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May 19, 1981
American
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Author
May 19, 1981
I finally made eye contact with the boy in the bed. He lay on his side, a tube in his nose and another in his vein. His cheeks were sunken, and his skin was ghostly pale. His hair might have been blond, but it was fading into a gray, making it hard to tell. The only part of this boy that held any life at all were his eyes, which brimmed with tears when he saw me.“Kahlen?”I sat still. These three people all called me by the same name, which sounded sort of like Katlyn and Ellen and made me believe that maybe they actually knew me.“Where did you go? Where have you been? I thought you were dead.” His chest worked overtime, trying to keep up with his mouth, spilling over with words.“Can you get her a pen? Please?” He lifted an arm weakly. It was all bone. “I just need to know.”“A pen?” I asked.Once again his eyes lit up.“You can talk?”I stared at this boy, at how he was overjoyed at one of the most basic things a person could do. “So it would seem.” I smiled.He flopped onto his back, laughing from his gut, and based on Julie’s tears, I was guessing she’d been waiting a long time for that to come back.
Kiera Cass
I looked at him and the other two people whose names I’d just learned. “So . . . so this is home then?”Akinli looked at me, perplexed, then turned to Ben and Julie.“She said some girls left her here and told her it was home. That’s all she knows. She doesn’t even know you.” Julie wiped at her tears, trying to calm herself.He moved his eyes back to me as quickly as he could manage. “Kahlen? You remember me, right?”I stared into this face, searching for something familiar. I didn’t recognize the angle of his chin, the length of his fingers. I didn’t know the slope of his shoulder or the shape of his lips.“Akinli, right?” I asked. This poor boy. I pitied him in the depths of my heart. Clearly, he’d already been going through something, and I could see the last scrap of fight he had in him dying with those words.“Yes.”“I don’t remember ever seeing you before in my life. I’m sorry.”He pressed his lips together as if he was swallowing the urge to cry.“But,” I said, “I know your voice. I know it as if it were my own.
Kiera Cass
She wanted to be herself at all costs.
Kiera Cass
At the end of the day, I can't force any of you to treat people the way you should. But it should be on your conscience that whatever law I pass won't do much unless each of you takes it upon yourself to show kindness to your fellow citizens.
Kiera Cass
Could it be that simple? Tell one story to one generation and repeat it until it was accepted as fact?
Kiera Cass
I instantly dragged my fingers across a shelf of book spines, in love with each one already. Books were a safe place, a world apart from my own. No matter what had happened that day, that year, there was always a story in which someone overcame their darkest hour. I wasn't alone.
Kiera Cass
But I guessed she would never stop wanting more for me, more from me. Maybe that’s what mothers did.
Kiera Cass
I'm not so stupid as to believe that you've completely forgotten about your former boyfriend. I know you think there are others here more suited for me and this life, and I wouldn't want you to rush into trying to be happy with any of this. I just... I just want to know if it's possible...
Kiera Cass
You can be quiet and go back to kissing me, or you can leave.
Kiera Cass
Sometimes you have to give the hurt a noise and let it out. If you don’t, it fills you up with its emptiness.
Kiera Cass
That's why you can't give up. Heroes don't give up.
Kiera Cass
And when he broke, it was a miracle he managed to find all the pieces of himself again.
Kiera Cass
It was a delicious feeling, falling in love. I'd had so many luxuries in my life, and I thought I'd had a taste of this before, but I realized now it was merely a cheap imitation of something not meant to be imitated in the first place.
Kiera Cass
Eventually you will find something to put that energy into and you will be unstoppable. Even now with something you take no joy in, you do your task dutifuly, because it's all you can do. There's something beautiful in that, Collin.
Kiera Cass
It was over, and I knew that. But you don't love someone for almost two years and then turn it off overnight...
Kiera Cass
Luck was fine and well, but I didn't need it. I had a plan.
Kiera Cass
It's amazing how photography can capture just a split second of something exquisite.
Kiera Cass
I had been so mad at him when I left, I'd given them back. All except for the one that stuck to the bottom of the jar.He smiled. "They're at home, waiting.""For what?"His eyes glittered. "That, I cannot say.
