Humour Quotes - Page 61

All night the angelic made me gasp for breadth and dream of drowning in sand or earth or mud. I got up, my chest still racked, but glad to be finished with the phantasms which magnify a reality difficult enough in itself. Coffee so bitter it was undrinkable. A big roar. Two big roars. No relief. The mornings only consolation was of a faecal nature. Unexpectedly and impeccably i produced a magnificent turd, so long it had to curve at the ends to fit into the bowl. I contemplated fondly the fine chubby little babe of living clay i'd just brought forth, and my zest for life returned.

Michel Tournier

Hope is a strange thing, not to mention a common prostitute name,...

Not a few millions of parents strongly hope that their own children will step in by instantly becoming their own parents’ foster parents, if and when the parents reach their second childhood.

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Isn't it lovely to be lovely me!

Gabe, you’re sick, and much as you’re a shithead sometimes, I’ve trained you to be a fairly acceptable shithead to me. If you died I’d have to go to all the effort of training someone else.”“If I died maybe you should consider a change of career into the nursing profession. With your lovely bedside manner you’d be a shoo-in.

Shithead Boss Man, eh? You know, Dylan, I really lucked out in the assistant department. The other partners in the firm have ended up with someone awful, who soothes them, is at their beck and call and agrees with them all the time. I got one who is sarcastic, argumentative, scruffy, rarely where he should be, and calls me Shithead Boss Man rather than Sir.”Jude laughs at him, before reaching out and swiping one of the prawns from my carton of sweet and sour. “He’d call you Sir if you spanked him.

He’s adorably high-handed where you’re concerned, isn’t he?”My eyes slide closed. “With anyone.” “No,” he says thoughtfully. “Only you. He really can’t be bothered with anyone else, unless they’re connected to you. You’re all he sees.

The truth is that I will always need you more than you need me. It’s also the truth that I’m not a good bet for someone as vital and young as you. I’m bad tempered, a perfectionist who is too serious, and too used to being on my own. You could go out tomorrow and find someone better for you, but the truth is that no one will ever need you like I do.” He pauses and then says firmly. “No one will ever love you like I do.

Listen to me very carefully, and think hard about what happens if you go over my head to do something for me that you think is right. What is my normal reaction?”Gabe slumps slightly. “Not favourable?

Emerging from the next chalet in the row was a young woman, probably mid-twenties he guessed, about medium height and build, with dark brown bobbed hair. She was clutching an arm full of books and a cup of coffee.That he had taken all this in, in a single glance, was remarkable. As he had simultaneously taken the fact, she was absolutely naked…“Good morning Miss!” “Miss? I never call anyone Miss! She could be married! A radical feminist! And I have just insulted her! I should have said Mizz, or Mam’, Oh God!” The thoughts raced through Addy’s panic-stricken mind. “There has been a spot of trouble at the clubhouse.” Professional, act professional. “I am making a few enquiries, I’d like to come back and ask you a few questions when …” Professional, you’re a professional, Man up! “… When you have … got yourself sorted out.” Phew!!

Ted Bun

Ty didn't think Middleton was a great girl. He thought Middleton was a pain in the ass. Waltzing around with her shiny hair and long legs and her throaty voice, being cuter than a fistful of buttons. Where did she get off?

Eve Dangerfield

He took the pen and book from her and faltered.“Just write anything – anything trivial that won't matter if it comes to pass.”“Erm...” God, he was useless at this.Elena's hair turned blue.“Hey!”“What?”“I don't want blue hair! What the hell did you write that for?”“It seemed trivial.”“Blue hair – blue? That's trivial? What if I can't undo it?”Karl stared at her blankly. His throat went dry. He felt like a total dickhead, but writing really wasn't his strong point, so he went for humour instead and flashed her a grin.“I was going to write that all your clothes fall off, but figured you may have a problem with that. This was the second thing that came to mind.”(Karl and Elena)

Tom, how many children do you think I have to have before I figure out you get them by having sex?""Of course there would be protection," he offered."Tons of it.

Tom. Tom, look at me. Has Nora agreed to marry you?""No, but she will because she has to.

She’d never known a man whose initial move was to undress the woman he wanted.

Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought.

E.A. Bucchianeri

I am not sleeping with you.""We could probably manage it, though. Without getting too involved.""No," she said."But why? I mean, if we're trusted friends? And it doesn't interfere with our responsibilities?""Did that line ever actually work for you?""I can't remember. But it probably did-it's brilliant.

