Quotes by Comedians - Page 22

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians. (Earth (The Book), p. 36)
Jon Stewart
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Johnny Carson
We gave you a perfectly good language and you f***ed up.
Stephen Fry
So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.
Kathy Griffin
Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!
Eddie Izzard
There are all kinds of pedants around with more time to read and imitate Lynne Truss and John Humphrys than to write poems, love-letters, novels and stories it seems. They whip out their Sharpies and take away and add apostrophes from public signs, shake their heads at prepositions which end sentences and mutter at split infinitives and misspellings, but do they bubble and froth and slobber and cream with joy at language? Do they ever let the tripping of the tips of their tongues against the tops of their teeth transport them to giddy euphoric bliss? Do they ever yoke impossible words together for the sound-sex of it? Do they use language to seduce, charm, excite, please, affirm and tickle those they talk to? Do they? I doubt it. They’re too farting busy sneering at a greengrocer’s less than perfect use of the apostrophe. Well sod them to Hades. They think they’re guardians of language. They’re no more guardians of language than the Kennel Club is the guardian of dogkind.
Stephen Fry
Used a replica gun to steal a replica sportscar and experienced a replica of remorse
Steve Aylett
Since childhood I’d been suspected of imagination
Steve Aylett
I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.
Patton Oswalt
We kept our heads down and did our jobs. We controlled the only thing we could, which was the show. We did the thing. Because remember, the talking about the thing isn't the thing. The doing of the thing is the thing.
Amy Poehler
The landscape had been so maimed by this new kind of warfare it was as if human architects of great genius had sat down to plan hell, since no two of them could agree on the design of heaven.
Christopher Buehlman
It's why I get miffed at all the dashing around in recent zombie films. It completely misses the point; transforms the threat to a straightforward physical danger from the zombies themselves, rather than our own inability to avoid them and these films are about us, not them. There's far more meat on the bones of the latter, far more juicy interpretation to get our teeth into. The first zombie is by comparison thin and one dimensional and ironically, it is down to all the exercise.
Simon Pegg
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself.
Bill Hicks
I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?
Bill Maher
We might not know we are seeking people who best enrich our lives, but somehow on a deep subconscious level we absolutely are. Whether the bond is temporary or permanent, whether it succeeds or fails, fate is simply a configuration of choices that combine with others to shape the relationships that surround us. We cannot choose our family, but we can choose our friends, and we sometimes, before we even meet them.
Simon Pegg
Plainly it isn't an exact science, despite it being a complex interaction of micro-decisions and corresponding thought; perhaps it doesn't always work and we pass by some potential soulmates like the proverbial ships in the night, never quite connecting. Then again, perhaps the system is tenacious and continues to run like a computer program on infinite loop, so that if at first you don't meet, you are drawn back together for another try.
Simon Pegg
If there is no fate and our interactions depend on such a complex system of chance encounters, what potentially important connections do we fail to make? What life changing relationships or passionate and lasting love affairs are lost to chance?
Simon Pegg
In essence, Satan doesn't want you to believe what God thinks of Himself and what God thinks about you.
Ralph Harris
Let's end by pointing out all the positive ways you can scare yourself and feel alive. You can tell someone you love them first. You can try to speak only the truth for a whole week. You can jump out of an airplane or spend Christmas day all by your lonesome. You can help people who need help and fight real bad guys. You can dance fast or take an improv class or do one of those Ironman things. Adventure and danger can be good for your heart and soul.
Amy Poehler
My therapist and I even have a joke about it: shit is truly fucked up when I start threatening to take a road trip.
Chris Gethard
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
Craig Ferguson
The expectation that TV women need to be more likeable than men is bullshit and in need of a change.
Mindy Kaling
She lives the poetry she cannot write
Larry Wilde
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does
Groucho Marx
There are so many people in the world with so little. Who cares why you decide to help?
Amy Poehler
The tricky thing about the hood is that you’re always working, working, working, and you feel like something’s happening, but really nothing’s happening at all.