Kiera Cass
Maybe this isn't the right thing to say, but I want you to know: When you ran for the stage, I've never been so proud of you in all my life. You've always been beautiful; you've always been talented. And now I know that your moral compass is perfectly aligned, that you see clearly when things are wrong, and you do everything you can to stop it. As a father, I can't ask for more. I love you America. And I'm so so proud.
Kiera Cass
I sense that you won’t let the world push you into a life you don’t want. Maybe I’m wrong so let me at least say this: Fight, America. You might not want to fight for the things that most others would fight for, like money or notoriety, but fight all the same. Whatever it is that you want, America, go after it with all that you have in you. If you can keep from letting fear make you settle for second best, then I can’t ask for anything more from you. Live your life. Be as happy as you can be, let go of the things that don’t matter, and fight.
Kiera Cass
But if it was always a point of speculation, where one person insisted it was a certain way and another denied it, how would anyone ever hold on to the truth?
Kiera Cass
When we’d all settled down from that first night, Julie found a bag on the porch, which we thought must have been left by the same three girls who had brought me to them. Just like the clues on my skin, I’d only been left with two worldly possessions. The first was a wad of cash that I immediately handed to Ben and Julie as compensation for giving me a home. Most of it went to pay for Akinli’s medical bills, which was fine with me. I didn’t know if there was a word bigger than soul mates, something that meant the feeling of being so connected that it was hard to tell where one person ended and the other began. If there was, that word belonged to Akinli and me.The second thing was a bottle of water. It was so peculiar, this water, a blue that was both dark and brilliant, too thick to see through but still carrying light. No matter the season, it was always cold, and there were tiny shells in it that never settled.Sometimes I slept with it, even though it was cold enough to wake me up if I rolled on it the wrong way. It was the only clue I had to tell me who I had been before the night I was left on the porch, and I loved it second only to Akinli.Somehow, I knew that this love was important, as if treasuring the water meant I treasured myself. And I did. I loved my recovering body, I loved my blue-eyed soul mate, I loved my adopted family.I held the water to my chest, and I loved.
Kiera Cass
Elizabeth nodded, looking too dejected to do much more. “Can she just go back to him?” she pleaded. “He’s dying. She’s dying. They can’t have a life together, but at least they could have th
Kiera Cass
Please don't cry, darling. I'd spare you tears for the rest of your life if I could
Kiera Cass
Let her go!" That was a new voice, young but full of authority. ... There was Prince Maxon...."Open the doors.""But-Your Majesty-""Open the doors now and let her go. Now!
Kiera Cass
Would you like me to let you go home to your love today?" he asked. It was obvious that my preference for someone else bothered him, but instead of choosing to ve angry, he showed compassion.
Kiera Cass
I got the groceries and lugged them all the way to Akinli’s dorm, running slightly behind because I couldn’t get into the building on my own. The university required ID cards to get into the dorms after six, and since I wasn’t an actual student, I had to wait for someone else to come along and scan his so I could piggyback in.“You need some help?” the boy asked, his eyes lingering on my mouth.I shook my head no.“Aww, come on. That’s way too heavy for you.”He came closer, and again I cursed our natural appeal. I wasn’t in danger exactly, and I knew that, but it didn’t make these encounters any less uncomfortable. I shook my head again.“No, really, which floor are you on? I can—”“Hey, Kahlen!” I looked up to see Akinli walking down the hall. His button-up was open over the gray shirt beneath it, but I was thrilled to see that he’d at least put one on. “I was starting to worry. Hey, Sam.”“Hey.” The boy gave Akinli a look and headed toward the stairwell, his displeasure at Akinli’s arrival clear. In the meantime, I felt my mood lift significantly. I was now officially on my first date.
Kiera Cass
When we died, no one would know, and that fraction of a moment that was so important to who we were would be gone.
