Humour Quotes - Page 27

...weak of spine and flaccid of upper lip.

People get the wrong idea. I blame science-fiction writers, personally. It annoys me how they confuse the whole robot issue. I tell you, if I met that Asimov bloke, I’d harm him, or at least through inaction allow him to come to harm.

Toby Frost

But I see you're not standing in a bleedin' shadow, Perks, nor have you done anything to change your bleedin' shape, you're silhouetted against the bleedin' light and your sabre's shining like a diamond in a chimney-sweep's bleedin' ear'ole! Explain!""It's because of the one C, sarge!" said Polly, still staring straight ahead. "And that is?" "Colour, sarge! I'm wearing bleedin' red and white in a bleedin' grey forest, sarge!

Terry Pratchett

Why were kings cross? Maybe their trains were late! Some say warrior Queen Boudica was buried under platform 8.

Terry Deary

It was a sweet smile, but it hid menace, like the kind dentists gave.

Andy Paine

You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking!

Ilze Falb

When Montmorency meets a cat, the whole street knows about it; and there is enough bad language wasted in ten seconds to last an ordinarily respectable man all his life, with care.

Jerome K. Jerome

If we followed our feelings all the time we´d be like cats chasin´ their tails.

Harper Lee

Och, away now, Ruari. You'll be telling us you're not knowing who that woman is next! Man, man, that's an awful affliction.” A grey-bristled, weather-beaten face beamed back at him.“And isn't it you that's making the drives in her car at the dead of night, too?” A female voice joined in from behind the sweets jars: “Oh my, Ruari ... 'tis a terrible thing the guilt of the carnal pleasures!”“I haven't had any carnal pleasures ... I simply got a lift home. You're terrible, right enough,” he defended himself.

Robertson Tait

I got married. A bright past is ahead of me!

Ljupka Cvetanova

I order six shots.I drink the first shot with lemon and salt and talk about Isha for 120 seconds.I drink the second shot with lemon and salt and talk about Isha and our love for 90 seconds.I drink the third shot with lemon and talk about future plans with wedding for 60 seconds.I drink the fourth and blabber for 30 seconds.I drink the fifth, I speak in a language no one can understand for ten seconds or less. I fall down.When I open my eyes, I see Diwa helping me sit in the car and put on the seat belt. I am knocked out.

Saravana Kumar Murugan

Mac had many admirable qualities, but not tact. He was the sort of man who would have tried to cheer Napoleon up by talking about the Winter Sports at Moscow.

P.G. Wodehouse

I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!'"Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!''Thought I might like to be set right?''No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!

Georgette Heyer

I must own, too, that I can't be astonished at his being vexed to death over this business. It is excessively awkward! However, he doesn't lay the blame for that at my door: you mustn't think that!""I should think not indeed!" exclaimed Anthea between amusement and indignation. "How could he possibly do so?""No, very true, my love!" agreed Mrs Darracott. "I thought that myself, but it did put me on the fidgets when Richmond said he wanted to see me, because in general, you know, things I never even heard about turn out to be my fault.

Georgette Heyer

We have a shit storm behind door A and a storm of shit behind door B

Abraham Ford (The Walking Dead TV Series)

People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden.

Michael Redmond

There is a difference between right and wrong, always was and always will be, but each man's wrong and each man's right are different.

Peter Matthiessen

Put your vocabulary on the top shelf of your toolbox, and don't make any conscious effort to improve it... One of the really bad things you can do to your writing is to dress up the vocabulary, looking for long words because you're maybe a little bit ashamed of your shot ones. This is like dressing up a household pet in evening clothes. The pet is embarrassed and the person who committed this act of pre-meditated cuteness should be even more embarrassed. Make yourself a solemn promise right now that you'll never use 'emolument' when you mean 'tip' and you'll never say 'John stopped long enough to perform an act of excretion' when you mean 'John stopped long enough to take a shit'. If you believe 'take a shit' would be considered offensive or inappropriate by your audience, feel free to say 'John stopped long enough to move his bowels'...

