Quotes by Comedians - Page 11

Everyone who is a comedian or an actor or a musician have many people who influenced them. They in turn influence others. It is a great thing that is handed down. We need to know our history because our art is created from the re-imaginings from our minds with the seeds of the greats who combined as a potpourri in our heads to create something new. You can see it in my stand up. You can hear it in the music of today
Johnny Corn
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Marcus Brigstocke
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
Craig Ferguson
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.
Joe Rogan
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
Craig Ferguson
So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian.
Louise Rennison
The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.
John Cleese
Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others.The same applies when you are stupid.
Ricky Gervais
I’m different,” said the Kid. “My gran always said I was half clever, half stupid, and half crazy.
Charlie Higson
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?
Jon Stewart
People are tired of this mainstream shit; television and radio is ghastly and the public can smell the corporate meeting. When you watch a show with Simon Cowell, you know no human touch has been near it, that they've carefully engineered the outcome and picked those they're going to humiliate. We live in an age of information glut, but so many people don't question what they're spoon-fed or bother to search for themselves.
Greg Proops
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Stephen Colbert
Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.
Jon Stewart
Alternative facts and fake news are just other names for propaganda
Johnny Corn
If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.
Jon Stewart
The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover.
Al Franken
The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.
Jon Stewart
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
Craig Ferguson
Laughter is a tangible evidence of hope.
Michael Jr.
In life, you can choose to cry about the bullshit that happens to you or you can choose to laugh about it. I choose laughter.
Kevin Hart
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
Craig Ferguson
See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane.
Robin McLaurin Williams
The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.
Dave Chappelle
That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.
Bill Maher
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W.C.Fields
I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.
Greg Proops
THE HOLIDAYS ARE RUINED!This book is one page long and just contains that one sentence.
Amy Poehler
Those unexpected morality lessons provided by the trip had jolted me into some kind of action. It was time to jettison the past before the present jettisoned me. This was my first veiled attempt at recovery. Although perhaps I was just running away again. I returned to Glasgow, planning to say a final goodbye to Anne and get out of her life, but ended up drinking with buddies in the Chip Bar and never seeing her. I called her instead to say I was moving to London and told her she could have the house and everything else we owned, which wasn't much. I think she was as relieved as I was that I was leaving town for good.
Craig Ferguson
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Groucho Marx
Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let's put jewellery on each other and dance
Jimmy Kimmel
Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everyone else.
Chris Rock
Does the mainstream media have a liberal bias? On a couple of things, maybe. Compared to the American public at large, probably a slightly higher percentage of journalists, because of thier enhanced power of discernment, realize they know a gay person or two, and are, therefore, less frightened of them.
Al Franken
We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!
Bill Maher
Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.
Bill Maher
Dan: 'Ah, well, I hope this didn't have anything to do with me.'Ellen: 'No, not unless you played Cat Woman in Batman.
Ellen DeGeneres
Author? Author? Did you write these legs?''Yes."'Well, I don't like dem. I don't like 'em at all at all. I could ha' writted better legs meself.
Spike Milligan
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
Craig Ferguson
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Craig Ferguson
If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.
Bill Maher
New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit?
Bill Maher
New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby.
Bill Maher
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
George Carlin
I think it's my memory of this period that makes me fantasise about living in the country. In reality I know there would be no shops and I would kill myself.
Frankie Boyle
New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids.
Bill Maher
I wish there wasn't such a division between people who believe certain things and people who don't. It seems vastly hypocritical on both ends, these two groups of people both claiming to believe in good things and yet willing to do bad things to each other for disagreeing.
Kevin Breel
Be led by your talent, not by your self-loathing; those other things you just have to manage.
Russell Brand
Terry Gilliam has spoken scathingly about my preference for physical comfort. I have come to the conclusion that this is very much his problem.
John Cleese
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
Craig Ferguson
Mental health is one of the last great taboos.
Stephen Fry
And don't go whining to God about it. It was pretty clear that there was no God up there, no kindly old gent looking down, keeping score in a notebook. You did good, you did bad, it didn't make any difference, did it? This one's going to heaven, this one's going to hell, this one's going to Disneyland.No. God wouldn't have let any of this shit happen. If you were going to believe in anything, then believe in the devil. He was much more real than God. Up there causing mischief. Laughing at the chaos he'd created.
Charlie Higson
The big one was at least cute, and as annoying as she was, you couldn't get mad at a golden retriever.
Chelsea Handler
My dog is half pit-bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
Craig Shoemaker
I sometimes look into the face of my dog Stan and see a wistful sadness and existential angst, when all he is actually doing is slowly scanning the ceiling for flies.
Merrill Markoe
Entitlement is simply the belief that you deserve something. Which is great. The hard part is, you'd better make sure you deserve it. So, how did I make sure that I deserved it?To answer that, I would like to quote from the Twitter bio of one of my favorite people, Kevin Hart. It reads:My name is Kevin Hart and I WORK HARD!!! That pretty much sums me up!!! Everybody Wants To Be Famous But Nobody Wants To Do The Work!
Mindy Kaling
You can be an expert on anything if you just use logic.
Adam Carolla
The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid presses a little button in your mind that should never be pressed
Craig Ferguson
Who needs drugs when you have Takeshi's Castle?
Craig Charles
New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was what I always thought it was: mad cow. No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her—which, in the medical field, is known as the “full Limbaugh.” They opened her up, and a Walgreens jumped out. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety pills, sleeping pills, sedatives, Valium, methadone—this woman was killed by her doctor, who is a glorified bartender. I’m not going to say his name, but only because (a) I don’t want to get sued, and (b) my back is killing me.This month marks the thirty-fifth anniversary of a famous government report. I was sixteen in 1972, and I remember how excited we were when Nixon’s much ballyhooed National Commission on Drug Abuse came out and said pot should be legalized. It was a moment of great hope for common sense—and then, just like Bush did with the Iraq Study Group, Nixon took the report and threw it in the garbage, and from there the ’70s went right into disco and colored underpants.This week in American Scientist, a magazine George Bush wouldn’t read if he got food poisoning in Mexico and it was the only thing he could reach from the toilet, described a study done in England that measured the lethality of various drugs, and found tobacco and alcohol far worse than pot, LSD, or Ecstasy—which pretty much mirrors my own experiments in this same area. The Beatles took LSD and wrote Sgt. Pepper—Anna Nicole Smith took legal drugs and couldn’t remember the number for nine-one-one.I wish I had more time to go into the fact that the drug war has always been about keeping black men from voting by finding out what they’re addicted to and making it illegal—it’s a miracle our government hasn’t outlawed fat white women yet—but I leave with one request: Would someone please just make a bumper sticker that says, “I’m a stoner, and I vote.
Bill Maher