Eoin Colfer Quotes

A pity to survive night flights over St. Georges Channel only to crack my skull falling from a ladder.
Eoin Colfer
Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.
Eoin Colfer
Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?"Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity.
Eoin Colfer
The sun was already long past the spire when Garrick purchased a mug of coffee from his regular man on the tip of Oxford Street. But his palate had been educated by 21st century coffee, and he judged this mug as bilge water not fit for the Irish.
Eoin Colfer
Hey, bodyguard. You better get down to the gymnasium. This jumbo pixie guy is killing your sister." "Really?" said Butler, unconvinced. "Really. Juliet just does not seem to be herself. She can't put two moves together. It's pathetic, really. Everybody is betting against her." "I see," said Butler, straightening. Mulch held the door. "It's going to make things really interesting when you show up to help." Butler grinned. "I'm not coming to help. I just want to be there when she stops faking." "Ah," said Mulch, comprehension dawning on his face. "So I should switch my bet to Juliet?" "You certainly should" said Butler.
Eoin Colfer
I am Butler. Anything I say sounds scary.
Eoin Colfer
Certain battles were won by retreating.
Eoin Colfer
What's this?" he inquired, none too pleasantly. "A circus?""No, Julius. It's the end of the circus.""I see. And these are the clowns?"Foaly's head poked through the doorway."Pardon me for interrupting your extended circus metaphor, but what the hell is that?
Eoin Colfer
The humans were protecting their heritage, or so they thought. Strange that Mud Men seem more concerned about the past than the present.
Eoin Colfer
*to thor* Zeus had replied that he had pulled fluffballs of lint out of his bellybutton that were bigger than Asgard
Eoin Colfer
I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.
Eoin Colfer
We are different, my friend. We are visionaries. A monkey looks up and sees and banana, and that is as far as he looks. But a visionary looks up and sees the moon.
Eoin Colfer
... desperate times required judicious risk-taking.
Eoin Colfer
All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket.
Eoin Colfer
No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?
Eoin Colfer
Victor Vigny: A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.Conor Broekhart: Which resembles a giant banana.
Eoin Colfer
Careful, Mr. Spiro, guns are dangerous. Especially the end with the hole.
Eoin Colfer
Some people just needed to be stolen from.
Eoin Colfer
Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.
Eoin Colfer
It was no time for mercy, it was time to terminate with extreme prejudice.
Eoin Colfer
How did that go” [Butler] asked. “Your first lengthy conversation with a girl your own age.”“Fabulous,” said Artemis, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “We’re planning a June wedding.
Eoin Colfer
Why can't I solve this problem by killing someone? she though petulantly, then comforted herself with the mantra that had kept her going in prison: "Soon all the humans will be dead," she said, droning in the time-honored fashion of gurus everywhere. "And then Opal will be loved."And even if I'm not loved, she thought, at least all the humans will be dead.
Eoin Colfer
The sarcasm made a slight whistling noise as it flew over Loafers' head.
Eoin Colfer
Today he became a killer, or else a corpse.
Eoin Colfer
They were in a position of total ignorance and people in that position often died without being enlightened.
Eoin Colfer
Don't hate me forever, Arty," whispered Holly. "I couldn't bear that.
Eoin Colfer
Artemis looked at Holly and felt a tremendous affection for her... he could properly appreciate how fierce and beautiful his best friend was...She is truly magical, thought Artemis. Perhaps her qualities are more obvious to me now that I have decided to sacrifice myself.
Eoin Colfer
How could you...? How?""Logically you have no right to be angry. I simply followed your l
Eoin Colfer
Giving evidence against one's employers was the first step to unemployment.
Eoin Colfer
Of course I saved you," she said. "I couldn't do without you." And because she was happy and flushed with magic, Holly leaned down and kissed Artemis, magic sparking around the contact like tiny fireworks.
Eoin Colfer
A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.
Eoin Colfer
Good. Illegal is always faster.
Eoin Colfer
Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.
Eoin Colfer
Well, young man, have you found anyone worthy of your respect?"Artemis smiled back. "Yes," he said. "I believe I have.
Eoin Colfer
Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?
Eoin Colfer
A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.
Eoin Colfer
Conor, I could search the world for another swashbuckling scientist, but I doubt if I would find one like you.
Eoin Colfer
Holly clambered after him, struggling up the human-size steps. "Wait! Just wait," she called, overtaking Artemis and looking him in the eye from one step up. "I know you, Artemis. You like to play your genius card close to your chest until the big reveal. And that's worked out for us so far. But this time you need to let me in. I can help. So, tell me the truth, do you have a plan?"Artemis met his friend's gaze and lied to her face. "No," he said. "No plan.
Eoin Colfer
That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart.
Eoin Colfer
Ignorance, as they say, is usually fatal, but sometimes it can be bliss.
Eoin Colfer
Toadstool mandarins are a form of toxic jellyfish whose tentacles are loaded with entheogenic venom. The effects of a mandarin sting are threefold. The first is a sharp stinging sensation; the second a nasty red welt, which may fester if not treated with a salve of toadstool mandarin doodoo. And the third is a bold of self-awareness, thanks to the entheogens in the venom. Having been stung, a victim's typical reaction will be something like:Owww. Zark, that hurts.Then:Oh no. Look at this nasty red welt. I'm in the swimsuit competition later.And finally:What? I'm a latent misogynist with father issues!If a person is allergic to mandarin venom, one sting will prompt total self-awareness, leading to either immediate catatonia or a career as a talk show pundit.
Eoin Colfer
Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.
Eoin Colfer
[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.''Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?''This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately.
Eoin Colfer
Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done.” He winked at Butler.“Are you sure you’re at the library? I thought I heard water.”Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. “Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.”“Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you’re wearing that smug smile of yours.
Eoin Colfer
She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story--''Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain?
Eoin Colfer
Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.
Eoin Colfer
You still awake?' asked the anesthetist.'Nope,' I replied.
Eoin Colfer
In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter—they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.
Eoin Colfer
Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down.
Eoin Colfer
He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.
Eoin Colfer
Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
Eoin Colfer
The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.
Eoin Colfer
Who or what inspires you?""I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.
Eoin Colfer
Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.
Eoin Colfer
Ambition had a price, and that price was friendship.
Eoin Colfer
Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.
Eoin Colfer
Well, I don't like the first bit and I don't know the last bit. So I'm really hoping the middle bit is exceptional.
Eoin Colfer
The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.
Eoin Colfer
Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.
Eoin Colfer
Tonight, history was going to be made. And it wasn't the discovery-of-radium, first-man-on-the-moon happy kind of history. It was the Spanish-Inquisition, here-comes-the-Hindenburg bad kind of history.
Eoin Colfer