Maybe we could, um, go sit in the truck?" he said, but even as he said it, it sounded so dumb. And not exactly the way he wanted her to remember a marriage proposal.

Excuse me,” she said, her voice tight. “But if I’d known there was going to be a firearms examination at the end of the kidnapping, by God, I would have studied for it!

You can’t possibly be afraid of trees.

But you were concerned about making sure things, you know, didn't get serious.""Yeah, because I'm an idiot.

I’m a firm believer in equality at all times—”“At all times,” he repeated. “However, in the bedroom or in the club, I am a lot more equal than you.

Cherise Sinclair

Being amongst rough lives and confusion does not make you less, it only makes your beauty shine out more clearly.

What are you doing here?”All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. “Taxidermy?” he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm.

Marry me. You'll learn to love me, I promise.

Okay, babe, I'm here.”

What the dev— er, deuce did you do that for? It hurt!”“Good,” said the angel. “I was afraid these new shoes would not be sturdy enough.

Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?""I need a gun."This was not how his dream was supposed to go.

Shannon K. Butcher

I focused, rather embarrassingly, on his chest which was rising and falling slowly. I left teeth marks!

Erica had asked me a million times. 'Madison, are you sure you’re just the child minder? He pays you a lot of money for doing hardly anything.' Pushing aside the blatant insinuation that I was his weekend whore, I’d always told her the absolute truth. He’d never so much as looked at me inappropriately, let alone anything more.

Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man’s business card in his hand.He looked like a dick.

There was a group of fans who wanted autographs, and several women who managed to write their phone numbers on Wade's hand before he pulled free.Sam sent him an arched brow, but he just shrugged. He got numbers written on him a lot; he'd never figured out how to stop that from happening.

He tends to go for girls who are-Shelby, honey? Put your hands over your ears for just a sec.” Back into the phone he said, “He likes the real slutty ones. Ow!” he yelled when he received a whop to the back of the head.

Wow,” she said. “Do you realise how wonderful you sound?”“Yes, I do,” he said with a firm nod. “And I think I’m underappreciated.

How do you know?”“Well, I don’t, I’m making this up, but I bet I’m right.

Excuse me, your attention please.” He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. “For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex.

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities.

What sort of look are you going for?” Damn, how did he answer this? “Something…normal,” he finally said.

I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.”This was met with silence.“Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?”“Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be.

Honest to God, she was the noisiest woman he'd ever been shot at with.

Just leave me alone, I want to be alone,” she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise.

Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. “You’re a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up.

We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even.

It was like being leaned on by a very heavy, warm brick. A sexy brick.

Patricia Briggs

I said alone!”He nodded in agreement. “Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It’s our way.

John Brooke is acting dreadfully, and Meg likes it!

Louisa May Alcott

Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?” her mother called.“No. Tell me this isn’t happening.” Quinn rested his forehead against hers. “Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she’s like a walking hard-on detector.”Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms.“Mrs. P., if you value your life, you’ll go back inside and turn off the light right now.

He couldn’t just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build up to it. Explain himself. “I love you.” Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy.

The man in 4B wondered if he could have your autograph. He told me his daughter is a huge fan.”

Jake became excruciatingly aware of her, there, right behind him. The small grunts and groans as she placed each foot carefully on the slick ground reverberated in his gut. He wanted to turn around and tell her to shut the hell up.She sounded as though she was having sex.Good sex.

He’d done it like he did everything else—with passion and total disregard for how much it might embarrass her.

He should probably make love to her.

Put me down, I’m too heavy.”“You’re small enough to fit in my pocket.

She didn’t sound overjoyed. She didn’t sound even slightly joyed.

If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says.

Hey,” Shayne said through the door. “You going to stay in there all night, because we’re getting tired of trying to eavesdrop from out here. Can’t hear a damn thing.

I'm in love with you"Finally, the girl looks at me. "What?""I don't know." I gesture to the house, the yard, the dirt surrounding us. "I'm not sure what suggested romance. Maybe it was the screaming match or the way my girlfriend kicked my ass to the ground, but I love you."Her mouth gapes. "I...I...""I don't want you to say it back now. One of us should have some class.

Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely.

Christine Feehan

He needed to gather her up, hold on to her, anything to help her stop trembling. Something was going to shake loose if she didn’t.

Sophie, honey, stop looking at me like that,” Garrett said gruffly. “You’ll have me convinced I’m going to die.”“You’re not?

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