Kiera Cass
When we were in New York, you cried for two days and passed out. You said a word in your sleep, over and over. Akinli.” Elizabeth stared down at the drawing.“At first I thought it was gibberish. And then I thought it was the name of a town or a building. . . . I didn’t figure out it belonged to a person until you made that.” Elizabeth pointed down to the paper, worn from being folded and unfolded who knew how many times.“When Elizabeth came to me, I had to tell her the truth, and we decided to find him. You gave us the name of the town. We went there looking for someone answering to that name, fitting this image.” Miaka smiled ruefully. “Very small town. It wasn’t hard.”Tears pooled in my eyes. “You’ve really seen him?”They both nodded. I thought about all those trips they had taken, making up ridiculous stories so they could get to him without me knowing.“How is he?” I asked, unable to contain my curiosity. “Is he okay? Has he gone back to school? Is he still with Ben and Julie? Is he happy? Could you tell? Is he happy?”The questions tumbled out without me being able to hold them in. I was desperate to know. I felt a single word would put my soul at ease.Elizabeth swallowed hard. “That’s the thing, Kahlen. We’re afraid he’s dying.
Kiera Cass
I cannot explain how two souls join. No man or element or god ever could. But you are tied to each other. Because of that—because of your true, consuming, pure love—you will thrive together . . . or you will perish together.“I don’t understand.” I swallowed, trying to make sense of it all.If he hadn’t heard your voice, he’d be fine. But once he aged, however many years from now that might come, you would have found yourself deteriorating then. Or if you had disobeyed Me so fully that I had to kill you, he’d have died in the same breath. You are tied through your souls. Now, what happens to one body happens to the other. And since your voice has taken hold of him, killing him slowly, you fall down with him. Slower, of course, as you are still Mine. But it will consume you eventually, all the same.
Kiera Cass
What’s it like to be in love?”"It’s the most wonderful and terrible thing that can ever happen to you,
Kiera Cass
You have to embrace the idea of imperfection, even in the thing that is most perfect for you.
Kiera Cass
Perfect was my only option.
Kiera Cass
You might not want to fight for the things that others would fight for, like money or notoriety, but fight all the same. Whatever it is that you want, go after it with all that you have in you.
Kiera Cass
Prince Maxon surveyed the room and found me. Our eye met for a moment, and he smiled.
Kiera Cass
I can text in complete sentences. Oh, yeah, it’s a skill.” He smiled, proud of his accomplishments. “And, thanks to my mom being a competitive dancer as a teen, I know how to do the Lindy hop and the jitterbug.”I sat bolt upright, and Akinli rolled his eyes.“I swear, if you tell me you can jitterbug, I’m going to . . . I don’t even know. Set something on fire. No one can dance like that.”I pursed my lips and dusted off my shoulder, a thing I’d seen Elizabeth do when she was bragging.As if he was accepting a challenge, he shrugged off his backpack and stood, holding out a hand for me.I took it and positioned myself in front of him as he shook his head, grinning.“All right, we’ll take this slow. Five, six, seven, eight.”In unison, we rock stepped and triple stepped, falling into the rhythm in our head. After a minute, he got brave and swung me around, lining me up for those peppy kicks I loved so much.People walked by, pointing and laughing, but it was one of those moments when I knew we weren’t being mocked; we were being envied.We stepped on each other’s toes more than once, and after he accidentally knocked his head into my shoulder, he threw his hands up.“Unbelievable,” he said, almost as if he was complaining. “I can’t wait to tell my mom this. She’s gonna think I’m lying. All those years dancing in the kitchen thinking I was special, and then I run across a master.
Kiera Cass
They got under each of my shoulders and pulled me up, Padma walking in front of me and holding her arms out for good measure. I walked on my own, but I knew that if they hadn’t been there, I might have fallen more than once. Side by side, we marched into the Ocean, all of us crying for
Kiera Cass
When you know who matters most to you, giving things up, even yourself, doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice.
