I am strangely excited to see how snarky and sarcastic all us bookworms are going to become when we’re old. We’ll all be Mother Ogma’s with tattoos and piercings and purple WoW leggings carrying wands and staffs, and best of all everyone’s hair will finally be able to hold colour because we’ll all have white hair! We’ll all be blogging on WordPress and still waiting for Sherlock and still celebrating Christmas with Doctor Who specials while our grandchildren play quidditch…

Katelynn Hillier

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get,” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

David Eddings

These days, you could stage a three-point orgy in the garden and nobody would bat an eye...

Angela Carter

Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain.

Tayeb Salih

Hardship bred a bitter, quickfire humour and resilience to all but the most terminal of life's tragedies.

Ian Rankin

Joan Durbeyfield always manged to find consolation somewhere: 'Well, as one of the genuine stock, she ought to make her way with 'en, if she plays her trump car aright. And if he don't marry her afore he will after. For that he's all afire wi' love for her any eye can see.' 'What's her trump card? Her d'Urberville blood, you mean?' 'No, stupid; her face - as 'twas mine.

Thomas Hardy

What nature hath joined together, multiple regression analysis cannot put asunder.

Richard E. Nisbett

People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

Unlike Panic! At The Disco, I write sins AND Tragedies.

Carter Bates

I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?

Joan Rivers

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.

Joan Rivers

It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later those ripples will cause change.

Joan Rivers

Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust.

Joan Rivers

Unlike Panic! At the Disco, I write sins AND tradgedies.

Carter Bates

When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.

Joan Rivers

I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.

Joan Rivers

The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…

Joan Rivers

The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.

Joan Rivers

Everything comes out of smoke and mist and nothingness, a mystical happening…

Joan Rivers

Liked" was the kiss of death. "Loved" or "hated" interested him. At least the performer had aroused emotion.

Joan Rivers

Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.

Joan Rivers

The log officer handed me a pair of examination gloves. Pink. Everyone else wore red or black.“Thanks.” I glanced at her name tag. “Officer Kennedy.”“You’re welcome. They support breast cancer awareness.”I snapped on the gloves. “I knew that. I’m always willing to do my part to keep breasts safe.”“We appreciate that, sir.

Greg Mongrain

…but I think comedy is more aggressive than that. It is a medium for revenge. We can deflate and punish the pomposity and the rejection which hurt us. Comedy is power.

Joan Rivers

Though Kurt would later claim that his graffiti messages were political, in fact, most of what he wrote was nonsensical. He enraged a neighbor with a boat by painting “Boat Ack” in red letters on the ship’s hull; on the other side he lettered, “Boat people go home.

Charles R. Cross

The elf was armed with a bow, a sword, and an overwhelming sense of his own importance.

Thaddeus White

He ate with all the restraint of a nymphomaniac at an orgy.

Thaddeus White

You like it in jail?""It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

Raymond Chandler

Swearing is a currency the countryside spends well.

Michelle Franklin

A golden dragon. Splendid. My life expectancy has just become shorter than a gnome’s todger.

Thaddeus White

I also know a Were-Pomeranian named Phoebe Fluffenstuff that will gut someone with her samurai sword as casually as you would slice a pie

James R. Tuck

If I wanted a life of chastity I’d live with my wife.

Thaddeus White

You like it in jail?It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

Raymond Chandler

You like it in jail?''It's not too bad. You don't meet the best people, but who the hell wants to?

Raymond Chandler

I may not hate al of the people all the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

Kathy McCullough

I may not hate all of the people all of the time, but I hate all of them some of the time, and I hate some of them all of the time.

Kathy McCullough

If you're dealing with a pack of werewolves I'll jump in without hesitation, but I was not getting in the middle of a pack of crazed shoppers on Black Friday

James R. Tuck

Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddamn hand dies on you

J.D. Salinger

It's the old headpiece that makes a man, the rest is all rubbish.

Petronius Arbiter

Go forth my sex beast...to his virginity

shinba rize

After all, I was once like you are, but being the right sort I got where I am.

Petronius Arbiter

Why, there's the air, the sky, the morning, the evening, moonlight, my friends, women, the beautiful architecture of Paris to study, three big books to write and all sorts of other things. Anaxagoras used to say that he was in the world in order to admire the sun. And then I have the good fortune to be able to spend my days from morning to night in the company of a man of genius - myself - and it's very pleasant.

Victor Hugo

I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months.

