Humour Quotes - Page 36

The encapsulated bird your conspirators sent you to fetch. The sterilized male chicken with the Creator DNA sequences. The plot capon. Where is it?
Charles Stross
He's got a chloroform-soaked rag in one hand, and before Judy realizes what's happening, the dude is all over her like fat on cheese.
Dean Koontz
...and thus he found his single source of joy in the society of other people: frightening the girls with his penis.
Christopher Moore
Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.
Graham Greene
His jaw was set, telling me I should back off. Unfortunately, being a gobby cow meant I couldn’t.
Kyra Lennon
...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.
Joshua Donellan
I liked, as I like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unawares. What is this jest in majesty? This ass in passion? How do god and devil combine to form a live dog?
Vladimir Nabokov
On the Ning Nang NongWhere the Cows go Bong!And the Monkeys all say Boo!Theres a Nang Nong NingWhere the trees go Ping!And the tea pots Jibber Jabber JooOn the Nong Ning NangAll the Mice go Clang!And you just cant catch em when they do!So its Ning Nang Nong!Cows go Bong!Nong Nang Ning!Trees go Ping!Nong Ning Nang!The mice go Clang!What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!
Spike Milligan
Where do rumors come from, Sir Kofa?" i was truly curious to know the answer."Where don't they come from? I suppose the majority of rumors are a combination of leaked information and the astouding imaginations of numerous storytellers. And, of course, the hope that things aren't really as boring as they seem on the surface.
Max Frei
People have many cruel expectations from writers. People expect novelists to live on a hill with three kids and a spouse, people expect children's story writers to never have sex, and people expect all great poets to be dead. And these are all very difficult expectations to fulfill, I think.
C. JoyBell C.
He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba.
Terry Pratchett
My Teacher Sees Right Through MeI didn’t do my homework.My teacher asked me, “Why?”I answered him, “It’s much too hard.”He said, “You didn’t try.” I told him, “My dog ate it.”He said, “You have no dog.”I said, “I went out running.”He said, “You never jog.” I told him, “I had chores to do.”He said, “You watched TV.”I said, “I saw the doctor.”He said, “You were with me.” My teacher sees right through my fibs,which makes me very sad.It’s hard to fool the teacherwhen the teacher is your dad.
Bruce Lansky
Check-ups are, in my experience, a grave mistake; all they do is allow the quack of your choice to tell you that you have some sort of complaint that you were far happier not knowing about.
John Mortimer
This is not the way things are done in Boy’s Own Adventure books. I recall no mentions of homosexual gang-rape and cannibalism
Robert Rankin
leave not a speck.that may cause a wreck...
Tushar Raheja
You probably think that being a guest in your aunt's house I would hesitate to butter you all over the front lawn and dance on the fragments in hobnailed boots, but you are mistaken. It would be a genuine pleasure. By an odd coincidence I brought a pair of hobnailed boots with me!' So saying, and recognising a good exit line when he saw one, he strode out, and after an interval of tense meditation I followed him. (Spode to Wooster)
P.G. Wodehouse
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing,you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.The one that's out always looks the best
Will Rogers
Y-naga: "That's the thing... It's like trying to find a guy who's a kid at heart but still a responsible adult, so he can be counted on when I find myself in a pinch, somebody who's a little wild at times but normally lets me have my way even when I'm being selfish and just says, "well, if you insist," a guy who's not too full of himself but understands what clothes suit his body type best..."S-hara: "What I'm saying is the pretty ones are stupid! The ones who have it all together are all so, so stubborn that they never do things my way!
Fumi Yoshinaga
Humour is meant, in a literal sense, to make game of man; that is, to dethrone him from his official dignity and hunt him like game.
G.K. Chesterton
Normal is just a settng on your dryer
Patsy Clairmont
Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.
Harland Williams
With him big Phil from Notting Hill an old "face" from the sixties a pin up gangster with a "mars bar" weal scraping his left cheek and of course two "wag" slags in tow trussed up like French Poodles with "Bratz babe" stares and Gucci Handbags
Saira Viola
Why save the rainforest, the whales, or the world when you can devote your time to saving syllables?
Lindsay Faith Rech
I'm not a detective from Baker Street or an old lady who solves crimes while she's knitting in an easy chair. I'm just a book girl. So I can't make a deduction, only take a flight of fancy--er, forget I said that. I meant, I can only take a guess.
Mizuki Nomura
...You haven't I suppose ever mixed with politicians at close quarters. They're awful...their stupidity is inhuman.
