Humorous Quotes - Page 8

C'mon. We can turn it into a fun game - What's Scarier, The Basement Or The Attic?

Darcy Coates

you're entirly bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are

Lewis Carroll

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I know that whenever I feel my world turningupside down, nothing grounds me like a manicure.

Lauren Kate

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists.

Matshona Dhliwayo

The Milky Way, which is our galaxy, will collide with its nearest neighbor the Andromeda Galaxy. The two galaxies are heading towards each other at a wickedly high snail’s pace, of about 75 miles per second. This massive crash is expected to occur about 3 to 4 billion years from now.” My suggestion is to keep your head down! Captain Hank Bracker

Hank Bracker

A shame. As promising as a sky full'a rainbows but as useful as a bag'a dirt.

Quoleena Sbrocca

Writing isn't a choice. It's a calling. So answer the damn phone already!

T.N. Suarez

Always look outside of the box, unless there is something exceedingly dangerous outside of the box in which case it might be wiser to stay inside.

Holly Wujcik

People are lot like peanuts...It's not what's on the outside that matters, and that damn shell just gets shucked into the trash anyhow.

Alan VanMeter

There is never a bad joke, it's adressing to a wrong audience that makes it look bad!

Ramana Pemmaraju

When people ask how old I am, I just tell them twenty-one, and if they assume I mean years instead of decades or centuries, then that can't be my fault, can it?

Kevin Hearne

At the dockside I was pleasantly surprised to find the North wasn't all hairy men in animal skins. There was also hairy women in animal skins.

Mark Lawrence

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns a lesson he can learn in no other way.

Mark Twain

A mother’s eyes are like God; impossible to get away from, they see everything.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I could be a morning person -- but only if morning started at noon!

Carol Storm

The P-38 WWII Nazi handgun looks comical lying on the breakfast table next to a bowl of oatmeal.

Matthew Quick

Why did men have to ruin everything? The answer was simple, she supposed—because foolish women gave them the chance

Tessa Dare

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

Matshona Dhliwayo

I can look a whole day with delight upon a handsome picture, though it be but of an horse.

Thomas Browne

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

Matshona Dhliwayo

Best timepass for idle person is to find another and gossip, without realising that there are superlative degrees of idle, idler, and idlest.

Sandeep Sahajpal

Aging gracefully - A that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

Sandhya Jane

The next day was wonderful...and terrible. So, overall, I guess it was okay.

The Harvard Lampoon

For me to read a good novel without enjoying a cup of coffee or a cup of tea or a nice glass of wine in the process would be like having water without the wet. It's simply impossible.

Cat Ellington

Y’all ever seen that 'monkeys typing in a room for eternity would eventually create the works of Shakespeare' quote? Well, one time Drew got high and stated, 'Wait, that happened already. We’re monkeys, and space is eternity, and we typed, and it happened.' He insisted we put it in the book.

Trae Crowder

Kloo nodded at Lex in an indescribably maternal way, somehow cramming a lifetime of compassion, support, and tenderness all into one slight bounce of the head.

Gina Damico

Writing something new is an effective way to get rid of writer's block. Or you can observe the people around you and fantasize like I do.

B.A. Gabrielle

One man's Mona Lisa is another man's velvet Elvis.

C.M. Bacon

The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very “there.” The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale.

Robert Fulghum

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

Emily Kirby

Stella turned to us. "One of us is going to have to swim it. Any volunteers?"Jamie shook his head. "Not it. Sharks, first of all, and second of all, sharks"- The Retribution of Mara Dyer

Michelle Hodkin

...Rusty followed. “You should probably pull out your gun. Whatever is in there made enough noise to make me believe it wasn’t a bug.” Kirsten’s stride faltered, and she came to a stop at the door. “Okay, I’m gonna come clean right now. I cannot stand rats or mice. Snakes scare me less. So if I get in there and I see a furry vermin, I will scream like a little girl. If you tell anyone you witnessed that, I will ticket you every time you pull out of your driveway. Are we clear?” “Are you sure you don’t want me to go to the store?” Kirsten met Rusty’s gaze. “Are you clear on what I just said?” “Yep.

Robin Alexander

...Bryan pumped his fist. “Stakeout! Will I be in plain clothes?” “Wear whatever you want as long as it’s dark,” Kirsten answered with a smile. “Permission to get snacks for my stakeout, ma’am!” Bryan said loudly as he sprung to attention.

