Humour Quotes - Page 28

Some of my best friends are women,' I snapped, 'though I certainly wouldn't want my daughter to marry one of them.
Kyril Bonfiglioli
Aye, it could', Ian added. 'It's many a time when I've walked alone on the misty moors of Scotland, the fog creeping in, the waves pounding against the shore, and then the lone, eerie call of a dead chicken. Caaa-cluck. Caaa-cluck
Terri Reid
The night before, a whole day could have shape and design. But when it was upon you, it could vanish tragically to air.
Lorrie Moore
Ah don't hate the English. They're just wankers. We are colonised by wankers. We can't even pick a decent, vibrant, healthy culture to be colonised by. No. We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us?
Irvine Welsh
Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the job that it was too cold to do last winter.
Mark Twain
There’s always an opportunity to fish for something – even if it’s just for laughs or ideas.
Fennel Hudson
You see football isn’t just about 90 minutes, it‘s about passion and, yes, if you like, about life. We men will do things under the umbrella of football fandom that we would never dream of doing in any other sphere of life, and within the pages that follow I will try and explain why.
Dougie Brimson
I always enjoy the day after a hangover. Each time it happens, it’s my own little victory over the demon drink.
Dougie Brimson
One of the things about football fans in general is that they all think that they’re the same. But they are not. This is a myth put about by people who wish that they were the same as the geezers. There are, in fact, a number of distinctive types of supporter, and although they all have a role to play, they are all very different indeed.
Dougie Brimson
Two hours later, a noise resembling a hippo rolling along a corrugated iron roof shook Jane from her doze and Rob bursts through the living room door.
Dougie Brimson
Time travel is complicated, or so we think, since we have not yet managed to actually figure out how to do it.
Serena Yates
Snow stepped forward and slapped Josette, who slapped her back. Emmaline dropped the spoon and slapped them both - she had never slapped her child, or any child, before that moment. It happened so quickly - like a scene choreographed by the Three Stooges, which was what saved it. Emmaline started crying, then Snow. The three of them clung together.I want to cut off my hand, wept Emmaline. I never slapped you girls before.We should each cut our hands off, wailed Snow.Then making frybread two of us will have to stand together, you know, like each use our remaining hand, pat, pat. Josette and Snow demonstrated.Pat, pat, how pitiful, cry-laughed Emmaline.
Louise Erdrich
I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist.
Stephen Chbosky
the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirror on every page
Peter Ackroyd
the great advantage of really contemporary fiction is that one finds oneself mirrored on every page
Peter Ackroyd
One can forgive Shakespeare anything, except one's own bad lines.
Peter Ackroyd
Some drink to forget, I drink to remember. I drink in order to understand what I mean and to discover what I know. Under its benign influence all the stories and dramas which properly belong to the sphere of art are announced by me in conversation.
Peter Ackroyd
absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour.
Peter Ackroyd
He responded with one of those looks of pity and amusement I was by now so used to getting, the kind that implied not only was my fly undone, but that there was nothing to see even if it was.
Viet Thanh Nguyen
Hungry party-goers?! Diabolical!
Simon Dean
Arab' is the new four-letter word, didn't you know?
Anissa Rafeh
It’s hard to tell sometimes if Etheny’s stories are true, as you will see, so I will lay down the story as she told it to me to allow you to decide for yourself.
E L Parfitt
I have the most fantastic, stupendous, magnificent idea. Why it’s better than television," he said, standing there in red, tartan pyjamas, his beard in a sleepy tangle. Dunn's Magnificent Idea
E L Parfitt
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,' said Maxie.'I know how that feels,' said Blue.'I think some Pharaoh had that carved on his tomb,' Maxie added.'Yeah? Times don't change much, do they?
Charlie Higson
One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.