Robert Skidelsky
Need to get to Ruislip by sparrow-fart though', said the squadron leader. 'Think you can do that? Can I come along for the ride?
Robert Rankin
Every Englishman abroad, until it is proved to the contrary, likes to consider himself a traveller and not a tourist.
Evelyn Waugh
You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.
Salman Rushdie
Recklessness is almost a man's revenge on his woman.
D.H. Lawrence
Are we making a bomb?" "This is a trust exercise, like in drama," she says. "Are we making a bomb as a trust exercise?
Joe Dunthorne
...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy.
G.K. Chesterton
My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.
G.K. Chesterton
mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination
S. Spencer Baker
Anyway, as the old barrelhouse song says, My God, how the money rolled in. Norton must have subscribed to the old Puritan notion that the best way to figure out which folks God favours is by checking their bank acounts.
Stephen King
If asked which words one associated with the Sahara, only the most dedicated surrealist might be expected to offer "whale".
Eamonn Gearon
Logan licked a glob of strawberry jelly from her lower lip and smiled upat Odin. Only one comment seemed to perfectly fit her current situation. “Isee dead people.”He leaned forward, hands on his hips. “Me, too. It’s the only explanationfor what’s standing in front of me. Unless some high school kids broke intothe anatomy closet and stole the classroom skeleton, stretched some cadaverskin over that bitch then cast an ancient ritual to animate it.
Jennifer Turner
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Jeff Marder
Having one eye makes you see the world in unusual ways, Shockwave..." -Overlord
Nick Roche
- "Sometimes I think people would believe in aliens before they'd believe in demons"- "That's how it is, now!
Jon Skovron
I smiled at him, “It’s okay, boys can be dumb.”Alex smirked, “Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy.
Joanne McClean
Such a narrative as this demands some sort of physical consolation for its spiritual tribulation. Our heroine received it in one last cup of tea. The reader may be advised to do so likewise.
Emily C.A. Snyder
Another strike of lightening – now accompanied by the deep-bellied rumble, and the horse reared, incidentally setting Henry very picturesquely against the inconstant moon. Alas, Catherine was deeply engaged in her argument with Old Edric and this missed entirely the melodramatic display. But we may assume that, possessing so strong an imagination, Catherine had often pictured Henry thus...
Emily C.A. Snyder
It'd be funny if one of them was called Gavin. Funny but irrelevant.
John Marsden
In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.
John Biggins
What's happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of 'home' with the possibility of 'an investment opportunity'. What kind of creature wants to live in an 'investment opportunity'? Only man.The fox has his den. The bee has his hive. The stoat, has, uh... his stoat-hole... but only man chooses to make his nest in an investment opportunity. Mmm, snuggled down in the lovely credit! All warm, in the mortgage payment, mmmmm...
Stewart Lee
No Ghost of any common sense begins a conversation
Lewis Carroll
Okay, I guess you can come in.""Um, Hannah, you have to, you know, open the front door so I can actually come in.""I thought you were going to - you're standing under my window. Aren't you supposed to climb up here or something?""My ladder's at home. Also, you call throwing rocks at your window clichéd?
Elizabeth Scott
For my last birthday, Dad bought me a pocket-sized Collins English Dictionary. It would only fit in a pocket that had been specially designed.
Joe Dunthorne
What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.
Simon R. Green
Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.
Howard Tayler
Am I gay, am I straight? No, I'm just slutty. So, where's my parade? What about slut pride.
Margaret Cho
I’m Sam Donovan.” “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.” “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.” Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?
Linda Howard
Men are scumbags until they prove they're women.
Robin Mellom
Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind.
Agatha Christie
She was tempted to take the elevator instead of the stairs just this once. But that was how it started. Take the elevator tonight because she was tired and her feet hurt from having been trapped in three-inch stilettos all day, and then tomorrow she'd want to take it because she was running late. Then, the next thing she knew she'd be taking elevators all over the place because she got winded climbing stairs.
Melissa F. Miller
Lentokonesuihkuturbiinimoottoriapumekaanikkoaliupseerioppilas (technical warrant officer trainee specialised in aircraft jet engines)
Tarja Moles
You know what the best thing is about the end of the day? Tomorrow, it starts all over again.
Douglas Coupland
I want you to move in with me, man.""Nah. I appreciate it, but I need to get a place of my own. I'm a grownup.
Damon Suede
Casting my own eye down Fifth Avenue as my belly swelled, I would register with incredulity: Every one of these people came from a woman's cunt.
Lionel Shriver

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