Funny Quotes - Page 20

Yes! Yes! There's the attitude. Where was that girl during the race? Off getting sushi?

Doug Solter

I'm a guy. Unless the dirt attacks first, I leave it in peace.

Katie Graykowski

Wisdom of the Ages: "Humility" If you don't have it, you're gonna get it.

Matthew Heines

If I only had a little humility, I would be perfect.

Ted Turner

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase... I merely obliged her by running.

D.D. Chant

I like to skip prewriting. I love just jumping into the actual writing process. Then I revise/edit and fix what I need to. Then the following steps; proofread and publish. Of course before you just go into writing, it would be a good idea to do some charts of each chapter...what you would want each one to be about and have a character list with their personalities and how they will come into play in your book. I mean, you wouldn't just want to go all crazy and jot down all kinds of random stuff at once...trust me, you'll go crazy. With writing, you take it as it comes, go with your own flow.-Nina Jean Slack

Nina Jean Slack

I surround myself with books when I write, thus surrounding myself with writers... only they don't critique me and then get up for coffee.

Ryan Lilly

He returned my smile with a half grin. "So what do you blog about? Knitting? Puzzles? Being lonely?

Jennifer L. Armentrout

BioLogos claims there is no conflict between the theory of evolution and creationism. Huh? Here is where the creationists seem to have the intellectual advantage: they at least see the conflict. Actually, it is not that BioLogos isn't aware of the conflict, but rather, it has come up with the answer to the long-standing conflict between Darwinism and creationism: simply pretend there is no conflict.

G.M. Jackson

I have been scientifically studying the traits and dispositions of the “lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the Ascent of Man from the Lower Animals; since it now seems plain to me that that theory ought to be vacated in favor of a new and truer one, this new and truer one to be named the Descent of Man from the Higher Animals.

Mark Twain

We all men want a bad girl friend, but a good wife.

M.F. Moonzajer

In a nice little house in Atro City there lived a man called Doktor Gleichstein. He was a kind of scientist, and he was very good at his job, which is why he always worked from home. He looked a little funny because he kept losing his eyebrows. Quantum Physics, is sort of like ordinary Physics, only you tend to spend a lot more time looking for the cat. He worked in the sitting room because he’d blown the garage up once already. Apparently a lot of things happened by accident in Quantum Physics.

Christina Engela

The reason why a man cannot stop staring at a woman ass is only because God has spent 80 percent of his time and efforts on woman ass and 20 percent on her entire body.

M.F. Moonzajer

Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth

Josh Stern

Push my buttons, and I'll push you off a bridge.

Karen Quan

A woman who is praying and a woman who is having fun, they both say " Oh My God", the only difference is how they pronounce it.

M.F. Moonzajer

A woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a hot Texas day.

CheldonCooper

Never miss a party...good for the nerves--like celery.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

Tanya Masse

I wont take no for an answer. I will use this to bind you to my bed until you change your mind if you dont answer the way I want you to. Will you marry me?"She grinned. "I dont know." Her attention fixed on the tie for a few seconds before she met his gaze again. "I might be tempted to say no just to get you to tie me to your bed.

Laurann Dohner

Nothing amuses people more than a cocky guy who starts losing.

Criss Jami

My name is Matt Besser, and I'm an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I'm an atheist now living in L.A. I am a Razorback living in the Razorback diaspora.

Matt Besser

All your Western theologies, the whole mythology of them, are based on the concept of God as a senile delinquent

Tennessee Williams

I'm a born-again atheist.

Gore Vidal

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

Martin Amis

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman.

George Everett Macdonald

—Then, said Cranly, you do not intend to become a protestant?—I said that I had lost the faith, Stephen answered, but not that I had lost self-respect. What kind of liberation would that be to forsake an absurdity which is logical and coherent and to embrace one which is illogical and incoherent?

James Joyce

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

Oliver Markus

An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Offstage, I couldn't put things into words, and that was the one thing I'd always been able to rely on. Putting my feelings into words and praying they wouldn't be able to get out again.

Carrie Fisher

The choices that women make sometimes seems provoking and at the same time amusing. I once met a lady who said she liked my amusing facial expression.

Michael Bassey Johnson

When you’re in love with two people, always choose the second. The fact that you are constantly thinking of the second person makes it obvious that the first will never fulfill you, unless the second person did not fulfill you either. At this point, you have to choose the third person because God is getting a little tired of your inattention and indecisiveness, and is planning on sending a fourth person into your life just to slap you around with the bible for not entering the promised land.