Robin Alexander

...I think I saw something orange pass beneath a streetlight. That means she turned the corner on Pecan Street. Wait right here, and I’ll get my car.” Stella grabbed Mona’s arm. “There’s no time. Follow me and keep your mouth shut.” Instead of going to the street, Stella crept through a yard. “This is crazy, I can’t see a thing. Stella, we could break a leg.” “I told you to be quiet. I know these yards as well as I know my own. Stay behind me.” She led Mona behind a large azalea bush close to the sidewalk. They hid there as Rusty approached, and she was almost on top of them when Mona sneezed. Rusty stopped, put her hands on her hips, and said, “I know you’re in there.” Neither Stella nor Mona made a peep. “I think I understand why you feel the need to watch me. I’m new around here, so let me introduce myself. My name is Rusty Martinez. I’m a businesswoman, and I have no intention of breaking into anyone’s home. I’m simply out for exercise, so you have nothing to worry about.” “Okay, well, you have a nice night,” Mona said cheerily. Rusty recoiled at the response. “Um…you too,” she said quickly and jogged away. Stella groaned. “Your mother obviously didn’t teach you how to properly conduct a mission, did she?” “If you mean how to hide in a bush, then no.

Robin Alexander

...Stella’s tiny butt stuck in the air as she stretched to reach a weed. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a button-down pink and white checked shirt that was tucked into the elastic waistband of her pants. She reminded Rusty of an elf. “Excuse me, Stella?” “You stop right there if you have trouble on your mind. As you can see, I have plenty of birds, and I’ll knock you out with one of them,” Stella said without looking up. Rusty wanted to say that she’d yank up her own plastic flamingo and work Stella over with it in a heartbeat. Instead, she took a calming breath and said, “I made something you might like to have.” “If it’s a grenade launcher, I’m listening, Achmed.

Robin Alexander

Join us B+ people! Life is not neat and tidy, but we always manage to get the job done!

Tracey Kidder

I've known him since dirt was new, Papaw laughed. We go way back...Dawg Papaw, that's a long time! Mark exclaimed.

Mary Hubbert Jones

Oh, I usually pray in Spanish, speak French to my boyfriend, curse in Dutch, and talk German to my German Shepherd

Justin W.M. Roberts

Don't fight the system, mock the system

Trevor Noah

But in a time of war, knowledge made interesting friendships. Soon, the scholars and the thieves were . . . well, thick as thieves.

Ken Liu

A teacher asked me once, what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her a clown and she asked me if I was joking

Ivan Baublitz

I believe you to be strictly honorable.'He thoughtfully emptied his cup. 'I wish I could add you were intelligent,' he went on, knocking on his head with his knuckles.

Robert Louis Stevenson

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

Ash Gray

The Ruhar hit us on Columbus Day. There we were, innocently drifting along the cosmos on our little blue marble, like the native Americans in 1492. Over the horizon come ships of a technologically advanced, aggressive culture, and BAM! There go the good old days, when humans only got killed by each other.

Craig Alanson

The interesting part of life is; when you start to be negative about others, it starts negatively with you first.

Ajith Isaiah Majok

If you dont like my book write your own.

Rita Mae Brown

As far as he was concerned, there were only two all-important laws on earth:1. Don’t murder people.2. Never swear in front of Lilly.

Hannah Heath

Aging gracefully - A concept that is rejected in 40s, but gracefully accepted in 50s...

Sandhya Jane

This bastard is so guilty he already has his lawyer here.

Kevin Hearne

You can’t even stay dead like a reasonable person!” he yelled, overjoyed at the sight of his brother. “What, you didn’t miss me?

Hayden Wand

Do not open that door until I'm in my room. I may be old and losing my hair, but I still want to look nice for a handsome man.

Rachel Hauck

And most of the time, when you're young and dumb - you know everything! Charles Freeman Lee bebop pianist and trumpeter

Annette Johnson

I want to tell you something but good tasteRestrains me

Sappho van Lesbos

I have the whole team just around the block! One call and they'll ride in here like cavalry! Riding on... robots! Giant robots! Well, not giant robots, like in Egan, but... but... big enough robots!

Dennis Liggio

Embrace tomfoolery as if it were a rich relative on his deathbed.

Barb Best

When you employ HUMOR, you create a friendly, relaxed buying atmosphere.

Jeffrey Gitomer

Wealth and intelligence should not be categorized as relatives.

K.R. Royal

The Cubists are entitled to the serious attention of all who find enjoyment in the colored puzzle pictures of the Sunday newspapers. Of course there is no reason for choosing the cube as a symbol, except that it is probably less fitted than any other mathematical expression for any but the most formal decorative art. There is no reason why people should not call themselves Cubists, or Octagonists, or Parallelopipedonists, or Knights of the Isosceles Triangle, or Brothers of the Cosine, if they so desire; as expressing anything serious and permanent, one term is as fatuous as another.

Theodore Roosevelt

She turned to Stephanie. "I'm going to the bathroom. You coming?" "Yes, since women have to travel in pairs." Tonya chuckled. Once that were around the corner, Stephanie pounced. "Holy crap! I've never seen you like that before. Not that I ever had the chance, but holy shit, Tonya, you need to jump on this train. I think it's coming for you whether you want it to or not.

K.D. Williamson

Previous 1 … 6 7 8 9 10 … 19 Next

Humorous Quotes - Page 8

Related Topics