Humour Quotes - Page 41

Then what do we call you?" another of the heat forms asked. "We are Rutan." "Our species need something a little more particular," the first heat form of the Time Lord said. "I think we’ll call you Fred, for ease of reference.

David A. McIntee

Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.

Elizabeth Rudnick

It's unwise to pay too much, but it's worse to pay too little. Whenyou pay too much, you lose a little money - that's all. When you paytoo little, you sometimes lose everything, because the thing youbought was incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do. Thecommon law of business balance prohibits paying a little and getting alot - it can't be done. If you deal with the lowest bidder, it is wellto add something for the risk you run, and if you do that you willhave enough to pay for something better.

John Ruskin

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman

Oscar Wilde

Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical!

J.K. Rowling

Just because your lover died doesn't mean you can't find another. Besides, ifyou don't start dating again your parents will intervene and I've met your parents, they scare the crap out of me."Anthony shivered at the memory of his parents'matchmaking skills. "Last time they fixed me up with a fairy."Steven snorted. "I thought you didn't like labels.""No. He was an actual fairy, you know, from Faeland."That got Steven's full attention. "What happened?"Anthony shrugged. "Let's just say it didn't work out.

Amber Kell

I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody.

J D ROBB

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

P.J. O'Rourke

He dunked his tea bag and watched the results critically. “I really must get a new supplier. This tea is pathetic. America just doesn’t understand tea at all.

Rachel Caine

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think!

Aleister Crowley

The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

Saki

Alltami (n.)The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.

Douglas Adams

Swans sing before they die— 't were no bad thing Should certain persons die before they sing.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Dorina?" Louis Cesare's voice was loud in my ear. The one I had squeezed against thephone, which was squeezed against my sore shoulder, becuase I was using both hands tokeep Ray's point in his pants."The fey, damm it!" I told him. "They're for the fey!""Which one?" Louis Cesare asked, his voice going velvety soft."All of them- No Ray! Ray, cut it out!""All of them?

Karen Chance

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman

Personally, I don’t think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Monkhouse

I was glad to be made awarethat “Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.

Roman Payne

The advantage of being married a long time was that one could argue without the necessity of the other's actual, physical presence.

William Browning Spencer

None of us like to think we are silly. But all must acknowledge that they are capable of silliness, from time to time

Jude Morgan

A dog has got human eyes.

Karl Pilkington

So what does that actually mean?''To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.''Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.

Derek Landy

-You forgot something important!-What?-It's under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!

Cornelia Funke

I was not so comfortable with my new authority that I could say 'We eat the chicken now!' but the magus had seen that I was considering it..."My purse is full enough," said the magus, "to keep you supplied with roast chickens.""So, so, so," I said. "We know who the power behind the throne is," and the magus laughed."You eat more than Gen did after prison," he said."I have more sympathy with him all the time. Are you going to finish that drumstick?" I asked."I am. Stop staring at it.

Megan Whalen Turner

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.

Dylan Moran

We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slovenians was spending too much money, so we put him on a boat and he landed in Scotland.

Slavoj Žižek

Mr. D," Grover asked timidly, "if you're not going to eat it, could I have your Diet Coke can?

Rick Riordan

I[John/Four] scratched Bernie Kosar's head. I don't think I could get used to calling him Hadley, but maybe I could get used to calling Six Maren Elizabeth. "I think you should take on a human name," I say. "If not Maren Elizabeth, then something else. I mean, at least for when we're in front of strangers." Everyone grows silent, and I reach behind me into the Chest for the velvet bag holding the Lorien's solar system. I set the six planets and the sun in my palm and watch them hover and glow to life. As the planets begin to orbit their sun, I find that I am able to dim their brightness with my mind. I intentionally lose myself in them, successfully forgetting just for a few moments that I might ba seeing Sarah soon. Six turns to look at the faint solar system that floats in front of my chest, and then she finally says. "I don't know; I still like the name Six. Maren Elizabeth was when I was a different person, and right now Six just feels right. It can be short for something if Someone asks." Sam looks over. "For what? Sixty?

Pittacus Lore

Even from far away, I could see people being chased by hellhounds, burned at the stake, forced to run naked through cactus patches or listen to opera music.

Rick Riordan

When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!

C. JoyBell C.

Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows' necks.

Carlos Ruiz Zafón

What could she have done? She was a heroine, and with that came certain obligations.

Emily C.A. Snyder

I'm living so far beyond my means that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Saki

Am sorry to note that abuse and condemnation of a common acquaintance often constitutes very strong bond of union between otherwise uncongenial spirits.

E.M. Delafield

He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later.

Dean Koontz

i won't be happy until i'm famous like God

Madonna

The man behind the check-in counter gives the impression that he has just axe-murdered the motel's owner (and family, and family pet) and is going through these procedures of hostelry so as not to arouse suspicion.

