Humour Quotes - Page 43

What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?”“Oh no, Ron,” came Fred’s voice, very sarcastically. “No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up.

J.K. Rowling

People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.

Kevin Hearne

Have I missed a national holiday? There must be celebrations in the streets for you to be home at this hour of the day.""I'm calling it Summerset Goes Mute Day. The city's gone mad with joy.

J D ROBB

I believe in myself like a five-year-old believes in himself. They say look at me, look at me! Then they do a flip in the backyard. It won't even be that amazing, but everyone will be clapping for them.

Kanye West

I'm too old to know everything

Oscar Wilde

Allegra's Austen wrote about the impact of financial need on the intimate lives of women. If she'd worked in a bookstore, Allegra would have shelved Austen in the horror section.

Karen Joy Fowler

He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his family's presence was turning the locals into giant dogs.

Stephenie Meyer

The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her.Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this:Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place?Witch: Go suck yourself.Riley: Maybe later. Meeting?Witch: Enjoy death.Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part.Witch: May I recommend a finger?Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands.

Gena Showalter

Merry Christmas!

John Paul II

Amy: Pond and her boys . . . my poncho boys. If we're going to die, let's die looking like a peruvian folk band.

Simon Nye

My patience has dreadful chilblains from standing so long on a monument.

Elizabeth Barrett-Browning

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Steven Wright

I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me.

Margaret Atwood

Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Frank Zappa

When it comes to emotions, women know how to paint with the full set of oils, while men are busy doodling with crayons.

Hank Moody

Someone once told me that we move when it becomes less painful than staying where we are".

Anne Hines

Why is luge a sport? You dress up like a giant sperm and go sledding really fast. That’s hardly athletic. Phallic and sexy, yes. But hardly athletic.

Jessica Park

The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!

Terry Moore

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

George Bernard Shaw

All young people worry about things, it's a natural and inevitable part of growing up, and at the age of sixteen my greatest anxiety in life was that I'd never again achieve anything as good, or pure, or noble, or true, as my O-level results.

David Nicholls

We all hold the keys to our own jail cells.

Paul Levine

I think Amy Winehouse's decision not to go to rehab was a bad one. In fact, I think it was the worst idea since Dodi Al Fayed said to Princess Diana, "Ooh, look! A tunnel! Whack that seat belt off and let's have a fuck.

Robert Clark

I said, "I'll take the T-bone steak."A soft voice mooed, "Oh wow."And I looked up and realizedThe waitress was a cow.I cried, "Mistake--forget the the steak.I'll take the chicken then."I heard a cluck--'twas just my luckThe busboy was a hen.I said, "Okay no, fowl today.I'll have the seafood dish."Then I saw through the kitchen doorThe cook--he was a fish.I screamed, "Is there anyone workin' hereWho's an onion or a beet?No? Your're sure? Okay then friends,A salad's what I'll eat."They looked at me. "Oh,no," they said,"The owner is a cabbage head.

Shel Silverstein

It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life, some indication of how deep a hole you had managed to burrow for yourself

Nick Hornby

We could get kinky and see how bats and rats make love, he suggested in a whisper, warm breath against her neck.You are a sick man, Jacques. Very, very sick.

Christine Feehan

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

Robert Clark

Gabriel shuffled around the trunk again, searching for faux arrows—arrows designed to injure but not kill. “All these arrows are sharp—and have blood on them.”“Yes, well, I left my cotton candy arrows at home next to my teddy bear.”Gabriel turned to Tristan. “We’re not going to kill that guy.”“We might.”“Tristan, that’s homicide.”“It’s self defense.”“It’s not self defense. He didn’t come after you.”“But he came after Scarlet. And, technically, Scarlet is a piece of me. So, yeah. It’s self-defense. Are you coming with me or not?”“I don’t want to kill him. I just want to hurt him. Or detain him.”“Or maybe you could just give him a big hug.”Tristan started marching into the woods. “You can stay there and clean weapons or whatever, but I’m going after our intruder.

Chelsea Fine

Sighing dismally, she acknowledged that some things just weren't humanly possible - not even Martha Stewart could fold fitted sheets.

Karen Marie Moning

Would you please just talk to me? Please?" Sally's voice was beginning to take on a high-pitched whine."Oh, good grief. For the love of healthy ears everywhere, quit your belly aching," Jen snapped, the clothes in her hands growing more wrinkled by the second. "Sally, there is nothing to talk about, okay? It is what it is."Sally threw her hands up in the air as she exhaled loudly. "No, it is not what it is, whatever the hell that means. It's a whole freaking lot more complicated than 'it is what it is.

Quinn Loftis

The worst mistake a writer can make is to assume everyone has an imagination.

Andrew McEwan

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!

A.A. Bell

Euthanasia" is an excellent and comforting word! I am grateful to whoever invented it.

Bram Stoker

I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.

Yana Toboso

Now wait a second..." Kenneth butted in."Yeah, we haven't asked you the questions yet," Brandon finished for Kenneth."Yeah, like what are your intentions toward our little Ryan," Patrick added, smirking."What do you do for a living?" Brandon added."Can you support Ryan's shoe fetish?" Kenneth threw his question in too."Hmm, okay, here are my answers. I plan on feeding him, dancing with him and God willing fucking him until he can't walk straight. I help infertile chickens have baby chickens, and I think so. I'm hoping his feet are about my size. We can share shoes and everything," Phillip answered.

Crystal Rose

If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter."Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?""Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C++ programmer.)

Charles Stross

There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.

Quentin Crisp

... all his faces were designed to express rage or loathing. Now that something had happened which really deserved a face, he had none to celebrate it with. As a kind of token, he made his Sex Life in Ancient Rome face.

