Humour Quotes - Page 31

I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.

Right, then.” He pointed across to a bank of phones against the wall. “If you want to check your voice mail, now’s the time.”“Where’s my phone?”“Out of service.”“It was fine in the car.”“It’s not fine now.”“What’d you do to it?”“Put it out of our misery. I’m sorry, Kate. But every minute it’s on, you’re traceable to within the length of a football field, anywhere on the planet.

Jennifer Lee Carrell

AAAAIIIE!You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?-Sergeant Schlock

Howard Tayler

Ruby poked at her rice, her mind racing. Perhaps he'd mistaken her for someone who had done a massage course or was qualified to give spriritual advice. She could only give advice on spirits, and only then if they were alcoholic.

Lia Weston

On the drive up here, I saw a goose," he says. "A Canada goose. Fred told me they shit something horrible. They migrate between the north and the south, don't they? Like seniors.

Brian Francis

The Hamians!'The centurion‟s voice was little better than a squeak. Julius snorted his disdain.'What about the Hamians? Useless bow-waving women. All they‟re good for is hunting game. There‟s a war on, in case you hadn‟t noticed. We need infantrymen, big lads withspears and shields to strengthen our line. Archers are no bloody use in an infantry cohort.'He raised his meaty fist. 'No, mate, you‟re going to get what‟s coming your way.'The other man gabbled desperately, staring helplessly at the poised fist.'There‟s two centuries of them, two centuries. Take them and the Tungrians and that‟s two hundred and fifty men.'Marcus spoke, having stood quietly in the background so far.'So we could make a century of the best of them, dump the rest on the Second Cohort when we catch up with them and take back the century he sold them in return.'Julius turned his head to look at the younger man, keeping the transit officer clamped inplace with seemingly effortless strength.'Are you mad? There won‟t be a decent man among them. They‟ll be arse-poking,make-up-wearing faggots, the lot of them. All those easterners are, it‟s in the blood. They‟ll mince round the camp holding hands and tossing each other off in the bathhouse.

Anthony Riches

New Maxi-Pad Pets. Accessories for your period.Brought to you by The Corporation: In your homes andin your pants.

Libba Bray

I can lie about my name, I can lie about my school, but how am I going to lie about this fucking nose? "You seem like a very nice person Mr. Porte-Noir, but why do you go around covering the middle of your face like that?" Because suddenly it has taken off, the middle of my face! Because gone is the button of my childhood years, that pretty little thing that people used to look at in my carriage, and lo and behold, the middle of my face has begun to reach out towards God. Porte-Noir and Parsons my ass, kid, you have got J-E-W written right across the middle of your face...

Philip Roth

There is a certain amount which I shan't mention publicly," Elizabeth said. "Things about Lucia which I should never dream of stating openly.""Those are just the ones I should like to hear about most," said Diva. "Just a few little titbits.

E.F. Benson

Maxim 16: Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Howard Tayler

If your brother can't 'old 'is own against a bunch of orphans, 'e'd best leave off playing 'azard altogether!

Sheri Cobb South

Mr. Brundy, you are no doubt as well acquainted with my circumstances as I am with yours, so let us not beat about the bush. I have a fondness for the finer things in life, and I suppose I always will. As a result, I am frightfully expensive to maintain. I have already bankrupted my father, and have no doubt I should do the same to you, should you be so foolhardy as to persist in the desire for such a union. Furthermore, I have a shrewish disposition and a sharp tongue. My father, having despaired of seeing me wed to a gentleman of my own class, has ordered me to either accept your suit or seek employment. If I married you, it would be only for your wealth, and only because I find the prospect of marriage to you preferable –but only slightly!- to the life of a governess or a paid companion. If, knowing this, you still wish to marry me, why, you have only to name the day.”Having delivered herself of this speech, Lady Helen waited expectantly for Mr. Brundy’s stammering retraction. Her suitor pondered her words for a long moment, then made his response.“’ow about Thursday?

Sheri Cobb South

Mr. Brundy," she said with a nod, making the most perfunctory of curtsies to her father's guest.He made no move to take her hand, but merely bowed and responded in kind. "Lady '

Sheri Cobb South

I do think your brother grows more peculiar every day,' I complain to Edward when he comes to my rooms in Whitehall Palace to escort me to dinner.'Which one?' he asks lazily. 'For you know I can do nothing right in the eyes of either. You would think they would be glad to have a York on the throne and peace in Christendom, and one of the finest Christmas feasts we have ever arranged; but no: Richard is leaving court to go back north as soon as the feast is over, to demonstrate his outrage that we are not slogging away in a battle with the French, and George is simply bad tempered.