Winston Groom
It commenced raining one day and did not stop for two months. We went through ever different kind of rain they is, cep'n maybe sleet or hail. It was little tiny stinging rain sometimes, an big ole fat rain at others. It came sidewise an straight down an sometimes even seem to stand up from the ground. Nevertheless, we was expected to do our shit, which was mainly walking upland down the hills an stuff looking for gooks.
Winston Groom
I think you're a shit,’ said Keith sharply. ‘I think much of what you’ve done this season is shit and I think what you've put everyone involved with this club through is shit. How’s that?
Dougie Brimson
I want to reply with a long message, but if it's too long, that might be kind of revolting. But if it's too short, then I might come off as cold instead. Feeling apprehensive of what to do, I decided to reply back with a similar word count instead. This was what they called "mirroring" in psychology. By emulating the actions of the other party, your affection levels would increase!
Hachiman Hikigaya
O beautiful, to make escapeAnd leave this world behind.Had I to stay another dayI'd lose my fucking mind!
Gregory Maguire
You honkies want women to be like cookies, all sweet and dainty and easy to eat. But I'm fry bread, you bitch, and I'm proud of it.
Eden Robinson
Without inquiring too deeply into the causes which make it possible to find subjects of gaiety always close at hand, the proof of that possibility can be found in the fact that persons of sensitive intelligence are capable of finding comic potentialities in everything and everybody, thereby demonstrating that if some people hold the belief that there is very little that is laughable in the world, the reason is that they lack the ability to find it.
Marcel Proust
The first two tracks were pop songs from the 1970s, sung in Danish in a style that was best described as Abba without joy.
Claire North
To imagine that I was pleased would have been an understatement, if I was a dog, my tail would be wagging my arse off.
Gary Edward Gedall
I am but a pawn on the chessboard of life!
Steve Browne
Please let's change subject, as despite the alliteration, I don't think Politics and Puddings go together.
J.E. Allen
She's so the same and yet so the incomparable!
Pritam Banikk
I love you. I trust you and... I want to be your human canvas!
Angela Gascoigne
Nice! There's no fun in nice. I'll be myself and you'll all love me for it.
J.E. Allen
The men worked hard and faithfully. As a rule, in spite of the number of rough characters among them, they behaved very well. One night a few of them went on a spree, and proceeded "to paint San Antonio red." One was captured by the city authorities, and we had to leave him behind us in jail. The others we dealt with ourselves, in a way that prevented a repetition of the occurrence.
Theodore Roosevelt
I had this teacher who kept telling me that if I was ever in a fair fight, someone had made a mistake,” she said
Jim Butcher
God, I felt as if I had just been flattened by ‘Elmer’ the elephant.
Adele Rose
Sir Hamish Graham has many of the qualities & most of the failings that result from being born to a middle-class Scottish family. He was well educated, hard working & honest, while at the same time being narrow-minded, uncompromising & proud.
Jeffrey Archer
Well we certainly don't want to see that kind of thing,’ admonished Jeff Stelling. ‘Did it calm down?’‘No,’ shouted Kamara. ‘It got worse. The police were just getting involved when the chairman was hit by a pie thrown from the crowd.’‘Was he injured?’ asked Stelling, struggling to suppress a giggle.‘I don’t think so,’ laughed Kamara. ‘He sat down and started eating it!
Dougie Brimson
Oh really?’ said Mayes raising a mocking eyebrow which put Rob in mind of a poor man’s Roger Moore. ‘And what on earth makes you think that you of all people would be allowed anywhere near our board meeting? Rob’s smile widened as he realised that he was about to have one of those golden bombshell moments of the type he’d been on the receiving end of all too frequently over the last few days. ‘Because Mr. Mayes, I’m your new chairman.
Dougie Brimson
Jane turned and looked at Rob who was still staring into space with a crazed look on his face. ‘Are you listening to this?’ she said as she thumped him on the arm. Rob turned to her and broke into a broad grin. ‘Listening to what?’ he laughed. ‘I’m loaded. I don’t have to listen to anything!’‘Yes you do,’ said England calmly. ‘You have to listen very carefully.