Stephen King

He cleared his throat. “You need to pick a safe word.”“What on earth is a safe word?”He smothered a sigh. This was proving to be more work than he thought it’d be. “It’s a word you use when you want things to stop.”“How about I use the word ‘stop’?” She sounded sarcastic.“That’s not how it works. You need a word that you wouldn’t normally use during sex.”“Fine. How about ‘dumbass’?”“I don’t think you’re getting into the spirit of this.”“Really? You think?”“Fine. Dumbass it is.” There was no dealing with her when she was in this mood. “If you use your safe word, everything stops.”“Good.” She took a deep breath. “Dumbass,” she shouted.Andrew wasn’t sure what to do next. This was not going the way it did in the books.

Janet Elizabeth Henderson

Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses and create a sense of social alienation

little britain

A femme fatale and a warrior princess.

Cassandra Clare

Ever since I discovered that my god given male member was going to give me no peace, I decided to give it no rest in return.

Christopher Hitchens

Thirty years of marriage to Erasto had taught her much, namely that men were reckless by nature, full of bluster, most incompetent, the rest fortunate to have a wife to keep them from allowing their innate ineptitude to engulf all around them.

A.H. Septimius

The last thing he wanted was to see the bright, shining, happy faces of the other angels up there.

Joel Crofoot

Or that time she made a snowman in Britt-Marie and Kent’s garden right under their balcony and dressed it up in grown-up clothes so it looked as if a person had fallen from the roof.

Fredrik Backman

I remembered a friend of mine dying from AIDS, and while he was visiting his family on the coast for the last time, he was seated in the grass during a picnic to which dozens of family members were invited. He looked up from his fried chicken and said, "I just want to die with a big dick in my mouth.

David Wojnarowicz

But he survived, that radio announcer. His ship and five others out of the flotilla of ten came through, a bit radioactive, but otherwise unharmed. And I understand that the first thing that happened to him when he reported back to his office after treatmentwas a reprimand for the use of overcolloquial language which had given offense to a number of listeners by its neglect of the Third Commandment.

John Wyndham

Life summed up with a marketing slogan: Limited Edition!

Kevin Focke

I fall off horses," he explained to Loghain with a sickly grin. "It's this thing I do.

David Gaider

I suppose we should contact the local authorities?” said W

Ursula Vernon

Just answer the questions so I can get the fuck out of this backwards shithole before I start wanting to root a goat and marry my own brother.

JD Nixon

Neither (brother) even glaced at the counter. She smiled. Her dumb brothers never cooked. She didn’t think they even knew how! A human being who needs food to live but cannot prepare that food to eat? Pathetic. In this case, it was an advantage. They weren’t interested in any food until it had been cooked for them.

Nnedi Okorafor

I only come out for food.

Blair Holden

Queen Bee hates me. I know, as I reach the door, that nothing good waits for me on the other side. When you're called to see the Commanding Officer, you're either getting a medal or a kick in the arse.And I'm not getting any medals.

John Owen Theobald

The store was empty, without a single customer or employee. It appeared in the Internet age, pianos, like physical books, were fast becoming culturally extinct. They’d probably stay that way unless Apple invented the iPiano, which fit inside your pocket and could be mastered via text message. With the iPiano, anyone can be an iMozart. Then, you could compose your own iRequiem for your own iFuneral attended by millions of your iFriends who iLoved you.

Marisha Pessl

Let me say this: being an idiot is no box of chocolates. People laugh, lose patience, treat you shabby. Now they say folks supposed to be kind to the afflicted, but let me tell you this - it ain't always that way. Even so, I got no complaints, cause I reckon I done live a pretty interesting life, so to speak.

Winston Groom

Maybe that’s why God made childbirth so painful, so that when your life is wrecked by children you know it could be worse.

J.T. Lawrence

Company, you see - company is - is - it's a very different thing from solitude - an't it?

Charles Dickens

There’s a saying in Hardorn,” she continued. “‘You shouldn’t attempt to teach a goat to sing. It will waste your time, hurt your ears, and annoy the goat.’ I can say without fear of contradiction that the goat is getting annoyed.

Mercedes Lackey

Mr Gray didn't care much for Jonesy's body (or so he told himself; in truth it was hard not to feel at least some affection for something capable of providing such unexpected pleasures as 'bacon' and 'murder'), but it did have to take him another couple of hundred miles.

