maintenance.”We both cracked up, and right then, the darkness was kind.

Sylph and Jodi return to my side, each carrying a cloth sack full of chickweed. I wrap my arm around Sylph's waist and give her a quick squeeze. "Lesson's over for today. I have something to discuss with Logan.""Sounds serious." Jodi wiggles her brows at me."I think that's just Rachel for 'I need to go kiss my boy.'" Sylph laughs when I glare at her.

The three of you were pretty cute last night, with all that touchy-feely crap.""Yeah, that lasted for about two minutes before you dragged Evan back over to the bar.""Dude, we were hunting Turkey. [drinking bourbon] it was important." Chris grins. "That boy can drink, I'll give him that." "That's big of you. From the way you were hanging off each other by the end of the night, I was thinking I might get Jeff all to myself." Chris shoots him a look. "Is that what you want? If you had your way? Just Jeff?" Dan Isn't really ready to answer that question, not even from Chris. "Wow, you'd switch teams just for me? You'd steal Evan away just so I could take his boyfriend? That's sweet man, really."Dan knows that Chris recognizes the deflection, but he lets Dan get away with it. "That's the kind if friend I am, Dan. Maybe you should take a lesson - the next time I need a wingman in a straight bar, it wouldn't kill you to step up." "Yeah, okay, I'll keep that on mind.

You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.''Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally.

Robyn Schneider

You were spying on me?" I repeated, this time my tone was stern."Nonsense! I was making sure you were safe." He answered, fluttering his wings and landing in front of me. "That's what friends do.

Don't let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Satisfaction is not the achievement of what we want, but the awareness of what we have.

Abhysheq Shukla

I'm friends with a guy who is friends with a former Playboy model. So I guess you could say I'm 1 degree away from 212 degrees.

You should find something better to do with your time,” Mandy told him. “I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up.”“…Come again?” Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. “I take photographs and develop them myself, I’ve got my own darkroom… it was a joke,” Mandy laughed. “I love photography and I’m gonna be a photojournalist someday.”“Really?” Alecto asked. For the first time since she’d met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. “…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs, it’s fun.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'damn, we fucked up'.

I wasn't concerned, but I was thinking that the fastest way to get your mind off him and on me would be to tell you something truly appalling about him.

Greg: Scott, great horde.My realization was that I could never *actually* live a life where I had to be constantly doing things like praising a dude's horde.So that made me feel better about myself.

Sandra.”“Thomas, I….”“You called.” He sounded concerned.“Yes, I….”“Why are you calling? Are you harmed?”“No….”“Are you rescheduling our Saturday lunch?”“No….”“Is this an emergency?”“Stop asking questions and just listen.”“Why are you calling?”I sighed, rolled my eyes. This was why I never called Thomas. “I need your help.”“Do you need money?”“Thomas, I swear, if you ask me another question, I will secretly switch your caffeinated with decaf during Saturday lunch at least three times over the next six months.”I could tell he was thinking about my threat, weighing it against the compulsion of his curiosity. Belatedly he said, “Proceed

Us is my favorite people.

I beg your pardon." Tameka held up her hand and shook her head in disbelief. "Did we just get passed by a centaur?""We got passed by a group of them," Ran corrected.Beckit grinned at Tameka. "Goodbye Kansas, hello Oz.""Amen to that, sister.

You aren’t allowed back until you’ve learned to willingly suspend disbelief.

Better to have to retrace your steps and then move forward than never to move forward at all.

Anne Burack Sayre

Lila!" he said cheerfully. "So you aren't a figment of my brothers imagination after all.

Nobody knows what is life and still alive

Life is easy. Just stay un-dead.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you silly 'holy' book. Here's hoping everybody un-reads it.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Jonathan Tropper

Sadness is like growing of hairs around our ass; we may not like it or want it, but it is surprisingly always there.

That’s the key, you know, confidence. I know for a fact that if you genuinely like your body, so can others. It doesn’t really matter if it’s short, tall, fat or thin, it just matters that you can find some things to like about it. Even if that means having a good laugh at the bits of it that wobble independently, occasionally, that’s all right. It might take you a while to believe me on this one, lots of people don’t because they seem to suffer from self-hatred that precludes them from imagining that a big woman could ever love herself because they don’t. But I do. I know what I’ve got is a bit strange and difficult to love but those are the very aspects that I love the most! It’s a bit like people. I’ve never been particularly attracted to the uniform of conventional beauty. I’m always a bit suspicious of people who feel compelled to conform. I personally like the adventure of difference. And what’s beauty, anyway?

I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.

Remember, the village idiot was the spiritual man who built the ark and saved his family. Keep being you and never give up marching to the beat of your own drum!

Shannon L. Alder

Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for dinner. They too that as a firm no.

At least I rescued your poor hot dog.

R.L.Stine

Worrying is like praying for crap!

Erin Fall Haskell

Hurry, your imaginary heaven is calling you up, my dear holier-than-thou religious nuts.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Kipster is a perfectly valid word,” Wendy argued, about to write down her score on the little notepad that had come with the game. “Okay, so what does it mean?” Mandy wanted to know. Wendy struggled to come up with an answer, and finally just changed the subject with school gossip. Mandy found herself just ignoring it… it always sounded the same, the same events, same rumors, same secrets, same affairs, but never anything of interest to her.“Well Sarah’s on drugs again and that’s why she did it in Mario’s backseat, but now she might be pregnant, oh, and that messed-up Seth kid’s been cutting himself again so he was sent away to Halifax last week, and there’s a festival in Wolfville but Kathy won’t go because Audrey-Rose is going to be there and they hate each other, and….”Mandy had learned two years ago to detach herself from gossip; she’d learned it from Jud’s death. Wendy may have been eighteen years old but she could be immature on the best of days.

I won’t marry you,” she repeated.“Why not? You were eager enough to fuck me.”Anna winced. “I do wish you would stop using that word.”Edward swung around and assumed a hideously sarcastic expression. “Would you prefer swive? Tup? Dance the buttock jig?

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me

Ana Claudia Antunes

Irma, she said. But I had started to walk away. I heard her say some more things but by then I had yanked my skirt up and was running down the road away from her and begging the wind to obliterate her voice. She wanted to live with me. She missed me. She wanted me to come back home. She wanted to run away. She was yelling all this stuff and I wanted so badly for her to shut up. She was quiet for a second and I stopped running and turned around once to look at her. She was a thimble-sized girl on the road, a speck of a living thing. Her white-blond hair flew around her head like a small fire and it was all I could see because everything else about her blended in with the countryside. He offered you a what? she yelled. An espresso! I yelled back. It was like yelling at a shorting wire or a burning bush. What is it? she said. Coffee! I yelled. Irma, can I come and live--I turned around again and began to run.

A dessert to a deserter in the desert burst, "You trust your thirst. And you are too hot! You scream for ice cream. And believe it or not, I may not be your first. But I might be your lust! Give it a shot...

Ana Claudia Antunes

There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!

E.A. Bucchianeri

So where does the name Adam's apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There is a problem with this theory because some Hebrew scholars believe that the forbidden fruit was the pomegranate. The Koran claims that the forbidden fruit was a banana. So take your pick---Adam's apple, Adam's pomegranate, Adam's banana. Eve clearly chewed before swallowing.

I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church:I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics.

Michael Ian Black

I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth.

If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.

Peter Boghossian

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another.

George Gordon Byron

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