Humour Quotes - Page 47

The thing about changing the world... Once you do it, the world's all different.

Oh, China. How I have missed you.''And I have missed you, Eliza. But don't worry, next time my aim will be better.

I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.''My accent?''It is quite silly.''So you can't understand me?''Not a word.''Then how did you understand that?''I didn't.' ''You didn't understand what I just said?''That's right.''You understood that, though.''Not at all.'The American glowered.

Derek Landy

For a terrifying moment I thought he was going to hug me, but fortunately we both remembered we were English just in time. Still, it was a close call.

Ben Aaronovitch

I am never taking a trip with either of you ever again.' Eve said. 'Ever.'Excellent' Shane said. 'Then next trip, we hit the strip bar.'I have a gun, Shane,' Eve sighed.What, you think i actually loaded yours?'Eve flipped him off, and Claire laughed.

Rachel Caine

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Bill Hicks

Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.Cordelia: I stand corrected.Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.

Mutant Enemy/ Joss Whedon

Consider me your candy stripper... I mean striper.

Simone Elkeles

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.

Jonathan Stroud

Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhymeBut I got flow like Ghostbusters got slimeObjectify women and it's fuckin' onYou'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon.

John Green

When did you get so smart?"He tapped his forehead. "Brain transplant. They put in a whale's. I'm passing all my classes with my eyes closed now, but I just can't get over this craving for krill." He shrugged. "And I feel sorry for the whale that got my brain. Probably swimming around Florida now trying to catch glimpses of girls in bikinis.

Maggie Stiefvater

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

Douglas Adams

Finally, the intercom crackles and Hatmitch's acerbic laugh fills the studio. He contains himself just long enough to say, 'And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies.

Suzanne Collins

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Albert Schweitzer

You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.

Terry Pratchett

Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself?

Connie Willis

Who's Kreacher?""The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him.""He is not a nutter," said Hermione."His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother", said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?

J.K. Rowling

The only thing worse than having a party that no one attends is having a party attended only by two vastly, deeply uninteresting people.

John Green

Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense."Giles: Well, actually, that would be one of the five.

Mutant Enemy

It's supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button.

John Brunner

The whole world's writing novels, but nobody's reading them.

Robert Galbraith

Is he all scarred now?”“Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think I scarred him emotionally.

Derek Landy

Simon: You're in a dangerous line of work, Jayne. Odds are you'll be under my knife again, often. So I want you to understand one thing very clearly: No matter what you do or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us, I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe... 'cause I'm your medic. And however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way. River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.

Ben Edlund

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.

Terry Pratchett

Look, there's no metaphysics on earth like chocolates.

Fernando Pessoa

People who count their chickens before they are hatched act very wisely because chickens run about so absurdly that it's impossible to count them accurately.

Oscar Wilde

Don't call me 'gentleman'. I work for a livin'.

Tamora Pierce

The man had a smooth voice, like velvet. “I’m Detective Inspector Me. Unusual name, I know. My family were incredibly narcissistic. I’m lucky I escaped with any degree of humility at all, to be honest, but then I’ve always managed to exceed expectations. You are Kenny Dunne, are you not?”“I am.”“Just a few questions for you, Mr Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?”“Sure,” Kenny said, slightly bafﬂed.“Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s important you feel comfortable around me, Kenny. It’s important we build up a level of trust. That way I’ll catch you completely unprepared when I suddenly accuse you of murder.

Derek Landy

Hey, Carrots," he says.

Cynthia Hand

After all, what could you expect from a pig but a grunt?

L.M. Montgomery

But the plans were on display…”“On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them.”“That’s the display department.”“With a flashlight.”“Ah, well, the lights had probably gone.”“So had the stairs.”“But look, you found the notice, didn’t you?”“Yes,” said Arthur, “yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying ‘Beware of the Leopard.

Douglas Adams

I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Jane Wagner

Revenge may be wicked, but it’s natural.

William Makepeace Thackeray

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dorothy Parker

Holy freak show!

Becca Fitzpatrick

Please, amigo. We need you, Kimosabe, O Mighty Powerful One. We need you more than the earth rises in the west."The sun rises in the east, dickhead."Only if you're standing on the earth. If you're on the moon, the earth rises in the west.

Simone Elkeles

The eidolons started pounding on the door. 'Who is it?' Leo called. 'Valdez!''Valdez who?

Rick Riordan

Most men are not wicked... They are sleep-walkers, not evil evildoers.

Franz Kafka

Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I'm not dead.

Tom Stoppard

I said breathe. Not do a fish-out of-water imitation.

Karen Marie Moning

Every day's a negotiation and sometimes it's done with guns.

Joss Whedon

I kind of have to go to the bathroom," Aria said woozily.Ezra smiled. "Can I come?

Sara Shepard

I want a Zero Tolerance policy on All The Patriarchal Bullshit.

