Comedy Quotes - Page 10

Adam ” Lori called loudly enough for me to hear her but not so loud that her voice would carry up to my mom in the marina office- or to her dad who might be listening from their screened porch facing the water. “I came over to get some tips from the boys about teaching Tammy and Rachel to board. Of course I did not come over here to see you. How could you think such a thing That would be disobedient.” I held up the wax. “For my own disobedience I have to buff the boat. Then I’m going for a jog.” She tilted her head. Probably her eyes widened but I couldn’t see them behind her sunglasses. I hated not being able to see her eyes. She asked “In this heat?” I didn’t mind jogging in the heat. The heat was a big friendly animal that liked to wrestle and only occasionally sat on me until I lost my breath. Anyway she was missing the point. I repeated carefully ”I am GOING for a JOG.” “I HEARD you the FIRST time ” she said. “It’s late afternoon in the middle of June. It’s ninety-five degrees out here.” “He means he’s GOING for a JOG” Rachel and Tammy said at the same time. “He’s GOING for a JOG.”Lori still didn’t get it. Normally her blondeness was one of the things I loved about her. At the moment not so much. Exasperated Cameron told her “Adam wants you to go for a jog too.” She said “Oh ” “If you two airheads have to hook up secretly for very long ” Sean said “you’re not going to make it.

Jennifer Echols

Let's go," I said."Go where?""On Lori's date with Parker."Now he looked at me over the nerdy spectacles he wore for reading."I wasn't aware it was a double date. And you're not my type.

Jennifer Echols

Her dad turned to me. "You. Follow Me.""Woof," I said.

Jennifer Echols

Think like a middle-aged man with OCD, a dead wife, and a teenage daughter.Think like a woman with three teenage sons who once ran a golf cart into the side of their granddad's house.""Cameron and Sean shouldn't have let me drive," Adam said in his own defense. "I was seven.""You shouldn't have ASKED to drive. You were seven.

Jennifer Echols

Stay away from her.""Okay.""Keep your hands off her.""I'll try."He scowled at me."I will," I said.

Jennifer Echols

Oh, God," Lori said without looking at me, "what are they thinking, leaving the two of us alone out here on the dock together? We might TALK or something.""That would be awful," I said. "I might give you a hickey."She laughed, still watching for Cameron's start instead of looking at me. "Just by talking to me?""I can talk really dirty. You'd be surprised.

Jennifer Echols

A smaller rocket cut across the sky, trailing smoke. It exploded in a red heart."Awwwww!" said the crowd."Upside down," said Sean.The heart was, indeed, upside down. It grew and grew, upside down, until it's lights trailed and faded.A bigger rocket exploded in bright golden sparks, and then came another red heart."Upside down," said all the boys.Three explosions layered on top of one another, gold, blue, pink. Then still another red heart exploded, growing and growing before it faded."Upside down," said everyone in the boat but me.My own heart expanded for Adam.I whispered, "I know what he meant.

Jennifer Echols

Your confidence in me is heartwarming.Makes me want to return all the money I stole from the little old ladies and kick the heroin.

Jennifer Echols

Where did the stereotypical image of the reclusive author in a bathrobe and slippers, indulging in vices and spending hours before a typewriter, even come from? I don't know about you, but most writers don't have the luxury of doing any of this. Otherwise we'd have no life experience and nothing to write about, anyway.

Rebecca McNutt

Comedy writers don't join fraternities.''Don't pigeon hole me, Georgie, I'm infinite.

Rainbow Rowell

The story is uneven in its progression.

ichtys

I gotta go Seth, so I'll leave you to work on being nerdy and withdrawn.”“It's not as easy as it looks, you know.”“I'm sure,” Nine said with a laugh.

Charlie Fey

I didn't grow up in a Norman Rockwell house... my house was more akin to Norman Lear.

michael p naughton

I seek to sensitize and clarify the essential elements of my soul. I will leave striving for the flags of fame and fortune behind and go where the soul beckons without fearing the decisive outcome. I will travel in a world without boundaries and embrace danger and awe. I will stand as a witness to comedy, beauty, and tragedy and apply the principles of artistic and ascetic forms of awareness to overcome the inherent frustration of enduring a fundamentally painful human existence.

Kilroy J. Oldster

Comedy is tragedy standing on its head with its pants down.

Chris Crutcher

We’re so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. I’m tired of this shit. I’m tired of f-ing Earth Day. I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles … hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages … And we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. WE are!We’re going away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re going away. And we won’t leave much of a trace, either. Maybe a little Styrofoam … The planet’ll be here and we’ll be long gone. Just another failed mutation. Just another closed-end biological mistake. An evolutionary cul-de-sac. The planet’ll shake us off like a bad case of fleas.The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

George Carlin

Thank you. For being willing to talk. For not turning me in. For... being you.''I'm pretty good at being me,' I said. 'I've had all these years to practice--I hardly ever get it wrong these days.