Trevor Noah
The world has been taught to be scared of him, but the reality is that he is scared of the world because he has none of the tools necessary to cope with it.
Trevor Noah
If you can't afford the good food or if you can't afford health care or if you don't have a job or if your car is dangerous because you can't get it fixed and you DIE, you just lost the game-bzzzzz-thanks for playing extreme capitalism.
Marc Maron
One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird sigh when you sat down on it. I'm not a germaphobe or anything like that, but it is weird to think about all the ass time this seat had seen before we moved in. This is a horrible invention. What's the plan? You want to create a toilet seat so comfortable that you can fall asleep while you're taking a shit? You're going to show up late for work or end up like Elvis.
Adam Carolla
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
You gotta want it.
Bill Murray
Another example of getting flack from the boys is what happened when Jack Black dumped me. That’s right. I fucked Jack Black. Okay, we went out only two or three times, but that’s a relationship in my book. And by the way, this is my book.
Kathy Griffin
The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.
Flip Wilson
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).
Demetri Martin
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?
Demetri Martin
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Demetri Martin
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
Groucho Marx
No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.
Demetri Martin
Teeny, it’ll never be a fair fight with Harry. You’re his Cadillac Ranch…but he’s your Chernobyl.” ~ Ruthie
Anna Lefler
Cup of JoeThere's nothing like a cup of joe,when the morning's grey and grim and slow,when the streets collide with the world outside,when litter lies where lilies grow.Just drink that smoking cup of blackand feel your feelings surging back.Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shopwill sprout up from a sidewalk crack!
Bo Burnham
I have the Angela Jolie of vaginas.
Amy Poehler
I am in the prime of my womanhood, nunga-nungas poised and trembling (attractively). Lips puckered up and in peak condition for a snogging fest.
Louise Rennison
Yo! Hold my poodle!
Shawn Wayans
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
Gary Shandling
One of our professors described a lecture as 'a mystical process by which the notes on the pad of the lecturer pass on to the pad of the student, without passing through the mind of either'.
John Cleese
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
George Carlin
I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.
Victor Borge
Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, 'Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair if it is going to be held against me. But that is your way. And I am not questioning your wisdomosity. In future, however, would it be possible for my life to be not so entirely crap? Thank you.
Louise Rennison
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
Jerry Seinfeld
I know my worth. I embrace my power. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story. I will. I'll speak and share and fuck and love, and I will never apologise for it. I am amazing for you, not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.
Amy Schumer
Love yourself. You don’t need a man, or a boy, or a self-proclaimed love expert to tell you what you’re worth. Your power comes from who you are and what you do. You don’t need all that noise – that constant hum in the background telling you whether or not you’re good enough.
Amy Schumer
...write your own part. It is the only way I've gotten anywhere. It is much harder work, but sometimes you have to take destiny into your own hands. It forces you to think about what your strengths really are, and once you find them, you can showcase them, and no one can stop you.
Mindy Kaling
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
Dick Gregory
There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?
Ellen DeGeneres
I like to think of this little [newspaper] column as a brassière, or do I mean brasserie? Brazier, possibly. All three! A column that lifts, separates, supports, serves excellent cappuccino and crackles merrily with sweet-smelling old chestnuts.
Stephen Fry
Girls, if a boy says something that isn't funny, you don't have to laugh.
Amy Poehler
Surround yourself with people who are the ketchup to your french fries-they make you a better version of yourself. Yes french fries are amazing on their own, but combined with ketchup they are a force. Spend time with people who bring out your true flavors, but don’t overpower you.
Grace Helbig
You know how I say, ‘Don’t ask anyone how to get somewhere unless they have been there?’ Well, I have been there – I have written, been published, found success, and experienced self-doubt, frustration, anger and disappointment along the way … But you know what? I have not been to the place you’re going to. This is your journey. Your destination. Disregard everything in this book. Or embrace it. Better yet: cherry pick. It’s your life.
Catherine Deveny
You gotta look out for number one, but don't step in number two!
Rodney Dangerfield