Kingsley Amis

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

Terry Pratchett

It's hard to maintain a reputation for being grim and mysterious when you're accompanied by a brightly clad young thing, skipping merrily along at your side, holding your hand, and smiling sweetly on one and all.

Simon R. Green

I don't know the rules of grammar. If you're trying to persuade people to do something, or buy something, it seems to me you should use their language.

David Ogilvy

Advertising - A judicious mixture of flattery and threats.

Stephen Leacock

If I wanted you to understand, I would explain it better.

Johan Cruyff

Gemma Davidson,” she answered, her voice as groggy as I felt. “Where are you?” I asked. “Who is this?” “Elvis.” “What time is it?” “Hammer time?” “Charley.” “Did you text me? Did your car break down?” “No and no. Why are you doing this to me?” She was funny. “Check your cell.” I heard a loud, sleepy sigh, some rustling of sheets, then, “It won’t come on.” “Not at all?” “No. What did you do to it?” “I ate it for breakfast. Check the battery compartment.” “Where the hell is that?” “Um, behind the battery door.” “Are you punking me?” I heard her fumbling with the phone. “Gem, if I was going to punk you, I wouldn't simply turn off your phone. I would pour honey in your hair while you slept. Or, you know, something like that.” “That was you?” she asked, appalled.

Darynda Jones

The weather had freshened almost to coldness, for the wind was coming more easterly, from the chilly currents between Tristan and the Cape; the sloth was amazed by the change; it shunned the deck and spent its time below. Jack was in his cabin, pricking the chart with less satisfaction than he could have wished: progress, slow, serious trouble with the mainmast-- unaccountable headwinds by night-- and sipping a glass of grog; Stephen was in the mizentop, teaching Bonden to write and scanning the sea for his first albatross. The sloth sneezed, and looking up, Jack caught its gaze fixed upon him; its inverted face had an expression of anxiety and concern. 'Try a piece of this, old cock,' he said, dipping his cake in the grog and proffering the sop. 'It might put a little heart into you.' The sloth sighed, closed its eyes, but gently absorbed the piece, and sighed again. Some minutes later he felt a touch upon his knee: the sloth had silently climbed down and it was standing there, its beady eyes looking up into his face, bright with expectation. More cake, more grog: growing confidence and esteem. After this, as soon as the drum had beat the retreat, the sloth would meet him, hurrying toward the door on its uneven legs: it was given its own bowl, and it would grip it with its claws, lowering its round face into it and pursing its lips to drink (its tongue was too short to lap). Sometimes it went to sleep in this position, bowed over the emptiness. 'In this bucket,' said Stephen, walking into the cabin, 'in this small half-bucket, now, I have the population of Dublin, London, and Paris combined: these animalculae-- what is the matter with the sloth?' It was curled on Jack's knee, breathing heavily: its bowl and Jack's glass stood empty on the table. Stephen picked it up, peered into its affable bleary face, shook it, and hung it upon its rope. It seized hold with one fore and one hind foot, letting the others dangle limp, and went to sleep. Stephen looked sharply round, saw the decanter, smelt to the sloth, and cried, 'Jack, you have debauched my sloth.

Patrick O'Brian

This was after stew. But then, so is everything. When the first man crawled out of the slime and went to make his home on land, what he had for dinner that night was stew.

William Goldman

China is the same age as I am, and even I have to admit that she wears it better!" He laughed, then stopped and peered at her. "Because I'm a skeleton" he explained.

Derek Landy

If only the hat had mentioned a house for people who felt a bit queasy, that would have been the one for him.

J.K. Rowling

Would I serve you or (Prince) Jon stolen goods? he asked. "No, don't answer me.

Tamora Pierce

The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion.

Douglas Adams

Getting to a higher spiritual level is like increasing your credit score. You get a lot more points for sinning and repenting than if you have no credit history at all.

Lisa Kleypas

I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.

Albert Camus

There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap.And what would that be sir?Me

Russell T. Davies

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Clint Eastwood

Half my life is an act of revision.

John Irving

We don’t hide crazy,” I said. “We put it on the porch and let it entertain the neighbors.

Nick Wilgus

If every vampire who said he was at The Crucifixion, was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock . . .

Joss Whedon

Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

England once there lived a bigAnd wonderfully clever pig.To everybody it was plainThat Piggy had a massive brain.He worked out sums inside his head,There was no book he hadn't read.He knew what made an airplane fly,He knew how engines worked and why.He knew all this, but in the endOne question drove him round the bend:He simply couldn't puzzle outWhat LIFE was really all about.What was the reason for his birth?Why was he placed upon this earth?His giant brain went round and round.Alas, no answer could be found.Till suddenly one wondrous night.All in a flash he saw the light.He jumped up like a ballet dancerAnd yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!""They want my bacon slice by slice"To sell at a tremendous price!"They want my tender juicy chops"To put in all the butcher's shops!"They want my pork to make a roast"And that's the part'll cost the most!"They want my sausages in strings!"They even want my chitterlings!"The butcher's shop! The carving knife!"That is the reason for my life!"Such thoughts as these are not designedTo give a pig great piece of mind.Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,A pail of pigswill in his hand,And piggy with a mighty roar,Bashes the farmer to the floor…Now comes the rather grizzly bitSo let's not make too much of it,Except that you must understandThat Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,He ate him up from head to toe,Chewing the pieces nice and slow.It took an hour to reach the feet,Because there was so much to eat,And when he finished, Pig, of course,Felt absolutely no remorse.Slowly he scratched his brainy headAnd with a little smile he said,"I had a fairly powerful hunch"That he might have me for his lunch."And so, because I feared the worst,"I thought I'd better eat him first.

Roald Dahl

Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."No, I'm not," said Ani.Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?

Shannon Hale

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Humour Quotes - Page 43

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