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I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I'm almost finished. I numbered the pages. Now all I have to do is fill them in.
Steven Wright
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
Steven Wright
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
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So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
Steven Wright
Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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