Funny Quotes - Page 21

What?""Nothing." He laughed."You were really hungry.""I don't need to defend my eating to anyone.And just so you know,when I'm done with this,I plan to eat three whole cookies.""Whoa." He held up his hands."Now you're pulling out the big guns.""I don't mess around.

Tristi Pinkston

When in doubt, know your way out, I always say.""I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'""Well, yeah, that

Kevin Hearne

I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner!

Jasleen Kaur Gumber

Ala!" Echo sprang to her feet, legs tangled in the sheets. The Ala was here. The Ala had brought food. The Ala was a goddess

Melissa Grey

Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)

P.J. O'Rourke

Money, Gun and Lie can solve almost all the problems.

Amit Kalantri

Science and discovery, especially in the field of non-abnormal pediatric mysteries, is built on the work of those who have been sneezed on before us. Causation and rationale may someday be reached, but until then it is the heartwarming and parental nature of the journey that drives us on; well, that and a fresh box of Kleenex.

Spuds Crawford

You know, bullying," her mother began. "I see it every day. Kids get bullied at school, they get cyber bullied, text bullied, Myface bullied." "Oh, God!" Arista groaned. "It's My Space or Facebook. Not Myface.

Dianne F. Gray

I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.

Jim Gaffigan

...Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex.This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. H said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled.

T.J. Klune

He was a bad, bad bastard. He abused the privilege of being a cunt, as my old Da would say.’ I smiled, picturing the cozy fireside scene of young son on father’s knee being inducted into the world of abusive epithets.

Craig Russell

I needed something else, some kind of juice.He gave me a hooked-eyebrow glance and took a showy swig of the water. Mmm, he said, smacking his lips. Water-juice. It's fantastic.

Norman Ollestad

And they certainly wouldn’t take you along to a murder. That would be irresponsible parenting.

Kelley Armstrong

Ignorance is not linear, it's exponential.

Spuds Crawford

I’m now ‘Doctor’ to the patients and I have to cover my ignorance by waving my arms and looking grave.

Howard Florey

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

Josh Stern

I’m tired of ignorance held up as inspiration, where vicious anti-intellectualism is considered a positive trait, and where uninformed opinion is displayed as fact.

Philip Plait

Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy.

Nenia Campbell

Clare's been called a lot of things- smart and funny, driven and talented- but memorable certainly isn't one of them. The most important things about her- the ones she's most proud of- are apparent only once you get to know her.

Jennifer E. Smith

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for.

Bauvard

What’s that around your neck?” asked Emily. “It’s a golden star.” Said Reed.“What did you get it for?”“Chemistry class.”“What’s the star for?” the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student. “You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn’t know what that is.” He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily. “Greatness, what’s greatness?” Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking“It’s when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it.”“Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

Rumi Antoinette

All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful.

Amit Kalantri

It does not mean you are not awesome, if no one ever appreciates your beauty. But I can see that, in your juicy eyes, funny smiles and innocent face. And I am telling you now; you are exceptionally beautiful and awesome.

M.F. Moonzajer

Raphael met Michaela's gaze. "If you could kill every single beautiful woman in the world, would you?"Her smile never faded. "In an instant.

Nalini Singh

I'd rather be ignored as a frog than eaten as a human.

E.D. Baker

Growing age can kill the beauty, not the style.

Amit Kalantri

Memories make you sentimental, experiences make you smart.

Amit Kalantri

I agree that sometimes it is difficult to choose between right and wrong, but not between right and stupid.

Amit Kalantri

Remember, crowd doesn't care about common sense.

Amit Kalantri

Life is a funny, funny thing. Not the ‘ha-ha’ kind of funny, but an odd kind of funny. The kind of funny that you know exists, yet you can’t place your finger on. You know it’s there, and when the funny strikes, you feel it, but you can’t categorize it. It’s almost a feeling of melancholy, fixed with a tickle in your stomach and an odd loss of balance. This feeling catches you when you least expect it. Sometimes it’s better that way, sometimes it may feel like a curse. Regardless, once it passes, you feel different. You may even look different, though not to the naked eye. It may takes days or even months until you recognize the change within yourself, however apparent it may seem. One thing’s for sure: Once this funny thing strikes, you will never be the same.

Leigh Hershkovich

Majority wins, but majority is not necessarily right and sometimes majority is awfully wrong.

Amit Kalantri

You will have relatively less problems to solve, if you don't confuse problems with inconveniences.

Amit Kalantri

I decided to do the easy task of changing situations and conditions by being a hero, than staying back to do the difficult task of changing people by being just a man.

Amit Kalantri

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like the locals to be rejected as one of their own.