Philippa Gregory

When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn

Howard Tayler

Pamper a tomato, overfeed it, overwater it and you will get a Paris Hilton of a tomato.

Nigel Slater

So you're a fellow mercenary, then.""Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?""Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you. . . But only if it's convenient.

Howard Tayler

Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.Actually I'm finished.In one afternoon? Wow... Does it work?After a fashion....I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn

Howard Tayler

Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff.""Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?""No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.

Howard Tayler

Ah! The English language was a wonderful thing! You could always find the right word. He only wished he could speak the language.

Terry Jones

Technically, you don't pay me.And technically, most of what I do is "think."I...rrr. ummm.And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.-Ennesby & Captain Tagon

Howard Tayler

Never be a pioneer. It's the early Christian that gets the fattest lion.

Saki

Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.

Howard Tayler

Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!"..."I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I’d just rather not reap a crop every year.

Sharon Kay Penman

How many words are you having trouble with, sir?""Just the ones that I've highlighted.""I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph.""That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.

Howard Tayler

Take it!" he snarled, hurling the diamond necklace across the table at his opponent. "And may you rot in hell with it!""I should not dream of intruding upon you there," replied Mr Brundy, bowing deeply from the waist.

Sheri Cobb South

Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding again..." He paused, flashing me a dimpled Charles Ingalls grin, which then suddenly disappeared. "I'll break the other one.

Alison Arngrim

It was nothing. We played tic-tac-toe for a while. You know we do that sometimes.""Oh, I know," Teagan says."Okay, how did you make that sound like we were rolling around ripping off each other's clothes?

Elizabeth Scott

Humanity, let us say, is like people packed in an automobile which is traveling downhill without lights at terrific speed and driven by a four-year-old child. The signposts along the way are all marked 'Progress.

Lord Dunsany

Have you lost your teeny tiny mind, you too-tall, too-skinny, too-crazy jerk?”“Oh, look who’s talking, Miss Let’s Blunder Around the Time Stream and Hang the Consequences! Thanks to you, we’ve got a dead Marc and alive Marc in the same timeline . . . in the same house! Thanks to you, I got chomped on by a dim, blonde, undead, selfish, whorish, blood-suckingleech when I was minding my own business in the past.”“Don’t you call me dim!”“Um. Everyone. Perhaps we should—” Tina began.“Wait, when did this happen?” Marc asked. He had the look of a man desperately trying to buy a vowel. “Past, an hour ago? Past, last year? Helpme out.”“Oh, biiiiig surprise!” Laura threw her (perfectly manicured) hands in the air. “Let me guess, you were soooo busy banging your dead husbandthat you haven’t had time to tell anybody anything.”“I was getting to it,” I whined.“Then after not telling anyone anything and not being proactive—or even active!—you grow up to destroy the world and bring about eternalnuclear winter or whatever the heck that was and how do you deal with your foreknowledge of terrible events to come? Have sex!”“An affirmation of life?” Sinclair suggested. Never, I repeat, never had I loved him more. I was torn between slugging my sister and blowing myhusband. Hmm. Laura might have a point about my priorities . . . but jeez. Look at him. Yum.“—even do it and what do you have to say for yourself? Huh?”“You’re just uptight, repressed, smug, antisex, and jealous, you Antichristing morally superior, fundamentally evil bitch.”Laura and Marc gasped. My husband groaned.

MaryJanice Davidson

A pair of young mothers now became the centre of interest. They had risen from their lying-in much sooner than the doctors would otherwise have allowed. (French doctors are always very good about recognizing the importance of social events, and certainly in this case had the patients been forbidden the ball the might easily have fretted themselves to death.) One came as the Duchesse de Berri with l’Enfant du Miracle, and the other as Madame de Montespan and the Duc du Maine. The two husbands, the ghost of the Duc de Berri, a dagger sticking out of his evening dress, and Louis XIV, were rather embarrassed really by the horrible screams of their so very young heirs, and hurried to the bar together. The noise was indeed terrific, and Albertine said crossly that had she been consulted she would, in this case, have permitted and even encouraged the substitution of dolls. The infants were then dumped down to cry themselves to sleep among the coats on her bed, whence they were presently collected by their mothers’ monthly nannies. Nobody thereafter could feel quite sure that the noble families of Bregendir and Belestat were not hopelessly and for ever interchanged. As their initials and coronets were, unfortunately, the same, and their baby linen came from the same shop, it was impossible to identify the children for certain. The mothers were sent for, but the pleasures of society rediscovered having greatly befogged their maternal instincts, they were obliged to admit they had no idea which was which. With a tremendous amount of guilty giggling they spun a coin for the prettier of the two babies and left it at that.