Brandon Sanderson

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break hearts.

Tim Minchin

Jasper!” Casey shouts, startling the young woman. “My cargo is talking to me!

Nathan Reese Maher

She points to where he went and looks to the neutral Baumen. “He—he did that to me on purpose! He’s insane. Literally, insane!”The munchkin just shrugs. “Welcome aboard!” and returns unconcerned to his work.

Nathan Reese Maher

It seemed to us that all people to a greater or lesser degree belong to one of these two types, that almost every one of us resembles either Don Quixote or Hamlet.

Ivan Turgenev

Being less discriminative shouldn't mean protecting nasty people, then discriminating against the innocent

James Perrin

It seems to me that they only seem to mention things in the Bible that are within a 5 mile radius of the guy writing it.

Jim Jefferies

Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.

M.J. McGuire

In geometry, whenever we had to find the area of a circle, pi * radius squared, I would get really hungry for pie. Square pie.

Dan Florence

I prefer noodles when they're raw, they taste just as good, but reward you with a satisfying crunch...

Callum Horncastle

And if that weren't bad enough, the next sound he heard was a loud click.The damned woman had locked him out. She'd taken all the food and locked him out."You'll pay for this!" he yelled at the door."Do be quiet," came the muffled reply. "I'm eating.

Julia Quinn

I'm starved." -Juli"How can you be starved? You just ate a huge bowl of popcorn." -Elspeth"Popcorn isn't food, it's popcorn." -Vicki

Lynsay Sands

I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

Kyle Kinane

The truth is like sunlight: It causes cancer.

J. Richard Singleton

If teams had to name themselves honestly, they’d all be the Pimple-Faced Teenagers.

Eric Berlin

True, beneath the human façade, I was an interloper, an alien whose ship had crashed beyond hope of repair in the backwoods of Southern Appalachia—but at least I’d learned to walk and talk enough like the locals to be rejected as one of their own.

Sol Luckman

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

Sol Luckman

I hate comedy... Yo...-yo bitch.

Deyth Banger

I have so much hate that it has turned into love.

Margaret Cho

It faintly irritated him that Zaphod had to impose some ludicrous fantasy on to the scene to make it work for him. All this Margrathea nonsense seemed juvenile. Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

Douglas Adams

You gonna do somethin'? Or are you just gonna stand there and bleed?

Kevin Jarre

Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert

Josh Stern

People from different cultures have different definitions for beauty. Isn't that sad to judge others with our standards... rather than appreciate them?

Mizuki Nomura

I’ve never been bothered with my conduct. I’ve only been bothered by people that don’t get it correct when they gossip about me.

Shannon L. Alder

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

Bill Hicks

Spanish—how shall I say this?—is likePortuguese spoken with a speech impediment.

Sol Luckman

I should think a dead language would be rather boring, sociallyspeaking.

Sol Luckman

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

Patton Oswalt

You barbarians!' he yelled. 'I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until...until you've had enough.'Ford was running after him. Very very fast.'And then I will do it again!' yelled Arthur, 'And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them!

Douglas Adams

I didn't wait for Luck. I raced after it with a truck.

A.A. Bell

Jasper set an intercepting course towards that Rhylonian Star Duster. Maybe we can catch them on their blind side.”“Doesn’t this ship have a cloak?” Jaq asks.“Miss Synergy, I don’t know what they teach now a’days at the Academy, but ships do not wear clothes.

Nathan Reese Maher

In the real world, babysitting is a groovy way for young people to learn responsibility (and earn a little pocket money). In the Terrorverse, it's a plot device used to kill teenagers.

Seth Grahame-Smith

Shall I compare thee to a Shoggoth?

D.R. O'Brien

This is what my high school life had become—a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions.

G.G. Silverman

Nice driving, ya doomed fucks!

Daniel Younger

Are we not all actors playing parts in another person's play?

Shannon L. Alder

An Undergrounder is one who comes back after he’s or she’s—you know, under the ground.” Daniel’s green eyes flared again. “That isn’t supposed to happen.” Sir Sun nodded in agreement. “Most certainly not.

Mav Skye

I have a present for you.” He raised his eye brows. “I don’t like your surprises.” “You’ll like this one. Close your eyes.

Mav Skye

Velva’s face glowed in the streetlight. “Sir Sun, don’t you see? I am your violent violet. And you are mine.

Mav Skye

That's scary, all the time to be afraid Wreck 2015 (Film, you should check it out).

Deyth Banger

Your tills are talking to me and want me to take them home. Does this often happen?

Steven Poore

Your fortune teller cursed me. Foul spirits haunt every supermarket I go to. I can't show my face in Morrisons.

Steven Poore

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

Edgar Allan Poe

Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

Molly Harper

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Comedy Quotes - Page 10

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