Kiera Cass
December 27, 11:00 p.m.My Dear America,I’ve never written a love letter, so forgive me if I fail now. . . .The simple thing would be to say that I love you. But, in truth, it’s so much more than that. I want you, America. I need you.I’ve held back so much from you out of fear. I’m afraid that if I show you everything at once, it will overwhelm you, and you’ll run away. I’m afraid that somewhere in the back of your heart is a love for someone else that will never die. I’m afraid that I will make a mistake again, something so huge that you retreat into that silent world of yours. No scolding from a tutor, no lashing from my father, no isolation in my youth has ever hurt me so much as you separating yourself from me.I keep thinking that it’s there, waiting to come back and strike me. So I’ve held on to all my options, fearing that the moment I wipe them away, you will be standing there with your arms closed, happy to be my friend but unable to be my equal, my queen, my wife.And for you to be my wife is all I want in the world. I love you. I was afraid to admit it for a long time, but I know it now.I would never rejoice in the loss of your father, the sadness you’ve felt since he passed, or the emptiness I’ve experienced since you left. But I’m so grateful that you had to go. I’m not sure how long it would have taken for me to figure this out if I hadn’t had to start trying to imagine a life without you. I know now, with absolute certainty, that is nothing I want.I wish I was as true an artist as you so that I could find a way to tell you what you’ve become to me. America, my love, you are sunlight falling through trees. You are laughter that breaks through sadness. You are the breeze on a too-warm day. You are clarity in the midst of confusion.You are not the world, but you are everything that makes the world good. Without you, my life would still exist, but that’s all it would manage to do.You said that to get things right one of us would have to take a leap of faith. I think I’ve discovered the canyon that must be leaped, and I hope to find you waiting for me on the other side.I love you, America.Yours forever,Maxon
Kiera Cass
I’d waited an eternity for this. I’d have waited all over again if I had to. I was meant to kiss this boy, designed to be held by him.
Kiera Cass
Maybe it's not the first kisses that are meant to be special. Maybe it's the last ones.
Kiera Cass
Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.
Kiera Cass
The picture of me just after I’d found out Aspen was saving up to marry me. I looked radiant, hopeful, beautiful. I looked like I was in love. And some idiot thought that love was for Prince Maxon.
Kiera Cass
She couldn’t have been more than twelve years old. In her hands was a sign that said RED-HEADS RULE! with a little crown painted in the corner and tiny stars everywhere. I knew I was the only redhead in the competition, and I noticed that her hair and mine were very nearly the same shade.
Kiera Cass
My shoes I got to pick. I chose worn-out red flats. I figured I should make it clear from the start that I wasn’t princess material.
Kiera Cass
So here I was expecting at the very best a cordial welcome from the girls who were prepared to fight me to the death for someone I didn’t want. Instead I was embraced.
Kiera Cass
I don’t think any girl in all of Illéa could have been smiling more than me.
Kiera Cass
I had to stop myself from laughing. Who needs help taking a pill?
Kiera Cass
He wasn’t allowed to come with me there—my own rule for thislittle adventure.No more.Good-bye, Aspen.
Kiera Cass
So far, I had a solid collection of my honest opinions…
Kiera Cass
She must have been debating staying in the line or forcing me to run home and change.
Kiera Cass
And Carolina will be cheering on the beautiful daughter of Magda and Shalom Singer, the new Lady America Singer!
Kiera Cass
I thought about the cameras following me in the terminal and pictured my family watching my entrance on TV. I hoped they’d be proud.
Kiera Cass
- Just that. Your family must be very different from mine.- I’d say so. - I laughed. - For one, no one wears their tiaras to breakfast.- Maxon smiled. - More of a dinner thing at the Singer house?”- “Of course.
Kiera Cass
You’re too beautiful for your own good. Once you leave, we’ll have to send some of the guards with you. You’ll never survive on your own, poor thing.
Kiera Cass
He reached up and tugged his ear. And I did the same.
Kiera Cass
No wonder I’d never had any friends. I was shockingly bad at it.
Kiera Cass
I let myself be sad. I let myself think of him.
Kiera Cass
Great. Now the queen thought I was a misfit, too.
Kiera Cass
The Swendish queen— whose name I couldn’t pronounce to save my life.
Kiera Cass
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