Comedy Quotes

If the sky falls, we shall catch larks./Když nebe padá , zjímáme skřivani.

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows.

Either to die the death or to abjureFor ever the society of men.Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;Know of your youth, examine well your blood,Whether, if you yield not to your father's choice,You can endure the livery of a nun,For aye to be in shady cloister mew'd,To live a barren sister all your life,Chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.Thrice-blessed they that master so their blood,To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,Than that which withering on the virgin thornGrows, lives and dies in single blessedness.

William Shakespeare

The only ironic thing about that song is that it's called 'Ironic' and it is written by a woman who doesn't know what irony is. That's quite ironic when you think about it. (on Alanis Morissette's 'Ironic')

Ed Byrne

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

Lisa Papademetriou

She forks up a little nibble and wedges it in her mouth. "Yum," she croaks.Mrs. Wong looks pleased. "It's made with tofu."I can't resist. "Free-range tofu?"My mother looks over at me sharply. Mrs. Wong takes the bait. "Now, Cassidy, tofu isn't an animal," she chides. "It's soy bean curd. Soy bean curd doesn't need to roam free."On the floor below me, Emma lets out a little snort. I nudge her again with my foot. We're both grinning at the thought of a corral somewhere with little cubes of tofu wandering around. "Home, home on the range," I sing to her under my breath. "Where the deer and the tofu roam free...

Heather Vogel Frederick

It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

Daniel Tosh

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

Daniel Tosh

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

Benny Bellamacina

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

Mindy Levy

Roses are red, Violettes are bllue,Valentines day is consumerous crap,now don't you have ironing to do"Unlikely thing to read in a valentines day card

Mock of the week the show

Another case for the dumbness of reading, however, is that books do not contain answers, but rather pose more questions. And asking questions makes you look dumber, not sma

Dan Wilbur

A few people have ventured to imitate Shakespeare's tragedy. But no audacious spirit has dreamed or dared to imitate Shakespeare's comedy. No one has made any real attempt to recover the loves and the laughter of Elizabethan England. The low dark arches, the low strong pillars upon which Shakespeare's temple rests we can all explore and handle. We can all get into his mere tragedy; we can all explore his dungeon and penetrate into his coal-cellar, but we stretch our hands and crane our necks in vain towards that height where the tall turrets of his levity are tossed towards the sky. Perhaps it is right that this should be so; properly understood, comedy is an even grander thing than tragedy.

G.K. Chesterton

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

Harlan Tarbell

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong

Benny Bellamacina

I'm holding a super-expandable energy-powered towel. I've made friends with space hamsters. I think we've stretched believability rather far, don't you?

Michael S. Atkinson

I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.

Phil Torcivia

Success=Assinchair

Judy Griffith Gill

I sat down on the sofa, surrounded by years of coffee rings and sandwich stains. If the police ever did a DNA test on this sofa, it would be ninety per cent disappointment.

Danny Wallace

...big, strapping macho guys were like liquid diets--they were great for emergencies, but she wouldn't want to be on one all the time.

Stephanie Bond

Says here there's a reward," Mr. Hooks said.Tallie blinked, then remembered Keith had added that tidbit for incentive. She opened her purse and scrutinized the contents of her slim wallet--twelve dollars and a book of stamps. She handed over the ten and the stamps, then tossed in a free drink coupon from Starbucks. "Thanks." Then she turned and fled.

Stephanie Bond

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

Terry Weible Murphy

DEMETRIUSRelent, sweet Hermia: and, Lysander, yieldThy crazed title to my certain right.LYSANDERYou have her father's love, Demetrius;Let me have Hermia's: do you marry him.

William Shakespeare

QUINCEFrancis Flute, the bellows-mender.FLUTEHere, Peter Quince.QUINCEFlute, you must take Thisby on you.FLUTEWhat is Thisby? a wandering knight?QUINCEIt is the lady that Pyramus must love.FLUTENay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard coming.

William Shakespeare

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

Chris Rock

Commercial comedy's often set up to feature an ironist makingdevastating sport of someone who's naive or sentimental or pretentious orpompous.

David Foster Wallace

What are you doing?” Nine Eleven asked, noticing Seth trying to look around him. He followed Seth's gaze. “Oh.”He turned back around and handed Seth a wry smile. “So what are you going to do about her, Seth? Create a love spell that will bend her to your will and make her your sex slave?”“Is that how you get dates?” Seth asked.

Charlie Fey

The old agility was still present and the passion was undeniable, but it was the wobbling of the gut, the puffing of the cheeks and the profuse sweating that lent the performance its true magic.

Jamie Holoran

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.

Yahtzee Croshaw

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

Bill Hicks

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

Ilona Andrews

That night's show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience "didn't want to see a sketch with two women" can go shit in his hat.