Caitlin Moran

Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can."Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?"Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?""Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam frenchfries."Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom."Maybe it was the fact that we were so tired and strung out emotionally, but I startedcracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at us. "I do notunderstand.""I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said."And…" Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt."I busted up, and I probably would've kept laughing all day, but then I heard a noise:"Moooo."The smile melted off my face. I wondered if the noise was just in my head, but Groverhad stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?""A dam cow?" Thalia laughed.

Rick Riordan

She took out a shiny folded pamphlet, the kind they kept stacked in clear plastic stands in hospital waiting rooms. "How to Come Out to Your Parents," she read out loud. "LUKE. Don't be ridiculous. Simon's not gay, he's a vampire.

Cassandra Clare

The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch, but it has its own peculiar dreadfulness which connoisseurs of the ghastly and dog owners everywhere have come to know and dread. It's like having a small piece of defrosting liver pressed lovingly against you.

Terry Pratchett

Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.”“If the bad man comes,” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”“We make a great team.”“Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said.

Derek Landy

Armageddon was yesterday, today we have a serious problem.

Stieg Larsson

Big flashy things have my name written all over them. Well... not yet, give me time and a crayon.

Matt Smith

You really saw some?" Liz said an hour later. Sure, we had the stereo blaring and the shower running, but Liz still whispered, "They really...exist?" "Liz," I whispered back, "they're not unicorns." "No," Bex said flatly, "they're boys. And they're...good.

Ally Carter

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

Woody Allen

I need a weapon,” Valkyrie muttered.“You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained ina variety of martial arts by some of the best ﬁghters in the world,” Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.”“I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.”“I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.

Derek Landy

Hello? This is Clary Fairchild.”“Clary? It’s me, Emma.”“Oh, Emma, hi! I haven’t heard from you in ages. My mom says thanks for the wedding flowers, by the way. She wanted to send a note but Luke whisked her away on a honeymoon to Tahiti.”“Tahiti sounds nice.”“It probably is — Jace, what are you doing with that thing? There is no way it’ll fit.”“Is this a bad time?”“What? No! Jace is trying to drag a trebuchet into the training room. Alec, stop helping him.”“What’s a trebuchet?”“It’s a huge catapult.”“What are they going to use it for?”“I have no idea. Alec, you’re enabling! You’re an enabler!”“Maybe it is a bad time.”“I doubt there’ll be a better one. Is something wrong? Is there anything I can do?”“I think we have your cat.”“What?”“Your cat. Big fuzzy Blue Persian? Always looks angry? Julian says it’s your cat. He says he saw it at the New York Institute. Well, saw him. It’s a boy cat.”“Church? You have Church? But I thought — well, we knew he was gone. We thought Brother Zachariah took him. Isabelle was annoyed, but they seemed to know each other. I’ve never seen Church actually likeanyone like that.”“I don’t know if he likes anyone here. He bit Julian twice. Oh, wait. Julian says he likes Ty. He’s asleep on Ty’s bed.”“How did you wind up with him?”“Someone rang our front doorbell. Diana, she’s our tutor, went down to see what it was. Church was in a cage on the front step with a note tied to it. It said For Emma. This is Church, a longtime friend of the Carstairs. Take care of this cat and he will take care of you. —J.”“Brother Zachariah left you a cat.”“But I don’t even really know him. And he’s not a Silent Brother any more.”“You may not know him, but he clearly knows you.”“What do you think the J stands for?”“His real name. Look, Emma, if he wants you to have Church, and you want Church, you should keep him.”“Are you sure? The Lightwoods —“‘They’re both standing here nodding. Well, Alec is partially trapped under a trebuchet, but he seems to be nodding.”“Jules says we’d like to keep him. We used to have a cat named Oscar, but he died, and, well, Church seems to be good for Ty’s nightmares.”“Oh, honey. I think, really, he’s Brother Zachariah’s cat. And if he wants you to have him, then you should.”“Why does Brother Zachariah want to protect me? It’s like he knows me, but I don’t know why he knows me.”“I don’t exactly know … But I know Tessa. She’s his — well, girlfriend seems not the right word for it. They’ve known each other a long, long time. I have a feeling they’re both watching over you.”“That’s good. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.”“Emma — oh my God. The trebuchet just crashed through the floor. I have to go. Call me later.”“But we can keep the cat?”“You can keep the cat.

Cassandra Clare

You curse a lot.''Fuck you - I hardly curse at all.

Tere Michaels

My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit.

George R.R. Martin

I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.

Oscar Wilde

Tucker: "Today we ran into a mama grizzly with two cubs at the ridge off Colter Bay and Clara sang to it to make it go away."Mrs. Avery: You sang to it?Tucker: Her singing is that bad.

Cynthia Hand

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of

Bill Maher

Just think how many books I could've sold if Harry had been a bit more creative with his wand." -[On the success of 50 Shades of Grey]

J.K. Rowling

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Humour Quotes - Page 47

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