Quotes by Comedians - Page 20

If you give people a chance, they shine.
Billy Connolly
The dogs left with us and we walked. I sobbed the whole way home, still heartbroken. My mom had no time for my whining.“Why are you crying?!”“Because Fufi loves another boy.”“So? Why would that hurt you? It didn’t cost you anything. Fufi’s here. She still loves you. She’s still your dog. So get over it.”Fufi was my first heartbreak. No one has ever betrayed me more than Fufi. It was a valuable lesson to me. The hard thing was understanding that Fufi wasn’t cheating on me with another boy. She was merely living her life to the fullest. Until I knew that she was going out on her own during the day, her other relationship hadn’t affected me at all. Fufi had no malicious intent.I believed that Fufi was my dog, but of course that wasn’t true. Fufi was a dog. I was a boy. We got along well. She happened to live in my house. That experience shaped what I’ve felt about relationships for the rest of my life: You do not own the thing that you love. I was lucky to learn that lesson at such a young age. I have so many friends who still, as adults, wrestle with feelings of betrayal. They’ll come to me angry and crying and talking about how they’ve been cheated on and lied to, and I feel for them. I understand what they’re going through. I sit with them and buy them a drink and I say, “Friend, let me tell you the story of Fufi.
Trevor Noah
Jealousy always trumps schadenfreude! It’s a rule from the heartbreak version of ‘rock, paper, scissors.
Julie Klausner
People May Hate You For Being Different and Not Living By Society's Standards,but Deep Down,They Wish They Had The Courage To Do The Same.
Kevin Hart
My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
George Carlin
Not everything's funny, Mother.""No," said Leola, "so I guess when you can laugh,, it's all the sweeter.
Lorna Landvik
If you're too serious to make life a laughing matter, then you seriously need to make laughter matter to you today and every day!
Jeannine M. Luby
By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.
Russell Brand
As every languageless, stateless, selfless nation has one last, twisted image of its worst and best, we have the ceilidh. Here we pretend we are Highland, pretend we have mysteries in our work, pretend we have work. We forget our record of atrocities wherever we have been made masters and become comfortable servants again. Our present and our past creep in to change each other and we feel angry and sad and Scottish. Perhaps we feel free.
A.L. Kennedy
Try being a white person who adopts the trappings of black culture while still living in the white community. You will face more hate and ridicule and ostracism than you can even begin to fathom. People are willing to accept you if they see you as an outsider trying to assimilate into their world. But when they see you as a fellow tribe member attempting to disavow the tribe, that is something they will never forgive. That is what happened to me in Eden Park.
Trevor Noah
I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t judge at all. It just is.
George Carlin
Humor is just another defense against theuniverse.
Mel Brooks
If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.
Joe Rogan
After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun
Stephen Colbert
I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.
Bill Maher
It seems to me that they only seem to mention things in the Bible that are within a 5 mile radius of the guy writing it.
Jim Jefferies
If the Old Testament were a reliable guide in the matter of capital punishment, half the people in the United States would have to be killed tomorrow.
Steve Allen
The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.
Mark Russell
King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.
Mark Russell
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
Bob Monkhouse
If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.
Bill Maher
New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms.
Bill Maher
I know for an absolute fact that if I ate a meal at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants, I would be able to taste his anger.
John Cheese
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called 'barbecue'.
Jim Gaffigan
I resent when I go out to dinner and they try to sell me the healthy food for the same price as the good food.
Jim Gaffigan
I love the phrase "I have a sweet tooth." I always want to say, "You're ordering it for your tooth? That's interesting, because it's going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.
Jim Gaffigan
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? I imagine it was some weird marketing meeting over in France.
Jim Gaffigan
You get all these different cuts of meat cooking at once' he said. 'You've got your sausage, which cooks fast. You've got your big steak, which is your best cut, which takes some time, right? You got to talk to all these girls at once just like you take care of all that meat at once'After he made this analogy, I presented Ajay with a trophy that said 'Most Sexist Food Analogy of All Time: Meat and BBQ division'.
Aziz Ansari
I can’t for the life of me not eat something that I want to eat. You know how if you turned on a faucet in your sink to wash your hands, the idea of leaving the bathroom without turning it off is insane? That’s how I am about ignoring delicious food.
Mindy Kaling
In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. 'Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.
Jim Gaffigan
There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.
Jim Gaffigan
Have you ever wondered how to commit human sacrifice and destroy all the evidence while having a delicious meal all at the same time? It’s called cannibalism and all it means is eating another human being. It’s not that hard.
Tim Heidecker
It appears your son was 85 percent curry!
Danny Wallace
Is food a substitute for love? No, love is a substitute for food. And a pretty poor substitute at that.
Rohan Candappa
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
Craig Ferguson
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Jo Brand
If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism.
Chelsea Handler
A mundane lie hiding an exotic truth is deception; an exotic lie hiding a mundane truth is storytelling. Deception may be necessary to preserve life, but storytelling makes life worth living.
Christopher Buehlman
If your argument is based on a lie, you shouldn't make it.
T.J. Kirk
I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.
Roseanne Barr
Parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.
Bill Cosby
My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasn't the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever you'd go up to her room to cuddle with her, she'd pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.
Chelsea Handler
I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it's for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.
Jim Gaffigan
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.
Jim Gaffigan
Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that." They never want to go to bed. This is is another thing that I will never have in common with my children.
Jim Gaffigan
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?
Jim Gaffigan
When your mom was not in labor yelling at me, she made me laugh so hard.
Jim Gaffigan
I feel guilty when I feed them unhealthy food they like. I feel guilty when I feed them healthy food they don’t like. I feel guilty when I drop them off at school. I feel guilty when I pick them up at school. I feel guilty mostly for writing this book instead of spending time with them.
Jim Gaffigan
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
In my entire life, I never once heard either of my parents say they were stressed. That was just not a phrase I grew up being allowed to say. That, and the concept of "Me time".
Mindy Kaling
My mom is cool and my mom will treat you right.
Sam Hyde
One day you’re going to get arrested, and when you do, don’t call me. I’ll tell the police to lock you up just to teach you a lesson.” Because there were some black parents who’d actually do that, not pay their kid’s bail, not hire their kid a lawyer—the ultimate tough love. But it doesn’t always work, because you’re giving the kid tough love when maybe he just needs love. You’re trying to teach him a lesson, and now that lesson is the rest of his life.
Trevor Noah
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Read it wisely, Little One, for the power of ignorance is great.
Stephen Fry
I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.
Bill Maher
And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature the Jews possessed when killing their Lord Jesus. I didn't know if I was hearing this right because I had become so intoxicated, but I couldn't believe that anyone would talk about religion while on vacation. How could Miss Nebraska think this was a proper environment to discuss something so controversial? One woman went on to say that if she had her way not only would President Bush serve a second four-year term, but she hoped they would overturn Roe v. Wade. This woman was obviously a menace to society and needed to be stopped.
Chelsea Handler
I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.
Bill Maher