Josh Stern Quotes

It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame
Josh Stern
I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers
Josh Stern
I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser...any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance
Josh Stern
It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late
Josh Stern
Date rape is just plain moronic when you consider how slutty figs are
Josh Stern
Don't be so hard on yourself....that's what a loofah's for
Josh Stern
I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first
Josh Stern
the only drinking problem I've ever had, is figuring out why I'm still stuck in this salad spinner
Josh Stern
it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong
Josh Stern
You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order
Josh Stern
I love shark week, all kids swim for free
Josh Stern
If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months
Josh Stern
If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator
Josh Stern
The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification
Josh Stern
Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it
Josh Stern
Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco
Josh Stern
When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow
Josh Stern
Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub
Josh Stern
When people try to rain on your parade,...pee on theirs
Josh Stern
I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free
Josh Stern
Treat life as a suicide mission, take on the impossible jobs and attack with the gusto of someone who has nothing to lose.... and when you revel in victory, make like it's a dirty win
Josh Stern
Blood is thicker than water, but they still use corn starch as a thickener on cooking shows
Josh Stern
Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea
Josh Stern
Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends
Josh Stern
It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!... That's a real talent
Josh Stern
I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear
Josh Stern
I started to enjoy the regal sport of cockfighting... but I'm still having trouble getting the hang of windmilling the bayonet
Josh Stern
Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season
Josh Stern
When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time
Josh Stern
True ambition is trying to paint yourself out of a corner
Josh Stern
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it in summer school
Josh Stern
There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident
Josh Stern
I like gross generalizations...I also like disgusting specifics!
Josh Stern
If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working
Josh Stern
Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window
Josh Stern
Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials....I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months
Josh Stern
Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?
Josh Stern
When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you
Josh Stern
positivity is the father of reinvention
Josh Stern
If positivity is not your mindset, then reset
Josh Stern
If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up
Josh Stern
I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on
Josh Stern
Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of
Josh Stern
If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?
Josh Stern
Women need a reason to have sex, while men just need an angle
Josh Stern
Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette
Josh Stern
Only the good die young, the bad petite-mort
Josh Stern
Behind every successful man, is a Woman breathing through her mouth
Josh Stern
The true genius of a Woman is her subtle flair in creating the illusion that you are the smart one
Josh Stern
If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried
Josh Stern
Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity
Josh Stern
To err is human, to accept full responsibility is to just run with it
Josh Stern
If you love somebody set them free- it also works equally well if you hate somebody
Josh Stern
I hate pulling out... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing....
Josh Stern
Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job
Josh Stern
Sure I eat my feelings, but I save the emotional roller coaster for dessert
Josh Stern
Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff
Josh Stern
The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1
Josh Stern
Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them
Josh Stern
At this point in my life, beaming confidence is largely a matter of mind over bladder control
Josh Stern