Nancy Mitford

You will do well to take advantage of Madame's short residence to get up your French a little... You will be glad of this, my dear, when you have reached France, where you will find they speak nothing else.

J. Sheridan Le Fanu

She scarcely spoke at all and might have been one of those huge dolls which, when inclined backwards, say "Ma-ma" or "Pa-pa": though impossible to imagine in any position so undignified as that required for the mechanism to produce these syllables.

Anthony Powell

WHAT? YOU AGAIN?' he shouted in capital letters.

Noel Langley

Now, whatever you do, don't say anything, because no one must know that Liberace is gay.""Excuse me?" I said. "I'm eight. I know he's gay.

Alison Arngrim

In my time first cousins did not meet like strangers. But we are learning modesty from the Americans, and old English ways are too gross for us.

J. Sheridan Le Fanu

This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.

John Aubrey

The definition of Brevity: That which people believe would be a virtue - in me!

Greg Curtis

When a Lady chooses to Change Her Mind,' said the Mouse with a touch of hauteur, 'a Gentleman would consider it no more than her Privilege, and not Badger Her About It.

Noel Langley

Captain Midlands: "I met the real you once."John (Lennon) the Skrull: "You're meeting the real me now."Captain Midlands: "I told him to get his bleedin' hair cut.

Paul Cornell

John the Skrull: (as Merlyn) "Here, listen. It's me, Merlyn, the magic man. There's no need for all this conflict, like. I command you to--"Tink: "Suck my tits, you fairy fuckers!"John the Skrull: "I was going to say 'give peace a chance'...

Paul Cornell

As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.-Captain Tagon

Howard Tayler

Maxim 36: When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support.-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

Howard Tayler

...and - holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds.

David Wong

Go fuck yourself Judge.""Motion denied." answers the judge dryly.

Jodi Picoult

He leaned in for a sniff. 'Smells like a horse's arse! I've got Ian!' -'No sniffing allowed! We never discussed sniffing! I cry foul!' Ian was outraged. 'I'm not giving you a shilling!' -'Give him a shilling! It's not his fault you smell like a horse's arse!

Julie Anne Long

Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She'd seen it before, atbirthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweetdeprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took anysweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not takingall the rest. And there were so many sweets he'd never be able to eatthem all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burstinto tears.

Terry Pratchett

You’re so damn big,” she whispered.“Why, thank you cariño,” he said.

Cherise Sinclair

It appears that countless women born between the years of 1965 and 1978 are in love with John Cusack. I cannot fathom how he isn't the number-one box office star in America, because every straight girl I know would seel her soul to share a milkshake with that motherfucker.

Chuck Klosterman

What kind of slut do you think I am?”Theo bumped his hips against hers. “This might not be the best moment to ask me that.

Annabel Joseph

But a cock does not enter a hen… it enters a…meow-meow!

Faraaz Kazi

The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.

Spike Milligan

Just because you disagreed with the Poll Tax and detested Margaret Thatcher—""Detest is a little inappropriate," Parlabane said. "Maybe closer to say I spent the entire Eighties wishing I was pissing on her rotting corpse.

Christopher Brookmyre

Move your hands, Morgan,” he commanded.“It hurts!” she protested.“It’s supposed to.

Cara Bristol

Spring had come finally and after much hesitation, to Lincoln's Inn Fields and there were daffodils out upon the green grass and gilly-flowers blooming in the window-boxes of the ground floor sets. This being Lincoln's Inn, where an air of general severity prevails, they did so with an unconscionable meekness, as if they feared that some legal eminence- Mr Crabbe perhaps- would descend in wrath from his chambers and present them with a writ for unlicensed blossoming or occupying too great a proportion of space.

D.J. Taylor

But cocks aren’t supposed to lay eggs...” Sahil said, trying to untangle himself. “...they’re supposed to fertilise them.

Faraaz Kazi

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?

Benny Bellamacina

Oh, sheep. I've lost all my sobbing colours.

Dave McKean

R.I.P.Tom Conlon O'Rourke.Not Dead, just Sleeping.

Spike Milligan

...trying to predict whether global warming will moderate the next ice age is not only impossible but irrelevant. It doesn't help us get through the next few centuries. And one can only imagine our future, shivering, ice age descendants cursing us for leaving them no fossil fuel to create a global warming "greenhouse" effect when one is really needed.

John Harte

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Humour Quotes - Page 31

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