Stephen King

Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel

Sebastien de Castell

@mink: Well, you’re in luck, if you pick another movie. My hair is clean, I usually eat dinner around eight, and I’m currently single. Not that it matters.

Jenn Bennett

This is two romantic things in a row, so I figure I should praise him accordingly, because the boy responds well to positive reinforcement.

Jenny Han

I stared in awe at the Lincoln Memorial. If Honest Abe had come to life and somehow managed to lift his bony twenty-three-foot, four-inch frame from his throne, what would he say? What would he do? Would he break-dance? Would he pitch pennies against the curbside? Would he read the paper and see that the Union he saved was now a dysfunctional plutocracy, that the people he freed were now slaves to rhythm, rap, and predatory lending, and that today his skill set would be better suited to the basketball court than the White House?

Paul Beatty

Yes, you are still grieving for the fact that Olly is not loving you as you love him. But death is no solution. Certainly not this horrible, messy death. Could you at least not consider possible option that is not leaving you looking diabolical at funeral?"Oh, for the love of God.

Lucy Holliday

Oh, well, I know that Libby." He rolls his eyes. "I've never met anyone more committed to, well, life that you are.""Really?" I swallow rather hard. "Even though I keep on screwing my life up?""Sweetheart, precisely because you keep screwing your life up! I mean look at you. You had the crappiest career eve in the world before you turned everything around and became this shit-hot jewellery designer. You set your head on fire with a cigarette and ended up being utterly adored by the guy who had to put you out... And I do adore you, by the way," he adds, in a nonchalant sort of way, "in case you ever had wondered. Oh, and then there's your love of life. Loads of girls would have just sunk...

Lucy Holliday

There are only three rules in life. Traffic is real, Fire Burns and You Cannot Fly

Unknown

I couldn't possibly repeat the words he used .They were so unsettling that I sent Nancy indoors to find my spectacles.

John Bude

How do I look?" he asked.Barret grinned. "Old."Moog glanced over appraisingly. "Tired."Gabriel snorted a laugh. "Fuck you guys.

Nicholas Eames

They’d tried to diagnose him but there was no apparent medical explanation for his behaviour. He was just what his mum called ‘away with the fairies’ and Max called ‘a bit of a lost cunt.

Eve Dangerfield

He wasn’t a pretty boy, his nose was crooked and his grin lopsided, but he had that square-jawed, salt-of-the-earth handsome look that made a girl think of loose-hipped cowboys and demanding Scottish Lairds. And speaking of Scottish Lairds, old mate was a redhead. Usually gingers weren’t her scene but this guy’s hair was the rich coppery-auburn of a fox's pelt. It gleamed like rose gold under the floodlights, his short beard the exact colour as the stuff on his head. Big Red was doing it for her. Big time. And apparently, the feeling was mutual.

Eve Dangerfield

Mr. Cupples came out of his reverie. "I think," he said, "I will have milk and soda-water." "Speak lower!" urged Trent. "The head-waiter has a weak heart, and he might hear you.

E.C. Bentley

There's only one thing to do in crisis like this - SLEEP ON IT!Garfield, the cat.

Jim Davis

where actual evidence had been a bit sparse he had, in the best traditions of the keen ethnic historian, inferred from revealed self-evident wisdom* *Made it upand extrapolated from associated sources** **had read a lot of stuff that other people had made up, too.

Terry Pratchett

Youir're doing this wrong.

Will Advise

Everybody means by an open mind, a mind which contains their prejudices but not somebody else's.

John Oulton Wisdom

No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari. Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse.

Jessica Khoury

He laughs. "No! Aguaje is for girls. If a man eats to much of it, he starts to look like a woman.""That is the most unscientific thing I've ever heard.""Then you haven't met my cousin Jacari." Eio swings the string of fruit back and forth. " Too much aguaje. Now the mothers use him as wet nurse."My mouth freezes in mid-bite, and I stare at him. "You're teasing me."A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "Maybe.

Jessica Khoury

It's never a good day when an ancient demon shows up on your toilet bowl.

Angie Fox

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father

Robert Rankin

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Humour Quotes - Page 27

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