Humour Quotes - Page 48

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

There was this about vampires : they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were... what was the word... deshabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style.

Terry Pratchett

The English language is like London: proudly barbaric yet deeply civilised, too, common yet royal, vulgar yet processional, sacred yet profane. Each sentence we produce, whether we know it or not, is a mongrel mouthful of Chaucerian, Shakespearean, Miltonic, Johnsonian, Dickensian and American. Military, naval, legal, corporate, criminal, jazz, rap and ghetto discourses are mingled at every turn. The French language, like Paris, has attempted, through its Academy, to retain its purity, to fight the advancing tides of Franglais and international prefabrication. English, by comparison, is a shameless whore.

Stephen Fry

What would killing the Elders result in?" "Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?

Derek Landy

I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum

Janet Evanovich

Over the centuries, mankind has tried many ways of combating the forces of evil... prayer, fasting, good works and so on. Up until Doom, no one seemed to have thought about the double-barrel shotgun. Eat leaden death, demon...

Terry Pratchett

You stole a boat,” she snapped. “What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?

Cassandra Clare

Today as always, men fall into two groups: slaves and free men. Whoever does not have two-thirds of his day for himself, is a slave, whatever he may be: a statesman, a businessman, an official, or a scholar.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Come on, Rory! It isn't rocket science, it's just quantum physics!-The Doctor (Matt Smith)

Steven Moffat

I am who I am and that's who I am

Nikolai Gogol

Oh, I can never get enough. Which, incidentally, is what your sister said when--

Cassandra Clare

Yes, I am here. And you are lucky to be here too after all the absurd things you've done since you left home.

J.R.R. Tolkien

A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.

Robert Jordan

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?

J.K. Rowling

THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!"Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!"He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy."Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--

Rick Riordan

Language is my whore, my mistress, my wife, my pen-friend, my check-out girl. Language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square or handy freshen-up wipette. Language is the breath of God, the dew on a fresh apple, it's the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning sun when you pull from an old bookshelf a forgotten volume of erotic diaries; language is the faint scent of urine on a pair of boxer shorts, it's a half-remembered childhood birthday party, a creak on the stair, a spluttering match held to a frosted pane, the warm wet, trusting touch of a leaking nappy, the hulk of a charred Panzer, the underside of a granite boulder, the first downy growth on the upper lip of a Mediterranean girl, cobwebs long since overrun by an old Wellington boot.

Stephen Fry

Why do boys say someone acts like a girl as if it were an insult?

Tamora Pierce

Patrick actually used to be popular before Sam bought him some good music.

Stephen Chbosky

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you smell like Magnus.

Cassandra Clare

Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep.

Charles M. Schulz

Kindness suits you.""Really? I think I'm quite allergic to it.

Derek Landy

Of course I’ve gone mad with power! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It’s boring and no one listens to you!— Russ Cargill

Matt Groening

Everybody knows if you are too careful you are so occupied in being careful that you are sure to stumble over something.

Gertrude Stein

Sex, whatever else it is, is an athletic skill. The more you practice, the more you can, the more you want to, the more you enjoy it, the less it tires you.

Robert A. Heinlein

What's so unpleasant about being drunk?""Ask a glass of water!

Douglas Adams

All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Blaise Pascal

Asscrown," I muttered under my breath as I headed to my next class. I wasn't proud of swearing at a complete stranger, no. but he started it.Noah matched my pace. "Don't you mean 'assclown'?" He looked amused."No," I said, louder this time. "I mean asscrown. The crown on top of the asshat that covers the asshole of the assclown. The very zenith in the hierarchy of asses," I said, as though I was reading from a dictionary of modern profanity."I guess you nailed me then.

Michelle Hodkin

There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.

Joss Whedon

Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class - Hope your surgery went well!

Simone Elkeles

We need to reclaim the word 'feminism'. We need the word 'feminism' back real bad. When statistics come in saying that only 29% of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42% of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF THE SURVEY?

Caitlin Moran

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

Mindy Kaling

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

my heart has more rooms in it than a whore house

Gabriel García Márquez

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Oscar Wilde

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.

Joss Whedon

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

Oscar Wilde

Not only will you sleep with me, but you will say 'please.'"I stared at him, shocked. The smile widened. "You will say 'please' before and 'thank you' after." Nervous laughter bubbled up. "You've gone insane. All that peroxide in your hair finally did your brain in, Goldilocks.

Ilona Andrews

What was up with class today? It was watered-down porn. He practically had you and Patch on top of your lab table, horizontal, minus your clothes, doing the Big Deed.

Becca Fitzpatrick

While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and skinning people. They're peculiar that way.

Cassandra Clare

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

George Carlin

When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed

Laurell K. Hamilton

Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle.

Carl Hiaasen

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

Douglas Adams

Is Jase already gonna marry you?” I start coughing again. “Uh, No. No, George. I’m only seventeen.” As if that’s the only reason we’re not engaged. “I’m this many.” George holds up four, slightly grubby fingers. “But Jase is seventeen and a half. You could. Then you could live in here with him. And have a big family.” Jase strides back into the room, of course, midway through this proposition. “George. Beat it. Discovery Channel is on.” George backs out of the room but not before saying, “His bed’s really comfortable. And he never pees in it.

Huntley Fitzpatrick

This is a team of gay dudes, isn't it?"What gave it away? The pink shirts, or half our team drooling over you?

Simone Elkeles

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.

Douglas Adams

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.

Charles Bukowski

I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel, sideshows or gorillas. When this occurs, I pack up my dinosaurs and leave the room.

Ray Bradbury

Finnick?" I say, "Maybe some pants?"He looks down at his legs as if noticing his outfit for the first time. Then he whips off his hospital gown leaving him in just his underwear. "Why? Do you find this" -- he strikes a ridiculously provocative pose -- "distracting?"I laugh. Boggs looks embarrassed and Finnick looks more like the guy I met at the Quarter Quell

Suzanne Collins

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

Irina Dunn

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

Oscar Wilde

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.

Douglas Adams

When I was your age, television was called books.

William Goldman

Hello, Harry" said George, beaming at him. "We thought we heard your dulcet tones.""You don't want to bottle up your anger like that, Harry, let it all out," said Fred, also beaming. "There might be a couple of people fifty miles away who didn't hear you.

J.K. Rowling

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

Cassandra Clare

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde

Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper."Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole.""What?" Piper asked."Nothing," he said. "Inside joke.

Rick Riordan

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.

Douglas Adams

Vhat ozzer abilities do you haf?" ter Borcht snapped, which his assistant waited, pen in hand.Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.Ter Borcht was startled for a second, but then he frowned. "Don't write dat down," he told his assistant in irritation. The assistant froze in midsentence."You. Do you haf any qualities dat distinguish you in any way?"Nudge chewed on a fingernail. "You mean, like, besides the WINGS?" She shook her shoulders gently, and her beautiful fawn-colored wings unfolded a bit.His face flushed, and I felt like cheering. "Yes," he said stiffly. "Besides de vings.""Hmm. Besides de vings." Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!""Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly. Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it."..."I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."Iggy rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Well, I have a highly developed sense of irony."Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?""Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"...Fang pretended to think, gazing up at the ceiling. "Besides my fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.""I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahrs!" Gazzy barked.

James Patterson

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Humour Quotes - Page 48

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