Humour Quotes - Page 35

Don't mind Russ," he says. "He's a good kid underneath all those holes, although it's a wonder he doesn't spring a leak when he drinks

Sara Gruen

I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.

Lauren Ambrose as Claire Fisher

Strange, isn't it,' mused Glokta as he watched him struggle for air. 'Big men, small men, thin men, fat men, clever men, stupid men, they all respond the same to a fist in the guts. One minute you think you're the most powerful man in the world. The next you can't even breathe by yourself.

Joe Abercrombie

It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon it says, "Work!" After beefsteak and porter, it says, "Sleep!" After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls for each cup, and don't let it stand for more than three minutes), it says to the brain, "Now rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature, and into life: spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to the gates of eternity!

Jerome K. Jerome

Right now I've got just two rules to live by.Rule one: don't taunt elephants.Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.-Sergeant Schlock

Howard Tayler

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

Demetri Martin

The thought of talking about it made Pueblo's gut ache, but then he thought of everything that Amy had been through – not that she'd told him her version yet. She had balls of steel, he thought with a smile. And what did he have? Three pairs of loin cloths going crisp on the radiator.

Dianna Hardy

The place had enormous possibilities. He realized that at once. The stream, of course, was perfect for sailing toy boats, for skipping stones, and, in the event of failing inspiration, for falling into. Several of the trees appeared to have been specifically designed for climbing, and one huge, white old birch overhanging the stream promised the exhilarating combination of climbing a tree and falling into the water, all at one time.

David Eddings

Do you really think he was flirting with me?""Let's see. He gave you candy you hate - I saw your face - and a CD of songs..." He looks at the CD. "All of these are, like, twenty years old at least. Figures. Oh, and he groped your face. Sounds like true love to me.

Elizabeth Scott

It took Pueblo a few seconds to take in his surroundings. The first thing he realised was that he felt bruised all over; the second was that his clothes were waterlogged, even more than before, from the quicksand; and the third, was that he had landed on his front and was lying on a large, uncomfortable stone.No, wait… In his disoriented state, he shifted his weight. The stone didn't move. He was lying on his own fucking erection.

Dianna Hardy

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

Haruki Murakami

The big bad monster wasn't green and hiding under the bed, it wore tasteless floral prints, bright scarlet lipstick and sat in the kitchen smoking and saying 'bollocks' alot.

Jo Brand

All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.

Fred Allen

How on earth did I get here, and where the hell are my pants?

John Nunley

Network administrators all share an abiding and passionate desire for one thing: We want our users to shut up.

Michael W. Lucas

Do you know what she did today?" He leaned confidentially across the table, pointing at the dishes in the sink. "She went to the market and left all the breakfast dishes there and said she'd do them later. I know what she wanted. She expected me to do them. Well, I'll fool her. I'll leave them just where they are.

Ayn Rand

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was...........Dumbledore!

Tara Gilesbie

The trouble with England, he thinks, is that it's so poor in gesture. We shall have to develop a hand signal for ‘Back off, our prince is fucking this man's daughter.’ He is surprised that the Italians have not done it. Though perhaps they have, and he just never caught on.

Hilary Mantel

I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!

Tara Gilesbie

Agent Jones held Sinjin’s face in his hands. “I’m going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals.”“How right you are, strange delusional man,” Sinjin said.

Libba Bray

Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction!Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family.

Tom Stoppard

Pretend to be mad and talk a lot. Then — and this is the important bit — do nothing at all until you absolutely have to and then make sure everyone dies.

Jasper Fforde

Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Howard Tayler

Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.

Howard Tayler

Thou art hunger, yo. Make with the starvation.

Jackie Morse Kessler

Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Howard Tayler

He must have been delightful," she said, "when he was alive!

Margaret Widdemer

He eased back and murmured, “You taste so damn sweet. Like maple syrup.”“And you taste like stolen bacon.

Lorelei James

Tell me you spotted a condom tree over to the right by the stream of lube.

Jane Davitt

A despairing arse will never produce a happy fart.

