Humour Quotes - Page 42

Honestly, we don't kick or bite or throw potatoes at all our guests."A crooked smile touched Lord Bradford's lips."Your family has spirit," he said, taking his hat from Azalea. "I enjoyed the evening.""Well, yes, you've just come from a war," said Azalea.

Heather Dixon

You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I...''Don't?''Exactly,' he said happily.

Derek Landy

Never trust a species that grins all the time. It’s up to something.

Terry Pratchett

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

Jefferson Smith

Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again.

Charles Stross

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and scratched his beard. 'Shouldn'ta lost me temper,' he said ruefully, 'but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do.

J.K. Rowling

At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face.

Danny Wallace

He nodded toward the sub. "This is going to be a blow-off day."I dragged my mind away from magical intrigue. After being homeschooled for most of my life, some parts of the "normal" school world was a mystery. "What does that mean, exactly.""Usually teacher leave subs a lesson plan, telling them what to do. I saw Ms. Terwilliger left. It said, 'Distract them.

Richelle Mead

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.

Leslie Moak Murray

Maxim 3: An ordnance technician at a dead run outranks everybody.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Howard Tayler

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

Bill Bailey

I really hope he shapes up, you know? He’s got a good head on his shoulders when he’s not trying to give himself alcohol poisoning.

Hailey Abbott

I sense a learning: that much dumber people than you end up in charge.

D.B.C. Pierre

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

Joss Whedon

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

Karl Pilkington

Having been engaged rather a lot of times, Zsa Zsa Gabor was asked whether a lady should give back the ring. Her answer?"Of course dahlink, but first, you take out all the diamonds.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Max looked around. "Where's your mutt?""Right here, asleep. He won't bite you again. I've talked to him about it, and he's really sorry

Rachel Gibson

How can you say you're not in love with

Jet Mykles

I love you," I whispered hoarsely. "You're my favourite person." The tears blurred in my eyes again. "And if you ever tell anyone I cried during this moment I will withhold sex for a year.

Samantha Young

I don't like killing a girl," the Spaniard said."God does it all the time; if it doesn't bother Him, don't let it worry you.

William Goldman

You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.''No I wouldn't,' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'... Fletcher smiled back. 'I just want to borrow Stephanie for a moment.''Take our daughter,' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now.

Derek Landy

Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.''I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.''Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?' Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.' 'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.''So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.''They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.''You,' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now.

Derek Landy

By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side.""I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now.

Gena Showalter

Who or what inspires you?""I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.

Eoin Colfer

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

Christopher Hitchens

Yes?" she asked, eyeing me guardedly.I struck out a hand and said "Shake."Arra stared at the hand, then into my unfocused eyes. "One good fight doesn't make you a warrior," she said."Shake!" I repeated angrily."And if I don't?" she asked."I'll get back up on the bars and fight you till you do," I growled.Arra studied me at length, then nodded and took my hand. "Power to you, Darren Shan," she said gruffly."Power," I repeated weakly, then fainted into her arms and knew no more till I came to in my hammock the next night.

Darren Shan

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Groucho Marx

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Bill Maher

I'm sorry I'm so pathetic," he thought, and then realized he had also said it.Beth laughed, so lightly and so kindly that Denis felt it in his chest, not his stomach.Can I tell you a se

Larry Doyle

Homework, I Love YouHomework, I love you. I think that you’re great.It’s wonderful fun when you keep me up late.I think you’re the best when I’m totally stressed,preparing and cramming all night for a test. Homework, I love you. What more can I say?I love to do hundreds of problems each day.You boggle my mind and you make me go blind,but still I’m ecstatic that you were assigned.Homework, I love you. I tell you, it’s true.There’s nothing more fun or exciting to do.You’re never a chore, for it’s you I adore.I wish that our teacher would hand you out more.Homework, I love you. You thrill me inside.I’m filled with emotions. I’m fit to be tied.I cannot complain when you frazzle my brain.Of course, that’s because I’m completely insane.

Kenn Nesbitt

Yes. We will live the rest of our lives in hell. It's not so bad: as long as you're prepared for it, you can live anywhere.