Shannon L. Alder

I study men like I study books: I skim their midsections.

Bauvard

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in.

Dannika Dark

...I was shocked and astonished when a daring little girl -- a cousin I think -- having waited under a group of trees in the avenue, where she knew [my grandfather] would pass near four o'clock on the way to his dinner, said to him, 'If I were you and you were a little girl, I would give you a doll.

W.B. Yeats

Love it when a compelling new character kicks open your mental door, tracks mud across your brain, and props their feet up on your cerebrum.

Don Roff

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

Criss Jami

And we love you but I have to ask you to help me, to help us, please.”“How?” I asked, “By pretending nothing ever happened? Act as if she and I were strangers? Stand the way your sister acts towards me after all of what we had? Forget my story by her side? Are you asking me for that, Gabriel, for God’s sake?”“It sounds pretty bad when you put it like that…” Gabriel said, “but yes, pretty much.

Emiliano Campuzano

Beneath the people we think we are, there are funnier, happier, livelier people that we keep ignoring.

Rebecca Murphy

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself.

Jon Acuff

Humans as a whole are but an unwholesome hole with a sorry ass. In short, a**holes.

Fakeer Ishavardas

The universe had no choice but to create intelligent life so that there would be someone else that could simply laugh at how unbelievably, ridiculously and senselessly huge the universe is and how utterly insignificant the rest of us are.

Ian Strang

You’re probably wondering: why were Medusa’s kids a golden warrior and a winged horse? And how had they been stuck in Medusa’s body all those years?Heck, I dunno. I’m just telling you how it was. You want stuff to make sense, you’re in the wrong universe

Rick Riordan

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

Nicole McKay

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

M.J. McGuire

We know that there are many animals on this continent not found in the Old World. These must have been carried from here to the ark, and then brought back afterwards. Were the peccary, armadillo, ant-eater, sloth, agouti, vampire-bat, marmoset, howling and prehensile-tailed monkey, the raccoon and muskrat carried by the angels from America to Asia? How did they get there? Did the polar bear leave his field of ice and journey toward the tropics? How did he know where the ark was? Did the kangaroo swim or jump from Australia to Asia? Did the giraffe, hippopotamus, antelope and orang-outang journey from Africa in search of the ark? Can absurdities go farther than this?

Robert G. Ingersoll

It wasn't love at first sight. They ran into each other one morning in a sunny clearing in the forest. A few moments of stunned silence. `Glockenspiel,' Adam pronounced, thinking (but with terrible doubt) he'd found another animal in search of a name. When Eve approached him, proffering a handful of elderberries, he threw a stick at her and ran away.

Glen Duncan

I don't have a car."His eyes sliced into mine. "I walked here," I explained. "I'm on foot.""Angel," he said in a way that sounded like he sincerely hoped I was joking.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Do you think they're going to buy that a guy in tacky leather chaps dances like this?" I scoffed when he twirled me back into his emb

Becca Fitzpatrick

If I asked you to do something for me, I don't suppose you'd listen?" When he had my attention, he continued, "I'm going to take you home. Try to forget tonight happened. Try to act normal, especially around Hank. Don't mention my name."By way of an answer, I shot him a black look and swung out of the Tahoe. He followed suit, coming around to my side. "What kind of answer is that?" He asked, but his voice wasn't nearly so gruff.

Becca Fitzpatrick

Words were his delight; Hers, a gay gracefulnessOf dancing and moving. But when to the place Of deep loving (Starlight at midnight)At last they came, Their full communion And consummation,Their complete sphere,Was stillness for her,Silence for him.

Theodore Spencer

There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first edict from God hadn't involved dieting, don't you?)

Liz Curtis Higgs

What smells good may not always taste good, I leaned this the day I tried to eat a scented candle.

Kenny D. Eichenberg

Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

Neil Gaiman

I wondered if full-blooded vampires had something like blue balls for their fangs if they didn’t get to feed when they were expecting to. Like some kind of pseudo-sexual gingivitis.

Sierra Dean

These are the best things I've ever had in my mouth!

Mora Early

The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback.

Nicholson Baker

It’s delicious like my favorite treat! It’s definitely good to eat!

Nor Sanavongsay

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Funny Quotes - Page 20

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