Paul Quarrington

Mr Wisdom,' said the girl who had led him into the presence.'Ah,' said Howard Saxby, and there was a pause of perhaps three minutes, during which his needles clicked busily. 'Wisdom, did she say?''Yes. I wrote "Cocktail Time"''You couldn't have done better,' said Mr Saxby cordially. 'How's your wife, Mr Wisdom?'Cosmo said he had no wife.'Surely?'"I'm a bachelor.'Then Wordsworth was wrong. He said you were married to immortal verse. Excuse me a moment,' murmured Mr Saxby, applying himself to the sock again. 'I'm just turning the heel. Do you knit?''No.''Sleep does. It knits the ravelled sleave of care.'(After a period of engrossed knitting, Cosmo coughs loudly to draw attention to his presence.)'Goodness, you made me jump!' he (Saxby) said. 'Who are you?''My name, as I have already told you, is Wisdom''How did you get in?' asked Mr Saxby with a show of interest.'I was shown in.''And stayed in. I see, Tennyson was right. Knowledge comes, but Wisdom lingers. Take a chair.''I have.''Take another,' said Mr Saxby hospitably.

P.G. Wodehouse

My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.“I’m your boss, Anna.”“What do you mean?”There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.

Andrew Shaffer

The matter with human beans," the BFG went on, "is that they is absolutely refusing to believe in anything unless they is actually seeing it right in front of their own schnozzles.

Roald Dahl

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.

Jane Austen

A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.

Gerald Raftery

Then they gave me a loaf of bread and told me to walk through the forest and give some to anyone who asked. I did exactly what they told me, and the second beggar-woman was a fairy in disguise, but instead of saying that whenever I spoke, diamonds and roses would drop from my mouth, she said that since I was so kind, I would never have any problems with my teeth.”“Really? Did it work?”“Well, I haven’t had a toothache since I met her.”“I’d much rather have good teeth than have diamonds and roses drop out of my mouth whenever I said something

Patricia C. Wrede

Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.

P.D. James

He can’t ground her if he’s already killed her,” I pointed out when Juliana quoted this to me. “Well, he can, but it wouldn’t have the same impact.

Claire LaZebnik

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy".

Christopher Moore

If anyone else asked that question, O He Who Is Terrible and Great, I would have said they were an ignorant fool; in you it is a sign of the disarming simplicity which is the fount of all virtue.

Jonathan Stroud

The universe is, instant by instant, recreated anew. There is in truth no past, only a memory of the past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.

Terry Pratchett

I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”He raises an eyebrow.“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?

Andrew Shaffer

You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality.

Sarah Vowell

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

Ambrose Bierce

I’d bet a month of dawn patrols those apprentices had something to do with it,” Birchfall meowed. “Why else would they disappear back to ShadowClan without their mother?”Dustpelt let out a snort of amusement. “I can just picture those three holding Blackstar down until he agreed.

Erin Hunter

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

Karl Pilkington

An Ass put on a Lion's skin and wentAbout the foreset with much merriment,Scaring the foolish beasts by brooks and rocks,Till at last he tried to scare the Fox. But Reynard, hearing from beneath the mane That Raucous voice so petulant and vain,Remarked. O' Ass, I too would run away,But that I know your old familiar bray'.That's just the way with asses, just the way.

Aesop

He unlaced his arms and took a step forward. "You hurt?""Not badly." She tried to smile, but her lips only curved on one side. "My main problem is that I'm stuck to a cactus."(...)"How'd you manage to get tangled up with a cactus?" J.T. crouched beside her and started extricating her from the prickly plant."Well, believe it or not, I was on my way to apologize to you when a prairie-dog hole jumped up and grabbed my shoe heel.

Karen Witemeyer

Rogue Squadron doesn’t run. Unless we really, really have to.""No, this will be Wraith Squadron’s mission.""We don’t mind running. Even when we don’t have to.

Aaron Allston

Awake,chaos:we have napped.

E.E. Cummings

On a Tuesday they were we, and by Friday they were dead and they buried them in the courtyard side by side, oh, my love, and they buried them dies by side" breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie, rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. "Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood-I mean Gideon- but I must go murder the cook. I shall be directly back.

Cassandra Clare

He’s my cat! He’s not God’s cat! Let God have his own cat! Let God have all the damn old cats He wants, and kill them all! Church is mine!

Stephen King

No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.

Cassandra Clare

[Lennie meets Joe - he works out that she was named after John Lennon]I nod. "Mom was a hippie." This is northern Northern California after all - the final frontier of freakerdom. Just in the eleventh grade we have a girl named Electricity, a guy named Magic Bus, and countless flowers: Tulip, Begonia, and Poppy - all parent-given-on-the-birth-certificate names. Tulip is a two-ton bruiser of a guy who would be the star of out football team if we were the kind of school that has optional morning meditation in the gym

Jandy Nelson

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Humour Quotes - Page 41

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