Humour Quotes - Page 44

my sword reappeared in my pocket.yeah,great timing.now i could attack the walls all i wanted.my cell had no bar,no window,not even a door

Rick Riordan

Beppu (n.)The triumphant slamming shut of a book after reading the final page.

Douglas Adams

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

The only way I can describe the extent of my anxiety is to say that I felt as if I were pregnant with a rock.

Katharine Graham

never say never. whoops - said it twice

Harry Hill

Cal: “Yesterday I was stuck in a car with you for eight hours.” Bastard. I didn’t even sing along with the radio. Much.Me: “Yeah. And?” Cal: “Something happened.”Me: “If you’re referring to my driving skills, may I just say I didn’t TOUCH that truck. What you felt was just the wind. We were going pretty fast. And there wasn’t even a scratch. I checked.”Every Boy's Got One

Meg Cabot

Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card

Phyllis Diller

Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.

Gail Carriger

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.

George W. Bush

Caw! Caw, Hartley, caw!"Chase narrowed his eyes again."Sam?"I nodded. Then crossed to the window again and called down to Sam. "You can quit squawking. He caught me.

Gemma Halliday

Gideon laughed. "I like to be direct.""Okay," I said. "But I warn you, I like to be evasive, inserutable and generally send mixed messages." "I doubt it.""Human interaction is not my strong point," I told him. "Not seriously.""Seriously," I said. Thinking: There is so much about me he doesn't know. Gideon put his hand on my leg. "What's your strong point, then?""Goats," I told him. "I am excellent with goats.

E. Lockhart

Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick

Sarah Rees Brennan

The waitress scuttles away, and I make a shooing motion at the old couple who’re still glaring. “Don’t you have something to better to work on?” I hiss. “Like golfing or eating prunes or dying?” The old lady looks shocked. “Okay, sorry, not dying. But seriously, prunes are good for you.

Sara Wolf

Tonight sucks. And look at me. Look at - look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and-and-and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And-and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person that I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker.

Joss Whedon

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.

Janet Evanovich

Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?

Robert Clark

I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

Orson Scott Card

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

Karl Pilkington

If they projected the fact that they are dangerous any harder, there would be little puddles of "danger" on the floor around them. Look, it's "danger", don't step in it!

Mercedes Lackey

I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.

Jim Baen

CUSTOMER (to her friend): What's this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?

Jen Campbell

We're on a mission from Glod.

Terry Pratchett

I'm not tired. I'm just checking my eyelids for holes. It could take a while

Suzanne Wright

I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking.

Dorothy Parker

I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?''He's lost his marbles,' Ron muttered in Harry's ear.'Hagrid,' said Harry loudly, 'give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment.Hagrid bit his lip.'I- I know I can't jus' dump him, I can't.'Harry suddenly turned to Ron.'Charlie,' he said.'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember?

J.K. Rowling

Love is a delicate plant that needs constant tending and nurturing, and this cannot be done by snorting at the adored object like a gas explosion and calling her friends lice.

P.G. Wodehouse

That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: it said, 'goodbye

Richard Armour

Actually, I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir

Carrie Fisher

One day, maybe not in the next few weeks, but certainly in the conceivable future, someone will be able to refer to me without using the word 'arse' somewhere in the sentence.

Nick Hornby

I am unable to believe in a God susceptible to prayer. I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits, and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds.

Quentin Crisp

You mean that because I have no name I cannot die and that you cannot be held answerable for death even if you kill me?""That is about the size of it," said the Sergeant.I felt so sad and so entirely disappointed that tears came into my eyes and a lump of incommunicable poignancy swelled tragically in my throat. I began to feel intensely every fragment of my equal humanity. The life that was bubbling at the end of my fingers was real and nearly painful in intensity and so was the beauty of my warm face and the loose humanity of my limbs and the racy health of my red rich blood. To leave it all without good reason and to smash the little empire into small fragments was a thing too pitiful even to refuse to think about.

Flann O'Brien

Marry, don't marry,' Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple str

Diana Abu-Jaber

You can only fight one man at a time with a sword, but, with a pen, you can compose a lecture to bore legions of enemy troops to death.

Lindsay Buroker

As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists.

Joan Dye Gussow

But I don’t think I’ve ever known such a natural at Potions!” said Slughorn. “Instinctive, you know — like his mother! I’ve only ever taught a few with this kind of ability, I can tell you that, Sybill — why even Severus —”And to Harry’s horror, Slughorn threw out an arm and seemed to scoop Snape out of thin air toward them.

J.K. Rowling

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

Shirley Temple Black

Step up to red alert."Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb." - Rimmer & Kryten, "Red Dwarf

Rob Grant

Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.

Eoin Colfer

Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”“Was never much of a team player.”“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”“Not that into human sacrifice.”“Suffering in silence?”I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”- Charley to Cookie

Darynda Jones

Since I didn't have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. "Agent... Agent Carson," I said, panting into the phone."Yes, Charley." She seemed unimpressed, but I wasn't about to stop now."I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are.""I'm a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?""I'm sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing."I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?"She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. "You aren't listeni--kshshsh.""You're really bad at this.""Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh.""Charley, if you don't cut this crap out."I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.

Darynda Jones

You may look normal like everyone else, but you're not. Not on the inside.

Vera Brosgol

This won't look so good in my obituary," Schaffer said dolefully. There was a perceptible edge of strain under the lightly-spoken words."Gave his life for his country in a ladies' lavatory in Upper Bavaria.

Alistair MacLean

Well, what was I to do? For the well-bred gentleman there was clearly only one recourse. I fucked him.

Mark Gatiss

People tell me I shouldn't smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

Robert Clark

Murderers! Stop murdering. Everyone will die eventually. Just sit down and be patient.

Russell Brand

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.

Cassandra Clare

Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened.Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. “Are you directing your magic to the candle?”“Yes. W

Maria V. Snyder

Dios mio, I think my brother lost his balls somewhere between here and Mexico. Or maybe Brittany has them zipped inside that fancy purse (of hers).

Simone Elkeles

Can I request another peer guide, One who isn't so happy to be at school at 7:30 a.m.?

Simone Elkeles

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

Oscar Wilde

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

Andy Rooney

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'!

Kate Angell

Sadly, I hate foreigners. And Americans. And animals. And flora, and some fauna. Also the magma that is the very core of this our mother earth. I'm full o' hate!

Joss Whedon

MmmmmmI like that thing you do with your tongue. What do you call it? Speaking? Yeah, I dig it

Bo Burnham

I mean, if you're asking a fellow to come out of a room so that you can dismember him with a carving knife, it's absurd to tack a 'sir' on to every sentence. The two things don't go together.

P.G. Wodehouse

I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.

The Harvard Lampoon

Girls like you want to cut guy's nuts off and hang 'em from your rearview mirror.

Simone Elkeles

What in the blue star-blazes did you see in Jason?" he asked, still forcefully but with his frustration and jealousy under better control."For one thing, Djetth, he wasn't trying to kil

Rowena Cherry

A politician is someone who promises a bridge even when there's no water

Gregory David Roberts

I’m currently unsupervised It frisks me out too but the possibilities are endless

Darynda Jones

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Humour Quotes - Page 44

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