Frater U.:D.:

Eating was easy. Thinking was hard.

Jeanette Winterson

So asking you to take a moonlit walk with me, that would totally not work?""What?" Again that glare. "Go away. Stop being an idiot. I don't even know you.""You're healing my little brother Bowie.""Yeah, that doesn't make us friends, kid.""So no moonlight.""Are you retarded?""Sunrise? I could get up early.""Go away.""Sunset tomorrow?" -Sanjit & Lana

Michael Grant

Well he should get over himself. He tried to get me burned at the stake in Brit History yesterday. Here I am minding my own business like a good little girl, and out of the blue Tucker raises his hand and accuses me of being a witch" "sounds like something Tucker would do" admits wendy."Everybody had to vote on it. I barely escaped with my nuns life. Obviously I'll have to return the favour.

Cynthia Hand

Mary, you know I hate parties. My idea of hell is a very large party in a cold room where everybody has to play hockey properly.

Stella Gibbons

The craft's occupants clutched their armrests, and more than one of them closed their eyes. But not Artemis. He couldn't. There was something morbidly fascinating about flying into an uncharted tunnel at a reckless speed with only a kleptomaniac dwarf's word for what lay at the other end.

Eoin Colfer

Preserve me from such cordiality! It is like handling briar-roses and may-blossoms - bright enough to the eye, and outwardly soft to the touch, but you know there are thorns beneath, and every now and then you feel them too; and perhaps resent the injury by crushing them in till you have destroyed their power, though somewhat to the detriment of your own fingers.

Anne Brontë

GUIL: It [Hamlet's madness] really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws -- riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless in public -- knock-kneed, droop-stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong.ROS: And talking to himself.GUIL: And talking to himself.

Tom Stoppard

If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.

Terry Pratchett

Aim towards enemy." - instructions on U.S. rocket launcher

U.S. instruction manual

You will be interested to hear, Hilary, that it [the drug] had a most remarkable effect — even on Selena after a very modest quantity. She cast off all conventional restraints and devoted herself without shame to the pleasure of the moment." I asked for particulars of this uncharacteristic conduct. "She took from her handbag a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice and sat on the sofa reading it, declining all offers of conversation.

Sarah Caudwell

Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did."She briefly toyed with the idea of lying and saying no, just to see the look on his face, but she'd had enough of having her brain played with – it wouldn't be too sporting to do the same to him. "Yes, I remember, and don't you think for one minute that just because you had me on my back screaming I was 'yours'," she waved four fingers in quotation marks in front of his face, "that it gives you any kind of ownership over me, because it doesn't."He looked annoyed, then relieved, then he laughed. "Yeah, whatever, baby.

Dianna Hardy

There's always a 'but' when it comes to jobs. Like, I love my job but my colleagues are first-rate, but...a couple of them like to dress like superheroes on the weekend and I can't help but wonder if they're nuts." - Logan

Nicholas Sparks

Stephen nodded. 'Tell me,' he said, in a low voice, some moments later. 'Were I under naval discipline, could that fellow have me whipped?'He nodded towards Mr Marshall. 'The master?' cried Jack, with inexpressible amazement. 'Yes,' said Stephen looking attentively at him, with his head slightly inclined to the left. 'But he is the master...' said Jack. If Stephen had called the sophies stem her stern, or her truck her keel, he would have understood the situation directly; but that Stephen should confuse the chain of command, the relative status of a captain and a master, of a commissioned officer and a warrant officer, so subverted the natural order, so undermined the sempiternal universe, that for a moment his mind could hardly encompass it. Yet Jack, though no great scholar, no judge of a hexameter, was tolerably quick, and after gasping no more than twice he said, 'My dear sir, I beleive you have been lead astray by the words master and master and commander- illogical terms, I must confess. The first is subordinate to the second. You must allow me to explain our naval ranks some time. But in any case you will never be flogged- no, no; you shall not be flogged,' he added, gazing with pure affection, and with something like awe, at so magnificent a prodigy, at an ignorance so very far beyond anything that even his wide-ranging mind had yet conceived.

