Funny Quotes - Page 16

Conduct Covert UAV Operations Naked

The Covert Comic

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

The Covert Comic

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

The Covert Comic

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

The Covert Comic

Every Friday is black where I work.

The Covert Comic

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

The Covert Comic

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

The Covert Comic

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

The Covert Comic

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!

I knew I was in deep shit. I didn’t know how deep—just that I still hadn’t touched bottom.

Death is complicated."-Johann Kraus

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have been able to recite fairy tales to kids because I’m not smart enough.You know…?I’d have to be like…..uh:In time passed, though not long ago, there lived three pigs in stature, little in number, three, who being of an age both entitled and inspired to seek their fortune did set about to do thusly.When they had traveled a distance, pig numbered first spake saying, “Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to erect himself an abode.....

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader.

Jackson Radcliffe

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells.

H.M. Ward

And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll"-Kaname Kuran"I DONT WANT IT!"-Zero Kiryu"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"-Juri Elizabeth Marin

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away from him, and you will have his shoes.

Anonymous

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something.

H.M. Ward

My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.

When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma.

Love? Love is for children and poor people...

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot.

Stephanie Perkins

JACKYou're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.GWENDOLENOh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don’t even question your choices before you walk out of the house— you’re a fucking weirdo.

Why would a comediotic guy like Buzz Aldrin worry about who said what first? He was on the %$#@!+-oon!

Ray Palla

In summers, after 1 hour of extreme gaming you can use your laptop to iron your shirt.

Check my riddle, and I’ll let you play my fiddle.

Zack Love

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises that if he finds one more cat whisker in his chicken almandine, he will hand them over to the police, whom, he is sure, will be glad to have them back.

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked — but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:Dear Scumbag Thieves,If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver’s seat with this message:Here’s $500. It’s the best we can do until the holidays.P.S. Get some decent tires, why don’t you. We couldn’t sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them.

Invalidating a woman’s life choices by saying things like, “Oh, but you’ll regret it if you don’t have kids,” or, “I didn’t think I wanted kids either until I had one,” is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they’ll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley.

We got there without being spotted. I pulled her in, then shut the door, pressing my back to it and exhaling like an epileptic pilot who'd just landed a cargo plane full of dynamite.

Brandon Sanderson

I had no idea that marriage was only supposed to be between two people who wanted to get between the sheets and make more people. What ever happened to marrying for love— or to get on your partner’s health insurance policy, or for presents? No one was going to buy two people in their thirties a four-slice toaster if we just continued to live in sin.

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees.

He didn't give a shit if Shakespeare didn't have glitter back in his day.

Tiffany Ferentini

Everyone loves a goddamned trainwreck, after all.

Cigarette smoke when i didn't ask for it. Never when I did.

Ifra Asad

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

The people who are scared of ghosts are the ones who discuss most about them.

Abhishek Krishnan

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights)

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights)

We skipped right over Walmart on the ladder down.

At least a hospital stay will give him an excuse to halt the job hunt.

Stephanie Bramson

I just looked at the calendar and realized- my days are numbered

Time heals all wounds. Unless they're infected. Like gangrene. That shit'll kill you.

OTHER lives may find their happiest moments infiltrated with tragedy, and their proudest touched with comedy. This had almost invariably been true of mine. My proudest hour found me, the newly elected president of the United Nations, perched atop three thick New York City telephone books given me in lieu of a cushion that I might see and be seen by the delegates below the podium.

Carlos P. Romulo

One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real.

I was walking home alone from school and I was wearing a dress. A dude drove by and yelled, "Nice tits." Embarrassed and enraged, I screamed after him, "Suck my dick.

Tina Fey

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable.

I'm sorry. The Truth

Junko

The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense.

You can't stop the gears of capitalism. But you can always be a pain in the ass.

my problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks... it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far better to live this gambling life than living in boring average ...they at least make my art more interesting

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