Humour Quotes - Page 40

If they were going to be like that, then I just wished they hadn't actually been German. It was too easy. Too obvious. It was like coming across an Irishman who actually was stupid, a mother-in-law who actually was fat, or an American businessman who actually did have a middle initial and smoked a cigar. You feel as if you are unwillingly performing in a music-hall sketch and wishing you could rewrite the script. If Helmut and Kurt had been Brazilian or Chinese or Latvian or anything else at all, they could then have behaved in exactly the same way and it would have been surprising and intriguing and, more to the point from my perspective, much easier to write about. Writers should not be in the business of propping up stereotypes. I wondered what to do about it, decided that they could simply be Latvians if I wanted, and then at last drifted off peacefully to worrying about my boots.

Douglas Adams

How could you receive a member of the Male Sex in your bedroom, and in your dressing gown?Sir, I must request you to leave immediately!""You don't mean to tell me that's a dressing gown?" interrupted Mr Carlton, a dangerous gleam in his eyes." Well, it's by far the most elegant one I've ever been priviledged to see, and I suppose I must have seen scores of 'em in my time-paid for them too!

Georgette Heyer

Horses frighten me as much as chickens do,’ he said.‘That is too bad, because lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress,’ said Abrenuncio. ‘If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur.

Gabriel García Márquez

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.

Louise Rennison

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds.

Rachel Cohn

Xander Harris: "Just when you think you know a guy he robs a mass grave and takes off.

Diana G. Gallagher

I don't see what my arse has to do with enchantings!

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy - and wont cross the street to vote in a national election.

Bill Vaughn

I have a sack of hate mail that I want to respond to. One day, when I’m tired or tipsy, I will respond and tell them what I think.

Chris Colfer

Fine. You stay here. I shall return when I’ve found food. But when you all faint from hunger later don’t think you can just feed on me.

C.J. Daugherty

Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm."It's green!" Nico said with delight.

Rick Riordan

I love you.''Yeah, well...''You make my heart want to beat.''That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.(...) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.''But my love for you is eternal.''That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Derek Landy

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

Erma Bombeck

As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. Even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying alone and being found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian.

Helen Fielding

Hairy monkeyballs!” I hiss. “Dogshit on a stick! Puke pancakes!” A head pokes in. Wren, green eyes smiling, walks over to my bed.“I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

Sara Wolf

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry

Whirrun ignored ‘em. ‘Then, when I’ve got two cut,’ and he dropped a pale slab of cheese on one slice then slapped the other on top like he was catching a fly, ‘I trap the cheese between then, and there you have it!’‘Bread and cheese.’ Yon weighed the half-loaf in one hand and the cheese in the other. ‘Just the same as I’ve got.’ And he bit off the cheese and tossed it to Scorry.Whirrun sighed. ‘Have none of you no vision?’ He held up his masterpiece to such light as there was, which was almost none. ‘This is no more bread and cheese than a fine axe is wood and iron, or a live person is meat and har.’‘What is it, then?’ asked Drfod, rocking back from his wet wood and tossing the flint aside in disgust.‘A whole new thing. A forging of the humble part of bread and cheese into a greater whole. I call it … a cheese-trap.’ Whirrun took a dainty nibble from one corner. ‘Oh, yes, my friends. This tastes like … progress…

Joe Abercrombie

If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life.

Kaede Kouchi

Cheese!" I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

Alan Bradley

If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Cheat? Good heavens, this is an amateur cricket match amongst leading prep schools, I'm an Englishman and a schoolmaster supposedly setting an example to his young charges. We are playing the most artistic and beautiful game ever devised. Of course I'll cunting well cheat. Now, give me my robe and put on my crown. I have immortal longings in me.

Stephen Fry

At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive.

Terry Pratchett

It was a trap. It was so obviously a trap.Darquesse smiled.

Derek Landy

The rottweiler stood his ground and waited for me to take the next step in the dance of ritualized intimidation. Instead, I leaped at him. Screw ritual. Now was not the time to stand on ceremony.

Kelley Armstrong

whoopdie-friggin-doo, fooled you!

Maggie Stiefvater

Once, I asked my mom why stars shine. She said they werenight-lights, so the angels could find their way around in Heaven.But when I asked my dad, he started talking about gas, and somehowI put it all together and figured that the food God served causedmultiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Jodi Picoult

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country."Good heavens!" cried Iliel, 'are we going to England?

Aleister Crowley

It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.

Jorge Luis Borges

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.

James Finn Garner

The name of the new religion," said Rumfoord, "is The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Groucho Marx

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Groucho Marx

Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].

Arya Riverdale

But we all had an agreement to let each other get away with everything! That's Capitalism!

Matt Groening

There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and broken grass-blades trembling in small air-movements they could not feel.'Not a bird!' said Sam mournfully.'No, no birds,' said Gollum. 'Nice birds!' He licked his teeth. 'No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,' he ended sadly. Sam looked at him with distaste.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity.

John Kennedy Toole

Damn straight" said Connor. " So yeah, I look at you and I could suck start a leaf blower, or drill a Kevin-shaped body hole into the wall, like a cartoon.

Z.A. Maxfield

She moved closer to me, put her hands to my face, and kissed me softly on the lips.God, it felt so good.So perfect, so right...It felt so good, I nearly fell off the roof.

Kevin Brooks

It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a doll's house. I thought that was silly as soon as I thought of it.

Raymond Chandler

I could eat a knob at night.

Karl Pilkington

He's never known anything like it! But then, he has never known anything to write home about, so this is nothing to write home about.

Tom Stoppard

Individuality: ten. Cautiousness: three. Combativeness: nine." She looked over and gave me a wink. "Well, what did you expect from a pirate's daughter? Hope: eight. Amativeness. What's that?"Kate acutally blushed. "I think it has something to do with your attractiveness to the opposite sex.""Ten," said Nadira, smiling modestly. (Skybreaker by Kenneth Oppel)

Kenneth Oppel

Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.

Oscar Wilde

Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?

Robert Clark

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Demetri Martin

Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.

Atsushi Ohkubo

The emperor is naked!"The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hush fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasant shouted:"No, he isn't. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!

James Finn Garner

I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

Edward Gorey

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Demetri Martin

I got to eavesdrop at a window. As Clay said, I did have another option. I could wait in the car and let them fill me in later. So, eavesdropping it was.

Kelley Armstrong

All right." He straightened up and seemed to be true to his promise to let it go. "I will be a man about this."That lasted until he saw the scratches on the hood from the mountain lion and the front fender, Where Abigail had dragged it off the driveway.Wailing, he went to it and sank to his knees. He sprawled over the hood and laid his head on the damaged fender. "I'm so sorry, Bets. I should of hidden the keys. Booted your tires. Something. I had know idea anyone would hurt you so, baby. I swear I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ayyy, how could they do this to you? How? Oh the humanity!

Sherrilyn Kenyon

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

Jay Leno

Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Robert Orben

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.

Zach Helm

The thinner the excuse, the fatter the reason for it.

Jerry Scott

A Prayer was like a tickle.Sooner or later God would have to look down to see what was tickling his bum.

Lloyd Jones

I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none.

Ben Shahm

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Humour Quotes - Page 40

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