Funny Quotes - Page 10

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.

Well, you know that old saying, “Keep your friends close and make out with your enemies.

I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I’d better go drown myself before I freeze to death.

Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows

If you feel like you're drowning, don't forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you're actually drowning, then how are you reading this?

Dani N M.

When a fat person goes in the water naked, would it still be called skinny-dipping?

Anthony Liccione

So I flirt with disaster once or twice. Who doesn’t?”He snorted. “You don’t just flirt with disaster, you have intercourse with it.

Dannika Dark

Have you ever heard someone say 'I shouldn't have trusted my intuition'?

Jennifer Ho-Dougatz

He’s sitting casually at my kitchen table peeling the skin off an applewith a pocket knife, a red apple that he has quite obviously appropriated from my fruit bowl, might I add.

L.H. Cosway

A crazy old lady, leading a band of teenagers against an angry supernatural Entity - who’da thought?

Diane M. Haynes

You have been around since scaly things crawled out of the muck, would it have killed you to read a book?

Metatron Supernatural

I had a dream about you. I licked your cone of ice cream. It was envelope flavored.

Melody Sohayegh

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said "That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you".

Georgia Saratsioti

Dear Hope, I NEVER thought Id see the day when two of your daily e-mails sandwiched a message from none other than PAUL PARLIPIANO. My crush to end all crushes! Gay man of my dreams! OOOH!

Megan McCafferty

Breckin shrugs. “I’m new here. And if you haven’t deducted from my impeccable fashion sense, I think it’s safe to say that I’m…” he leans forward and cups his hand to his mouth in secrecy. “Mormon,” he whispers.

Colleen Hoover

He's wearing flannel!" Alan yelped. "He's shoving his straight in my face!

K.D. Sarge

I’d like to make it clear from the start that I am gay, gay,gay. Like, when I come out of the closet, I’m usually wearingmy sister’s prom dress kind of gay.

Gwen Hayes

Day drag." Ashley answered simply. "The sun turns vampires into dust and drag queens into this." He motioned with his hand down his body.

Kyle Adams

What the hell happened to your leg?" Ang asked him. Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. "Crashed.""Crashed what?" Ang asked. "My mountain bike. We just got back.""You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?"He laughed. "Something like that actually. It's not a successful ride if you don't bleed." He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic, "You guys ride?"Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a "no." "Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer's in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff's in ten minutes.""Football?" Angelo asked. Matt looked at his as if he had just asked if the sky was really blue. "Yeah! First game of the regular season!" We just stared blankly at him, and he just laughed and disappeared down the hall. Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. "Four fags watchin' football. Must be pretty fuckin' cold in hell right now.

Marie Sexton

Jared was completely gone now, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. Matt turned on him and snapped, "It's not funny," which only made Jared laugh harder."Any of you guys strict about top or bottom?" Angelo asked, "'Cause if so, you'll screw it all up-""Literally," Cole said."And we'll have to start all over." Angelo turned to Matt. "If you got a strong preference you better say so now.""Lay it all out, so to speak," Cole said."On the table." Angelo said."For all to see.""Zach does like to watch," Angelo said, winking at me, and I was relieved that with the direction the conversation was going, nobody took him seriously."Then it's settled!" Cole said. "Who's going where with whom first? Zach, I think you're up." He winked at me. "Or you soon will be.""Oh dear God," Mat moaned, hanging his head. "I knew I shouldn't have come.""Don't worry about it a bit," Cole said. "I'm sure Zach can coax at least one more out of you."Jared laughed so hard, I was amazed he managed to stay in his chair.

Marie Sexton

...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.

Ann Somerville

His ass has seen more cock than a poultry farm!

Lou Harper

Is this your boyfriend?" the first nun asked. Clair Olivia looked me up and down. “No. This is my gay friend who decided he was straight and single-handedly wrecked havoc at an all-boys school in Massachusetts this fall. He’s gay again and home for Christmas, so yay!

Bill Konigsberg

So while I drove my little and planned his fantasy night of how I was going to give Otter the key to my soul (his words, not mine), I silently panicked and wrote lines of bad poetry. Normally, I am quite adept at writing poems and lyrics to songs I'l never sing, but this stuff was just atrocious. For example:I love youYou love meThank God for thatI'm so happyAnd Ty's personal favorite (which he helped me on): Otter! Otter! Otter!Don't lead cows to slaughterI love you and I knowI should've told you soon-aBut you didn't buy the dolphin-safe tuna!TY asked me if I got the hidden message in his poem. I told him it was loud and clear.

T.J. Klune

Isabelle snorted. "All the boys are gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you , Simon.""You noticed." said Simon."I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus."Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec. "Especially my father.

Cassandra Clare

Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door. Therefore you are gay. Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber.

Daniel Clowes

Now it is easy to perceive that the moral part of love is a factitious sentiment, engendered by society, and cried up by the women with great care and address in order to establish their empire, and secure command to that sex which ought to obey.