Sol Luckman

Well," he said, "I think we've found our way in. We just wait until they're duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don't have a lot of staying power or they'd have been at the gym with me before. I doubt Grandma Kent there is going to do a lot of damage." He pointed at a gray-haired, hunched lady in a shawl, carrying what looked liked a gardening tool. "It's like Plants Versus Zombies, and I'm not rooting for the zombies, weirdly enough.

Rachel Caine

I'm so careless that now i don't even care if i cared for you.

Vatsal

I once took a poo in the woods while hunched over like an animal. It was AWESOME.

Drew Barrymore

All lines are gray in the dark.

Nenia Campbell

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Sol Luckman

I love my ex so much I printed out all his pictures. After all, I need him for target practice. And I just love customised toilet paper and doormats. My only regret is that those items don't bear his autograph.

Natalya Vorobyova

For what religion has never had sects? Rest assured, Extremism is always the derrière.

Criss Jami

Plus, no matter how many times I'd brushed my teeth in Casey's bathroom (after half an hour she'd knocked on the door to make sure I was okay), the taste of disgusting, womanizing bastard was still in my mouth. Ugh!

Kody Keplinger

Wasn't it what her father always warned her about? Don't jump off a bridge because a cute guy tells you to?

Joannah Miley

(On having being just proposed to)'Have you been thinking of this for long?' she managed jerkily, praying for the shock to recede so that she could behave a little more normally.'Let's say it crept up on me,' he suggested lightly.That didn't sound very romantic. Muggers crept up on you; so did old age.

Lynne Graham

A man should be more original than a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. Flowers die and sugar sticks to your hips like a permanent record to a criminal.

Dannika Dark

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

Honoré de Balzac

You cannot expect a man to love you, but not because of your body or physical construction. It is like giving a man the option between choosing you and a monkey.

M.F. Moonzajer

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

Dylan Moran

He rolled his eyes and took my hand. His hand was hard and calloused, tough with muscle and old scars.The night settled around us like a blanket. I could hear the water lapping against the dock. We were totally alone.“You’re . . . ,” he began, and I waited, heart throbbing in my throat. “Such a pain,” he concluded.“What?” I asked, just as his head swooped in and his mouth touched mine. I tried to speak, but one ofFang’s hands held the back of my head, and he kept his lips pressed against me, kissing me softly but with a Fanglike determination.Oh, jeez, I thought distractedly. Jeez, this is Fang, and me, and . . . Fang tilted his head to kiss me more deeply, and I felt totally lightheaded. Then I remembered to breathe through my nose, and the fog cleared a tiny bit. Somehow we were pressed together, Fang’s arms around me now, sliding under mywings, his hands flat against my back.It was incredible. I loved it. I loved him.It was a total disaster.Gasping, I pulled back. “I, uh—,” I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking himover, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket.

James Patterson

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

Josh Stern

When did you grow a back bone?" Cassius stopped pacing and actually smiled a little.Kendall wasn't appeased "I borrowed Jory's

Gabrielle Evans

Those who pretend as if they don't love you, are the ones who would hate to see you love another person.

Michael Bassey Johnson

Nothing frustrates people more than a cocky guy who's still winning.

Criss Jami

In the Catskills, nostalgia runs backwards. The upwardly mobile Jewish masses of the 1950s and 1960s have been replaced by the Jews of 19th century Poland.

Kevin Haworth

Apropos of Eskimo, I once heard a missionary describe the extraordinary difficulty he had found in translating the Bible into Eskimo. It was useless to talk of corn or wine to a people who did not know even what they meant, so he had to use equivalents within their powers of comprehension. Thus in the Eskimo version of the Scriptures the miracle of Cana of Galilee is described as turning the water into blubber; the 8th verse of the 5th chapter of the First Epistle of St. Peter ran: ‘Your adversary the devil, as a roaring Polar bear walketh about, seeking whom he may devour.’ In the same way ‘A land flowing with milk and honey’ became ‘A land flowing with whale’s blubber,’ and throughout the New Testament the words ‘Lamb of God’ had to be translated ‘little Seal of God,’ as the nearest possible equivalent. The missionary added that his converts had the lowest opinion of Jonah for not having utilised his exceptional opportunities by killing and eating the whale.

Frederick Hamilton

A good many times I have been present at gatherings of people who, by the standards of the traditional culture, are thought highly educated and who have with considerable gusto been expressing their incredulity at the illiteracy of scientists. Once or twice I have been provoked and have asked the company how many of them could describe the Second Law of Thermodynamics. The response was cold: it was also negative. Yet I was asking something which is about the scientific equivalent of: Have you read a work of Shakespeare's?

C.P. Snow

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

Shannon L. Alder

I love to laugh. Specially at myself. Sometimes I spend hours doing it.

Nuno Roque

Of course I do, Jack! You have to beLIEve me!

Raymond Benson

Knives are sharp, but are equally confusing.

Nathan Hassall

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Funny Quotes - Page 21

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