Patrick O'Brian

We are searching for the same thing,” Stripey said.“How do you know?” Janco asked.“I read his mind.” The Sitian pointed to Ari. “Yours was too…chaotic. Too many useless thoughts to wade through.”A compliment or an insult? Janco guessed compliment and preened.

Maria V. Snyder

Mercer,” Polly says, “we are now going to hug. As a group. The experience will be very un-English. It will be good for you. Do not speak, at all, especially not in an attempt to diffuse the emotional intensity of the situation.”They hug, somewhat awkwardly, but with great feeling.“Well,” Mercer says, after a moment, “that was certainly—”“I will hit you with a shovel,” Polly Cradle murmurs.

Nick Harkaway

Naboo: "You've read all the books, but when it comes to the crunch, where are you?"Saboo: "The crunch! How dare you speak to me of the crunch? You know nothing of the crunch. You've never even been to the crunch!"Naboo: "Been there once."Saboo: "Oh, a little day trip 'round the crunch, we can all go there as tourists. 'Ooh, that's a bit of crunch-'"Naboo: "Shut it!

Julian Barratt

Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse

Alan Carr

Too BusyI've folded all my laundryand put it in the drawer.I've changed my linen, made my bed,and swept my bedroom floor. I've emptied out the garbageand fixed tomorrow's lunch.I've baked some cookies for dessertand given dad a munch.I've searched the house for pencilsand sharpened every one.There are so many things to dowhen homework must be done.

Bruce Lansky

We are getting older fatter and balder. Each day brings us one step closer to death. Other than that, life's a ding-a-derry.

M. Kushner

How are you? My father could say this quicker than anybody. He was always the first to say how are you, provided the occasion called for it, and he saw his chance. Thanks to this skill, he was made ambassador to England ...

Péter Esterházy

After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

Spike Milligan

philosophy is not suited for the masses, what they need is holiness.

Friedrich Nietzsche

If you want to find out if someone is a true bookworm or not, give them a thousand page novel and see what happens.

E.A. Bucchianeri

Shall we proceed, and ought I do so with my knife drawn?”“You’d better keep it where it is for the moment,” he said. “Otherwise you might stab me to death accidentally.” .“If I stab you to death,” she said, “it will not be accidental.

Loretta Chase

We're all leaving now", Blue Eyes whispered to her. "Together. Out the front door. Scream, and we'll kill you here and now."Or later", Willow suggested nervously. "Later would be a big improvement on that idea. We could meet back here in, say, an hour, and you can exhibit your homicidal tendencies then, okay? That would be way better for us.

Christopher Golden

Sometime later the islanders on a little rimward atoll were amazed to find, washed into their little local lagoon, the wave-rocked corpse of a hideous sea monster, all beaks, eyes and tentacles. They were further astonished at its size, since it was rather larger than their village. But their surprise was tiny compared to the huge, stricken expression on the face of the dead monster, which appeared to be have been trampled to death.

Terry Pratchett

It was almost noon when the plane touched down at the Triad airport on the outskirts of Greensboro. There was a hire car waiting for me; I waved my notepad at the dashboard to transmit my profile, then waited as the seating and controls rearranged themselves slightly, piezoelectric actuators humming. As I started to reverse out of the parking bay, the stereo began a soothing improvisation, flashing up a deadpan title: Music for Leaving Airports 11 June 2008.

Greg Egan

Denis could think of no logical reason why he should not attempt to mate with Beth Cooper.There were no laws explicitly against it.They were of the same species, and had complementary sex organs, most likely, based on extensive mental modeling Denis had done.

Larry Doyle

God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take God by surprise.

Langston Hughes

-I love you, Lenny.-From the diaphragm.-What are you talking about?-You have to say it from the diaphragm. That's a muscle in here. Real deep, not from the throat. I tried to be an actor once and that's the first thing they told me. That's when I quit. I just didn't have that much in my diaphragm.

Romain Gary

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Humour Quotes - Page 35

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