Jean-Jacques Rousseau

So just bust a move!

Ava J. Abramowitz

I say, `Woe to them that have a nose, a real nose,and come to look round the torture-chamber! Aha, aha, aha!

Gaston Leroux

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Josh Stern

Wendy’s house, unlike many in Cape Breton, had three floors, along with a basement and attic. Aside from Wendy’s bedroom, there was a laundry room. The dirty water in the sink would rush from the washer hose, bubbling up, threatening to overflow, but it never did. Next-door was a motel with a neon sign that read in turquoise and pink, “We have the best rates in town!”, but the ‘E’ in ‘rates’ kept flickering on and off day and night so that every few seconds it would switch to, “We have the best rats in town!

Rebecca McNutt

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

Nicole McKay

Help us, Juli-wan Kenobi, you're our only

Rachel Aaron

Don't try to nice your way out of this. It's insulting.

Rachel Aaron

Kurt Cilke liked dogs because they could not conspire. They could not hide hostility, and they were not cunning. They did not lie awake at night planning to rob and murder other dogs. Treachery was beyond their scope.

Mario Puzo

Poor, dear old Mack, he was ninety-eight per cent perfect. His two percent failing was that he had absolutely no idea of the value or the power of arbitration. He was the veteran of a hundred battles, and I never once could say to the other fellow, 'Your dog started it.

William S. Hart

We turn around and there stands Aidan, looking like he just won a million dollars. He can't keep his eyes off Ivy."Hey, Aidan," I greet. "I'd like you to meet Ivy.""I am quite pleased to meet your acquaintance." Ivy gently shakes his hand.Finally getting a grip, Aidan returns the shake, his goofy grin reappearing on his face. "Yeah. I'm Aidan. Good to meet you, too.""Rylan has told me so much about you."Aidan rubs his chin, a comically sly glint in his eyes. "Oh really? Did he say how dashing, brilliant, and incredibly handsome I am?""No." I shakes, completely unaware it's all a joke. "Rylan said you were loud and that if it was not for him, you'd still be stuck in the third grade."I snort into my water as Aidan scowls."But he also says you're a good brother, a trustworthy friend, and very funny." She breaks off giggling. "And I see what he means. You should see the look on your face!"Oh, ya mean this?" Aidan puts his hands up and wiggles his fingers as his expression contorts into something even crazier. Ivy continues giggling; even I let out a chuckle feeling my nerves disappear. No more worrying with the whole "meet my friends" situation.

Colleen Boyd

Labor is a man crowning glory.""Not this man's.""I quote Marx"I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough."I quote blisters.

John Fowles

But...that doesn't make any sense...!''It does if you're a goat.

Linda Medley

The intercom buzzes while you're changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: "Who is it?" "Narcotics squad. We're soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs.

Jay McInerney

Luis is right there.” I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn’t as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high.

Simone Elkeles

Whoa, who was that?”“Madison Stone,” Kiara mutters.“Introduce me to her.”“Why?”Because I know it’ll annoy the shit out of you.

Simone Elkeles

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did.

Simone Elkeles

Listen, I didn’t ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents’ DNA, I’ve got them, and I’m not ashamed to use ’em.

Simone Elkeles

You’ve got a big ego, Fuentes.”“That’s not all I’ve got.

Simone Elkeles

Can you put your hands on my crot

Jennifer Echols

The Professor doesn’t have a problem being called Dick? If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich . . . not Dick. Hell, I’d even settle for being called Chard.

Simone Elkeles

Boys don’t gossip.”“Pah! You don’t know us as well as you think.”This was a disturbing prospect.

Jennifer Echols

I wanted to remind you that you do not allow me to deliver boats, as I have been known to crash them.

Jennifer Echols

Oh.” My dad actually looked sheepish. “It’s one o’clock in the morning and I was going to tell you to shut the monkey up and go to bed. I didn’t realise what was going on in here.”“What’s going on in here?” Cameron asked suspiciously.“Maturity.” My dad backed out of the room and closed the door.

Jennifer Echols

Who’s driving the boat?”Over the motor, I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

Jennifer Echols

I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I’d enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber.

Jennifer Echols

But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the creases I’d pressed into it.

Jennifer Echols

You look like a hot tamale.”“That’s not really a compliment.

Simone Elkeles

What’s with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan.”“I suspect I am a hooligan.

Simone Elkeles

cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin’ in your house, I’d kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder.

Simone Elkeles

I’m not going anywhere until you hear me out.”Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the

Simone Elkeles

You were lookin’ at me like you wanted to kiss me.”I force a laugh. “Yeah, right,” I say sarcastically.“Nobody’s watchin’ if you want to, you know, try it. Not to brag, but I’m somewhat of an expert.

Simone Elkeles

She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven’t done in years— barnyard sounds.

Simone Elkeles

Don’t try and make me feel better, Alex. I hate you.”“I hate you, too.

Simone Elkeles

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Funny Quotes - Page 10

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