Phyllis Diller Quotes

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Phyllis Diller
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.
Phyllis Diller
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller