Humour Quotes - Page 32

Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!

And then, all of a sudden, he stopped, and his jaw dropped as though he had remembered something."The score!" he burst out. "Three goes o' rum! Why, shiver my timbers, if I hadn't forgotten my score!"And, falling on a bench, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. I could not help joining; and we laughed together, peal after peal, until the tavern rang again.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Dear Rocky,Here I am taking my pencil in my hand to say hello, hoping you are in the best of health, both physically and mentally. As for me, I am fine thanks to Almighty God.The weather in the valley is in the shits. It's been raining since Thanksgiving and here it is almost at the end of December and it's still raining. Instead of growing a prick, I think I'm going to grow a tail, like a tadpole. Ha, ha, ha!

Rocky Gamez

Well, some men learn by listening, some read, some observe and analyze — and some of us just have to pee on the electric fence.

Spider Robinson

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

Rodney Dangerfield

On my first day in London I made an early start. Reaching the Public Record Office not much after ten, I soon secured the papers I needed for my research and settled in my place. I became, as is the way of the scholar, so deeply absorbed as to lose all consciousness of my surroundings or of the passage of time. When at last I came to myself, it was almost eleven and I was quite exhausted: I knew I could not prudently continue without refreshment.

Sarah Caudwell

Yes,' Spade growled. 'And when you're slapped you'll take it and like it.' He released Cairo's wrist and with a thick open hand struck the side of his face three times savagely.

Dashiell Hammett

Julia's unhappy relationship with the Inland Revenue was due to her omission, during four years of modestly successful practice at the Bar, to pay any income tax. The truth is, I think, that she did not, in her heart of hearts, really believe in income tax. It was a subject which she had studied for examinations and on which she had thereafter advised a number of clients: she naturally did not suppose, in these circumstances, that it had anything to do with real life.

Sarah Caudwell

I'll be with my sister. And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smoke signals last year." - Nana

Nicholas Sparks

What followed was for him a very entertaining spectacle, with one of Edward's brothers seemingly intent upon the most subtle of seductions and the other barely able to force malmsey past the gorge rising in his throat.

Sharon Kay Penman

We took a bus to the nearby monastery of one of the last great Tang dynasty Chan masters, Yun-men. Yun-men was known for his pithy “one word” Zen. When asked “What is the highest teaching of the Buddha?” he replied: “An appropriate statement.” On another occasion, he answered: “Cake.” I admired his directness.

Stephen Batchelor

I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother

George R.R. Martin

The shock of photographed atrocities wears off with repeated viewings, just as the surprise and bemusement felt the first time one sees a pornographic movie wear off after one sees a few more.

Susan Sontag

I have been seeing dragons again.Last night, hunched on a beaver dam,one held a body like a badly held cocktail;his tail, keeping the beat of a waltz,sent a morse of ripples to my canoe.They are not richly brightbut muted like dawnsor the vague sheen on a fly's wing.Their old flesh drags in foldsas they drop into grey pools,strain behind a tree.Finally the others saw one today, trapped,tangled in our badminton net.The minute eyes shuddered deep in the creased facewhile his throat, strangely fierce, stretchedto release an extinct burning inside:pathetic loud whispers as four of usand the excited spaniel surrounded him.

Michael Ondaatje

Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched any desire to drink from its depths.

Sharon Kay Penman

She opened her mouth, clamped it shut again. This was new, this sudden favor shown Gloucester, had been brought back with him from Burgundy like some malevolent foreign pox.

Sharon Kay Penman

I left the warehouse at 8.00am. I don't believe in 8.00am. It exists, though. 8.00am is incontrovertible evidence that evil dwells in the world.

Andrew Masterson

I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.

Samuel Butler

The great are eternally at the mercy of tiny men. And also, tiny madwomen.

Salman Rushdie

Why couldn't Rachel be a little more specific about the type of person she was? Goodness knew; if she were a hippie I'd talk to her about her drug experiences, the zodiac, tarot cards. If she were left-wing I'd look miserable, hate Greece, and eat baked beans straight from the tin. If she were the sporty type I'd play her at... chess and backgammon and things.

Martin Amis

At the bottom of the hill they came out of the trees to a busy street and Antwan said, "We cross here." "Ain't no lights here," Antwan said. "Just look out for the ones trying to hit you. There's a nice-looking blonde-haired female human lives around here - any time she sees me she tries to run me down.

Elmore Leonard

Glenn could see I was bricking it and turned round to me as I sat there, gripping the armrests."You all right?" he said."I hate flying, Boss. I'm shitting myself.""Don't worry, Merse. It's going to be OK. We *won't* crash."I thought, "Thank God for that. Glenn's said we're going to be safe. Nothing's going to fuck with us now.

Paul Merson

So Basically I'm the Antichrist , and the whole world is fucked because of me" - Jordon Hanson.

Barry James

One soldier picked up a dead Argentine, supported the corpse's weight underneath his arm, put a cigarette in the dead man's mouth, then one in his own. He then held a lighter under the corpse's cigarette and his friend took a photograph. They both laughed. I also laughed.This was foolish ― smoking can kill.

Ken Lukowiak

I crawled back to bed, knowing I was done for. Hours later, the phone in our room started ringing. It was George. He was not happy."Room 312. Now!" he shouted.Bouldy got up. I tried to pull myself together, splashing my face with water and hauling on my shorts and flip flops. It was a lovely day outside, the sun was scorching hot and there wasn't a cloud in the sky, but it might as well have been a pissing wet morning in St Albans for all I cared. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach as we made the Walk of Death to Room 312, which I knew was Paul and Gus's room.When we walked in, I thought I'd arrived in downtown Baghdad. Water dripped from the ceiling. The board games were in pieces and all the plastic parts were scattered over the floor. The balcony window was wide open and I could see a bed upended by the pool outside.

Paul Merson

I heard you went to Ireland...I haven't seen it in many years. Is it still green then, and beautiful?Wet as a bath sponge and mud to the knees but, aye, it was green enough.

Diana Gabaldon

Just then there came the wheezy sound of an accordion. It was an odd little tune that, had he been alive exactly one hundred and fifty years later, the scarf-wearing pirate would have recognized as the first few bars from ‘Theme to Murder, She Wrote’.

Gideon Defoe

This is why I didn’t get married last year,” she said to him. “I wouldn’t be here to nurse you.” She thought about that for a moment. “Of course, one could make the argument that you wouldn’t be in this situation if not for me. But we’re not going to dwell upon that.

Julia Quinn

For my part, I am determined never to speak of it again to anybody. I told my sister Phillips so the other day.

Jane Austen

I have lived now for over a century, yet I can still say with complete confidence that no one can claim to have plumbed the depths of human misery who has not shared the fore-ends of a submarine with a camel.

John Biggins

Just then Trafton walked up to the four of us. "I can see this is a little gang on campus" said Trafton "How do I join?""Dial 1800 - not on your life and see how that works out for you," said LisabelleTafton smiled at her "I know that behind that harsh exterior you have a kind and gentle soul." "No" said Lisabelle "I really don't. I'm pretty much always this unpleasant with the desired result of being left alone. Why am I not being left alone?

Maddy Edwards

For some reason she found that Allan Harrington's attitude of absolute detachment made the whole affair seem much easier for her. And when Mrs. Harrington slipped a solitaire diamond into her hand as she went, instead of disliking it she enjoyed its feel on her finger, and the flash of it in the light. She thanked Mrs. Harrington for it with real gratitude. But it made her feel more than ever engaged to marry her mother-in-law.

Margaret Widdemer

The grass on the other side of the hill may well be greener, but you should always check that there isn't something with teeth and claws crouching in it.

Chris I. Naylor

All that evening he talked to the Candle of Arras, in a low confidential tone. When you get down to it, he thought, there's not much difference between politics and sex; it's all aboutpower. He didn't suppose he was the first person in the world to make this observation. It's a question of seduction, and how fast and cheap you can effect it: if Camille, he thought, approximates to one of those little milliners who can't make ends meet - in other words, an absolute pushover - then Robespierre is a Carmelite, mind set on becoming Mother Superior. You can't corrupt her; you can wave your cock under her nose, and she's neither shocked nor interested: why should she be, when she hasn't the remotest ideawhat it's for?

Hilary Mantel

The year was dying early, the leaves were falling fast, it was a raw cold day when we took possession, and the gloom of the house was most depressing. The cook (an amiable woman, but of a weak turn of intellect) burst into tears on beholding the kitchen, and requested that her silver watch might be delivered over to her sister (2 Tuppintock’s Gardens, Liggs’s Walk, Clapham Rise), in the event of anything happening to her from the damp. Streaker, the housemaid, feigned cheerfulness, but was the greater martyr. The Odd Girl, who had never been in the country, alone was pleased, and made arrangements for sowing an acorn in the garden outside the scullery window, and rearing an oak.

Charles Dickens

He looked like a young Crusader on a tomb. That was Phyllis's first impression of Allan Harrington.

Margaret Widdemer

And the way you lost your temper!" went on Wallis enthusiastically. "Oh, Mr. Allan, it was beautiful! You haven't been more than to say snarly since the accident! It was so like the way you used to throw hair-brushes--

Margaret Widdemer

And remember, Wallis, there's something the matter with Mr. Allan's shutters. They won't always close the sunshine out as they should."Wallis almost winked, if an elderly, mutton-chopped servitor can be imagined as winking."No, ma'am," he promised. Something wrong with 'em. I'll remember, ma'am.

Margaret Widdemer

Detective Inspector Eccles sighed. He may ordinarily have met his sigh with the question of why the newly appointed Superintendent Dickinson was turning up to this late hour crime scene, he may also ordinarily question why his superior officer was dressed as Julius Caesar, in full tunic and green leafy wreath, yet ever since the new and youngest-ever-appointed superintendent had arrived at the Met it had been all too clear he was an officer who didn’t quite do things by the eBook.

Tom Conrad

Death by creaming

Yvonne miller

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

Joshua Donellan

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

Joshua Donellan

Americans invented adolescence. It is not a natural phenomenon. Adolescence is a social construct, created by an urban-industrial society that keeps its young at home far past puberty. Teenage angst is a luxury if a successful modern human conceit that isn't condoned by our superior species.

Sarah Beth Durst

Armour... is part of a state of mind... in which you admit the possibility... of being hit.

Joe Abercrombie

Impartially, shrewdly, I considered suicide, though not in my worst moments. The bottle of pills. The note: 'No hard feelings, everyone, but I've thought about it and it's just not on, is it? It's nearly on, but not quite. No? Anyway, all the best, C.

Martin Amis

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days.

Terry Pratchett

I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

He felt water run down his back from the damp brickwork he was sitting against, and as he worried distantly about corrosion he realised you can always fall a little further. A moment ago he thought he'd bottomed out, but now he was concerned about personal rust. Mother of fuck.

Christopher Brookmyre

It was entirely possible I would sexually assault him if I got too close.

Caroline Hanson

You think I can't get it up anymore, maybe? Lemme tell you, you eat enough garlic and it stands up every time.

Alberto Vitale

He was under the mistaken impression that I didn't have enough tact.The truth was, I had no tact.

Caroline Hanson

In his autobiography Stravinsky relates that the first music he remembers was made by a peasant, working his hand in his armpit to produce a rhytmic farting.

Craig Raine

What in cat hell just happened?

Sarah Jane Avory

A sturdy hold, but I think there's something up with the material.

Pete Sortwell

The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh!

Kevin Hearne

It also makes my father right again. How will I ever soar with the eagles if I'm surrounded by turkeys?

A.S. King

This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together.

Jim Butcher

I’m waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh’s pharmacist writes a book.

Carl Hiaasen

Somebody should have taken him to a stationary store and pointed out the difference between an envelope and a whore.

Richard Brautigan

This revolution - will it be a living?''We must hope so. Look, I have to go, I'm visiting a client. He's going to be hanged tomorrow.''Is that usual?''Oh, they always hang my clients. Even in property and matrimonial cases.

Hilary Mantel

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Humour Quotes - Page 32

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