Humorous Quotes - Page 7

It's funny how often we celebrate by poisoning ourselves

Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.

Smile while you still have teeth.

Cats, of course, are easier to make fun of. The cutest cat is still a freak. Where dogs are sympathetic, almost tragic, figures, cats are pure comedy. Dogs are your buddies, cats are entertainment They're like a TV show. There's nothing funnier than when a cat falls off of something. When a dog falls down a couple of stairs, you rush to it and console it. But when a cat does it, it's funny—you point at it and laugh (which they don't like, incidentally).

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

Jordan Stratford

Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You’re a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You’re twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you’d have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth

Everyone loves to slander everyone, and indulge in it willingly at anytime and anywhere.

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.

Who do I think would appreciate my book?I’m surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud?

I wasn’t a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers.

The oddly shaped man had introduced himself as a Mr. Abernathy, a wealthy friend of the family. "I'm a wealthy friend of the family," he had said. "Very rich. Friendly.

Jordan Stratford

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

Stewart Lee Beck

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

Stewart Lee Beck

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

Fakeer Ishavardas

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

Fakeer Ishavardas

Sometimes being successful means pissing people off

One of my favorite quotes is:"... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.

Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living

Nitin Yaduvanshi

If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.

Bruce Feirstein

Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.

Shut your gob, You tell me nothing in my kennel. Here, I am Queen Bitch, and you will muzzle yourself. Kebibi Ahuda to prisoner

Tamora Pierce (Author)

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

Fakeer Ishavardas

It was the time of year that makes every poet’s heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.

Remember, finding a publisher is a lot like a date. You can submit willfully and keep getting rejected, but in the end, you can always self-publish yourself.

He is the biggest asshole on the planet,” Jarod says. “And in a planet that’s currently drowning in assholes, that’s saying a lot.

All art requires is courage and the commitment to eat lots of biscuits. D Ellis / 2016

I remember the teacher telling us that Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, alongside Russia. “The Soviet Union is the largest and most glorious empire that the world has ever seen,” the teacher lectured. “We’re all proud comrades. We’re all like brothers. We’re so lucky to be part of the greatest nation that has ever existed. We love our country and our country loves us like a mother loves her children.

Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries. Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler. Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder. Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter.

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

Stewart Lee Beck

We know already ample experience that it does not require much cleverness or much learning to be a governor, for there are a hundred round about us that scarcely know how to read.

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

She looked out and saw a tall and comely woman beckoning to her. Susannah's first look at Mia in the flesh astounded her, because the chap's mother was *white.* Apparently Odetta-that-was now had a Caucasian side to her personality and how that must frost Detta Walker's racially sensitive butt!

You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus "Gus" McCrae

I’ve been focusing on my career. I’ve had no time. That’s why I wanted to go out this weekend. I’ve been storing that shit up like a sexual camel. At this point I’d probably just walk into the bar, blow my load all over the room like a fire hose, and walk out.

When first human found life was a virgin then people made it a bitch

Mohammed Sekouty

I hope you won't mind, my dear, if we take it," said Thunder Karlsson. "Oh, not at all," said Pippi. "Of course not." And with that, Blom went over and took out the suitcase. "I hope you won't mind, my dear, if I take it back," said Pippi, as she climbed out of bed and went over to Blom.

Astrid Lindgren

And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke.'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked.I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.''We're just told to ask like,' he said.'When I want fries, generally I say something like, "I would like some fries, too, please." That's the system I use.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated.'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day.I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.

Are you sure you have enough sweetener in that? I could offer to conscript the rest of the cubes from the galley for you.

A right way, a wrong way, and a GREENWAY.

I don’t really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.

Echo Shea

Breath, Love, & Lust This is what we live for

Dotapoker

Look here, my boy, if you have average intelligence, about half the things you do are bound to be right, which is a fair achievement for any career. Don't spend sleepless nights over them.

Noronha's Laws1. No man works harder than he must.2. The joy of living, lies in making little things big.3. Try never to do what you do not want to do. The secret of a happy old age is in never doing what you do not want to do.

Love yourself’ the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist.

What level of personal are we talking about?" she mumbled. "I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.

... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix.

Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way.

When it's all been said and done...There's hell of a lot more said, than done.

When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it.

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.”If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

Danielle L. Jensen

Orange is the New Black is a really boring porn.

After a few more minutes of daydreaming about how fabulous I could become, I look down at the heading on my paper: Janey's Reinvention Plan. It appears lonely at the top of the page. I should probably add some bullets beneath, but I've never been much of a list maker.

I'm overweight, despise change, and rarely, if ever, initiate anything. Unlike my friends, I’ve had no drama in my life which might qualify as box office material. If a little more drama came my way, however, I would probably need to purchase some courage in order to withstand it. Oh well, if a bit of change equals a bit of drama, I’m willing to risk it.

Professional is an apt definition for me, professional slouch, that is. I can be very professional at seeming to do work, but the real work is trying to do as little as possible, without getting caught by Trip or any nosey busybodies.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

Matshona Dhliwayo

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

Matshona Dhliwayo

It was 10:30 in the morning and I was already running behind. This is hardly unusual, but it pisses me off every single time.

Since the Devil is in the details...I don't think I'll elaborate.

I had a maternal instinct once, it lasted 48 hours

Sharon Law Tucker

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