Humour Quotes - Page 46

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Neil Armstrong

But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.

Jerome K. Jerome

I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I lied, I like your Star Wars sheets, you're not that bad of a driver, and I swear on my Very Cherry lip gloss that I will never lie to you again.

Gemma Halliday

In Britain, a cup of tea is the answer to every problem.Fallen off your bicycle? Nice cup of tea.Your house has been destroyed by a meteorite? Nice cup of tea and a biscuit.Your entire family has been eaten by a Tyrannosaurus Rex that has travelled through a space/time portal? Nice cup of tea and a piece of cake. Possibly a savoury option would be welcome here too, for example a Scotch egg or a sausage roll.

David Walliams

Aragorn: Gentlemen! We do not stop 'til nightfall.Pippin: But what about breakfast?Aragorn: You've already had it.Pippin: We've had one, yes. But what about second breakfast?[Aragorn stares at him, then walks off.]Merry: Don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.Pippin: What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about them, doesn't he?Merry: I wouldn't count on it Pip.

Peter Jackson

Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt.

Kay Redfield Jamison

My aunt and overprivileged cousin only recognize two states of being: glitter and grunge. And if you weren’t glitter, well, that only left one other option.

Rachel Vincent

He's like Super Librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

Joss Whedon

The word “future” and females is a dangerous combination.

Chetan Bhagat

So here were the facts: I felt possessive of her. Not in a romantic sort of way, but in a "hit her over the head, drag her off by the hair, and fuck her" way. Like she was my toy and I was keeping the other boys in the sandbox from playing with her. How sick was that? If she ever heard me admit to that, she would cut off my balls and feed them to me.

Christina Lauren

I didn't set fire to the building.""No, but you did pull it into the river.""That put the fire out!

Anthony Horowitz

You sure you don't want me to bring you back something?" Her eyes moved in the direction of his office. "A hit man? Some holy water?

Christina Lauren

This was the tricky bit. The really tricky bit, trickiness cubed.

Hugh Laurie

Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free.

Philippa Gregory

I'm Cinderella. No, I'm better than Cinderella, because she only got the prince, didn't she? I'm Cinderella with fab teeth and a shit-hot job.

Sophie Kinsella

Go Ahead, call me all the names you want," Sansa said airily. "You won't dare when I'm married to Joffrey. You'll have to bow and call me Your Grace." She shrieked as Arya flung the orange across the table. It caught her in the middle of the forehead with a wet squish and plopped down into her lap."You have juice on your face, Your Grace ," Arya said.

George R.R. Martin

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

J D ROBB

If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.

Saul Bellow

And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?”“If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons.

George R.R. Martin

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

William Shakespeare

Now-what’s our game plan?”tCoach Hedge belched. He’d already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would’ve eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand.t“Climb the mountain,” Hedge said. “Kill everything except Piper’s dad. Leave.”t“Thank you General Eisenhower,” Jason grumbles.

Rick Riordan

Oh, I love hugging. I wish I was an octopus, so I could hug 10 people at a time!

Drew Barrymore

Kaede: I know this, ungrateful dog. In order to find the sacred jewel shards, Kagome's spirtual power is essential. Yet ye made her upset with your words an sent her running homeInuYasha: That was her idea! she chose to go home! She said: "I'm going home! You jerk!"Kaede: InuYasha, that imitation was pathetic.InuYasha: I'm a demon, not a comedian!

Rumiko Takahashi

I also felt that Ron and Hermione would have gotten divorced. I'm sorry, I just do. The end of Harry Potter did feel ultimately to me...just the fact everybody had married everybody. The books were so real and so grounded in what things are really like when you're that age, she nailed that so beautifully. And then there was this slightly fantastical ending. I know that was there for her to say, 'Really, I mean it, no more books,' but you do sort of go, people who were in a war are different from people who haven't been, and how does it affect them? But am I going to second-guess my favorite writer? I think not.

Joss Whedon

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.

Douglas Adams

My point is that I am going to figure this out, like I always do. First, we’re going to find a way to get into Artemisia. We’re going to find Cress and rescue Cinder and Wolf. We’re going to overthrow Levana, and by the stars above, we are going to make Cinder a queen so she can pay us a lot of money from her royal coffers and we can all retire very rich and very alive, got it?"Winter started to clap. "Brilliant speech. Such gumption and bravado.""And yet strangely lacking in any sort of actual strategy," said Scarlet."Oh, good, I'm glad you noticed that too," said Iko. "I was worried my processor might be glitching.

