Comedy Quotes - Page 7

One of the comics said he thought I was talented but wouldn't ever make it as a stand-up. It hurt. Looking back now, I can see clearly how experienced comics get bitter. It's a tough business, and often things don't work out the way you think they will. But rage and jealousy comics can feel for others' success is a highly toxic waste of time.

Amy Schumer

People deceive themselves, or deceive each other, that is the origin of comedy.

Hsing zhou

Comedy to me has always seemed a social tightrope for the comedian. For all axioms intellectually sound the general public would prefer to be amused, but in those emotionally sound, it then chooses to get offended.

Criss Jami

If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.

Judith Stone

I'm sorry. The Truth

Junko

Grandma, everyone out here is bleaching their anuses. What do I do?"Her advice? "Baby, go outside in the sun and squirt a little lemon juice on it.

Mollie Gross

During our visit, we noticed she was mixing up words. She started referring to Muslims as Mormons. After 9/11, she told Jon and me how it was important for America to stop the radical Mormons because they had perpetrated the attacks on the Twin Towers.There was no way we could convince her of the difference. We'd just smile and not. "That's right, Grandma, all the Mormons got together on September 11th and ran their bicycles into the Twin Towers!

Mollie Gross

The girdle went from just under my breasts to the top of my knees. It cinched me in pretty tight. In fact, it was so tight that when I sat in it and farted, the farts would slide up my back, shoot out the top of the girdle, and make my hair fly off the back of my beck.

Mollie Gross

Any game plan? (Xypher)Don't die. (Sin)I like it. Simple, bold. Impossible. Works for me. (Xypher)

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Pregnancy is a very tough experience for a female, have no doubt. But, it's not a walk in the park for a man either. Understanding on both sides is key

James Perrin

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet... and yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.

Terry Pratchett

Sam: I've never considered myself a finicky eater. No pie ever crossed my path and survived.

Jaime Reed

To see a man slip on a banana skin is to see a rationally structured system suddenly translated into a whirling machine.

Marshall McLuhan

Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren't we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?' he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. 'A bit of a crush in the vestibule, here, Mamma! If we start crying, there'll be an explosion. Never mind, I'll be there to collect the bits--just like an antiquary.''Now, there's the language of true French gallantry,' murmured Madame Vauquer in an aside to Madame Couture.

Honoré de Balzac

He was a humorist, and everyone knew the funny writers were the most serious sort under their skins.

Paula McLain

Mankind is immortalin the comic perspective not by virtue of man's subjugation of naturebut by virtue of man's subjection to it. The "fall" in tragedy ends indeath; the fall in comedy ends in bed, where, by natures's arithmetic,one and one make a brand new one.

Rose A. Zimbardo

Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.

Mary Chase

It was too early in the morning for this fuckery.

Goldy Moldavsky

If you want to get results in your life try with comedy... first pressure then apply comedy. Always it shallow the shitty life-pressure!

Deyth Banger

Comedy was invented to make people forget,That the plays of our lives were originally written as tragedies.

Cody Edward Lee Miller

I understand the, um, difficulty the French expatriates might have, especially after projects in Brazil, Mexico, and Colombia. My heart goes out to you all.’ Katrina wished she could control that stupid smile that was aching to spread on her face as Luc Gautier became bright red. ‘But this is Chennai . . . South India. Not even your largest glass manufacturing facility with 1,000-tonne capacity per day will save you from being slapped.

Cécile Rischmann

Nihilism is a subject for comedy.

Marty Rubin

Oh, friend John, it is a strange world, a sad world, a world full of miseries, and woes and troubles, and yet when King Laugh come he make them all dance to the tune he play.

Bram Stoker

There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.

Jim Jefferies

Cath exhaled. Then inhaled. Her chest was so tight, it hurt both ways. Levi shouldn't get to make her feel this way - he shouldn't even have access to her chest.

Rainbow Rowell

Before we left home, my hair had already started to fall apart. I decided to pull it into a bun high on my head and attach one of those fake hair things that look like a nest of cute curls. I slapped a tiara on my head and was good to go. I had my weave, my girdle, and my tiara. I was ready to party!

Mollie Gross

Peter and Jessie were like Romeo and Juliet. Have you ever seen that old movie? Starring Leonardo Dicaprio?

Adele Griffin

A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long a comedy is played out by an incomparable actor.

Champfleury

is there any I could get a glass of water?"[waiter]There is no way... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty..... Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago... who had figured out a way to do just that but he is long gone and with him the secret. It had something to do with a glass rack and a faucet but no one has been able to put the pieces together so I must say no there is no way. HOW I WISH THERE WAS A WAY!!!

Brian Regan

That bloody bastard! That thrice accursed son of a bitch!

Cornelia Funke

Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish "shrek" mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.