Dougie Brimson
A game?’ Rob spluttered. ‘A bloody game?’ He turned to face his father. ‘This is your bloody fault! I’m living your bloody karma!
Dougie Brimson
I'm not a goose, you're the gooses for crying over nothing
Leo Tolstoy
This is where being a modern woman can be very confusing. Half of me was annoyed that Quinn felt I needed protecting and the other half of me loved that he wanted to do it. Go figure.” Rosa Wild, "Wild Pursuit
Annabeth Nash
Smoky knickers. Always said you were hot stuff,” he said. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at the same time. It made me so dizzy that I almost fell over. Men.
Annabeth Nash
Wolfe still paid no attention to me. As a matter of fact, I didn't expect him to, since he was busy taking exercise. He had recently got the impression he weighed too much- which was about the same as if the Atlantic Ocean had decided it was too wet...
Rex Stout
Tell me,' he asked, with some embarassment, as we strolled along: 'you're a bloody German, aren't you?''Oh, no. I'm Hungarian.''Hungarian?''Hungarian.''What's that? Is that a country? Or you are just having me on?'Not at all. On my word of honour, it is a country.''And where do you Hungarians live?''In Hungary. Between Austria, Romania, Czechoslovakia and Yugoslavia'.'Come off it. Those places were made up by Shakespeare.
Antal Szerb
The aftereffects of confiding something you shouldn't have, almost as bad as a hangover.
Malka Ann Older
I suppose there are some advantages to this place,' he admitted. 'I bet it's fucking raining in Stirling.
Christopher Brookmyre
In a mounting panic the samnite hefted his rifle and delivered a blast straight to Skullhammer's chest, point blank. Once again, torment and debilitation failed to ensue. 'Well, this is awkward,' said Juno.
Christopher Brookmyre
Two days ago, the Preserve received a curious visitor. Our logbook shows the signature of a Ms. Notah Reelnaym, hailing from the foreign-sounding port of Nowareneerheer, arriving at 10:00 am on the nose with a child and leaving an hour and three minutes later without one. Log notes indicate that Ms. Reelnaym spent precisely one hour touring the Preserve. Mr. Gubbens, our Chief Orphan Wrangler, reports spending that hour walking around the Preserve alone, loudly explaining Preserve policies to no one for no obvious reason. Remaining three minutes of Ms. Reelnaym’s visit unaccounted for.
CARRIE RYAN & JOHN PARKE DAVIS
He leans back in his seat. His legs are spread and his head tipped back, with his eyes challenging me. “Okay what’s next, boss?”I shudder theatrically. “I see why you like it. Just the word makes me feel all powerful.
Lily Morton
They passed a couple of guys making a bronze windup toy. At least that’s what it looked like. It was a six-inch-tall centaur—half man, half horse—armed with a miniature bow. One of the campers cranked the centaur’s tail, and it whirred to life. It galloped across the table, yelling, “Die, mosquito! Die, mosquito!” and shooting everything in sight.
Rick Riordan
Hmph. Yes. Him. He had the nerve to turn down our offer of immortality and tell us to pay better attention to our children. Er, no offense.” “Oh, how could I take offense? Please, go on ignoring me.
Rick Riordan
It is said "Barking dogs seldom bite".......Unfortunately many dogs do not know this proverb!
Ankala Subbarao
Here’s another big symbol,” she says, still crouched and looking up at me. “These flowers will be rotten in a couple hours. Birds will crap on them. The smoke here will make them stink, and tomorrow a bulldozer will probably run over them, but for right now they are so beautiful.
Chuck Palaniuk

Related Topics

Ammit
Quotes
Frightened
Quotes
Rodomontade
Quotes
Enchanted
Quotes
Degree
Quotes
Fat
Quotes
Narrative
Quotes
Quotes Of Life
Quotes