Funny Humor Quotes

I haven't stopped looking for the good in people. I've just accepted the fact that I'm not always going to find it.

Never make eye contact with a stranger when you’re having a churro.

Rucy Ban

Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. “I’m not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.

Care to explain?” Ari asked.“Didn’t you see my signals?”“Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”“It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”“That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.“That’s what I did.”“No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”“I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”-Janco and Ari bickering

Maria V. Snyder

Connor and Cameron look wide-eyed at the carnage. Cameron slowed the speedboat down to a crawl. She and Connor looked at Jason.“Oops,” Jason said meekly. Nothing else seemed appropriate.“Oops?” Connor shouted. “You blew up half the town.

MY FRIEND: SO DO YOU TAKE A FOREIGN LANGUAGE CLASS?ME: SURE DO HAVE BEEN FOR THE LAST 13 YEARS.MY FRIEND: COOL WHAT LANGUAGE?ME: MATH.

I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do.

Fakeer Ishavardas

If I were married, I would be unmarried.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!

Fakeer Ishavardas

Please follow these instructions:1. Stack the pages of this letter neatly. 2. Roll the pages up into a cylinder. 3. Smack yourself over the head with it. 4. Repeat. You complete ass.

Hey, religious nuts! Please do not grow up. Just go up!

Fakeer Ishavardas

Monkeying around with other apes, a monkey was made - called, HUMAN. God is great!

Fakeer Ishavardas

Whenever I wish to pay my respect to you, my middle finger says, it must first.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had there been somewhere else on the bus to sit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job of self-persuasion. Good thing I wasn't in court suing myself, because I would have lost. From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

Zack Love

So I'm delighted to open up a bit about these particular details, in honor of Valentine's Day (when every balding, chubby, and short actuary wants people - especially the babes out there - to know about his studly past"From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Zack Love

This was getting uglier by the minute, I thought. There really was no easy escape, since we were sitting far from the exit and the waiters knew me from prior dinner dates with Ashley and I hadn't paid the tab yet. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Zack Love

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Zack Love

Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash."From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Zack Love

If I could do all of that on February 14th, it would be a personal best for me. Something to share with my crew for the glory and the laughs, or to cheer up the next buddy of mine to get dumped or cheated on. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

Zack Love

New York City is legendary for sleeping around. There's hot tail everywhere and it's such a big city that two-timing and even three-timing is very doable, if you plan it right."From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever. (a Short Story)

Zack Love

Everything is going as planned until I notice that Ashley has barely touched her wine glass or food after ordering the priciest bottle and several of the most expensive dishes on the menu.From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Zack Love

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you all - if you are not people!

Fakeer Ishavardas

I love you as I do all - not at all.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

Fakeer Ishavardas

The neck in front of her came up. The head swivelled 180 degrees and the horse looked at Kin with bright insectile eyes.'YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND,' it said inside Kin's head.'Hell!''THOSE ARE NOT MEANINGFUL CO-ORDINATES.

Terry Pratchett

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

...and there encountered with him all at once Sir Bors, Sir Ector, and Sir Lionel, and they three smote him at once with their spears, and with force of themselves they smote Sir Lancelot's horse reverse to the earth. And by misfortune Sir Bors smote Sir Lancelot through the shield into the side...

You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I'll make you a rich woman.

Kate Avery Ellison

I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him.

Were one to call your stupid ism good, well then, one would either be equally idiotic, or a fool, or no good.

Fakeer Ishavardas

You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't.

Fakeer Ishavardas

What are you? The pregnant MacGyver?” “Best compliment I’ve had in a while.

Play and be happy.

Lailah Gifty Akita

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I have great respect for you - once you are dead, and gone

Fakeer Ishavardas

I made a tactical error tonight with Wyatt." She paused "Horizontally." Sara laughed. "Again?

Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.

Arch turned and looked at Ian. The other man was fiddling with the neckline of his shirt. “You're just jealous, Ian, and wishing you had a soul mate of your own. In fact, I don't think any woman will be safe until you get one.” Ian shot him an unamused look at his words.

Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again.

Kimberly Derting

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Dogs are angels full of poop.

Oliver Gaspirtz

After your daily bread, if you ask God for anything, ask 'him' to make you right in the head.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

The Covert Comic

Laughter is the best medicine

Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well. When is your funeral?

Fakeer Ishavardas

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Checked thoroughly, humans stink.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Frankly, the only good people who I know are dogs.

Fakeer Ishavardas

The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice--""You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking."He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice.""Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing.

Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.

You know when you mix butt and Angel in the same sentence, it becomes an insult,” I say and take a big gulp from the can. With his back to me, he says, “Trust me, I would never dream of insulting your butt. I’m sure it’s better than anything I’m cooking out here.

Rucy Ban

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