Saira Viola

A comedy that has been divide in two can never be Restored

Jun Mochizuki

under the gold standard, a free banking system stands as the protector of an economy's stability and balanced growth... The abandonment of the gold standard made it possible for the welfare statists to use the banking system as a means to an unlimited expansion of credit... In the absence of the gold standard, there is no way to protect savings from confiscation through inflation

Alan Greenspan

Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Well, Sir, we've been getting along pretty good for quite a while now, and we're certainly much obliged. Remember, all we ask is to just go along and be happy in our own sort of way. Of course we want to keep our health but as far as anything else is concerned, we'll leave it to You. Thank You.

Moss Hart

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

Josh Stern

Ah! good Sir! no Whores before Dinner, I beseech

Colley Cibber

A comedy isn’t about being funny...a comedy is about characters who dare to know that they may choose a happy ending after all.

Gary D. Schmidt

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

Patrick Major Dallas OR

No one will laugh at how great things are for somebody.

Harold Ramis

Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.

Daniel Prokop

BALLS! We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them HERE, and we want them NOW.

Bruce Robinson

I found myself surrounded by really old veterans wearing hats that said, "Retired Marine - SEMPER FI." These hats didn't appear to fit on their heads, but instead seemed to hover over them.At one point, I mistakenly tried to take the last box of crackers that a veteran also wanted. He started yelling, "I ran away from home at seventeen, lied about my age, and joined the Corps! I fought in World War II, Korea, and NAM! I have no cartilage in my right knee! It's bone-on-bone, but every morning I run six miles! I did not sacrifice my knee for this country to come here today and have you disrespect me at the commissary. Oooh-RAH!"I dropped the crackers and walked away.

Mollie Gross

It seemed harmless enough until she misplaced her "Dildo" and started calling the neighbors to ask if she could borrow one of theirs!

Mollie Gross

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.

Joe Rogan

What are you gonna help us with? That very tiny used condom?

Booth

Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of 'N Sync we'd want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. JoeyFatone's last name was going to be “Fat One” no matter how great he was, and even though they didn't know at theirage that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he'd make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn't trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise.

Mindy Kaling

Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. "If I might be so bold, my lady-""Perriwick!" Blake roared. "If I hear the phrase 'if I might be so bold' one more time, as God is mywitness, I'm going to toss you into the channel!""Oh dear," Penelope said. "Perhaps he does have the fever, after all.Perriwick , what do you think?"The butler reached for Blake's forehead, only to have his hand nearly bitten off. "Touch me and die,"Blake snarled.

Julia Quinn

Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.

Jasper Fforde

Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.

P.G. Wodehouse

Author's WarningIf you're buying this book as a gift for your grandma or a kid, you should be aware that it contains cusswords as well as tasteful depictions of cannibalism and people in their forties having sex. Don't blame me. I told you.

Christopher Moore

Well, possibly," I said, feeling my lips twitch again. "But maybe first you would tell us why you chose to manifest yourself in the form of Shirley Temple as last seen on the 'Good Ship Lollipop'?"The demon twirled around, its big pink sash fluttering as it smoothed down its dress and frilly little petticoat. "My grotesque form isn't making you sick with fright?"We both shook our heads, Noelle with a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. "Shirley Temple at her pinnacle was frightening," I finally told it, "but not in the sense I think you mean.

Katie MacAlister

Sebastian,” Katarina said, turning to her nephew. “You’ve grown.” “It happens,” Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin.“Goodness,” she said with smile, “you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.”Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet.It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn’t all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared.

Julia Quinn

One does not have humor. It has you.

Larry Gelbart

[T]he most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing--such as making love.

G.K. Chesterton

Pamela, I’m in love with you. Yeah, it’s that bad. You’re so beautiful to me. Shut up! Lemme tell you. Let me. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me - and the way you are with me - and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and you’re real. I don’t have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I’m going to live a thousand years cause that’s how long it’s gonna take me to have one thought about you which is that I’m crazy about you, Pamela. I don’t wanna be with anybody else. I don’t. I really don’t. I don’t think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train. We were on this train and you were holding my hand. That’s the whole dream. You were holding my hand and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you, Pamela. It’s like a condition. It’s like polio. I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you. And I can’t be with you. So I’m gonna die - and I don’t care cause I was brought into existence to know you and that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back it’s like greedy.

Louis C.K.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.

Bob Newhart

Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting fucked.

David Mamet

It could be worse... It could be raining

Marty Feldman

In comedy laughter settles all arguments.

Robert McKee

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won't go free.APOLLORelax, I'm not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you're breaking no laws?APOLLOI always carry a bow, it's my trademark.

Anne Carson

Previous 1 … 5 6 7 8 9 … 16 Next

Comedy Quotes - Page 7

Related Topics