Marissa Meyer

Next time I want to do something nice, slap me.

Simone Elkeles

There was a family joke that Lucy's first words were, "Nicholas is bugging me!

Alyxandra Harvey

A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop.I gaped.My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child.Son of a mother…Friend or not, it was so on

Jennifer L. Armentrout

He wants as many victors as possible for the cameras to follow in the Capitol. Thinks it makes for better television.""Are you and Beetee going?" I ask."As many young and attractive victors as possible," Haymitch corrects himself. "So, no. We'll be here.

Suzanne Collins

They're saying that you and Sean Kendrick were burning up the cliffs." Tommy spins me again and grins at me. "And when I say you and Sean Kendrick, I mean you and Sean Kendrick. And by burning, I mean burning.

Maggie Stiefvater

Shiny, let's be bad guys!

Joss Whedon

So, great. This is Camp…what do you call it? Camp Fish-Blood?”Aphros frowned. “I hope that was a joke. This is Camp __________.” He made a sound that was a series of sonar pings and hisses.

Rick Riordan

InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o'er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don't know why I cannot sleep -I slept just fine at school.

Kathy Kenney-Marshall

Life is serious but art is fun!

John Irving

I’m not certain you’d know the right sort of man for you if he arrived on our doorstep riding an elephant.”“I would think the elephant would be a fairly good indication that I ought to look elsewhere.

Julia Quinn

It would be fun,” Skulduggery nodded. ”I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like.

Derek Landy

The platform underneath the balloon fell on her as she was trying to escape," she explained. "She was crushed.""I'd have been disappointed too.

Anthony Horowitz

I shall never have a bath again," I said. "Just dont have one too often," my grandmother said. "Once a month is quite enough for a sensible child." It was at times like these that I loved my grandmother more than ever.

Roald Dahl

Now you're just being silly. He's a mercenary- he's not going to go about penning love letters, and really, what would he write? 'Anna...love you...grrr?'" Olivia to Annalia

Kresley Cole

Ah! Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I’m afraid I’ve rather lost my liking for them — but I think I’ll be safe with a nice toffee, don’t you?”He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth.“Alas! Ear wax!

J.K. Rowling

You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?' He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along.

Derek Landy

I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever true and are usually utterly inaccurate.

Agatha Christie

All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.

Joss Whedon

You ride as a man, fight as a man, and you think as a man-""I think as a human being," she retorted hotly. "Men don't think any differently from women- they just make more noise about being able to.

Tamora Pierce

Life,” said Marvin dolefully, “loathe it or ignore it, you can’t like it.

Douglas Adams

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.

Janet Evanovich

I got swirling eyes and the capacity to shatter windows with my bare voice. Tod got teleportation and invisibility. The supernatural world is so far from fair.

Rachel Vincent

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

Ellen DeGeneres

That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain. Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, 'til some idiot killed it. (to Inara) Yes, I've read a poem. Try not to faint.

Joss Whedon

Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?" said a cold, drawling voice.Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him."Yeah, reckon so," said Harry casually."Got plenty of special features, hasn't it?" said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. "Shame it doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a Dementor."Crabbe and Goyle sniggered."Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy," said Harry. "Then it could catch the Snitch for you.

J.K. Rowling

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

Dylan Moran

Is this what you do with your spare time?” he asked me, ignoring his sister.“What—are you deciding to talk to me now?” Smiling tightly, I grabbed a handful of mulch and dumped it. Rinse and repeat. “Yeah, it’s kind of a hobby. What’s yours? Kicking puppies?

Jennifer L. Armentrout

Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.

Amy Sedaris

Why are you so weird?""Because my weird has to be able to cancel out your weird, Lady Cross-stitch.""At least what I do is considered an art form.""Yes, in ye olde medieal Europse you would've been quite the catch-

Alexandra Bracken

Stairway to Hell or Yellow Brick Road? Why don't you give your Magic 8 Ball a shake and see if it's ready to play again.

Kami Garcia

The problem is, God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin McLaurin Williams

He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.

Derek Landy

Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.

Abraham Lincoln

I always wanted to be a juvenile delinquent but my parents wouldn't let me.

John Waters

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Humour Quotes - Page 46

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