Humour Quotes - Page 25

It's easier to get philosophers to agree than clocks.

Never worry if you’re excluded from the circle, sometimes it’s full of squares.

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

You haven't been fired," Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting f

Lindsey Kelk

When I reached 70, the doc said I should try walking 5 miles a day. At 72, I'm still trying to find my way home ☺️

Jacqueline Creek

You can’t fight if you’re drunk,” she n

Thaddeus White

I will go further and say all cats are wicked, though often useful. Who has not seen Satan in their sly faces? Some preachers will say, well, that is superstitious "claptrap." My answer is this: Preacher, go to your Bible and read Luke 8: 26-33

Charles Portis

[On setting all clocks at varying times in advance...]A selfless gesture on my part which ensures I am never late, but really only means that I spend time waiting not only for people who are late but also for people who are on time.

Jon Richardson

Perhaps we are yet to feel the full impact of the Y2K bug but so far it's been quiet.

Michael McGirr

And new physical problems are arising almost daily. I'm getting problems from a painful trapped nerve in my shoulder, where my rucksack strap has been pinching it, and I can't straighten my arm above shoulder level - soon I will be limping like Richard III. By now my back is covered with eczema, the result of a perpetually sodden shirt and rucksack pressed against it day after day in this heat. In one place my pack has rubbed a painful hole in my skin through the eczema; carrying my rucksack was unpleasant before, but now it is purgatory. This eczema must be partly due to eating bad food for so long - I never had this problem at home. I'm expecting my teeth and hair to start falling out before long, and I've got more or less a permanent acid indigestion from eating so much junk. Week after week I've lived on lukewarm Coca-Cola, stale buns and doughnuts, slurps, green bananas, powdered milk and far too many cigarettes. With all the rubbishy food and sugar soft drinks I've been consuming, I'll see the east coast through a hypoglycaemic haze.

Fran Sandham

Oh, to be the author of prison letters. It's a young girl's dream come true.

Jenny B. Jones

...methinks the older that one grows, Inclines us more to laugh the scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

George Gordon Byron

And yet methinks the older that one growsInclines us more to laugh than scold, though laughterLeaves us so doubly serious shortly after.

George Gordon Byron

You know, I once read a book about people who practiced polygamy. One man with several wives. Crazy. I was just in a room with eight very unhappy woman and I have no idea why anyone would choose that.

Kiera Cass

You can’t possibly be thinking of sending him home! He can barely walk.” Meg’s smile began to slip. Ambulance crews were queuing almost out the door, and all this lad needed was a stat dose of Man-the-Fuck-Up.

Cari Hunter

The entire time Albie followed Beverly around the house doing what the children referred to as “the stripper soundtra

Ann Patchett

Your memory has always been given to opportunistic revision.

Dave Eggers

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast

Oscar Wilde

This is flight 121 to Los Angeles. If your travel plans today do not include Los Angeles, now would be the perfect time to disembark.

Douglas Adams

At least I'm honest about being a liar

Taherah mafi

When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the others guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win!Conversations aren't contests!Ok, a point for you, but I'm still ahead.

Bill Watterson

Talking of snakes, Mrs. Montgomery told me that once she nearly stood upon a krait - one of the most venomous snakes in India. She has been very ill at the time, suffering from acute facial neuralgia, 'so that I didn't care if I trod on fifty kraits. I was quite stupid with pain, and was going back in the evening to my bungalow, preceded by a servant who was carrying a lamp. Suddenly he stopped and said "Krait, Mem-sahib!" - but I was far too ill to notice what he was saying, and went straight on, and the krait was lying right in the middle of the path! The servant did a thing absolutely without precedent in India - he touched me! - he put hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. My shoe came off and I stopped. Of course if he hadn't done that I should have undoubtedly have been killed; but I didn't like it all the same same, and got rid of him soon after.

J.R. Ackerley

In the bazaar today I noticed a shopkeeper sitting cross-legged on the platform of his shop making up his ledger. A common sight - but there was something wrong, I could not at first see what. Then I understood: what was his heavy ledge resting on? It was lying open before him, on his stomach, but unsupported by his free hand, not resting against his knees. What on earth was propping it up?The problem teased my mind so much that I had to retrace my steps for another look. There he was, comfortably scribbling away in the large ledger, which was standing up, apparently unsupported, in his lap. Then, as I stared, he closed it, and got to his feet - and the mystery was explained. He had elephantiasis of the scrotum, and had been utilising this huge football of tissue as a book-rest.

J.R. Ackerley

. . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . .

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Don't tell the guys at Trinity Broadcast Network, but financial prosperity is not the primary indicator of God's blessing. Think back to the garden. What was the greatest blessing that God gave to Adam and Eve? The greatest blessing was living in God's very presence, knowing him, and worshipping him.