Mizuki Nomura

Don’t kiss me,” she said warningly.“I don’t intend to,” he replied, smiling a little. “I don’t have my whip and chair with me.

Linda Howard

When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.

Louise Rennison

War is a game that is played with a smile. If you can't smile, grin. If you can't grin, keep out of the way till you can.

Winston S. Churchill

I just want to say, for the record, as far as Royal protectors go, you're not very good.""It's my first day," Royce replied dryly."And already I am trapped in a timeless prison. I shudder to think what might have happened if you had a whole week.

Michael J. Sullivan

Remember the 11th commandment. Thou shalt not take thyself to damn seriously.

Roy Mcconnell

Only mediocrity can be trusted to be always at its best. Genius must always have lapses proportionate to its triumphs.

Max Beerbohm

Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it, exclaiming in tragic accents:'Oh Heavens! I am betrayed!' His lordship blenched; both he and Miss Laxton regarded her with guilty dismay. Miss Grantham buried her face in her handkerchief, and uttered one shattering word: 'Wretch!

Georgette Heyer

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.

Nick Hornby

Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?""Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.

Terry Pratchett

Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.

Arthur Wellesley

Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!" squeaked Dobby angrily.

J.K. Rowling

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

Dylan Moran

Susan hardly had begun to slow down when Tera appeared from between a couple of buildings and loped over to the car. I leaned forward, opened the door, and she got into the backseat. I threw her the extra clothes I had picked up, and she began to dress without comment.It worked," I said. "We did it."Of course it worked," Tera said. "Men are foolish. They will stare at anything female and naked.

Jim Butcher

Solomon's Laws 1. When the law doesn't work...work the law.

Paul Levine

Doctor doctor, what do you say, lets put the id back in yid

Philip Roth

When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me.

Derek Landy

Where's your sense of adventure?It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi.-Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn

Howard Tayler

I don't know very much but what I do know I know better than anybody, and I don't want to argue about it…My mind is not a bed to be made and re-made.

James Agate

I want a magical horse that fits in my pocket," Wil said. "And a ring of red amber that gives me power over demons. And an endless supply of cake.

Patrick Rothfuss

Cal: “I’m not presuming. I know exactly what you think about me. You think I’m an anal-retentive Armrest Nazi . . . an arrogant Modelizer. You can’t stand the way I talk, any of the subjects I choose to talk about, the imperious manner I order food in restaurants or tell cab drivers how much we owe them. You find my taste in women odious, the fact that I don’t own a television an unforgivable sin, and the fact that I would choose to write a book about Saudi Arabia completely unfathomable. And you’re also totally in love with me. If you weren’t you wouldn’t have pushed me into the pool earlier today when you saw Grazi walk in.”Every Boy's Got One

Meg Cabot

In his essay,Agastya had said that his real ambition was to be a domesticated male stray dog because they lived the best life.They were assured of food,and because they were stray they didn't have to guard a house or beg or shake paws or fetch trifles or be clean or anything similarly meaningless to earn their food.They were servile and sycophantic when hungry;once fed,and before sleep,they wagged their tails perfunctorily whenever their hosts passes,as an investment for future meals.A stray dog was free,he slept a lot,barked unexpectedly and only when he wanted to,and got a lot of sex.

Upamanyu Chatterjee

Greg starts a middle school and asks: Whyis "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And sayspeople need to shave twice a day.

Jeff Kinney

Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through.

P.G. Wodehouse

If you neglected to warn Djetth beforehand that you were going to shoot him down, Your Highness, he may consider you in breach of contr

Rowena Cherry

Eternal nothingness is okay if you are dressed for it.

David Krumholtz

I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. It's the way I take them OFF that makes me better than you.

Jessica Park

Oh! And they read English novels! David! Did you ever look into an English novel? Well, do not trouble yourself. It is nothing but a lot of nonsense about girls with fanciful names getting married.

Susanna Clarke

Don't ask me who's influenced me. A lion is made up of all the lambs he's digested, and I've been reading all my life.

Giorgos Seferis

Previous 1 … 40 41 42 43 44 … 63 Next

Humour Quotes - Page 42

Related Topics