Tina Fey

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

Bill Hicks

He could sit in the dust and dark of the carriage house and rot for the rest of his life. Clearly that's what he wished to do. It was not my place to get in the way of so profound a destiny.

Kristin Bailey

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

Benny Bellamacina

When people get into their 30s plus "boyfriend" sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term "manfriend" or "snookie bookie cuddles pie".

Michelle M. Pillow

Would you like some sacred chocolate?' a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara's side. 'They've very special chocolates,' she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara's direction. 'They're raw and sweetened with Stevia.'Stevia, huh? Lara grabbed a chocolate truffle and popped it into her mouth, winking at the girl. She hoped the 'stevia' would kick in soon, because frankly, it looked like these women were having a better time than she'd had in ages.

Lola Salt

Now, listen Tyler,' Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on someone else's kitchen table.

Lola Salt

Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Hillary DePiano

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour he hadn't been holding one.

Robert Lynn Asprin

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

A.J. Wiliams

CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and rot for many a year? Nay, but those fellows tooketh care to remove the wetness that didst plagueth me of late and hath laid me upon the cool ground to revel in a state of dryness. Nay, I wouldst not delay them in their noble course for all thine base and bestial howling.CREONTA: Then, you, dearest donkey, precious beast of burden, tear those two apart and eat their flesh!DONKEY: Nay, but alas for many a season didst you but keep the food of the tummy from me and my mouth when it was that I required it of you. These fine gentlemen of fortune didst but give me carrots of which to partake which I did most verily and forthsoothe with merriment. I havest decided that thou dost suck most verily and no longer will I layth the smackth down in thine name but will rather let such gentlemen as these go free of themselves. TRUFFALDINO: [To the audience.] Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

Hillary DePiano

Sir, he hath not fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; He hath not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink; his intellect is not replenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in the duller parts... (Act IV, Scene II)

William Shakespeare

It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer." Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.

Kaal Kaczmarek

I'm gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up," she told Hazel solemnly.Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. "That's a good thing to be, Julia.""Although," Frank said. "Frank Zhang would be good too.

Rick Riordan

Hey Circe, how come your horoscope predictions are never that a hot girl is gonna fall madly in love with me forever and ever?”“Uh, cause you're a dork Seth!” She taunted.“Oh yeah,” Seth said happily smiling at her. “That explains the devastating loneliness and constant abuse by alpha males…

Charlie Fey

My dad used to tell me that laughter was like a cough or a sneeze - the body's way of trying to expel something. But instead of some phlegm in your throat, or some dust up your nose, a laugh happened when something really true got into your brain. Something so true that your system just couldn't stand it.

J. Ross Clara

Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don't, no matter how funny they are.

Roy Station

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

George Carlin

When I was in eighth grade, I used a self-timing camera to take nude pictures of myself in various stages of erection. I then exchanged my biology teacher’s slides with the images. The teacher, in a state of panic, kept rapidly pressing the ‘next’ button. It was like a pornographic flip-book. That was the last straw in a very heavy pile of straws. I was expelled, and I ended up transferring mid-year from boarding school to a public school near home.

Dani Alexander

Ain't nothing going to eat you while Bubba's around." Caleb laughed. "They might toy with him for a bit but he won't let any past." Caleb to Nick."Is something wrong?" Nick to Bubba"Nah... I just..." Bubba nervous."Please, God, Bubba, tell me you're not about to ask me out, are you?" Nick to Bubba.Bubba made a rude sound at him. "Hell, nah. I'd date Mark first, provided he took a bath so I wouldn't have to fumigate my truck or store.""But," Bubba continued, "now that you mention it... that is what I wanted to ask you about.""Dating Mark? Really?" Nick to Bubba.'Cause the kid with a brand-new license was such an expert on going out with others.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

I had one friend with same-sex orientation, and Dana hadn't spoken to me since I asked her to describe her honeymoon in graphic detail—and then made vibrator noises.

Dani Alexander

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark

Graham Chapman

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

Steve Martin

Support your partner in their interests. You never know when batting practice, kung fu movie moves, or even a poker night might come in handy during a zombie infestation.

Jesse Petersen

Make requests, not demands. "Please" kill that zombie, honey, I'm out of bullets.

Jesse Petersen

I couldn't have made a better shot, if I had been one of those detectives who see a chap walking along the street and deduce that he is a retired manufacturer of poppet valves named Robinson with rheumatism in one arm, living at Clapham.

P.G. Wodehouse

The effort really to see and really to represent is no idle business in face of the constant force that makes for muddlement. The great thing is indeed that the muddled state too is one of the very sharpest of the realities, that it also has color and form and character, has often in fact a broad and rich comicality.

Henry James

Build mutual friendships. Just be ready to end them when your friends start trying to eat you.

Jesse Petersen

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment.

Laurie Notaro

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Comedy Quotes

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