Chris Bruno

Do you like singing?" Miriam asked her."If it is good," she said.Paul, of course, coloured."You mean if it is high-class and trained?" he said."I think a voice needs training before the singing is anything," she said."You might as well insist on having people's voices trained before you allowed them to talk," he replied. "Really, people sing for their own pleasure, as a rule.""And it may be for other people's discomfort.

D.H. Lawrence

Gregor was a real drinker..he didn't drink because he was sad..(or) cheerful. He drank because he was a thorough man, who like to get to the bottom of things, of bottles as well as everything else.

Günter Grass

Why should I ignore them? In my own house? Spiteful snobs! I’ve appalling taste, do I? I’m skeletal, am I? Anyone would look skeletal next to them. They are both starting to look like porkers! As soon as I go down, I’m going to mention it. I’m going to particularly point out Isolde’s thunder thighs. I suppose it’s appalling good taste to display them in such tight jeans. I’m going to ask how she even got into those pants without splitting the seams.

Sonal Panse

I don’t remember the whole thing, because it was very long, but Atticus recited it for me once, and there was a line that went like this: “Cry ham hock and let slip the hogs of war!” I know you might not agree, but for me that was the best thing Shakespeare ever wrote."You mean, “Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war” from Julius Caesar?"No, I don’t think that’s it. There was ham in there; I’m sure he was talking about ham. They were going to battle hunger."I think you might have been hungry when you heard it, Oberon.

Kevin Hearne

In my desperation to try to lull myself into a gentle sloom, I have created a list of things that will often assist my descent into delicious treacle-sleep. The list includes a series of things I can do if I go to bed and wake up early, and includes things like playing games and reading books, but one item that continually seems to work is telling myself:The faster I go to sleep, the faster I can have cookies for breakfast.This idea might seem rudimentary, but it staves off the sulks long enough that I can find a few hours of sleep, even on the hottest of days. If only Biscuit Power worked for other insomniacs, cookies might save humanity from itself.

Michelle Franklin

There is nothing to fear but fear itself," the captain announces from the helm, "and the occasional man-eating monster.

Neal Shusterman

His Scotch bear-leader, Mr Boswell, was a butt of the first quality.

William Makepeace Thackeray

...Andrew Feldman put £2,000 behind the bar, and [David] Cameron told a joke about a farmer inviting a new neighbour to come to his house for a party where there might be dancing, drinking and ‘rough sex’. When the neighbour asks what to wear, the farmer says, ‘It doesn’t matter, it’s only going to be you and me.

Tim Shipman

Long pants,’ she said rather too fiercely to Andy when he came out of his room wearing shorts. ‘Long pants.’ She herded him back towards his door. ‘These people are from head office. These people are from Melbourne.’ And she emphasised Melbourne as if that should have been all he needed to know.‘Melbourne people vomit if they see knees,’ I told him, and he said, ‘Why is that kind of information never part of the briefing?

Nick Earls

Colonel Talbot? he is a very disagreeable person, to be sure. He looks as if he thought no Scottish woman worth the trouble of handing her a cup of tea.

Walter Scott

One understands then why woman has no sexual parts, properly speaking. It is because she is herself a sexual part - a sexual part of man, to cumbersome for him to carry around permanently and therefore deposited outside himself for most of the time and taken up when needed. Moreover the quality that distinguishes man from animals is this very power of equipping himself at any moment with an instrument, tool or arm that he needs, but that he can get rid of straight away, whereas the lobster has to drag his two pincers about with him everywhere. And just as mans hand is a sort of grappling hook that enables him to grasp a hammer, sword or fountain pen according to his needs, so his sex is the sort of grappling hook of the sexual parts rather than the sexual part itslef.

Michel Tournier

I should just build a bleeding house here," I mutter as I pick myself up off the snow-covered ground. "Maybe get a few chickens. Plant a garden.

Sabaa Tahir

Like all shrinks she was a deeply troubled person.From "Fat Jimmy And The Blind Ballerina" due out early 2017.

Eddie Owens

In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now.

David Foster Wallace

I am naked, wrapped up in a dragon that should be a prince, I don't know how much of my crew is dead, and those mermaids could return at any time. Would somebody please say something that makes sense?

Megan Derr

There was a time when I fancied myself as a barrister but it takes years to qualify and even then you can end up earning less than $10,000 a day. So when I saw an advertisement for a course to become a barista I decided to settle for that.

Michael McGirr

Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.

Terry Pratchett

Maybe people do like wine. It's not as nice as just eating the grapes, but it's okay.

Ben Brooks

The word mortgage originates in French. it literally means 'death grip'.

Michael McGirr

There's no point asking dogs about their dreams because sleeping dogs lie.

Michael McGirr

Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason.

Miguel Queah

A word can change a mind. A sentence can change a life. A book can change the world.

Tom Kane

They were like animals, men. They found too much eye contact threatening.