Joan Rivers

Yes, Doc, I'm not feeling too well.'Which was true enough, Kwang Meng considered.He had honestly not been feeling too well since he contracted poverty, loneliness, boredom, sexual frustration and periodic coughs and colds. Not to speak of his dreary job.

Goh Poh Seng

In Newcastle, Kurt announced from the stage, “I am a homosexual, I am a drug user, and I fuck pot-bellied pigs,” another classic Cobainism, though only one of his three claims was true.

Charles R. Cross

He was the guy who always won the game of chicken because his opponents suspected he might actually enjoy a head-on collision.

Michael Lewis

What the heck is this, a trivet?""I AM WAFFLE FACE!

Van Jensen

We're going up there," she told them. "To the Keep. Your first instinct will be to protect me, I know-""Here it comes," Dyer muttered"But do me a favor and protect each other. Understand, Dyer?""Yes, Lady, yes! Because that's what I signed up for: to guard other guards while I leave the Queen to her own devices.

Erika Johansen

Life without a pasta machine is like life without music!

Margo Vader

This bullet can go straight through the couch."He was right. Fuck Ikea for making such flimsy furniture.

Karina Halle

His words reminded me of something else I’d meant to bring up when he got back to town, something that had taken a very low priority. “Your coat—you never took it back after the wedding. It’s in my car.”He waved dismissively “Keep it. I’ve got others.”“What am I going to do with a wool coat?” I asked. “Especially here in Palm Springs?”“Sleep with it,” he suggested. “Think of me.”I put my hands on my hips and tried to stare him down, which wasn’t easy since he was so tall. That, and because his words suddenly returned me to the disorienting feeling I’d had sitting on his bed. “You said you weren’t going to bring up any romantic stuff around me.”“Was that romantic?” he asked. “I was just making the suggestion, since the coat’s so heavy and warm. I figured you’d think of me since it was such a nice gesture. And yet, once again, you’re the one who finds romantic subtext in everything I say.”“I do not. You know that’s not what I meant.”He shook his head in mock sympathy. “I tell you, Sage. Sometimes I think I’m the one who needs to take out the restraining order on you.”“Adrian!

Richelle Meadelle

It’s so nice to see you again,” he said. He spoke as though it had been a while, and I nodded in agreement. As I’d assured Stanton, Adrian knew too much familiarity between us might create a trail back to Jill. “Did I just hear you two talking about building good relationships?”I was tongue-tied, so Ian answered. “That’s right. We’re here to make things friendlier between our people.” His voice, however, was most decidedly unfriendly.Adrian nodded with all seriousness, like he hadn’t noticed Ian’s hostility. “I think it’s a great idea. And I thought of something that would be an excellent gesture of our future together.” Adrian’s expression was innocent, but there was a mischievous sparkle in his eye that I “knew all too well. He held out his hand to me. “Would you like to dance?

Richelle Mead

For the next century, no elf is to be banished to the human world. No more Star Wars, no more Harry Potter, no more Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and no more body-doubling for Tom Cruise. Elves shouldn't be treated like shit. We're not Mexicans.

Adam Millard

Tell me, Peppone, what other talents do you have besides erasing undesirables?”t“I enjoy a fair bit of sneaking, sir. I also enjoy pilfering and killing as a professional courtesy.”t“What a delightfully horrid urchin you are.”t“Thank you, sir.

Michelle Franklin

He pointed at the caiques, but Peppone declined the librarian’s offer, saying only, “Do you think the proprietor of the inn where we met will report us?”t“The money I left him was more than enough to silence his alarms,” said Danaco. “Gold has an amazing habit of altering memories.

Michelle Franklin

He discovered in his heart the first faint whispering of pure Christianity, and in some way he continued to keep his virtue intact by keeping his vices active.

Thorne Smith

I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not 100% committed to your Oreo diet.

Becky Albertalli

I don't think you have talent!! But... I guess Fuuka will do.I have no choice!

Kiyohiko Azuma

Anubis is associated with the mummification and protection of the dead for their journeys through Denver International Airport to the afterlife. He is usually portrayed as being half human and half jackal, and holding a metal detector in his hand ... Anubis is employed by the Department of Homeland Security to examine the hearts of all travellers to make sure they have not exceeded the weight limit for psychological baggage ... He is also shown frisking mummies and confiscating firearms and other contraband. It doesn't take much to tip the scales in favour of a dead body cavity search or an afterlifetime travel ban.

Stephen Moles

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Humour Quotes - Page 24

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