Jojo Moyes

Steerpike of the Many Problems,” said the Doctor. “What did you say they were? My memory is so very untrustworthy. It’s as fickle as a fox. Ask me to name the third lateral bloodvessel from the extremity of my index finger that runs east to west when I lie on my face at sundown, or the percentage of chalk to be found in the knuckles of an average spinster in her fifty-seventh year, ha, ha, ha! – or even ask me, my dear boy, to give details of the pulse rate of frogs two minutes before they die of scabies – these things are no tax upon my memory, ha, ha, ha! But ask me to remember exactly what you said you problems were, a minute ago, and you will find that my memory has forsaken me utterly. Now why is that, my dear Master Steerpike, why is that?”“Because I never mentioned them,” said Steerpike.“That accounts for it,” said Prunesquallor. “That, no doubt, accounts for it.

Mervyn Peake

Almost anyone who loves tennis and follows the men’s tour on television has, over the last few years, had what might be termed Federer Moments. These are times, watching the young Swiss at play, when the jaw drops and eyes protrude and sounds are made that bring spouses in from other rooms to see if you’re OK.

David Foster Wallace

Everyone is a raconteur without realizing it. We speak to our friends, we speak to our doctors and therapists about the nothing-meaning nonsense that goes on in our lives, but the difference in telling a story and complaining about the ills of one’s life is in the delivery. We can talk about how someone slighted you at work, or we can talk about how that person looked when they promptly fell down the stairs a moment after disdaining you. There, you see, is the difference: people will often notice the main but not the nuance; they will notice the face of the person yelling at them and the pitch of their shouts, but will not notice the comfort that the ululations of agony and twisted limbs lying on the bottom stile can promise.

Michelle Franklin

She started naming the fish. 'Loppy, Troppy, Hoppy, Soppy, Boppy, Floppy, Moppy and Roppy.

Deepika Kumaaraguru

Books are an absolute necessity. I always have at least two with me wherever I go, to say nothing of my digital collection, and whenever I can get my hands on a delicious new reading piece, I will finish it at a slackened pace, to savour it with all the esteem it deserves, gratulating in its pleasance, deliciating in every word with ardent affection. I have an extensive library that I could never do without, and there are at least four books decorating every surface in my house. A table is not properly set without a book to furnish it. Half of my great collection is non-fiction, mostly science and history books, ranging from the archaeological to the agricultural, and my fiction section is dedicated to the classics, mostly books published before the world forgot about exquisite prose. I have all the greats in hardcover, but I do not read those: hardcover is for smelling and touching only. For all my favourite authors, I have reading copies, which I might take with me anywhere, to read in cafes or to be used as a swatting tool for unwanted visitors, but books are always fashionable even as ornaments; everyone likes a reader, for a good collection of books betrays a intellectualism that is becoming at anytime. Never succumb to the friable wills of those who reject the majesty of books: there is nothing so repelling as willful illiteracy.

Michelle Franklin

Is he always like that?' Sandra asked.'Well, he lives his life courting different girls week and after week and being incredibly successful, so you're pretty much giving him a run for his money,' he said with a wink at Janis.'Not my cup of tea,' Janis answered.'And I can't admire you even more,' Jared grinned.

Deepika Kumaaraguru

The kangaroo has a double penis - one for week days and one for holidays.

Henry Miller

Some people never go crazy. Me, sometimes I'll lie down behind the couch for 3 or 4 days. They'll find me there. It's Cherub, they'll say, and they pour wine down my throat rub my chest sprinkle me with oils. Then, I'll rise with a roar, rant, rage - curse them and the universe as I send them scattering over the lawn. I'll feel much better, sit down to toast and eggs, hum a little tune, Suddenly become as lovable as a pink overfed whale. Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.

Charles Bukowski

There are others who have strange eyes?' I asked, perking up.Kester suddenly wished he hadn't spoken. 'Well, not as distinctive as you. No one actually has purple ones. Shades of green and blue are sometimes too bright than normal, but I don't recall anyone having eyes like y

Deepika Kumaaraguru

This is Kester Baleen and Ajex Cristo,' Jared introduced. 'One born without common sense and another with too much intelligence.''Yeah, and what about you Dernell?' Kester retorted back. 'Born with a dry sense of humour.

Deepika Kumaaraguru

Ryan shrugged. 'Maybe. Come on, break a smile and introduce yourself. I don't bite.''Stay out of my way,' she said, and before she could turn around, Ryan grabbed her arm.She flashed him a murderous look.'Are you tough, Stay Out Of My Way?' he said airily.

Deepika Kumaaraguru

Where are you from?''Studland.'Suddenly, all the girls started giggling. Why did I feel like I was in the middle of a crime scene?'Wait a second,' Isabelle said, eyes shining. 'Studland?''Yeah?' I asked, wondering what was so funny.'As in "studs"?' she chuckled.

Deepika Kumaaraguru

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Humour Quotes - Page 25

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